INTERCEPTED TEXT: Peyton Manning Gets A Message… From The Future

By
Updated: October 15, 2014

Peyton Manning Text From the Future no text

AT&T

2052 A.D.
36%

PEYTON MANNING

Peyton? Peyton Manning? YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY!

What? Who is this?

Wait, why does your name show up as "Peyton Manning?"

You're not Peyton Manning. I'M PEYTON MANNING.

No, it's me Peyton. YOUR FUTURE SELF. I'm texting you from the year 2052.

WHAT? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Breakthroughs in the field of fiber optic/quantum physics telecommunications in the late 2040's made text messaging through time possible.

But it's only available through AT&T, so naturally the reception sucks balls. I COULD GET CUT OFF AT ANY TIME.

Wow. Okay. What did I/you contact you/me to say?

The mid 21st century is a time of great anguish. And it's all because of a series of poor decisions that we made over the course of our life.

Us? POOR CHOICES?

Yes. You must correct the past by performing every one of the deeds I'm going to tell you, EXACTLY as I tell you to do them.

Otherwise, you'll set off a chain reaction of events that will result in U.S. President Bieber starting a global thermonuclear war in 2049.

HOLY OMAHA, THAT'S AWFUL!

Wait, how does Justin Bieber become president? He's Canadian.

No, not Justin Bieber. Trevor Bieber.

He’s Justin’s son who’s born in 2018 after a drunken one-night stand with Ann Coulter.

DEAR GOD. The spawn of those two would be the antichrist. REVELATIONS WARNED US ABOUT THIS.

Exactly.

So what decisions am I supposed to correct?

I know that you're enjoying your career as a professional Port-A-Potty scrubber, but believe it or not you were supposed to choose a life as an NFL quarterback.

The hell you talking about? I AM an NFL QB.

Are you? Oh good. A past version of me/you must have already contacted you/me to correct that one already.

I’m having trouble following this.

There are literally endless alternate universes out there in which reality as we know it spins off into a different timeline because of one simple change.

Whoa.

Have you found any universes where the Cleveland Browns have won a Super Bowl?

Not yet, but we’ve only counted 800 trillion so far.

So what other choices do I need to fix?

In 2012, you’re going to leave the Colts to join a new team. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU PICK THE BRONCOS!

But that is who I chose.

Oh thank God.

There's an alternate universe in which you signed with Rex Ryan and the Jets.

Ugh.

And your presence there puts Mark Sanchez on the bench, so his famous “Butt Fumble That Saved Humanity” never happened.

How the hell did Mark Sanchez’s butt fumble save humanity?

I don’t have time to explain all the details, but it involves Bill Belichick poisoning the entire world's water supply with concentrated liquid anthrax as part of a needlessly elaborate scheme to steal the Jets sideline signals.

Sounds entirely plausible for him.

PAY ATTENTION! Your final decision is the most important to stave off global thermonuclear war.

Okay, okay. What do I have to do?

On Sunday October 19th, 2014, you play the 49ers on Sunday night football, needing just two passing TDs to set the all-time NFL record.

Right, right. That's this week.

Perfect. It's very important that you NOT throw any touchdowns in this game.

THE FATE OF THE UNIVERSE DEPENDS UPON YOU NOT SETTING THAT RECORD. NOT THIS SUNDAY, NOT EVER.

WHAT? NO! I’VE SPENT MY WHOLE CAREER BUILDING UP TO THIS RECORD.

DON'T BE SO SELFISH, ASSHOLE! What about the lives of the 8 billion people on Earth whose lives depend on you not setting that mark?

COLLATERAL DAMAGE!

Listen, I of all people know how it feels to set that passing touchdown record and bask in that glory.

But you HAVE to believe me when I tell you the future depends on you giving up that dream.

THIS IS SO UNFAIR. I’VE WANTED THAT RECORD MY ENTIRE LIFE.

IT'S YOUR MORAL OBLIGATION TO HUMANITY!

At game time Sunday night, just go out and play like a kid. Have fun out there, but make sure you throw for zero touchdowns. And then announce your retirement immediately after you lose.

Wait, hold on.

"Play like a kid?"

"Have fun out there?"

BRETT FAVRE, YOU ASSHOLE. THIS IS YOU, ISN’T IT?

Dadgummit.

I knew I should've gone with my first impulse: a dick pic with "retire now" written on it in sharpie.

Quit trying to Jedi mind trick me into not breaking your record, old man. IT’S MINE THIS SUNDAY.

NO. THAT TD MARK SHOULD BE MINE FOREVER. IT FITS ME PERFECTLY, LIKE A PAIR OF COMFY BOOT-CUT WRANGLER JEANS.

No, you trying to trick me out of it is as tacky and cheap as every single Wrangler clothing product ever made.

Well, you're still not going to break my “Consecutive games started” streak.

No, but my brother Eli has a shot at breaking that one in a few years.

Not after I send him a “from the future” text telling him to quit the Giants and fulfill his destiny of becoming a rodeo clown.

Oh, I’m TOTALLY down with that plan.

Leave a Reply

4 Comments

  1. PFM Comments

    October 16, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    I was sure it was Bill Belichick lol.

  2. Bill Belichick

    October 15, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    Concentrated liquid anthrax in the water? Grumble!

  3. AnonyMOOSE

    October 15, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    lol even better than when peyton pretended to be archie and told eli he was adopted. or when Wilson trolled rogers with the Presbyterian priest story.

  4. PackerMatt

    October 15, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    Best intercepted text ever!

You must be logged in to post a comment Login