INTERCEPTED TEXT: Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck

By
Updated: October 16, 2013

PEYTON MANNING ANDREW LUCK FEATURED no text 475

AT&T

11:05 am
61%

PEYTON MANNING

LISTEN UP, JIZZSTAIN!

Mr. Manning? Nice to hear from you, sir.

SHUT YOUR STUPID SUCKHOLE, LUCK. We have urgent business to attend to.

I’d be happy to discuss any matter you like, sir.

This weekend, my Broncos play the Colts on Sunday Night Football. You know what that means?

That we’ll have an exciting matchup between two division leaders?

What? No, you turd. The game’s gonna be a snoozefest. We’ll destroy you by 6, maybe 8 touchdowns easy.

With all due respect sir, my Colts feel we can compete with anyone…

Did you just say, “your" Colts, you sniveling little rodent?

I… suppose I did, yes.

THAT TEAM IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE THE PROPERTY OF PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING, ESQ. YOU GOT THAT, ROOKIE?

I’m not a rookie, sir. This is actually my second…

SHUT YOUR FESTERING PUSSHOLE, LUCK. YOU’RE NOTHING MORE THAN A WORTHLESS FLEA ON A DISEASED RAT’S BUTTHOLE.

Sorry, sir.

Now AS I WAS SAYING, this weekend’s blowout win by my Broncos presents a once-in-a-lifetime GOLDMINE of a marketing opportunity.

So we’re going to need to memorize our roles to make sure we’re ready for Sunday.

Our roles, sir?

Try to keep up, Brillo-head. This game is all about MAKING ME MONEY. And to make money, the game needs an epic storyline.

So I want us to enact a classic “good guy-bad guy” scenario

Which of us is the bad guy sir?

HAVEN'T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION YOU IMPOTENT NECKBEARD? You're talking to Peyton Goddamn Manning. I'm ALWAYS the good guy.

Obviously sir.

So this is how we market it: I’ll be the noble hero, returning for an emotional game against the franchise that I once loved.

And my role?

You’re the sinister, grotesquely ugly villain that stole my team from me.

Sir I don't think I "stole" your team so much as they drafted me to replace you after you signed the richest contract in NFL history with the Broncos

LUCK IF I WANT YOUR OPINION I'LL COCK SMACK IT OUT OF YOU.

Now we need to give you a backstory, dummy.

I beg your pardon sir?

Don't pretend like you didn't grow up reading comic books instead of kissing girls Luck. You know the drill. Every evil villain needs a backstory.

Could I be the humble young QB preparing for the great privilege of matching up against my lifelong hero?

Jesus Christ, Luck. You really do lead the league in “stupid” you know that?

I'm sorry sir.

Let's go with this: When you were 13 years old, you were turned into a eunuch by an errant throw in a backyard flag football game that knocked your balls clean off.

That doesn’t sound medically plausible, sir.

STOP INTERRUPTING ROOKIE.

But I'm not a... sorry sir.

Ever since then, you’ve been on an evil quest for revenge against all the greatest and most handsome QB’s in the world.

And now, you’re plotting to defeat our hero, the noble Peyton Manning, despite the fact that I've been nothing but kind and generous to you.

But sir I...

SHUT THAT GODDAMN DICKHOLSTER YOU CALL A MOUTH, LUCK

Sorry sir.

Then in the closing seconds of the game, as I’m about to emerge with a 48-point victory, you lose control of your temper on the sideline.

In a mad fit of rage, you grab a knife and charge toward a young mother in the stands who's holding a newborn infant in one hand, and a litter of adorable puppies in the other.

But at the last second, I throw a perfect spiral at you that knocks you unconscious, ricochets off your head, and lands in Wes Welker's arms for one final glorious touchdown.

I'm not sure that would be a legal pass, sir.

As the cops drag you off to jail, Make sure the cameras catch you shaking your fist and saying, “Curse you Peyton Manning, you perfect specimen of a quarterback. You foiled my evil plans!”

But Sir wouldn’t this plan end up with me in jail?

Exactly. THERE'S NO DOWNSIDE!

THINK OF THE CASH I'LL RAKE IN FROM THIS. ITS PERFECT!

Mr. Manning, to be perfectly honest, I'm uncomfortable with several aspects of your plan.

Aw Christ, I KNEW you were gonna be a crybaby about this. Which part bothers you, Gladys?

The "losing the game" and "being a eunuch" parts.

Also I'm not wild about going to prison for attempted murder.

You just refuse to be a team player, don't you Luck?

Mr. Manning, you must know that I hold you in the highest possible esteem. You've been a role model and inspiration to me for almost two decades now.

Honestly sir, all I want is to join the fans of Indianapolis in welcoming you back to the city you once called home, and enjoy the honor of competing against you in a good, fair contest.

Wow.

You know what, Luck? That sounds perfect to me.

Really sir?

YES. You say all that horseshit into the microphone to distract the crowd while your minions start pumping poison gas through the stadium A/C vents.

That's when I'll start flinging 80-yard bombs so powerful, they blow the fumes straight out the roof.

Then, having been converted to Bronco fans, the entire crowd carries me off the field on their shoulder and we all go to Papa John's to order 35,000 Meat Lover specials, trampling you to death in the process.

Sigh. Yes sir.

AND WATCH THAT ATTITUDE ROOKIE.

I'm not a... Sorry sir.

Leave a Reply

9 Comments

  1. Travis Tharp

    November 4, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    It’s funny to read this now after the Colts beat the Broncos… you guys just look stupid…

  2. ChrisO

    October 24, 2013 at 10:53 am

    do you realize that lucks brain cells that died today are smarter than most of you..lol
    I thought this bit was funny

  3. shadowcell

    October 17, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Have you guys ever heard Andrew Luck speak? He sounds like he would be exactly the way he’s depicted here, and then he’ll talk your ear off about some super cool thing he did in Minecraft the other day.

  4. Anonymous

    October 17, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Luck never fights back. Ever. Even when Cutler goes off on him during the fantasy draft his only response is “I admire your blunt honesty, sir.”

  5. Anonymous

    October 16, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Honestly, this could’ve been better. Luck needs to fight back a little, I was thinking that Luck tries to fight back but se sucks so much at being an asshole that his insults are completely ineffective or even that insulting, kind of like when he “threatened” Russell Wilson.

  6. Andrew Schinner

    October 16, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    Was this supposed to be funny or something?

  7. Seth

    October 16, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    I was hoping Luck at one point would be like “no, fuck off Manning you ungrateful shit”
    But he’s a brown-noser on this site… oh well

  8. Anonymous

    October 16, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    I think this one was funny, just a little long-winded because it’s only two guys.

  9. Jon

    October 16, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    These are usually funny, but this is just stupid.

You must be logged in to post a comment Login