INTERCEPTED TEXT: Jerry Jones Discusses His Scandalous Photos

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Updated: August 6, 2014

ROGER GOODELL TEXT WITH JERRY JONES no phone 475

Verizon

5:29pm
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Roger Goodell

Seriously Jerry? SERIOUSLY?! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!

Quit busting my chops. He’s a free man, and we need the D-line help.

Huh?

Aren’t we talking about my statement that I intend to re-sign Josh Brent?

No, that’s not what I was referring to.

ALTHOUGH NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, DO YOU REALLY THINK RE-SIGNING A PLAYER WHOSE DRUNK DRIVING KILLED ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR PLAYERS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA?

Quit busting my chops. He’s a free man, and we need the D-line help.

Look, what I’m really mad about today are the photos of you that are all over the internet.

Photos of me? Doing what?

You’re posing with a couple of attractive young girls.

You'll have to narrow that down a bit for me.

You're grabbing their breasts and getting a pretend blowjob.

Hmmm. You’re still going to have to be more specific than that.

THESE! THESE PHOTOS:

Oh, THOSE girls. Heh heh. Yeah, I remember them lil’ darlings.

JERRY, YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE THEIR GRANDFATHER!

And I’m studly enough to be their baby-daddy. WHUT-WHUT!

For Christ’s sake Jerry, I don’t need this right now.

Like I don't have enough problems already with Ray Rice and Josh Gordon and Jim Irsay?

NOW I’VE GOT A 71 YEAR OLD OWNER ACTING LIKE A FRAT BOY WITH A COUPLE OF BOOZY SKANKS?

Look Roger, it’s not what you think, okay?

I was just interviewing them to become the Cowboys’ new media coordinators.

Nope. I don’t believe you.

I was offering them jobs in our stadium operations department?

I don’t believe that either.

I’m considering signing them as inside linebackers?

Okay, I’ve seen your team’s defense. THAT one, I’ll believe.

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13 Comments

  1. Jerry Jones

    August 9, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Our new ILB’s must show up to practice on next Wednesday for sacking playoff caliber quaterbacks drills. Since, we don’t have any playoff caliber qb’s I’m willing to fill in for the role.

  2. Guy who is confused about what PFM is

    August 8, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    So, the Cowboys will have 3 women at ILB??? #genderbarrierbroken

  3. Aaron Peterson (@MaverickMoPete)

    August 6, 2014 at 10:32 pm

    Damn, psycho. And I thought Sam Bradford was a sicko.

  4. psycho

    August 6, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    Best thing about fucking a dead body is you dont need consent so its technically not rape. I dont like rigor mortis though so i love to troll intensive care units or even hospices so i am guaranteed a nice warm body once death takes over. I usually prefer those with no family or friends so theres nobody there to stop me.

  5. Ben Roethlisberger

    August 6, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE ITS VERY EASY TO SCORE ON THE COWBOYS TERRIBLE DEFENSE YOU SEE!

  6. Girl who whispers "vagina"

    August 6, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    *whispers* vagina

  7. Anonymous

    August 6, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Jerry Jones likes getting young women as easy as scoring a TD on the Cowboys defense.

  8. Tony Romo

    August 6, 2014 at 10:31 am

    I think this calls for a celebration. I’m not the most hated man in Dallas anymore!

  9. Gene Jones

    August 6, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Jerry, we need to talk.

  10. Ben Roethlisberger

    August 6, 2014 at 9:50 am

    BECAUSE THE COWBOYS DEFENCE IS SO BAD, YOU SEE!

  11. Johnny Manziel

    August 6, 2014 at 9:24 am

    Hey! Who photo-shopped that old fuck’s head on my body?

  12. Guy Who Whispers "Penis"

    August 6, 2014 at 8:56 am

    *whispers* penis

  13. Yes, Yes I Am

    August 6, 2014 at 6:16 am

    I guess you could say Goodell has another women problem…

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