INTERCEPTED TEXT: Matt Ryan and Drew Brees Have a Friendly Pre-Game Chat
Yo Drew! Ready for the new season to start?
Piss off, Ryan
Aw, don’t be like that. I’m just writing to wish you luck on our game Sunday!
Thanks. Now beat it.
Hey you remember the last time we played, back in November?
I’m not talking to you about that game.
If I remember correctly, that was when we snapped your NFL record for consecutive games with a touchdown, wasn’t it?
I can think of something else I’d like to snap right now.
Well, my memory must be playing tricks on me. I seem to recall you throwing FIVE interceptions in that game.
That can’t be correct, can it? I mean, you would never throw five interceptions in one game, right?
I hope you get anal warts of the face.
Hang on. I’m looking up the stats from that game right now and, let’s see here…
Hey, what do you know? I was right. You DID throw five picks in that game!
Along with 341 yards, douchelips.
OH WAIT – NOW IT’S ALL COMING BACK TO ME.
Each one of those picks you threw was unique in its own way, so I gave each of them a name, didn’t I?
I called them “Flopsy,” “Dropsy,” “Ducky,” “Sucky,” and “Mr. Wobbles.”
Ryan, you do realize that unlike you, I've BEEN to a Super Bowl right?
Oh Drew. Let's not dwell on the past and instead talk about THIS week, 'kay? Because I have an important favor I need to ask you:
YES, I will be happy to be the "assist" in your "assisted suicide"
No, me and the boys have a big victory party planned for Sunday night. So if it’s okay with you, I’d like to beat the rush by pre-naming all the interceptions you're going to throw this weekend right now, okay?
As if you've ever beaten a rush of any kind in your entire life.
Now I'm guessing you'll toss about three picks in the first quarter, so I'm going to call them "Bouncey," "Flouncey," and "Trouncey."
But please do me a favor and don't throw any more than that in the first quarter, okay? I have to spread these names out a little.
Only if you'll do me a favor in return and punch yourself in the dick with a cactus.
As for your 2nd quarter picks, I'll dub them, "Oopsie," "Whoopsie," and "Little Lord Quackington."
Interceptions thrown in the 3rd quarter will either be called "The Drive Killa" or "The Red Zoner Boner," depending on your field position at the time you turn the ball over.
And finally, all the desperation bombs we intercept from you in the 4th quarter will be called, "Chokey," "Croaky," and "The Long Distance Failure-Gram"
Hey how about it I throw a pick that loses yet another playoff game and disappoints all my teammates and fans? Could we call that one a “Ryan?”
Ooh, no, sorry, that one is already labeled a “Hail Favre”
Ryan, if you put half as much thought into game-planning and practice as you do these dumb-ass interception names, maybe you'd have a Super Bowl ring by now.
Oh, that reminds me: I have a name for your Super Bowl Ring too
I don't want to hear it.
I call it, "The Ill-Gotten Bounty Bling of Asterisk Von Cheaterville"
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