INTERCEPTED TEXT: Peyton Manning Gets Audited

By
Updated: August 14, 2014

Denver Broncos QB Peyton Manning Vs the IRS no txt 475

AT&T

4:45pm
71%

PEYTON MANNING

Mr. Manning? This is Howard Goldstein, your CPA.

And I’m Peyton Goddamn Manning, league MVP. What of it?

Mr. Manning, I’m your certified public accountant. I did your taxes back in April?

Oh right. You were the poindexter with the glasses and that “tickity-tick” machine, right?

My “calculator,” yes.

Mr. Manning, did you tear up the tax return I prepared for you, and instead fill out a new one on your own?

Yep. Your work sucked, so I audibled to a new one.

May I ask what was wrong with my work?

Frankly, I wasn’t happy with your attitude toward taxes.

In what way?

You wanted me to pay some.

Well apparently, your return has been flagged by the I.R.S. for an audit.

WHAT? THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING IS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE FLAGGED.

That rule only applies to NFL referees, I’m afraid.

Goddammit.

Well, whatever. Let ‘em audit me. The return I filed was flawless, anyway.

Actually, there are quite a few errors on your form.

BULLSHIT. Like what?

First of all, on the line marked “name,” you wrote “Peyton Goddamn Manning.”

Yes I did.

Then on the line marked, “occupation,” you again wrote “Peyton Goddamn Manning.”

Yep.

And in the boxes for your social security number, you wrote PEY-TO-NGODDAMNMANNING

Yeah, I remember that. I ran out of boxes for the letters so I had to draw some extra ones.

Those entries are not legally acceptable.

Yeah, but in my case it’s okay. Know why?

Why?

BECAUSE I’M PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

Mr. Manning, the problems with this return only get worse from there.

For your total income last year, you wrote “Around 80 bucks or so.”

Yep. So how much tax do I owe? 10 bucks? 15?

Mr. Manning, according to your W-2’s, your actual salary was over $18 MILLION dollars.

Dammitt. I knew I should’ve had the Broncos pay me in cash under the table.

In addition, you failed to report other income.

You own several Papa John’s pizza franchises, right?

Yeah. So?

You have to pay taxes on the money you made from them.

ABSOLOUTELY NOT. That’ll cost me a fortune!

Isn’t there some loophole we can exploit?

Well, maybe I can reduce the restaurant tax rate since I’m pretty sure the pizza at Papa John’s does not legally qualify as “food.”

DONE. What’s next?

You reported last year’s FICA total as“0.”

So?

So your FICA total last year was definitely not zero.

YES IT WAS. I LOOKED UP THE BOX SCORE, AND IT SAID ZERO.

“Box score?”

Mr. Manning do you know what FICA stands for?

Of course I do. I’m not an IDIOT.

It stands for “Football Interceptions thrown to Chiefs at Arrowhead.”

…?

I’m sorry, let me get this straight:

On the U.S. federal tax form, which all American citizens must fill out, you thought the term FICA refers to the number of “football interceptions” thrown to the Kansas City Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium?

Yeah, it did kind of seem oddly specific.

But whatever. I reported 0 FICA. So what?

Well for one thing, you actually DID throw two interceptions against the Chiefs last season at Arrowhead Stadium.

Yeah but everyone fudges the numbers on their taxes, right?

Secondly, FICA actually stands for Federal Income Contributions Act. It funds social security.

Wow. That’s a dumb acronym.

Also, your deductions are somewhat questionable.

Like what?

Several hard covered editions of a book titled, “The Idiot’s Guide To Football Blocking”

Those were holiday gifts for my offensive line.

Ten bottles of forehead concealing cream?

That was a typo. It should’ve said ten CASES.

Under “Employees,” you wrote, “Some guy named Vinny, who lives in East Boston.”

Yeah, he’s an independent contractor that I keep on retainer.

What service does he provide for you?

I pay him to leave flaming bags of dog shit on Tom Brady’s porch every few days.

Finally, under “miscellaneous expenses,” you wrote, “$5,000,” “$1,500,” and “$50”

Yes, I did.

The $5000 was the purchase price for three-dozen highly venomous Philippine spitting cobras.

The $1,500 was the shipping fee to have them flown to America.

And the $50 was the UPS charge to have them delivered to the Seahawks locker room.

What's the big deal? It was all a work related expense.

Mr. Manning, I’m sorry to say that this return of yours is a complete mess.

Look Goldstein, can’t you just fix it? I thought your people were supposed to be really good with dollars and numbers.

And what exactly do you mean by, “you people?”

You know. Nerds.

Leave a Reply

35 Comments

  1. The Purdue Guy

    November 5, 2014 at 8:37 am

    Such a classic. I’ve re-read this so many times and just seems to stay funny as ever.

  2. Russell Wilson

    August 19, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    What are those? wait… NOOOOOOO! THE SNAKES….. ARGHHHHHHHHHH! THE POIS………

  3. Some Dude

    August 18, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Wouldn’t you think that Peyton Goddamn Manning would just hire some intern to handle his text messaging?

