INTERCEPTED TEXT: Peyton Manning’s Top Ten List For Alex Smith

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Updated: November 14, 2013

PEYTON MANNING ALEX SMITH TEXT FEATURED IMAGE no text 475

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10:24
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Alex Smith

READY TO GET BONED BY MY BRONCOS THIS WEEKEND, ALEX SMITH?!

How did you get this number?

Smith, I am Peyton Goddamn Manning. I HAVE EVERYONE'S NUMBER.

What does that mean?

It's a reference to how I beat everyone. Jesus, you're dense.

Anyway, get ready. Because here comes the TOP TEN REASONS WHY MY BRONCOS ARE GOING TO ANNIHILATE YOUR LOWLY CHIEFS ON SUNDAY!

“Lowly?” We’re undefeated, you goon.

NUMBER 10: The Broncos have a distinct advantage in that their quarterback was the first overall pick of the draft.

I was the first overall pick of the draft too, genius.

Yes, But I was actually worthy of that pick.

I'M 9-0!

Yes, I know. That brings me to reason NUMBER 9:

You’ve fattened up your record on a bunch of Twinkies and cupcakes. But now you’re about to choke on a BIG SLAB OF MANNING MEAT COMING RIGHT DOWN YOUR THROAT.

That’s disgusting.

So are your passing mechanics.

NUMBER 8: We made a smart move by totally, on-purpose, losing a game to the Colts earlier this year.

Now we have our one and only defeat out of the way, and can focus on the task at hand of shaming you on national television.

YOU on the other hand, still have that completely lucky and undeserved 9-0 record, which is just going to create added pressure for you to buckle under.

I think we’re handling the pressure just fine.

I wonder how well you’re going to handle the crushing disappointment of missing the playoffs with a 9-7 record?

Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

Why? You think we’re going to beat you so badly this week that the league may just count it as two losses?

Okay fine, then 8-8 it is.

NUMBER 7: Having me out there at QB is like having an extra coach on the field.

But having you out there at QB is like grabbing one of those drunk fans that runs out onto the field waving their arms, and saying, “here guy, put on a helmet and start throwing wobbly passes.”

I’ll have you know that my 28-5-1 record over the past three seasons is tops among ALL quarterbacks, you included.

Smith, trying to twist stats to prove a point just makes you look pathetic.

NUMBER 6: I have 33 passing TDs so far this season, which puts me on pace to SHATTER the NFL record.

The only record you’re on pace to shatter is Tebow’s mark of “Divots replaced, single season.”

What the hell does that mean?

BECAUSE YOU BOTH THROW AT THE GROUND SO MUCH, idiot.

NUMBER 5: I am an EXPERT on reading defenses, calling audibles, and running two-minute drills. The only thing you’re an expert in is oversized steering wheels and wide right hand turns.

I don’t know what that means either

BECAUSE YOU’RE A BUS DRIVER. Jeez, keep up, simpleton.

NUMBER 4: In the 4th quarter of a close game, MY team draws confidence from the fact that they have Peyton Goddamn Manning at QB. But your team just feels deflated because, you know.

NOTHING YOU SAY MAKES SENSE. I AM THE WINNINGEST QB IN THE LEAGUE OVER THE PAST THREE SEASONS!!!

Shrieking and screeching, are we? Looks like that 9-0 pressure is having its effect.

NUMBER 3: My team can play with confidence, knowing they have the greatest QB of all time to guide them.

But your team will be distracted all game, worrying about who the Chiefs might draft next year to fill their gaping hole at QB.

THE CHIEFS ARE NOT REPLACING ME NEXT SEASON.

SMITH! It’s very rude to keep interrupting me while I’m telling you how badly you suck.

NUMBER 2: No team can expect to win a big game while being led by a backup QB.

I AM NOT A BACKUP

Your play suggests otherwise.

I mean look, you were benched last year in San Francisco for Collen Whatever-His-Name-Is.

And remember, the Niners BEGGED me to join them last year, which would have made you MY backup.

That would NOT have happened.

Yeah, you’re probably right.

Cutting you from the team would’ve been a condition of my signing.

Anyway, on to…

THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY MY BRONCOS WILL CRUSH YOUR CHIEFS THIS WEEKEND.

Ready? Okay, here it is:

We will beat you simply because I am Peyton Goddamn Manning. BOOM.

Okay, fine. Now it’s time for MY top-ONE list of why you will lose on Sunday.

This should be rich.

NUMBER 1: You are destined to lose because this game is going to have a playoff-like atmosphere.

AND YOU ARE PEYTON MANNING. BOOM.

TRASH TALKING IS THE LAST RESORT OF A DESPERATE QB, SMITH.

Leave a Reply

17 Comments

  1. iambicpentamaster

    December 19, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    “Peyton is of course way too classy to send texts like this”

    Says whom?

  2. Anonymous

    November 19, 2013 at 8:15 am

    This was great! These Peyton Manning ones are awesome!
    It’s about time for another Dan Snyder talks to Native American leader text. “So Sioux me”! BAHAHA! Hilarious!

  3. Doug

    November 18, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    This was awesome!!!

  4. Anonymous

    November 17, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    Peyton is of course way too classy to send texts like this, but it was pretty damn funny.

  5. Anonymous

    November 16, 2013 at 1:37 am

    Great ending haha. Peyton is awesome obviously, but choking in the playoffs with a clearly superior team has been pretty standard for him, and I’m a patriots fan so believe me I know what that looks like.

  6. Tumema.paopao

    November 15, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    Hello!ALEX SMITH , YOU HOW KNOW GOOD HARD WORKS FOOTBALL QB ALEX SMITH AND PAYTON MANNIMG YOUR PRAYS,

  7. Anonymous

    November 15, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Change your me to Payton girling!!!

  8. Anonymous

    November 15, 2013 at 11:37 am

    John

    November 14, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Pretty funny. But I’d think Peyton Manning would have the new iOS.
    ————————————————————————————–

    I’d be surprised if he has an iPhone and not a flip phone.

  9. Chrth

    November 15, 2013 at 9:26 am

    He’s also lost a whole lot more

  10. David

    November 15, 2013 at 8:51 am

    I’m pretty sure Peyton’s won more playoff games than Alice Smith…

  11. Nemo

    November 15, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Point Smith!

  12. Anonymous

    November 14, 2013 at 11:55 pm

    kind of liked the comeback of alex smith

  13. Anonymous

    November 14, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    All division teams have the same schedule except for two games, the Raiders have Steelers and Jets while the Chargers get Bengals and Dolphins

  14. Anonymous

    November 14, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    What is funny about the strength of schedule is that at the start of the season Denver’s was 32nd and KC’s was 2! Shows how quickly the landscape can change.

  15. Anonymous

    November 14, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    Don’t the Broncos and Chiefs have the same schedule except for 2 games (Broncos getting Ravens and Pats, Chiefs getting Bills and Browns)?

    Broncos have the 31st hardest schedule, Chiefs have the 32nd

  16. John

    November 14, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Pretty funny. But I’d think Peyton Manning would have the new iOS.

  17. Corey De Lee

    November 14, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Lmbooo Count it as two losses lmboo

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