INTERCEPTED TEXT: Peyton Manning Reacts To Wes Welker’s Suspension

By
Updated: September 3, 2014

PEYTON MANING WES WELKER TEXT no text 475

Verizon

11:21 am
47%

WES WELKER

GETTING REAL SICK OF YOUR SHIT, WELKER!

Who is this? Why are you texting me?

Don't play dumb with me, Dropsy. IT'S PEYTON.

I'm sorry. I'm just… I'm having trouble remembering things since my… my…

Concussion?

No thank you. I already have one.

THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

First you go and get your damn fool head banged up with yet another one of the 40 or 50 concussions you've had in your career.

THEN YOU GET YOURSELF SUSPENDED FOR SMOKING MAGGIES?

"Mollies," not "Maggies."

And you don't smoke it. It comes in capsule or powder form. You mix it in drinks, or just swallow a pill.

WELL EXCUSE ME FOR NOT BEING UP ON ALL YOUR LATEST DRUG LINGO, CHEECH.

Who is this? Why are you texting me?

I told you it's Peyton.

Peyton’s not here.

SHUT UP. WHY AM I BUSTING MY ASS TRYING TO WIN A SUPER BOWL, WHILE MY HIPPIE TEAMMATES KEEP STUMBLING AROUND IN DRUG-INDUCED STUPORS?

Last year, Von Miller failed a piss test and missed the first month of the season.

Then last week, our idiot kicker got all liquored up, and now HE’S suspended for four games.

AND TODAY I FIND OUT THAT YOU'RE OUT FOR A MONTH BECAUSE YOU HAD TO GO AND SNORT MORRIES AT ONE OF YOUR DRUG RAVES?

"Mollies," not "morries."

I DON'T CARE IF YOU CALL THEM "LIL' ORGASMIC OMAHAS," YOU STILL HAVE TO MISS OUR FIRST FOUR GAMES NOW!

Who is this? Why are you texting me?

Shut up. Do you have any idea what this is going to do to my stats?

I MIGHT ONLY THROW A MEASLY 45 TOUCHDOWNS THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF MY USUAL 50.

IT WASN'T ENOUGH THAT YOU KEEP DROPPING BALLS ALL YEAR? NOW YOU HAVE TO GO TRIPPING BALLS AS WELL?

Look it wasn't my fault. I was at the Kentucky Derby when it happened, and I'm pretty sure that somebody spiked my drink.

See, you can tell in this photo that I look a little discombulated.

...

Wes?

Yes?

Is ... is that Tom Brady standing next to you?

Um. Yes?

WHY THE FUCK IS TOM BRADY STANDING NEXT TO YOU AT THE KENTUCKY DERBY?

Well, he’s a horse racing fan like me, so we hung out and…

TOM BRADY ROOFIED YOU, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE.

No, no. Tom Brady and I are friends. He would never…

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. HE'S ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME AND MY VASTLY SUPERIOR QUARTERBACK SKILLS.

SO HE'S CORRUPTING ALL MY MORON TEAMMATES WITH ALCOHOL AND DRUGS.

You're being too hard on him. He actually treats us Broncos players really nicely.

Last year, for example, he gave Von Miller a big plate of brownies to wish him luck before his drug test.

And during training camp last month, he took Matt Prater out for mimosas.

THAT BUTT-CHINNED CUMSTAIN IS TRYING TO DERAIL MY SEASON BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS!

Who is this? Why are you texting me?

SHUT UP. Here's what we're going to do:

You're going to use your suspension time to hang out around Patriots headquarters.

Just before each game, I want you to slip a dozen boxes of dissolving laxatives into each one of their Gatorade jugs.

LET'S SEE BRADY MAKE THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR WHILE HE’S SHITTING HIS PANTS DURING EVERY FOURTH QUARTER.

Look, I have to go. My head hurts.

Tom sent me a little beaker-shaped inhaler, and some ground up aspirin. He said it would help with my concussion.

THAT'S A CRACK PIPE, YOU NITWIT.

Who is this? Why are you texting me?

Goddammit. We should've traded you for the horse.

Leave a Reply

51 Comments

  1. The devil

    September 7, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    Fuck it, you guys are too stupid to live in my realm. I am making you all immortal.

  2. Anonymous

    September 7, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    you think it’s not real then U R stupid.Your probably liberal also. Get a real life.

  3. Trinidad Wes

    September 7, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    DROP THE BALL, I’M SWEATIN’! WOO!

  4. Snakemanoside

    September 7, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    Lmfao fake ass fuck but fucking funny

  5. Darwin

    September 7, 2014 at 12:43 am

    “I fear the day technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.”
    -Mark Zuckerberg

  6. Wow wkw

    September 6, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    I can’t believe some of you idiots are saying this is fake? Really?

    You have to actual say it is, when have you ever seen a text message that long, with no time stamps, dates or names or phone number? It’s a joke/meme

  7. Anonymous

    September 6, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    Jdkdjsngbabsnxnx

  8. mollie

    September 6, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    “why is Tom Brady standing next to you at the Kentucky derby

    BAHAHAHAROFL

  9. Maverick MoPete

    September 6, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    I’ll give you a hint. You’re on a website called “Pro Football MOCK,” therefore it mocks Pro Football. Therefore, 10 times out of 10, you can assume that everything you read on here is either outright fake or a least large exaggerated. That’s still better than the 11 times out of 10 that you can assume that Tony Romo will choke in December.

  10. Anonymous

    September 6, 2014 at 11:14 am

    If this is true they all should be banned from the NFL!

  11. Ivan Schultz

    September 6, 2014 at 8:48 am

    is this real or not?