  4. Urban Dictionary Guy

    August 17, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Who’s the boss? Tony Danza, bitch!

  5. Guy Who Likes to Shart

    August 17, 2014 at 11:28 am

    I had a few rapid-fire trouser thunder episodes while reading this article. When I stood up … you guessed it; brown stain. Sharts are still alive and well. Now what’s for lunch … and who’s going to bring me a new chair?

  6. Andy Dalton

    August 16, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    You know Peyton, if you weren’t such a dickhead, people might actually like you.

  7. Gisele Bündchen

    August 16, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    ^That’s what I said to Tom last night.

  8. BlownAwayDorthy

    August 15, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Well that was a waste of 5 minutes.

  9. I Love MOIST

    August 15, 2014 at 1:26 am

    This article makes me MOIST

  10. Reporter on the scene

    August 14, 2014 at 10:27 pm

    This just in, Peyton “GODDAMN” Manning, was just arrested for attempted murder of 53 players or former players of the Seattle Seahawks Football team.

  11. Typical Seahawk Fan

    August 14, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    ^ Ha ha! Love it. Way to represent Wilson, Beast Mode, and the Legion of Boom in the comment section! Peyton Goddamnit The Seahawks Crushed Me Manning should have to pay $43.08 in taxes just like he did for that dry cleaning. Only 3 weeks until regular season and less than 6 months until my Hawks win another Lombardi while 31 loser bandwagon fan bases with no class can suuuucccckkk it!

  12. Legion of Boom

    August 14, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    We drank the venom from 2 of the snakes and are more potent than ever. Thanks Manning! Next time we meet we’ll hold you to 0 yards and 0 points.

  13. Emoji Guy

    August 14, 2014 at 7:17 pm

  14. Ben Roethlesberger

    August 14, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE VINNY WAS THE DOG WHO REPLACED BRIAN WHEN HE DIED BUT BRIAN CAME BACK, WHICH LEFT VINNY WITH NO JOB!

  15. Maverick MoPete

    August 14, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    At least it wasn’t Matt Schaub delivering them. Otherwise, there’d be six-dozen snakes going the other way.

  16. Roger Goodell's One Inch Long Penis

    August 14, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    8=>~

  17. Roger Goodell's One Inch Long Penis

    August 14, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    8=>

  18. Johnny Manziel

    August 14, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    FUCK OFF LEBITCH
    AND STOP STEALING MY HOOKERS

  19. LeBron James

    August 14, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    Peyton, I would like you to do my taxes next year too.

  20. Penis Who Whispers "Guy"

    August 14, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    *Whispers* Guy

  21. Marshawn Lynch

    August 14, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    BEAST MODE ENJOYING GIFT OF VENOMOUS SNAKES TO LOCKER ROOM. BEAST MODE ALREADY TRAINING THEM ON FINE ART OF SKITTLE COLLECTION AND RAISING TWELFTH MAN FLAG BY SLITHERING UP POLE.

  22. Russell Wilson

    August 14, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    Oh, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.

  23. Peyton Goddamn Manning

    August 14, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    WILSON, I WILL TAKE YOUR FLIMSY LITTLE DICK AND STUFF IT UP CUTLER’S MOTHER’S VAGINA!

  24. Russell Wilson

    August 14, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    I never received them. They must have been intercepted. Sound familiar?

  25. Peyton Manning

    August 14, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    ENJOY THOSE VENOMOUS FILIPINO COBRAS WILSON!!!

  26. Russell Wilson

    August 14, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    Okay then, Peyton Whatever I want it to be Manning

  27. Brandon Moore

    August 14, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    Neither do I, mark sanchez

  28. Peyton Goddamn Manning

    August 14, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    IT IS NOW. I’M PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING, AND MY MIDDLE NAME IS WHATEVER I WANT IT TO BE!

  29. Mark Sanchez

    August 14, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    I like big butts and I cannot lie!

  30. Peyton Manning’s middle name isn’t Goddamn. And my name isn’t Gary Hogeboom.

  31. Russell Wilson

    August 14, 2014 at 10:50 am

    You forgot to include me on that list, “getting it out” guy.

  32. ifhss

    August 14, 2014 at 10:05 am

    I just had to google Philippine spitting cobras.Excellent work guys.

  33. Getting it out of the way before "it" comes

    August 14, 2014 at 10:04 am

    PENIS, VAGINA, OTHER BODY PARTS!!! CHEESY POOFS! DILDOS! BONERS! GUY WHO LIVES IN HIS MOM’S BASEMENT! EVERYTHING PFM SAM BRADFORD DOES IN PUBLIC AND PRIVATE!!

    Had to be done.

  34. The Ben Hater

    August 14, 2014 at 9:11 am

    IT’S NOT FUNNY BECAUSE COMMENTERS OVERUSE BEN’S “THING”

    IT IS, HOWEVER, FUNNY THAT I WAS JUST REFERRING TO HIS PENIS

  35. Ben Rothelsburgers

    August 14, 2014 at 6:59 am

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE ALL ACCOUNTANTS ARE JEWS

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