INTERCEPTED TEXT: Dan Snyder Checks In With His Native American Pal

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Updated: August 28, 2014

DAN SNYDER JERRESON KEEL TEXT 3 for top of post

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3:56 pm
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Dan Snyder

Well?

Excuse me?

I SAID “WELL?!?!”

(Sigh) Well what, Mr. Snyder?

Well aren't you going to thank me?

FRIENDS ARE SUPPOSED TO SAY “THANK YOU” FOR FAVORS, CHIEF!

First of all, I’m not a “chief.” I’m the president of the National Congress of American Indians.

Second, after the two awful text conversations we've previously had, you and I are definitely not friends.

And third, what favor am I supposed to be thanking you for, exactly?

I’ve done a bunch of really nice things for you Injuns lately.

You mean like refusing to change your team’s offensive nickname?

No, no. BESIDES that.

Over the past few months I've given you ungrateful savages all kinds of gifts. Winter coats for your squaws. Basketball sneakers for your papooses.

Hell, I even gave a brand new backhoe to one of your filthy backward tribes in Omaha, Nebraska!

All these "gifts" you mentioned are blatant attempts to buy our support for your racist name.

Well I'm sorry you feel that way. Because now I have to ask you to return the backhoe.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MAKES ME, RIGHT?

Let me guess. An "Indian giver?"

No, a shrewd businessman.

WHO'S THE RACIST NOW, CHIEF BUSTS-MY-BALLS?

Still you.

Seriously though, you do need to return that backhoe to me, pronto Tonto. It’s due back by the end of the week.

“Due back?”

Well yeah. Obviously, it's a rental.

You donated a RENTED backhoe to the Omaha tribe?

Uh-huh. I only wanted them to have it long enough to clear out some of those unsightly burial grounds.

WHAT? WHY?

That’s where I’m gonna build the “Official Washington Redskins Museum And Memorial Center To Honor Dan Snyder For All The Magnificent Acts Of Kindness and Generosity He Constantly Shows Towards American Redskin Injuns.”

That’s just the working title.

YOU CAN’T STEAL THEIR SACRED LAND! ESPECIALLY NOT TO BUILD A FALSE MONUMENT TO YOUR SO-CALLED “GENEROSITY!”

OH, QUIT COMPLAINING. Sheesh. Your parents should have named you “Whines-Like-Bitch,” y’know that?

I’ll tell you what: I'll give you savages a 10% discount at the fro-yo kiosk.

This awful museum of yours will have a frozen yogurt shop?

Yeah. I’m calling it "Custard's Last Stand."

Of course you are.

Oh, by the way, can you help me out at the grand opening?

I need you to stand at the entrance and welcome guests while wearing moccasins, a feather headdress, war paint, and a whaling harpoon.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Wait, why a whaling harpoon?

Isn’t that what you Injuns use to catch Orcas and bring them back to your igloos?

You’re thinking of Eskimos.

Whatever. All you filthy savages look alike to me.

Anyway, don't forget when you return the backhoe, it needs to have a full tank of gas.

And you probably should cash in all your beads and trinkets first, because it costs over $5,000 to fill that bad boy up.

$5,000?! How can one backhoe possibly cost that much for gas?

You have to use premium. It's part of your signed rental contract.

BUT WE DIDN'T SIGN ANY CONTRACT!

I know. That’s why I had to forge your signature.

YOU CAN’T FALSIFY MY SIGNATURE ON A CONTRACT! THAT’S ILLEGAL!

Oh, don't act like you've never gotten the raw end of a deal with a white man before.

WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS.

QUIT COMPLAINING, CHIEF MOANS-A-LOT. THE SOONER YOU RETURN THAT BACKHOE, THE SOONER I CAN BUILD MY MUSEUM AND YOU CAN GET BACK TO CLUBBING SEALS AND WEARING PARKAS AND WHATNOT.

YOU’RE STILL THINKING OF ESKIMOS!

