INTERCEPTED TEXT: Joe Flacco Needs Tom Brady’s Help

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Updated: August 28, 2013

TOM BRADY JOE FLACCO FEAT IMAGE no text 475w

AT&T

11:39
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Joe Flacco

Hey Tom.

What do you want?

Nothing special. Just saying hi. Wishing you luck on the new season.

Bullshit.

Okay, fine. I was kind of hoping you could help me out with a favor.

No, I'm not going to teach you how to throw a football.

That's not what I was going to ask you.

Well it should be. You throw like a drunk baboon with Parkinson's disease.

You know, I WAS Super Bowl MVP a few months ago. I think I know how to throw a football.

Do I have to remind you that Eli Manning was also a Super Bowl MVP?

Point taken.

So what is this "favor?"

Well... I want you to help me become a fashion icon.

HAHAHAHA.

And people say that you're ugly and have no sense of humor. Turns out you're just ugly.

I'm being serious.

So am I. You're butt-ugly.

ABOUT THE FASHION THING.

I'm selling a line of official Joe Flacco T-shirts, and I want you to help me make them popular.

Here, look:

AUGGH, MY EYES!

I'VE BEEN BLINDED BY THE SHEER LACK OF STYLE.

Haha. Very funny. Ass.

I was thinking you could help me get the word out about them. Since your wife is a supermodel and all.

MY WIFE IS NOT A SUPERMODEL

Yes she is. I've seen her in magazines and stuff.

My wife made a cool $42 million last year, AND she gets banged by the greatest QB in the history of the NFL at least five times a week.

That makes her a SUPERDUPERMODEL.

Okay, fine. She's a super-duper-model. So anyway...

TYPE IT IN CAPS AND ITALICS.

Sigh.

She's a SUPERDUPERMODEL. Happy?

Yep. Because I bang her.

So ANYWAY, I was hoping that since your wife is a SUPERDUPERMODEL that maybe she could wear one of my shirts sometime?

What, like in public?

Well, yes, obviously.

I WOULDN'T LET ONE OF MY SERVANTS USE THOSE PEASANT JIZZRAGS TO WIPE THE DUST FROM ANY OF MY TWELVE LAMBORGHINIS, MUCH LESS ASK MY WIFE TO WEAR IT ON HER FLAWLESS BODY.

That is not the reaction I was hoping for.

You'e got some nerve thinking that Giselle would ever use one of those godawful shirts for anything other than sopping up my excess spooge from the ceiling fan.

PLEASE? I've invested over eight million dollars into this stupid t-shirt project, and NO ONE'S BUYING ANY.

Oh all right. Since you're so pathetic and everything, I'll help you.

You'll get her to wear them?

Oh hell, no.

But I'll give you something even better.

Which is?

The power of my MIND.

Look, maybe if I just called your wife directly, she might be willing to...

Show me one of those shirts again.

No. You'll make fun of it.

SHOW ME.

Jesus, that is grotesque. It's like Ed Hardy just threw up on my iPhone.

Are you going to help me or not?

Show me another one.

I don't think you can legally sell a shirt that says "Champion" on it.

Why not? We won the Super Bowl.

Yes but by putting your name next to the word champion, you might give people the wrong impression that you somehow contributed to that victory.

I'm just trying to save you from a false advertising lawsuit.

I WAS THE MVP OF THE SUPER BOWL.

Eli Manning, brah.

Dammitt.

Look Flacco, if you want to sell those hideous snotcloths, you need to focus on marketing.

Come up with a tagline that really captures the spirit of the product.

And I'll just bet you have some suggestions, don't you?

THAT I DO. Here, try this one on for size:

"The Joe Flacco T-Shirt. Bland, Yet Overpriced."

No.

"The Joe Flacco T-Shirt. It's Plain, It's White, And It Has Absolutely No Flair."

I see what you're doing here.

Wait, I've got the perfect one:

"The Joe Flacco T-Shirt. By Itself, It's Worthless. But Compliment It With Flashy, More Exciting Accessories, And It Can Actually Appear Mildly Functional."

You are such a dick.

Yes, but I'm a SUPERDUPERDICK.

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3 Comments

  1. G-G-G-G-GIANTZZZ!!!!!!!!

    December 2, 2013 at 8:40 am

    well at least Eli Manning can stand the crushing pressure of a Superbowl and not melt down in the last seconds… TWICE!

  2. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Eli manning is my fucking hero. Die slowly prick

  3. Anonymous

    September 4, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    I love this even more, because it takes shots at both Flacco and Eli!

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