INTERCEPTED TEXT: RGIII and Mike Shanahan Discuss Their Rift

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Updated: August 14, 2013

RGIII MIKE SHANAHAN NO TEXT for article 475

AT&T

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Mike Shanahan

Robert, I think we need to talk.

No, we really don’t.

YES WE DO. There’s been a lot of talk in the media about a possible “rift” between you and I over your return to the starting lineup.

No one’s saying that.

YES THEY ARE. And when a coach and a QB disagree publicly like this, it sends fans the wrong impression.

You’re right. It gives them the impression that you’re in charge.

I AM in change Robert!

Oh really? YOU WANNA COMPARE PAYCHECKS?!

Listen to me. I’ve consulted with Dr. James Andrews, and he tells me the safest thing for you is to not play in the preseason

Oh yeah? Well is Dr. James Andrews the reigning NFL rookie of the year?

Obviously not.

AND DOES DR. JAMES ANDREWS HAVE THE NUMBER ONE SELLING JERSEY AMONG ALL NFL PLAYERS?

THAT’S AN IDIOTIC QUESTION!

THAT’S RIGHT. NO HE DOESN’T.

So Dr. James Andrews can stick his stethoscope up his wrinkled rectum and BLOW IT OUT HIS BUTTHOLE BECAUSE THAT CRUSTY OLD QUACK DOES NOT TELL RGIII WHAT TO DO.

ROBERT WE HAVE TO PRESENT A UNITED FRONT TO THE REST OF THE LEAGUE. WE CAN’T HAVE THIS RIFT BETWEEN US!

THERE IS NO RIFT BECAUSE ** I ** CALL THE SHOTS AND YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS SECOND RATE TEAM CAN FOLLOW MY LEAD AND SUCK MY BALLS!

YOU DO NOT CALL THE SHOTS!

THE FUCK I DON’T!

I AM A TWO-TIME SUPER BOWL WINNING COACH!

WHO MANAGED TO MISS THE PLAYOFFS EVERY YEAR IN WASHINGTON UNTIL I CAME ALONG!

I’M TRYING TO PROTECT YOUR KNEE FOR THE LONG-TERM VALUE OF THE TEAM!

I’M TRYING TO PROMOTE MY IMAGE FOR THE LONG TERM VALUE OF MY BANK ACCOUNT!

WE CAN’T WIN GAMES IF YOU GET RE-INJURED!

I CAN’T SELL JERSEYS IF I’M STANDING ON THE SIDELINES NEXT TO YOUR OVERPAID ASS!

For God’s sake Robert, this rift has to end.

I’ve told you three times now that we don’t have a rift.

YES WE DO!

NO WE DON’T!

DO!

DON’T!

Robert, you need to trust me on this issue. I helped develop John Elway, Steve Young and Jay Cutler.

I know how to handle superstar QBs. And Jay Cutler.

YOUR LAME ATTEMPT AT A JAY CUTLER JOKE DOES NOT CHANGE THE FACT THAT I CALL THE SHOTS ON THIS TEAM, SHANAHAN!

SO PAY ATTENTION COACH DICKNUTS, AND GET THIS THROUGH THAT ORANGE-TINTED SKULL OF YOURS:

I WILL PLAY IN ANY GAME I WANT, ANY TIME I WANT, AND YOU WILL DO NOTHING MORE THAN NOD, SMILE, AND SAY "HERE'S YOUR GATORADE SIR" WHEN I WALK OFF THE FIELD.

Moments like this are why the press believes we have a rift

WE DON’T HAVE A RIFT!

YES WE DO!

NO WE DON’T!

Please Robert, try to understand where I’m coming from here. I can’t risk rushing you back too quickly into the lineup if there’s a chance you could get seriously injured.

Right, right. Because you save that move for the playoffs.

BUT THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. WE MADE AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT LAST YEAR, AND IT DAMAGED YOUR KNEE, SO I’M TRYING TO LEARN FROM MY PAST MISTAKES.

Is Rex Grossman still on our roster?

Well, yes. He is.

THEN YOU CLEARLY HAVEN’T LEARNED FROM YOUR PAST MISTAKES NOW, HAVE YOU?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOU IF YOU PLAY WHILE YOUR KNEE IS STILL HEALING?

Simple. We play a “heavy-10” offense.

A what now?

Just me and ten offensive guards on every play. They form a protective barrier around me and together we stroll down the field to the end zone on every play.

That formation is stupid. And illegal.

FINE. THEN HOW ABOUT I TAKE A 47-STEP DROP ON EVERY PLAY?

THAT’S MORONIC

THINK ABOUT IT, COACH DUMBASS. NO DEFENDER WILL EVER TOUCH ME.

I’ll just fade back thirty or forty yards after every snap, then heave the ball downfield as far as I can.

Congratulations. You just invented the “Five yard bomb.”

FOR SOMEONE WHO LOVES SHOOTING DOWN OTHER PEOPLE’S IDEAS, I DON’T HEAR YOU COMING UP WITH SUGGESTIONS TO PROTECT MY KNEE.

MY SUGGESTION IS TO KEEP YOU OUT OF THE GODDAMN GAME.

HOW AM I GOING TO SELL JERSEYS IF I’M NOT IN THE GAME?

SELLING JERSEYS FOR YOU IS NOT MY JOB

Fine, fine. I’ve got a solution.

We punt on every first down.

ABSOLUTELY NOT

Every time we have the ball, we field 1 punter, 9 blockers, and me smiling and waving to the camera. THINK OF ALL THE JERSEYS I’LL SELL.

THINK ABOUT ALL THE POINTS WE WON’T SCORE!

SCORING POINTS FOR YOU IS NOT MY JOB

YOU’RE THE QUARTERBACK. IT’S THE VERY DEFINITION OF YOUR JOB.

WHERE DO YOU GET OFF TELLING ME WHAT MY JOB IS?

I’M THE COACH!

ONLY BECAUSE I SAVED YOU FROM GETTING SHITCANNED LAST YEAR!

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE THINK WE HAVE A RIFT!

WE DON’T HAVE A RIFT

YES WE DO.

NO WE DON’T

DO!

DON’T!

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