INTERCEPTED TEXT: RGIII Vents to Andrew Luck

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Updated: December 17, 2013

RGIII LUCK TEXT FEATURED IMAGE 475

AT&T

12:09
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ANDREW LUCK

MY LIFE IS FALLING APART, LUCK!

Hi Robert. How are you?

EVERYTHING, that’s what wrong.

My coach is a lying, leather-faced weasel who’s in a pissing match with the owner.

I’ve been benched in favor of some 4th round nobody.

My team is 3-11 and I’m almost certainly not going to win the league’s MVP award this season like I hoped!

Sorry to hear all that. This must be a tough time for you.

Not tough for “me,” frizzface. Tough for US.

You and me were the top selection in last year’s draft. We’re forever linked. THAT MEANS WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER.

Technically, I was the one who was the top selection. You were chosen second by…

THERE’S NO TIME TO QUIBBLE OVER SEMANTICS HERE, LUCK.

What we need to do is present a united front. Issue a joint press statement in which we both condemn the way teams are treating sophomore superstars like us.

But I don’t have any complaints with the Colts. They treat me really nice. Just last week Coach Pagano was telling me how he’ll always stand by me no matter wha…

LUCK, IF I WANT YOUR STUPID LIFE STORY, I’LL READ “CRO-MAGNON: HOW THE ICE AGE GAVE BIRTH TO THE FIRST MODERN HUMANS” BY BRIAN FAGAN

I don’t understand.

It’s a book I found on Amazon.

But why would I be in that book?

BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE AN UGLY STUPID CAVEMAN. TRY TO KEEP UP, JURASSIC JERK.

Okay, but I don’t think cavemen lived during the Jurassic per…

ANYWAY, we need to tell the media that unless I am reinstated as the starter and Coach Shanadick is fired IMMEDIATELY, we are both going on strike.

I don’t think I’m comfortable with that…

Okay, I just wrote it up. It says, “The way the NFL is treating its 2nd year QBs is total BULLSHIT.

“Its time all the punk ass bitches in the league’s front office get their heads out of their unwiped asses and realize that QUATERBACKS ARE THE FUCKING KINGS OF THIS ENITRE GAME”

“So I demand a new rule be enacted immediately stating that NO FIRST ROUND QB CAN EVER BE BENCHED IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO AND ALSO FIRST ROUND QBS CAN HAVE THEIR STUPID COACHES BE FIRED ON DEMAND, IF THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT”

“SO CHOP-CHOP, DICKHEADS, MAKE IT HAPPEN OR ELSE I WILL QUIT THIS DUMBASS LEAGUE WITH ITS STUPID FUCKING OWNERS AND ITS STUPID FUCKING COACHES AND ITS STUPID FUCKING FANS AND YOU’L NEVER SEE ME PLAY QB EVER AGAIN SO SUCK MY BALLS SIGNED ANDREW LUCK.”

Damn, I’m good. I may have to write novels when I retire.

With all due respect Robert, that is an INCREDIBLY unprofessional letter.

Plus, I think you meant to say, “signed Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III” right?

What are you babbling about?

You signed it with just my name. Isn’t it supposed to have both our names? Or even better, maybe you could just leave my name off altogeth…

Oh, right, right. Yeah, as I was composing it, I decided it would be more effective coming from just you. That way there’s no conflict of interest.

Robert, I’d really rather not be a part of this whole…

TOO LATE, FLINTSTONE FACE. I just hit send on the email.

Email?

To all the major media outlets. New York Times, Washington Post, The Daily Planet. All the biggies.

I TRULY WISH YOU HADN’T DONE THAT.

Oh relax. Everything’s cool. If it stirs up too much controversy, I can just disavow all knowledge of it. I’ll be fine.

BUT I WON’T BE.

ROBERT, THERE’S A FLOOD OF EMAILS POPPING UP IN MY INBOX

Is they from that Nigerian Prince? Don’t believe him. I sent that guy my bank info three times, and I’m still waiting.

NO, THEY’RE FROM COACH PAGANO

AND JIM IRSAY

AND CNN

AND ABC, CBS, AND NBC NEWS

AND THE NATIONAL ANTI-PROFANITY COUNCIL

AND ROGER GOODELL

Goodell too, huh? Cool. This should really cause some waves.

THE SUBJECT LINE READS, “GROUNDS FOR INDEFINITE SUSPENSION”

Oh crap. You’re fucked.

ME? THIS WAS YOUR DOING.

Then how come my name’s not on the email?

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TO HELP YOU.

DON’T YOU DARE MENTION MY NAME TO THEM.

BUT YOU SAID WE THAT WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER! BECAUSE OF HOW WE WERE BOTH DRAFTED NEAR THE TOP OF THE…

I’M NOT TAKING THE FALL FOR YOU, LUCK. IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Now if you'll excuse, I'm gonna try to orchestrate a trade to Indianapolis. I hear they might have a need at QB soon.

Leave a Reply

48 Comments

  1. Peyton Manning

    December 23, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Did you cunts see my 51st TD pass this season? Suck it, Brady! Aight, I’ll see you bitches on Facebook. Hey, where the fuck are you fags? Get on Facebook now, you QB cunts. Especially you, Sam Bradford!

