INTERCEPTED TEXT: The Minnesota Vikings QB Woes
Hey coach. It’s Christian.
And I know you from where?
I’m your starting quarterback.
It’s Ponder, coach.
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, PLUNDER? Practice has been going on for 20 minutes.
That’s actually why I’m texting you sir. You see...
THIS IS WHY WE’RE 0-2! BECAUSE YOUR TEAMMATES ARE LOSING RESPECT FOR YOU.
I’m pretty sure they’ve lost all respect for me already sir.
What makes you say that?
Because they’ve locked me in the trunk of my car.
That’s a hell of an accusation, son. Do you have any proof to back that up?
Well, I have… me. Curled up here inside my trunk. Does that count as proof?
That’s just circumstantial evidence. It’d never hold up under cross-examination.
Coach, do you think you could maybe send a ballboy or something to let me out of here?
What? No! We need them to collect balls and whatnot. They don’t have time to run around doing your personal errands.
THAT IS EXACTLY WHY WE’RE 0-2 PLUNDER. BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISHNESS.
It’s Ponder, sir.
And I thought you said we were 0-2 because the team had lost respect for me?
Yes, that too. Also the fact that you can’t throw a football very well.
Coach, my phone’s battery is low, and it’s really hot in here. Isn’t there anyone you can send to let me out?
No dice. You got yourself into this situation. You can get yourself out.
But see I really feel like the team got me into this situation. Because of when they shoved me into the trunk and all.
Stop whining. LEADERS DON’T WHINE PLUNDER.
I have to go. Greg Jennings looks thirsty. I’m going to bring him some Gatorade.
That’s thoughtful of you coach.
I like to keep my players happy Plunder.
Hey Adrian. It’s me Christian.
Christian Ponder, your quarterback?
What’s a “quarter-back?”
The guy who hands you the football.
Oh right, the MIDDLEMAN. Why didn’t you say so?
Listen, I could really use your help. Some of the guys locked me in the trunk of my car, and…
Yeah, that’s nice. Do you know what I could use? AN OFFENSE CAPABLE OF OCCASIONALLY COMPLETING A PASS!
There’s not much oxygen in here. I’m getting kind of dizzy.
SHUT UP! HOW AM I GOING TO BREAK ERIC DICKERSON’S SINGLE SEASON RUSHING RECORD WHEN OPPONENTS KEEP STACKING 14 MEN IN THE BOX TO STOP ME BECAUSE THEY DON’T RESPECT OUR PASSING GAME?
There’s only 11 guys on defense.
I WAS SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY!
How is that a metaphor?
SHUT UP! THIS IS WHY WE’RE 0-2! BECAUSE YOU KEEP QUESTIONING MY GRAMMATICAL TECHNIQUES.
That’s why we’re 0-2?
Look Middleman, I need to get back to practice so I can continue to CARRY THIS TEAM ON MY SHOULDERS. So is there anything else?
Yes. Could you come let me out, PLEASE? I’ve been yelling and banging in here as loud as I can and no seems to hear me.
Well it sounds like you’re up shit’s creek without a pot to piss in.
That’s not how that saying goes.
I WAS USING HYPERBOLE
But that’s not what hyperbole means.
GOD, YOU NEVER STOP, DO YOU?
Hey Jared, It’s Christian Ponder
I’M THE QUARTERBACK! YOUR TEAMMATE FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW MY NAME?
I pretty much just think of our offense as Adrian Peterson and the 10 Not-Adrian Petersons.
Well look, I REALLY need your help here. I’m locked in the trunk of my car, and…
Yeah, well do you know what I need? AN OFFENSE CAPABLE OF SUSTAINING DRIVES SO I’M NOT BACK ON THE FIELD EVERY THREE MINUTES.
And I’d love to help you with that, but first would you mind coming to let me out? My battery’s about to die and it’s really getting hot in here.
You wanna talk hot? I’M OUT HERE SWEATING MY NUTSACK OFF IN THIS SWELTERING HEAT. AT LEAST YOU’RE IN THE SHADE, YOU BIG BABY.
I think my skin is starting to boil
THIS IS WHY WE’RE 0-2, NOT-ADRIAN! BECAUSE YOUR BODY CAN’T PROPERLY THERMOREGULATE DURING PERIODS OF PROLONGED HEAT EXPOSURE!
JARED PLEASE! I’M STUCK IN HERE AND I CAN’T GET OUT!
Well, think of it as a “players only” meeting. But with just you.
Hi Matt, this is… it’s the quarterback
You know my name?
Sure. I make it a point to memorize the name of every second rate QB I supplant in the starting lineup.
Look, my battery’s almost dead here, so…
Wait, every QB you supplant as a starter? Who have you ever supplanted?
Oh, just a little known player named TOM BRADY, that’s who.
But, you didn’t supplant him. He got injured by Bernard Pollard.
Did he, though? Or did I actually move past him on the depth chart?
No, he definitely was injured. It was in all the papers
Was it though?
Yeah, it definitely was.
Well I remember it differently.
Look, I don’t have time for this right now. My phone’s about to die. Can you PLEASE come let me out of this trunk?
Now why would I help the guy I just supplanted as the starting QB?
You haven’t supplanted me as the starter.
Haven’t I though?
PLEASE MATT. It’s really hot in here and there’s not much air and I feel like I’m getting lightheaded.
Well, maybe you can hallucinate yourself into an alternate reality where you’re actually a capable quarterback.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I'M DOWN TO 1% BATTERY LIFE! HELP ME, PLEASE!
Oh all right, you big pansy. But I’m not spending all day wandering around a parking lot looking for your dumb ass.
Tell me exactly what kind of car you’re in and where I can find it.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
It’s a red
A red what?
A RED WHAT?
Ponder, there’s like 3 different red cars in the lot. You expect me to go knock on them ALL?
THIS IS WHY WE’RE 0-2 PONDER! BECAUSE YOU DON’T FINISH YOUR TEXT MESSAGES!
Well if you can’t be bothered to respond, then I’m not coming to get you. Have fun in your bench-trunk, loser.
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