INTERCEPTED TEXT: The Minnesota Vikings QB Woes

By
Updated: September 18, 2013

CHRISTIAN PONDER ADRIAN PETERSON NO TEXT 475

Sprint

1:12
13%

Leslie Frazier

Hey coach. It’s Christian.

Who?

Christian Ponder.

And I know you from where?

I’m your starting quarterback.

Oh, PLUNDER.

It’s Ponder, coach.

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, PLUNDER? Practice has been going on for 20 minutes.

That’s actually why I’m texting you sir. You see...

THIS IS WHY WE’RE 0-2! BECAUSE YOUR TEAMMATES ARE LOSING RESPECT FOR YOU.

I’m pretty sure they’ve lost all respect for me already sir.

What makes you say that?

Because they’ve locked me in the trunk of my car.

That’s a hell of an accusation, son. Do you have any proof to back that up?

Well, I have… me. Curled up here inside my trunk. Does that count as proof?

That’s just circumstantial evidence. It’d never hold up under cross-examination.

Coach, do you think you could maybe send a ballboy or something to let me out of here?

What? No! We need them to collect balls and whatnot. They don’t have time to run around doing your personal errands.

THAT IS EXACTLY WHY WE’RE 0-2 PLUNDER. BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISHNESS.

It’s Ponder, sir.

And I thought you said we were 0-2 because the team had lost respect for me?

Yes, that too. Also the fact that you can’t throw a football very well.

Coach, my phone’s battery is low, and it’s really hot in here. Isn’t there anyone you can send to let me out?

No dice. You got yourself into this situation. You can get yourself out.

But see I really feel like the team got me into this situation. Because of when they shoved me into the trunk and all.

Stop whining. LEADERS DON’T WHINE PLUNDER.

Ponder, sir.

I have to go. Greg Jennings looks thirsty. I’m going to bring him some Gatorade.

That’s thoughtful of you coach.

I like to keep my players happy Plunder.

Ponder.

Sprint

1:33
9%

Adrian Peterson

Hey Adrian. It’s me Christian.

Who?

Christian Ponder, your quarterback?

What’s a “quarter-back?”

The guy who hands you the football.

Oh right, the MIDDLEMAN. Why didn’t you say so?

Listen, I could really use your help. Some of the guys locked me in the trunk of my car, and…

Yeah, that’s nice. Do you know what I could use? AN OFFENSE CAPABLE OF OCCASIONALLY COMPLETING A PASS!

There’s not much oxygen in here. I’m getting kind of dizzy.

SHUT UP! HOW AM I GOING TO BREAK ERIC DICKERSON’S SINGLE SEASON RUSHING RECORD WHEN OPPONENTS KEEP STACKING 14 MEN IN THE BOX TO STOP ME BECAUSE THEY DON’T RESPECT OUR PASSING GAME?

There’s only 11 guys on defense.

I WAS SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY!

How is that a metaphor?

SHUT UP! THIS IS WHY WE’RE 0-2! BECAUSE YOU KEEP QUESTIONING MY GRAMMATICAL TECHNIQUES.

That’s why we’re 0-2?

Look Middleman, I need to get back to practice so I can continue to CARRY THIS TEAM ON MY SHOULDERS. So is there anything else?

Yes. Could you come let me out, PLEASE? I’ve been yelling and banging in here as loud as I can and no seems to hear me.

Well it sounds like you’re up shit’s creek without a pot to piss in.

That’s not how that saying goes.

I WAS USING HYPERBOLE

But that’s not what hyperbole means.

GOD, YOU NEVER STOP, DO YOU?

Sprint

1:47
5%

Jared Allen

Hey Jared, It’s Christian Ponder

WHO?

I’M THE QUARTERBACK! YOUR TEAMMATE FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW MY NAME?

I pretty much just think of our offense as Adrian Peterson and the 10 Not-Adrian Petersons.

Well look, I REALLY need your help here. I’m locked in the trunk of my car, and…

Yeah, well do you know what I need? AN OFFENSE CAPABLE OF SUSTAINING DRIVES SO I’M NOT BACK ON THE FIELD EVERY THREE MINUTES.

