INTERCEPTED TEXT: DeSean Jackson Chats With Chip Kelly About The Eagles-Redskins Game

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Updated: September 17, 2014

Chip Kelly and DeSean Jackson no text 475

AT&T

1:31pm
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CHIP KELLY

Hey Coach Kelly. It’s DeSean Jackson.

Yes? What can I do for you?

First I just wanna say good luck this weekend. I treasured my time with you guys in Philly, and wish you all the best.

Well that’s big of you DeSean. Thank you for that.

Good luck to you too. I hope your shoulder sprain feels better and you can play on Sunday.

Thanks Coach. ‘Preciate that.

Oh, and second, I need you to send me a complete copy of the Eagles playbook, along with scans of your offensive and defensive game plans for this week.

Excuse me?

I said, I NEED YOU TO SEND ME A COMPLETE COPY OF…

No, no, I saw what you said. But why would I possibly send you our playbook and game plans?

Coach Gruden asked me to give him all the “inside info” I had on you guys from being an Eagle for six years.

I told him how Andy Reid’s sweat always smelled kind of like honey mustard sauce and that Michael Vick ran a secret hamster fighting ring in the cafeteria every Thursday, but I think he was looking for more Xs and Os type stuff.

DeSean, I’m not giving you our playbook.

Oh come on! Why not?

Because not only is it cheating, it’s cheating to help you beat me.

Please? I’d do it for you.

Okay. Do it.

Do what?

Send me your playbook and game plan.

Why would I do that?

Because you just asked me to send you our playbook, and that you would “do it for me”

Well obviously, I didn’t mean that literally. It’s just an expression.

You know, like when people say, “We should get lunch sometime,” or “I’m sorry your Mom died.” No one means that stuff for real.

That’s a pretty horrible thing to say to someone if you don’t mean it.

Okay, okay. Geez. I won’t ask people to lunch anymore.

What were we talking about again?

How you’re going to give me your playbook and game plans.

Now here’s the thing: I don’t really trust fax machines.

So instead I’ll just have my buddy “Hobo Joe” pick it up from you in an hour or so.

He probably won’t have ID or nuthin’, but when a dude shows up with no shoes and only one tooth, that’s the guy to give it to.

I’m not giving our highly classified playbook to a homeless man.

Wow. I wouldn’t have thought you were so prejudiced, Coach.

It’s not about prejudice. I don’t care if he’s black. The issue is more about…

Whoa, whoa. I didn’t say he was BLACK. I meant that you were being prejudiced against homeless people.

But it’s good to know you hate black people too. Sheesh.

That’s not what I meant…

And for your information, Hobo Joe is Venezuelan-Latvian on his mother’s side, and his Dad was from the northwestern part of Holland.

IT’S EXACTLY YOUR TYPE OF BIGOTRY THAT IS KEEPING VENEZUELAN-LATVIAN-DUTCH AMERICANS FROM GETTING AHEAD IN THIS COUNTRY.

I don’t care what nationality Hobo Joe is. I’m not giving him or anyone else our confidential playbook.

OKAY, FINE! Keep your stupid book.

But just for that, we're going to beat your ass twice this season, like we did last year.

That's not accurate. We swept the Redskins in both games last season.

WRONG, POTATO CHIP! I distinctly recall winning a couple of Eagles/Redskins games last year.

Yes, because you were ON the Eagles last season!

Oh wow. Yeah, you’re right, I was, wasn't I?

Okay then, as a former employee, I'd like to officially request a 2014 Philadelphia Eagles playbook be sent to my Washington Redskins address via hobo courier, please.

Absolutely not.

IT'S BECAUSE I'M BLACK, ISN'T IT?

Leave a Reply

4 Comments

  1. PFM Comments

    September 18, 2014 at 1:29 am

    You would think they would mention the whole gang thing somewhere in there. It does feel like PFM has slipped a little on the past couple of pieces.

    • AnonyMOOSE

      September 19, 2014 at 3:55 pm

      they sort of did I guess. Who else is Hobo Joe supposed to be?

  2. eaglesfan252218

    September 17, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    I feel like its more likely than not that DeSean has a Venezuelan-Latvian-Dutch homeless friend named Hobo Joe

  3. ifhss

    September 17, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    lol “WRONG, POTATO CHIP!”

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