INTERCEPTED TEXT: Roger Goodell Has A Woman Problem

By
Updated: July 31, 2014

ROGER GOODELL - Whoa there expression

T-Mobile

2:29PM
91%

Brian McCarthy

Commissioner Goodell?

WHO IS THIS?

Your name seems familiar to me. Have I suspended you before?

Um, no sir.

Okay. THEN YOU’RE SUSPENDED. Four weeks. No pay.

Sir, I don’t think you understand…

Oh, back talk eh? EIGHT WEEKS.

Sir, my name is Brian McCarthy. I work for you in the NFL’s public relations department.

I’m texting you today because I’m afraid you may be developing a bit of a “woman” problem.

No, it’s fine. My doctor assures me that a little yeast down there is perfectly normal for a man my age.

No sir, I meant that your handling of the Ray Rice situation has caused quite an uproar.

Oh, that? People are angry that I suspended Ray for two games?

Quite upset sir, yes.

Okay, fine. I’ll knock it down to one week, with pay. Problem solved.

No sir, the uproar is actually that you were too lenient on Mr. Rice.

Was I? Remind me what Ray did again.

Mr. Rice viciously beat his fiancée senseless, then dragged her unconscious body out of an elevator in an Atlantic City Casino.

Oh right, right. Now I remember.

Boy, it’s a good thing he wasn’t smoking pot when he did it, or he would be in BIG trouble.

That’s exactly the attitude I’m talking about, sir.

People are angry that you suspended Josh Gordon for 12 full months after he was caught with marijuana in his system, yet you only suspended Ray Rice two weeks for what he did to his fiancée.

And what does his fiancée have to do with this, again?

She was the victim, sir.

Right, right.

Many people are saying that the NFL simply doesn’t care about the horrific crime of domestic violence.

Look Mr. Lombardi…

McCarthy, sir.

Look, we know that Ray and what's-her-name were arguing pretty intensely before he knocked her out.

Maybe, you know, maybe she provoked him or something.

Sir, that is INCREDIBLY insensitive.

Regardless of what they may have been arguing about, or anything that she might have said to him, there is absolutely NO excuse for a 218lb professional athlete to assault a woman half his size.

Listen, that chick still got married to him AFTER this incident. She’s supported him and requested leniency for him!

Sir, many victims of domestic violence return to their abuser and try to condone the offending behavior. It doesn’t mean that society should do the same.

You’re quite the ball-buster Mr. Holmgren.

McCarthy, sir.

And I’m just telling you what women and men around America are saying about this situation.

So why should I listen to the opinions of a bunch of shrieking harpies, anyway?

Because it's the decent thing to do?

That doesn’t convince me.

Because women make up 50% of the population?

Swing and a miss.

Because if female fans are upset, they won’t buy any more of our officially licensed NFL products?

Holy crap, you’re right. WE HAVE TO REACH OUT TO THESE GALS, A.S.A.P.!

I'm glad you see it my way sir.

Okay, let’s brainstorm here.

We need a way to show women that the NFL understands their complaints, and is ready to do whatever it will take to make them happy.

Excellent, sir.

What do you think about this: we have a “free oven mitt giveaway” at every NFL stadium next weekend?

I think that sends the wrong message, sir.

“Hey Ladies! Enter for your chance to vacuum the floors in the NFL locker room of your choice?”

Not a promotion I’d recommend sir.

“Fetch a sandwich and beer for your favorite player” night?

Absolutely not.

I’M NEVER GOING TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM IF YOU KEEP SHOOTING DOWN ALL MY IDEAS MR. SHERMAN!

McCarthy, sir.

Wait, I know. Let's remind these wenches about all the GOOD things we already do for women.

Such as?

Well, I recently recommended an increase in cheerleaders’ salaries

Up to a whopping $9.00 an hour.

Plus, each October we paint everything in sight pink to raise money for breast cancer. That’s something, right?

Well, hell. It sounds like there’s just no pleasing these broads.

Not the way you’re doing it, no sir.

Pffft. WOMEN. Am I right?

Not in the slightest sir, no.

Leave a Reply

16 Comments

  1. Philip Rivers

    August 17, 2014 at 7:58 pm

    Black Roger Goodell? The ummm.. black version of Roger Goodell?

  2. Roger Goodell

    August 8, 2014 at 4:30 pm

    You’re all suspended.

  3. James Harrison

    August 6, 2014 at 12:28 am

    For once I’m actually with Goodell. I think even the mangina white knights got bored of ragging on Ray Rice. It lasted all of what, 2 days before everyone moved on?

  4. Actually shocked about the 8% thing

    August 4, 2014 at 7:22 am

    So for 1 month the NFL goes all pink and gives themselves more opportunity to sell merchandise and profit from it – all while giving the impression it is making a huge contribution to Breast Cancer.

    8% Eight fucking percent?

    That sir is fucked up – not to mention the shit about how domestic violence isn’t as bad as taking drugs that should only hurt the takers. So it’s okay to hit women and anyone else just you can’t take a hit yourself?

    Our whole culture is fucked up if this is our moral compass.

    Sorry folks I know this is a humor website but Jesus this fact pissed me off.

    Well done to PFM for using satire to highlight something important. Kudos folks Kudos.

  5. Roger Goodell

    August 3, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    Just remember guys, you can hit Mary, just not Mary Jane.

  6. A Real Conspiracy Theorist

    August 3, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    How do you think PFM got this information? They’re working WITH the NSA!!

  7. Guy who is confused about what PFM is

    August 2, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    I hope that the NSA is keeping an eye on PFM, I don’t think a website should be able to copy a private text session and post it here.

  8. Oracle

    August 1, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    One day something bad will happen to this insufferable commissioner and the NFL world will rejoice.

  9. Pariah

    August 1, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    It says that Stephen A. Smith is a beetle-headed doofus with the intellect of a mule hoof.

    (Apologies to Pinky.)

  10. Cygnia

    August 1, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    It says something when PFM is more on the ball than Stephen A. Smith.

  11. Raffi

    August 1, 2014 at 12:27 am

    Gattaca!!!

  12. Anonymous

    July 31, 2014 at 9:15 pm

    Seriously though, Goodell sucks.

  13. chris

    July 31, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    shit, that was funny until the link about only 8% of the pink garb actually going to breast cancer research. really?

  14. Chrth

    July 31, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Right, but Brian McCarthy is the NFL PR guy

  15. Anonymous

    July 31, 2014 at 8:07 am

    Except the Packers coach is Mike McCarthy.

  16. Chrth

    July 31, 2014 at 6:03 am

    Kudos for the Packers’ coach name joke throughout

You must be logged in to post a comment Login