  12. Jacob

    September 6, 2014 at 8:14 am

    You are all fucking retards if you believed this was true for even a second

  13. Anonymous

    September 6, 2014 at 7:56 am

    Fake , come on now

  14. Maverick Mopete

    September 5, 2014 at 11:59 pm

    @jiminnyc No. Just explaining the jokes is not the Roethlisberger effect. The Roethlisberger Effect is when you explain every joke you hear, or overexplain the joke so that it loses all of its humor.

  15. Roger Goodell

    September 5, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    I was considering reducing Welkers suspension to only one game but I am afraid this changes things. I am also now considering a one game suspension for Peyton for taunting.

  16. Pingback: Here's Peyton Manning's Mock Text Convo With Wes Welker About His Drug Suspension | Total Pro Sports

  17. Pingback: FSUmanager vs. The Authority slapfight thread - Page 4 - SportsHoopla.com Sports Forums

  18. Teresa Johnson

    September 5, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    NO WAY PEYTON WOULD SAY ALL OF THIS. FAKE

  19. jiminnyc

    September 5, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    Here’s a question about the Roethlisberger Effect.

    Is it still being Dumbass Ben if you legitimately have to explain the joke? I just had to explain to my boss what a roofie is.

  20. jiminnyc

    September 5, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    There are certain lines I will remember fondly until the day I die. “TOM BRADY ROOFIED YOU, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE.” has just joined them.

  21. DJ Swearinger

    September 5, 2014 at 10:44 am

    LOL, Welker got doped? Guess I need to hit him again.

  22. Anonymous

    September 5, 2014 at 10:18 am

    You’re fucking stupid it’s not real…

  23. JJ Watt

    September 5, 2014 at 7:45 am

    Who is this? why are you texting me? lmao

  24. Pingback: Wes Welker - Page 2 - This Board Rocks

  25. Pingback: Keepin' It Clean and Completely Random - Page 66 - SportsHoopla.com Sports Forums

  26. Your Mom

    September 5, 2014 at 4:03 am

    The dumbest “joke” I’ve seen in awhile. Didn’t even crack a smile.

  27. Jack

    September 5, 2014 at 12:17 am

    Just…no.

  28. wes welker

    September 4, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    I actually barbecued it..sams help push it in.

  29. AnonyMOOSE

    September 4, 2014 at 6:40 pm

    I think sigh is ifhss or Name. Or both of them. ben Roethlisberger: “because they’re both the same troll you see?”

  30. Ben Roethlisberger

    September 4, 2014 at 7:41 am

    BECAUSE WES WELKER GETS A LOT OF CONCUSSIONS, YOU SEE.

  31. Michael Sam and Aaron Rodgers gay jokes are annoying

    September 3, 2014 at 11:46 pm

    They are more played out than Dallas cowboy jokes on NFL memes during the offseason. Even I got bored with those and I hate the cowgirls.

  32. Amanda

    September 3, 2014 at 11:22 pm

    If that ain’t fake I don’t know what is……but hella funny actually.

  33. Andy Dalton

    September 3, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    At least Welker is actually telling the truth when he says he doesn’t remember doing drugs.

  34. sigh

    September 3, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    I know its a fun web site but half the shit you retards say is soooo fucking stupid anyone that reads it well become stupid!!!

  35. sigh

    September 3, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    I mean come on there cant be this many dumb people in the world

  36. sigh

    September 3, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Great web sight but way to many dumb fucks that comment and dumb fuck things plzz people grow up and stop being stupid

  37. Anonymous

    September 3, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    Man ur a comedian

  38. AnonyMOOSE

    September 3, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    Similar reports are coming in from the San Francisco 49ers. Aldon Smith was reportedly taken out to dinner by Russell Wilson the night before he was caught with marijuana, and Ray McDonald was reportedly hanging out with Wilson the day before his DUI.

  39. Anonymous

    September 3, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    Arod sucks

  40. Cam Newton

    September 3, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Oooh ooooh oooh!!! “Something Aaron Rogers would say”?

  41. Tech_God

    September 3, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    For the 2014 season, this so far is the best PFM article written! Looking forward to the rest of the season!

  42. Anonymous

    September 3, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    I love Michael sam

  43. ifhss

    September 3, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    lol tripping balls

  44. Gee

    September 3, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    This is too long to even have a chance at being funny.

    For a good example of funny texts in sports I suggest consulting texts with dombrowski on Bless You Boys.

    Good Luck

  45. Guy who thinks PFM is real

    September 3, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    Tom Brady could get into a lot of trouble if this is true. He could even get suspended for the whole year.

  46. Anonymous

    September 3, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Wow

  47. nsnsnsnsxnsjsdmmsmdmdmdmdmdm

    September 3, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    Dhnsjsnsndjdndndndjdndjaaronrodgersbdbdbdbxxbdnsjdicksbdbdbdhhshdhdhdhsbnsuckerdndjjfjfjdjdjdjdjdjdhejdjdjxjdjisndndjdjdjdgaydjdjjsjdjsjs.

  48. Cam Newton

    September 3, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Oooh Oooh, things that Aaron Rodgers will never say to a heterosexual man?

  49. Guy Who Says Fuck Her Right In The Pussy

    September 3, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Fuck her right in the pussy

  50. Blaine Gabbert

    September 3, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    Weird. I also received a care package from Tom Brady: Multi-vitamins, all natural supplements, and a gift certificate to Massage Envy. In a card he told me to “Stay rested and healthy. In case the team needed me to play.” Seems like a nice guy to me.

  51. Anonymous

    September 3, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Welker is a dumb ass for doing drugs. He needs to stop lying and admit he did it on his own. Not that some one spiked his drink.

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