And I’d love to help you with that, but first would you mind coming to let me out? My battery’s about to die and it’s really getting hot in here.

You wanna talk hot? I’M OUT HERE SWEATING MY NUTSACK OFF IN THIS SWELTERING HEAT. AT LEAST YOU’RE IN THE SHADE, YOU BIG BABY.

I think my skin is starting to boil

THIS IS WHY WE’RE 0-2, NOT-ADRIAN! BECAUSE YOUR BODY CAN’T PROPERLY THERMOREGULATE DURING PERIODS OF PROLONGED HEAT EXPOSURE!

JARED PLEASE! I’M STUCK IN HERE AND I CAN’T GET OUT!

Well, think of it as a “players only” meeting. But with just you.

Sprint

2:01
2%

Matt Cassel

Hi Matt, this is… it’s the quarterback

Christian Ponder?

You know my name?

Sure. I make it a point to memorize the name of every second rate QB I supplant in the starting lineup.

Look, my battery’s almost dead here, so…

Wait, every QB you supplant as a starter? Who have you ever supplanted?

Oh, just a little known player named TOM BRADY, that’s who.

But, you didn’t supplant him. He got injured by Bernard Pollard.

Did he, though? Or did I actually move past him on the depth chart?

No, he definitely was injured. It was in all the papers

Was it though?

Yeah, it definitely was.

Well I remember it differently.

Look, I don’t have time for this right now. My phone’s about to die. Can you PLEASE come let me out of this trunk?

Now why would I help the guy I just supplanted as the starting QB?

You haven’t supplanted me as the starter.

Haven’t I though?

PLEASE MATT. It’s really hot in here and there’s not much air and I feel like I’m getting lightheaded.

Well, maybe you can hallucinate yourself into an alternate reality where you’re actually a capable quarterback.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I'M DOWN TO 1% BATTERY LIFE! HELP ME, PLEASE!

Oh all right, you big pansy. But I’m not spending all day wandering around a parking lot looking for your dumb ass.

Tell me exactly what kind of car you’re in and where I can find it.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

It’s a red

Yeah?

A red what?

A RED WHAT?

Ponder, there’s like 3 different red cars in the lot. You expect me to go knock on them ALL?

THIS IS WHY WE’RE 0-2 PONDER! BECAUSE YOU DON’T FINISH YOUR TEXT MESSAGES!

Well if you can’t be bothered to respond, then I’m not coming to get you. Have fun in your bench-trunk, loser.

14 Comments

  1. Shane

    September 18, 2013 at 9:48 am

    These used to be funny. …

  2. Anonymous

    September 18, 2013 at 11:28 am

    not just a fail, an epic long unfunny fail

  3. Anonymous

    September 18, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    bad

  4. Anonymous

    September 18, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    I thought that was funny!

  5. Anonymous

    September 18, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    It was funny. Don’t listen to those guys. Keep up the good work!!!! These usually make my day.

  6. Anonymous

    September 19, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    I enjoyed it

  7. anonymous

    September 20, 2013 at 6:51 am

    Enjoyed it, too! I’m glad there’s not a lot of bad words on this one.

  8. Anonymus

    September 22, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Previous 3 Anonymous:What have you guys been smoking?

  9. boogybot6

    September 24, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Previous 4th Anonymous: When you find out, think the first three could ‘hook a brother up?’

  10. Anonymous

    September 24, 2013 at 11:18 am

    these were actually funnier than the texts

  11. Jcor

    September 24, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    Ha, I think you’ve found some Viking fans up there at the top…

  12. Big D

    September 30, 2013 at 2:30 am

    Jared Allen’s and Matt Cassells were funny. the other two were okay.

  13. Anonymous

    October 1, 2013 at 6:32 am

    Hey guy who said these were unfunny, how is YOUR website doing? Oh wait you are a failure who has never accomplished anything …. that’s what I thought.

  14. Cowboy

    October 4, 2013 at 10:58 am

    i think the texts are the best, other then the Facebook conversations.

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