INTERCEPTED TEXT: Matt Schaub Wants to Start a Charity

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Updated: October 2, 2013

MATT SCHAUB ANTI BULLY FEATURED IMAGE 475

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ROGER GOODELL

Commissioner, it's Matt Schaub. I have a GREAT idea for a new charity.

That’s nice Matt. I can put you in touch with our Community Outreach Director to discuss…

It’s an “anti-bullying” charity. To stop bullying!

That’s a very worthwhile cause. So let me connect you with the department that handles these things…

It’s time the NFL took a stand against the heartless, cruel bullying that takes place far too often nowadays.

Agreed. No one likes seeing kids get harassed.

What? Kids? Screw them. I’m talking about ME.

You. Really?

Have you SEEN some of the awful things I’ve had to put up with since the Seahawks stole that game from us on Sunday?

How did they “steal” the game exactly?

NOT THE POINT. The point is that I shouldn’t have to be taunted by fire.

I… don’t know what that means.

It means that after that game, a fan bought a $200 Matt Schaub jersey from the stadium store. JUST TO BURN IT IN THE PARKING LOT!!!

That’s not bullying, Matt.

A waste of $200, certainly, but not bullying.

LET ME FINISH. There’s also the people who were tweeting all kinds of hurtful things to me after the game. I had to delete my Twitter account!

Again Matt, this doesn’t qualify as bullying.

DID YOU SEE THE CRUEL THINGS BEING TWEETED AT ME?

“Schaub, you suck more than Cutler’s mom at a convention of three-dicked men."

“Hey Princess Pickoff, your stats are receding faster than your hairline."

“The Texans would be better off with that one-armed drummer from Def Leppard as their QB”

And those were just from Tom Brady.

I’m sorry to hear all this Matt. But as I said, this is not bullying in the true sense of the word.

Oh yeah? What about HAMBURGERS?

I… what?

Just LOOK at what some crappy burger joint in Houston is now advertising to their fans.

HAHAHAHAHA. THAT’S PRETTY FUNNY.

I mean, gee, that’s awful.

This is UNACCEPTABLE. We need ORGASMS to come down on this kind of thing.

Matt, you realize I have no idea what you’re talking about when you say these things, right?

ORGASMS. It’s the acronym for the charity you’re going to set up for me.

It stands for “Outlaw Rudeness Givers And Save Matt Schaub.”

That’s the worst acronym I’ve ever heard.

No one is going to contribute to an anti-bullying charity that benefits only you. Especially one named “O.R.G.A.S.M.S.”

Don’t use periods. I don’t like ORGASMS with periods involved.

Sigh.

Well Matt, I’ll be sure to bring this up at the league’s next “Let’s organize a big stupid new charity” meeting. So anyway, I should go…

WAIT. You haven’t heard the worst part yet. I’m being bullied by other NFL players!

You’re going to tell me how, aren’t you?

LET ME TELL YOU HOW. First of all, big mean guys from the other teams are chasing, hitting, and knocking me down. EVERY WEEK.

That’s called “defense”” Matt

IT’S CALLED BEING MEAN.

And then Richard Sherman of Seattle’s been going around telling everyone that he knew our plays in advance.

DO YOU KNOW HOW FOOLISH THAT MAKES ME LOOK?

Hard to believe anything could make you look foolish.

Now I have people around the country mocking me just because I threw a pick-6 two weeks in a row.

I thought it was three weeks in a row.

SO NOW YOU’RE BULLYING ME TOO?

DON’T MAKE ME SICK MY CHARITY ON YOU, ROGER GOODELL! YOU DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THE WRATH OF MY ORGASMS.

Well there’s a mental image I won’t be able to shake for a while.

Even my own head coach is telling people that he doesn’t trust me enough to let me audible out of plays. And people are speculating that the Texans might even cut me.

How is any of this bullying?

BECAUSE IT HURTS ME IN MY SWIMSUIT AREA, THAT’S HOW!

It hurts you in your genitals?

What? No, pervert. In my heart.

Your heart isn’t considered part of your “swimsuit area.”

It is for me. I pull the waistband of my trunks up pretty high.

Look Matt…

RANDOMLY GENERATED ABSTRACT COMPUTER IMAGES ARE HARASSING ME!

Huh. I’m no longer surprised when you blurt things out like that.

When I play as myself in Madden 25 on my XBOX, the opposing team sacks me. EVERY SINGLE TIME. IT’S NOT FAIR!

Are you calling play-action passes?

Yes.

Well there’s your problem. Never run play-action on Madden. Just call hot routes to force your outside receivers to run quick slants.

How do I do that?

Press D-Pad up, hit A, move the left joystick left, hit B, move the left joystick right.

What if the computer is in press coverage?

Hot route to a deep pass. D-pad up, A, left joystick up. Duh.

Whatever. So are you setting up my charity or what?

Afraid not, no.

THEN HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM BEING MEAN TO ME?

Playing better football might be an idea to consider.

SHUT UP. I’M SICK OF GETTING PICKED ON.

And I’m sure Texans fans are sick of you getting picked off.

STOP BULLYING ME!

Leave a Reply

6 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    November 11, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    Kinda funny now with the whole Jonathan Martin thing

  2. Donovan Mason

    October 7, 2013 at 7:01 am

    That awkward moment when Goodelll gives you great advice for madden

  3. #GoogleMyAss (@iLeonD)

    October 5, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Bravo!

  4. brian8556 (@brian8556utube)

    October 4, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Outlaw Rudeness Givers And Save Matt Schaub. BRILLIANT!

  5. Seth

    October 2, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    I’d donate to Orgasms LOL

  6. Anonymous

    October 2, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    “LET ME TELL YOU HOW. First of all, big mean guys from other teams are chasing, hitting, and knocking me down me. EVERY WEEK” LOL!!!!!

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