INTERCEPTED TEXT: Peyton Manning Offers Tom Brady His Support

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Updated: October 1, 2014

PEYTON MANNING TOM BRADY TEXT 475

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1:24 pm
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PEYTON MANNING

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Blow it out your neck bolt, Frankenhead. I don’t what to hear it.

OH MY GOD, THAT SO-CALLED “PERFORMANCE” OF YOURS AGAINST THE CHIEFS WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY.

No, what’s funny is the big cartoon axe that split your giant forehead in two during the wet dream I had last night.

YOU GOT BEAT 41-14. ON NATIONAL TV.

YOU THREW TWO PICKS, FUMBLED TWICE, AND HAD A QB RATING OF 61.8!

A DRUNK TIM TEBOW THROWING A FOOTBALL WHILE CARRYING A GIANT WOODEN CROSS ON HIS BACK COULD STILL PUT UP BETTER NUMBERS THAN THAT! LOLOLOLOL!

BLOW ME, DONKEY-BOY. It was just one bad game.

Hey tell me something, bro. Is it true that Arrowhead Stadium has the most comfortable sideline benches in the NFL?

Having never sat on one myself, I wouldn’t know. HAHAHAHAHA.

LAUGH IT UP, LURCHY McONE-RING. This little “slump” of mine won’t last long.

Trust me, I’m going to have the Bengals begging for mercy this week like a prisoner of war being force fed a Papa John’s pizza.

I don’t know, bro. Looks to me like you’re about to return to your normal backup role.

I mean sure, when Bledsoe got hurt you got to fill in as the Pats starter for a few games.

By "a few" you mean 197 games over 13 seasons, right?

Yes, but that was clearly just an interim thing.

Now that the Pats have finally found their quarterback of the future, you can go back to the bench where a 6th round pick like you belongs.

JIMMY GAROPPOLO IS NOT OUR QUARTERBACK OF THE FUTURE.

Oh, you’re saying he’s the QB of the present then? Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

THAT ROOKIE SUCKTARD IS NOT FIT TO CARRY MY UGGS. I AM THE ONLY STARTING QB FOR THE PATRIOTS.

I don’t think so, pal. I expect Belichick to announce your demotion any day now.

BULLSHIT. Did you listen to Belichick’s press conference the other day? He clearly supports me as the starter.

Yeah, but if you read between the grumbles, you can tell he’s excited about this Garoppolo kid.

Obviously, he’s thrilled to have a QB that can finally get his team a Super Bowl win.

YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT I WON THE SUPER BOWL IN 2001, 2003, AND 2004!

Wow, really? That can’t be true, is it?

Hold on, lemme see if Wikipedia has records that go back that far.

Huh, what do you know? You’re right.

I guess I missed those games because I was too busy watching Eli playing with his Legos and preparing for the onset of puberty.

Eli Manning was 23 years old In 2004

What's your point?

Piss off, squarehead. I’m done with this entire stupid text.

Why? Because you forgot to wear your reading glasses, grandpa?

YOU'RE OLDER THAN I AM, ASSHOLE!

Yeah, okay, that’s true.

But unlike you, I’m STILL setting NFL passing records, STILL winning games by the buttload, and STILL not sucking humongous ass out there on the field.

IT WAS ONE BAD GAME.

You remember what a bad game is, right? You have them every time you manage to stumble your way into a Super Bowl.

Hey, good zinger there pal!

It’s nice to see that Father Time left you with a sense of humor and just took all your passing talent instead.

Go stick your dick in a pepperoni slicer, Manning. I’m done with you.

No, wait, listen, there’s actually a reason for this text.

See, My Broncos are playing the Pats in a few weeks. So can you help me out with a scouting report on this fast-rising Garoppolo stud?

I would’ve waited until the week of our game to ask, but since you’ll probably have been cut by then anyway...

I'LL CUT YOU WITH A RUSTY SCALPEL DIPPED IN SMALLPOX YOU LUMBERING GOON!

Wow dude, your pending unemployment sure has made you cranky.

You know what? Since you and I have been pals for so long, I'm gonna do you a solid.

After Belichick cuts bait on your ass, I’ll see if I can get you signed here with the Broncos.

Not as a QB, you understand. We have somewhat higher standards than that.

But you could be our locker room piss-boy and vomit mopper.

General toiletry duties seem appropriate for you since your career is in the shitter anyway. LOLOL.

DIE IN A GREASE FIRE, MANNING.

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2 Comments

  1. MtVasuvius

    October 1, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Loving the Pats hate rofl

  2. Asshole

    October 1, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    Holy shit… that was awesome! Guess Alex Smith will be taking nekkid pics of Gisselle?

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