  2. Football fan

    December 22, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Well, Manning, you aren’t acting like you deserve it.

  3. James

    December 22, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Wilson and his collection of autistic seacunts can each ride a mechanical bull made entirely out of rusty steel dildos. And Richard Sherman especially can go die in a raging cockfire

  4. Anonymous

    December 20, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    I was waiting for a text from Ryan Tannehill

  5. Anonymous

    December 20, 2013 at 7:30 am

    I was waiting for one of them to say they just got a text or call from Russell Wilson. A good trolling woulda made this perfect

  6. Peyton "Mother-Fcuking Baller" Manning

    December 20, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Whatever, bitches! I’ll just continue our Facebook convo in our regular time, on Mondays after 12 PM EST, to keep out these Anonymous fags out of our convo! Till our regular time, bitches, the 2013 SI Sportsman of the Year is OUT!

  7. Joshua

    December 20, 2013 at 1:13 am

    Still waiting to hear how s. Bradford finished while strangling himself. ..

  8. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Hey Peyton. If your Broncos go to the Super Bowl this year, I heard the NFC champion will pick up Tracy Porter so he can return one of your passes for a touchdown…..again.

  9. Peyton Manning

    December 19, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    Shut up, Anonymous at 3:01 PM! How dare you silence the great Peyton Manning! You can shove your comments where the sun don’t shine! Nobody silences ME! Not even GLAAD can silence me if I say that Ryan Tannehill’s wife’s cunt is more attractive than Tom Brady’s asshole!

  10. Seth

    December 19, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Why is their a QB convo going on in the comments >.>…

  11. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    RG3 sounds a lot like Peyton when he’s harassing Alex Smith or Andrew Luck.

  12. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Leave the characters to the Profootballmock please…

  13. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Or they knocked him further into the Patriots’ brainwashing.

  14. Peyton "Mother-Fcuking Baller" Manning

    December 19, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Dammit Wes Welker! I knew that Wes was a long con set up by Bill Belichick to steal our signals! Hopefully those concussions knocked him out of the Patriots’ brainwashing!

  15. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Hey Peyton, speaking of comebacks led by the Patriots. Tell me about the last game between you and Tom Brady. What was the lead at first? 24-0? And how did that game end? HA HA HA HA HA. If Brady gives you any more trouble, just get your little brother. He’s the only Manning that owns him.

  16. Peyton "Mother-Fcuking Baller" Manning

    December 19, 2013 at 9:41 am

    hey brady how was tannehill’s wife? did she plow your ass good? ahahaha but … please, please tell me you got some consolation cunt afterwards. i’d hate to hear it from you that the only thing getting penetrated was your ass. which, according to phil robertson, is less attractive than tannehill’s wifey’s taco, which is, according to philip philips rivers here, prominent in 85% of his masturbatory fantasies.

  17. Tom Brady

    December 19, 2013 at 9:20 am

    So if this is becoming another facebook conversation I guess my part would be like…

    AND NOW IS WHERE I BANG YOUR WIFES.

  18. Peyton "Mother-Fcuking Baller" Manning

    December 19, 2013 at 7:22 am

    and, sorry Who Dat Geaux Nation, your Super Bowl is as tainted by Bountygate as Tom Brady’s is with Spygate! whereas, I, PEYTON MANNING, won the Super Bowl legitimately. and sorry, Flacco, had Ray Lewis not “miraculously” healed so very quicky, and I wonder why, you wouldn’t have hosted the lombardi trophy either. sorry Flacco, you’re still – NOT ELITE! 😛

  19. Peyton "Mother-Fcuking Baller" Manning

    December 19, 2013 at 7:17 am

    You’re right, Philip Rivers, football is a team sport. And SuperBowls do require teamwork. No matter. I can still boast that MY team is better than YOURS! Let’s not forget, in the year that MY team won the SuperBowl, you had the New England PATSIES in a commanding lead, only to BLOW IT! and the week after, those same PATSIES carried their momentum from that game into ours, but it was ME who engineered a comeback and a QUARTERBACK DUEL FOR THE AGES! sorry philip philips rivers, I STILL RULE OVER YOU!

  20. Tony Brown

    December 18, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    lol this was a good one. Now you guys should write an article titled “Andrew Luck speaks out against Chuck Pagano and Jim Irsay” or something like that.

  21. Anonymous

    December 18, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Peyton Manning always dreamed he would throw the touchdown pass that would give the Saints their first Super Bowl win and all of us in Who Dat Nation couldn’t be more happy that his dream came true.

  22. Philip Rivers

    December 18, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Manning is that all you care about? Stat padding and personal accolades? Football is a team sport. The only thing you should care about is winning championships, and the only reason you even have one super bowl ring is because your team dragged your ass all the way there. 3tds and 7ints in the postseason is about the worst a quarterback can do. Dominic Rhodes should have been the super bowl MVP that year. When you have to strap your team on your back, and drive down the field for a win what happens? You throw an interception like the one you threw against the Saints in super bowl XLIV.

