INTERCEPTED TEXT: Rex Ryan And Geno Smith Review Basic Math Skills

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Updated: October 8, 2014

REX RYAN GENO SMITH TEXT without text 475

AT&T

10:18 am
90%

Rex Ryan

WHAT THE SHIT, SMITH?

Excuse me?

Don't "hi coach" me. LIKE I WASN'T PISSED OFF AT YOU ENOUGH ALREADY?

I don’t know what we’re talking about.

FIRST, you skipped the team meeting on Saturday before our game against the Chargers.

THAT WAS A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING. I EXPLAINED TO EVERYONE HOW NOT TO LOSE 31-0.

Sorry coach.

And then… THEN… I find out that the reason you missed the meeting is because YOU COULDN’T READ YOUR GODDAMNED WATCH?!

No, no. I can read a watch just fine. I know that when Mickey's big hand points to the 12, and his little hand points to the 7, then...

SO WHY THE HELL WEREN'T YOU THERE?

BECAUSE EVEN DOLPHINS WITHOUT TAILS NEEDS LOVE TOO!

I don’t… what? Is that, like, some Ryan Tannehill reference, or…?

No, it’s the plot of “Dolphin Tale 2.” That’s the movie I was watching when I missed the meeting.

I thought I had time to catch a flick because my watch said it was 1pm, and I know you have to add 3 hours to the time when you’re on the west coast, so I figured it was really 8pm.

No, you nitwit. It’s the other way around. You subtract 3 hours when you’re on the west coast. You add 3 in the east! YOU ALWAYS ADD 3 IN THE EAST!

Really? Then shouldn’t we get six downs to try to pick up a first during our home games?

In your case, I still don’t think that would be enough.

And besides, your math doesn’t check out. 1pm + 3 hours would be 4pm, not 8pm.

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO ADD 1+3?

Look Coach, it’s not my fault! I think maybe I have that “dyslexia” disease.

No, dyslexia is when you transpose words and letters.

Oh. So what’s it called when you have trouble adding and subtracting small numbers?

“Stupidity.”

Okay, I have that then.

Alright look, I think we're going to have to brush up on your basic math skills.

Fine. Quiz me.

Let’s say Pam Oliver owns 32 pairs of open toed sandals.

If she loans half her pairs to Erin Andrews, and then half of her remaining pairs to Michelle Tafoya, how many open toed sandals does Pam Oliver have left?

I don’t know. 6?

WRONG. Let’s try an easier one.

There are 39 cheerleaders on the Jets “Flight Crew” squad.

If you steal three pairs of used socks from each woman’s hamper, how many total socks would you have when you sneak out of their locker room?

I don't know. But ew.

Look, just imagine that there are 17 women in a room.

Each woman has 2 legs, each leg has 1 foot, and each foot has 5 toes.

So if 8 of the women have not showered today, then what percentage of the total toes will have a sweaty, salty aftertaste?

Coach, are all these questions going to be about feet, or…?

THIS IS WHY WE’RE 1-4! BECAUSE I HAVE A BRAIN-DEAD SIMPLETON FOR A QB!

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I'M A FOOTBALL THROWING GUY, NOT A MATH KNOWING GUY.

FROM WHAT I’VE SEEN, YOU’RE NEITHER.

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3 Comments

  1. Ben Roethlisberger

    October 9, 2014 at 6:17 am

    BECAUSE GENO SMITH HAS HAD A TERRIBLE SEASON, YOU SEE

  2. Guy Who Whispers "Penis"

    October 8, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    *whispers* penis

  3. Jim in NYC

    October 8, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    LOL…I asked for it, and you did not disappoint!!!!

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