INTERCEPTED TEXT: Roger Goodell and Tom Brady Discuss “Deflate-Gate”

By
Updated: January 23, 2015

BRADY GOODELL DEFLATE GATE TEXT

Verizon

11:23am
88%

ROGER GOODELL

WHAT THE SHIT, BRADY?

Hey, I wasn’t even near her!

What does that mean?

Usually when someone sends me an angry text it’s because I just banged their wife.

That’s not why I’m texting you.

Good. Because I’m not scheduled to nail your wife until next Thursday.

What?

Nothing.

I’M TEXTING YOU BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID UNDER-INFLATED FOOTBALL SCANDAL YOU’VE WROUGHT UPON MY PRECIOUS LEAGUE.

Oh, that. Pfft. Whatever.

Don't blow me off like I’m the mainstream sports media. I actually HAVE some power.

Like this season hasn't been shitty enough for me already? You have to go and pull this deflating crap?

Look Goodell, quit busting my balls over this.

HA. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

NO, NO, NO. Do not make any stupid "balls/testicles" jokes.

Those have all been beaten to death by every second-rate hack on the Internet over the past week.

Well, geez. Now you're the one who's making my balls go soft.

STOP THAT.

You know what you're calling this scandal, right?

“Deflate-Gate”

“Ballghazi.”

Personally, I think “psi-gate” is the funniest.

Brady, people are finally, FINALLY, forgetting about that “Spygate” crap your team pulled back in ‘07.

So now you had to go and find some fresh NEW way to cheat?

ARE YOU HOPING TO HAVE ANY NON-ASTERISKED CHAMPIONSHIPS WHEN YOU RETIRE, OR WHAT?

What's the big deal? Just burn the balls, and tell everyone there’s no evidence of any wrongdoing.

It worked with the tapes back in ‘07.

Absolutely not. I have to penalize you HARSHLY for your actions.

This isn't like you just punched your wife in some elevator. This is SERIOUS.

What are you gonna do? Suspend me from the Super Bowl? YEAH, RIGHT. YOU DON'T GOT THE BALLS.

STOP THAT.

And no, I’m going to sentence you to a few punishments that will REALLY teach you a lesson.

Such as?

From now on, you can only wear clothes purchased from Costco or Target.

What? NO!

THAT’S RIGHT. ONLY KIRKLAND AND MERONA THREADS FOR YOU FROM NOW ON, MISTER.

BUT THEY’RE HIDEOUS AND NOT AT ALL FASHIONABLE!

That reminds me: no more Uggs sponsorships either.

From now on, you wear and endorse Crocs band slippers. The lime-green or neon purple kind, exclusively

YOU CAN’T DO THAT! THOSE THINGS LOOK LIKE SATAN’S BEACHWEAR.

THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.

You want cruel and unusual? I’M JUST GETTING WARMED UP.

No more mousse, hair spray, or gel for you.

From now on, your new stylist will be the same person who cuts Eli Manning’s hair.

WHAT?

That’s right. His Mom will be coming by to give you a trim later.

THAT HAS TO BE OUTLAWED BY THE COLLECTIVE BARBERING AGREEMENT, ISN’T IT?

And finally, I’m sentencing you to one full year of celibacy.

OH NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!

That’s right. No more freaky eight-somes with Giselle and her supermodel friends.

No more one-night stands with Lauren Tannehill or Dana Flacco.

No more secret quickies with Michelle Obama in the White House situation room.

How’d you know about that last one?

The Secret Service called last week to inform me that you two did it on top of a military control panel.

Apparently, your left asscheek came dangerously close to launching a full scale nuclear assault against New Zealand.

THIS IS UNFAIR. YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

You think my pain is funny?

No. I just got that “psi-gate.” You’re right. That IS the funniest one.

Also, yes. Your pain is hilarious.

Leave a Reply

6 Comments

  1. Pingback: Roger Goodell & the NFL Screw up the Tom Brady & New England Patriots Punishment | Sportige

  2. AnonyMOOSE

    January 23, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    Don’t get why we need to add “-gate” to every single scandal nowadays. For everyone under the age of 25. You do realize that “Watergate” was actually the name of the hotel that the Nixon scandal happened at, not a scandal involving water?

    • toadofsteel

      January 26, 2015 at 8:06 am

      Well, it seems the new term these days is to add -ghazi to words instead of -gate…

    • Random

      January 26, 2015 at 10:47 am

      Yeah. I’ve been calling it Ballghazi.

      I wonder what the upcoming FB convo will be about this time. Last year was Aaron Rodgers jumping 26 years into the future while the year before was a flashback to after SB 46.

    • PFM Comments

      January 29, 2015 at 11:54 pm

      Don’t blame the kids, it’s the media that comes up with these names, and they’ve been doing it since then.

      I still can’t believe Nixon got caught. It’s not like these recent presidents are clean at all, but somehow they manage to always wriggle free.

  3. PFM Comments

    January 23, 2015 at 1:25 pm

    Hahaha

You must be logged in to post a comment Login