  23. bobman2

    December 18, 2013 at 11:53 am

    The only quibble I have, and it’s pretty minor, is that Luck’s persona is very helpful and polite (which fits his public image to be sure)… but he appears to be a tad slow on the uptake, which does not line up with a Stanford architecture/engineering student who graduated early.

    That, and he seriously needs a shave. Unless he’s hoping the X-Men movie franchise starts a new series called Wolverine-NFL, then he’s totally got the wolfman look down. But those claws might be a liability throwing the ball….

  24. Joe Flacco

    December 18, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Hey did anyone see me destroy the Lions on MNF? Just kidding I know all of you saw my decimation of Detroit. My Ravens are in the driver seat for another playoff berth. When I win back to back super bowls none of you will be able to deny the fact that I’m elite.

  25. Peyton "Mother-Fcuking Baller" Manning

    December 18, 2013 at 10:49 am

    No need to be Anonymous there Ben! Not unless you’re back to raping and motorcycling without your helmet on.

  26. Anonymous

    December 18, 2013 at 10:46 am

    ^Because you see Phillip Rivers is the Tony Romo of the AFC.

  27. Peyton "Mother-Fcuking Baller" Manning

    December 18, 2013 at 10:27 am

    I’m sorry, Mister “San Diego’s Biggest Regret in taking HIM over Drew Brees”, I couldn’t hear your condescending introduction, due to the applause and adulation that surrounds me and my 2013 Sportsman of The Year award. Thank you, thank you. And I’ll be adding that to my FOUR, count them, 4, NFL MVP awards, and SuperBowl MVP award. None of which, may I remind you, current have Rivers!

  28. Philip Rivers

    December 18, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Peyton Manning? The quarterback with the most playoff losses in NFL history?

  29. Peyton "Mother-Fcuking Baller" Manning

    December 18, 2013 at 9:46 am

    hahaha all you unwanted first round quarterbacks! bow down before the immortal demi-deity that is ME, PEYTON MANNING! i’m the only one among you that has met, nay, SURPASSED, the expectations that were thrust upon me as a blessed first-rounder! so kneel, bitches!

  30. Anonymous

    December 18, 2013 at 6:48 am

    So many PFM personalities above. Anyway, one of the best Intercepted Texts i’ve ever seen! Truly struck gold with this one!

  31. Anonymous

    December 18, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Beast Mode got beat by puny colts and is 1-1 against puny 49ers.

  32. Marshawn

    December 17, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    BEAST MODE EAT PUNY COLTS AND REDSKINS FOR BREAKFAST. BEAST MODE HAVE BEST YOUNG QB IN NFL AND BEAST MODE TEAM HAVE 12-2 RECIRD. BEAST MODE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE ELSE IN NFL. BEAST MODE WILL DEVOUR COMPETITION ALL THE WAY TO SUPER BOWL.

  33. S. Bradford

    December 17, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    I tried to strangle myself with Joe Theisman’s ACL once…

  34. Jason #12 https://www.facebook.com/jason.vandenburgh.1

    December 17, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    The above comments from BEAST MODE WILSON AND RODGERS are mine…

  35. Aaron Rodgers

    December 17, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    WILSON!!! I am gonna strangle you with Joe Theisman’s ACL!!!

  36. Russell Wilson

    December 17, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    It’s ok Marshawn, I’m gonna have the last laugh. And then I’m gonna call Aaron Rodgers and wish him good luck!!!

  37. BEAST MODE

    December 17, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    DANGERUSS#03 Is in sophomore season and he have no slump… why you guys leave him out so much?

  38. Anonymous

    December 17, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    Anonymous: You know that texts can’t be cut o-
    PFM: SHUT YOUR DICKHOLE, IF I WANTED A LESSON IN REALITY I WOULD HAVE ASKED FOR IT!

  39. Anonymous

    December 17, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Could’ve included Trent Richardson. Running backs have rights too.

  40. mj

    December 17, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    Pro football mock I guess people don’t understand that mock means fake. Even a caveman can understand that

  41. Luke Ledebur

    December 17, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Dude you are a dumbass, it’s annoying that people think this is real. It is all made up

  42. ifhss

    December 17, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    LOL im glad i kept reading… the ending was GREAT!!! please stop it with the Roethlisberger, they are not at all funny.

  43. Anonymous

    December 17, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    would you just enjoy the comedy and not get caught up in the truth!!!!!!!!!!

  44. Anonymous

    December 17, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Love these guy but you do know text cant be cut off……. I mean just saying ive been seeing you guys do that a lot!

  45. Anonymous

    December 17, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    haha Big ben

  46. M_J

    December 17, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Whoa how did you guys uncover text messages from RGIII and Luck??

  47. Ben Roethlisberger

    December 17, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    BECAUSE RGIII IS BEING SCREWED OVER BY THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS WHILE ANDREW LUCK IS ENJOYING A PRODUCTIVE SEASON IN INDIANAPOLIS, YOU SEE.

  48. Seattle Muse

    December 17, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    Luck is sooo fu**ed

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