INTERCEPTED TEXT: Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall Clear The Air

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Updated: October 22, 2014

Chicago Bears Jay Cutler Brandon Marshall

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6:27pm
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BRANDON

Yo Jay.

Whaddya want?

I uh… just want to make sure we’re okay. You know, because of what I did in the locker room on Sunday.

Yeah, we’re cool. Whatever. Those things happen.

Good. It wasn’t directed at you.

Well shit, dude, it smelled like it was directed at the entire lower half of the stadium.

What?

We’re talking about that five alarm, rotten egg fart you ripped, right?

No. I’m talking about about … why did you think it was me who cut that fart?

I dunno. Who else could have done it? It certainly wasn’t me.

Look, what I’m talking about is…

Okay fine, it WAS me. I cut that big beefy ass blaster, and goddamn, did it felt gooood.

I DON’T CARE. I’m talking about my postgame rant after we lost to the Dolphins.

Rant?

When I screamed and yelled at the whole team for five minutes? Because I’m sick and tired of our lackadaisical attitude costing us games?

Is THAT what you were saying? Dude, I had my earbuds in, listening to Nickelback. I figured you were just bitching about the smell.

Okay, this is exactly the kind of thing that’s bothering me, Jay.

Sometimes I just worry that you’re not taking our games seriously enough.

Hello?

Jay? You still there?

HELLO?!?!

Hey man. Sorry, I had to split for a while. Spongebob was on.

Jay, I really don’t understand this.

It’s about a bucktoothed sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea, but he can still, like, set fires and take baths and shit. It’s trippy.

YOUR ATTITUDE IS WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

We’re 3-4 and two games back in our own division.

We’ve lost THREE games at home this season.

Doesn’t any of that bother you?

Doesn’t what bother me?

OUR LOSING RECORD.

Eh. I figure we’ll get better once the preseason is over.

THE PRESEASON IS OVER. We’re almost halfway through the regular season!

Are we? Sweet.

Just a few more weeks ‘til offseason vacation then. I’m thinking Cancun. I hear their beaches are nice in January.

THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. I just want to know that someone takes our record as seriously as I do!

Look B, I can promise you that no one takes the Bears more seriously than Me.

Well, good. That’s what I want to hear.

And I tell him, “Dude, chill out. Life’s too short to worry about crap like that.”

You tell that to who?

To Me. He’s my Vietnamese houseboy.

Dude spends eighteen hours a day cleaning out my ashtrays and picking up empty Coors cans around my pad. Best thirty cents an hour I’ve ever spent.

Jay…

Though lately he’s been kind of slack about getting the piss stains off the bathroom floor.

I think he’s starting to get a bad attitude about his work. I HATE people like that, y’know?

JAY!

WHAT?

WHY DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT OUR TEAM?

What makes you think I don’t care about our team?

EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU SAY.

Look B, when it comes to football, I know there are some people who will say things like, “Oh, it’s just a stupid game,” or, “I really don’t care who wins or loses.”

… AND?

And what?

And how do you respond to people who say those things?

I don’t know. Nod my head in agreement and bum a smoke, I guess.

GAHHH.

Jay, this losing of ours is KILLING me.

I’m a competitor, and I desperately want to be part of a great team. A team that fights hard and NEVER quits.

I dream of going into battle every Sunday with a team of warriors around me. Guys who know that I will ALWAYS have their back, and in turn they will always have mine.

Together we fight our guts out, play after play, week after week, showing the rest of the league what BEARS FOOTBALL is truly all about.

And then finally, when February comes and the smoke clears, we and we alone raise up that Lombardi Trophy.

And that’s when I look at my teammates with a tear in my eye and say, “We did it fellas. We are the World Champions. And we did it as a team.”

Wow. That was beautiful.

Thank you.

No, not you. I just ripped a massive trouser trumpet. AHHHHH.

Loud as shit and smells like a Taco Bell dumpster.

Man, you should see how fast this Starbucks just cleared out.

Goddammit. I wonder if Rex Grossman is interested in a comeback?

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4 Comments

  1. The Purdue Guy

    October 23, 2014 at 6:20 am

    This really does sound like how little Cutler cares

  2. Ben Roethlisberger

    October 22, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    BECAUSE JAY CUTLER IS AN ASSHOLE WHO LISTENS TO NICKELBACK, YOU SEE

    • Jay Cutler

      October 22, 2014 at 7:24 pm

      It’s true. *farts*

      • MOIST

        October 31, 2014 at 10:55 pm

        Was it a moist fart, otherwise known as a shart?

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