AND WE ARE NOT RETURNING THAT BACKHOE, AND YOU WILL NOT STEAL ANY MORE OF OUR LAND!

SO THIS IS HOW YOU THANK ME? AFTER ALL THE COATS AND SNEAKERS I BOUGHT YOU?

NO AMOUNT OF BOGUS “GIFTS” WILL CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A HORRIBLE, TROLL-LIKE CREATURE, AND YOUR TERRIBLE FOOTBALL TEAM IS NAMED WITH AN AWFUL RACIAL SLUR.

Geez. You people are never happy, you know that?

Not since about 1492, no.

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23 Comments

  1. Typical Raiders Fan

    September 4, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    3 rings is all I can say

  2. Anonymous

    September 3, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    Every year is the year to lead the new gift of life. it is understanding the condition that make the time we live,how we stand on a issue of importance to many,history does note the giver of new life,able to guide people closer during times when truth seeks a common ground, many generation have wave the waters of peace,few have found the important hard seconds of justice in learning the path was lace with unclear direction. HAVE A GOOD DAY,

  3. Some Guy

    September 3, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Is it just me or does the Native American dude look like an old Native American Snyder?

  4. Paul D

    August 30, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Custard’s Last Stand. I liked that.

  5. Andrew Luck

    August 30, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    How come my phone doesn’t have messages pictured that way?

  6. Drew Brees

    August 30, 2014 at 10:07 am

    and we hate you too Tony Romo

  7. Tony Romo

    August 30, 2014 at 10:06 am

    I HATE YOU GUYS!!!

  8. AnonyMOOSE

    August 30, 2014 at 10:05 am

    I meant the browns. and tony romo too, just for good measure

  9. a new troll in town

    August 30, 2014 at 7:25 am

    youre right. we should send the jigs back to their continent and glass it entirely. spare the animals because theyre the only intelligent life in africa

  10. AnonyMOOSE

    August 29, 2014 at 11:23 am

    @Newtrollintown
    They suck anyway, no one would miss them.

  11. Tony Romo

    August 29, 2014 at 11:21 am

    ^^^Tony Romo, is that you??? Wait… who switched our names???

  12. Blaine Gabbert

    August 29, 2014 at 10:29 am

    As a quarter back in the league, I think it goes beyond Washington. The way I’ve been treated, I find the NFL as a whole pretty offensive.

  13. a new troll in town

    August 29, 2014 at 7:57 am

    or they could call them the cleveland blacks and have the mascot be a black guy who robs the fans periodically throughtout the game. he can shoot a few as well and if a white guy stands up to him the mascot screams “racist” and the jigaboos of cleveland burn the city down.

  14. AnonyMOOSE

    August 28, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    Actually, if the Cleveland Indians want to be called the Indians, all they have to do is get rid of racist Chief Wahoo and replace it with a woman driving a car 20 miles per hour under the speed limit, talking on the cell phone, with her blinker on.

  15. Maverick MoPete

    August 28, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    So we have the Cleveland Indians, which is racist to Indians, we have the Cleveland Browns, which is racist to… someone. And we have the Cleveland Cavaliers, which is racist to everyone who’s ever ridden a horse… IS THERE A TEAM IN CLEVELAND THAT DOESN’T HAVE A POTENTIALLY RACIST NAME?

  16. Fact

    August 28, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    The term “Redskins” was actually created by Native Americans. Maybe instead of whining about this name, we should be whining about the even more racist Cleveland Indians name and their extremely racist mascot Chief Wahoo. Besides, it’s Cleveland. They suck at sports… soooo I guess being in Cleveland is bad enough punishment for a racist team name…

  17. Politically Correct Douchebags

    August 28, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    *chirp*

  18. Rush Limbaugh

    August 28, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    WWAAAAH!!!! THE ONLY REASON WHY PEOPLE WANT TO CHANGE THE NAME IS BECAUSE THEY ARE A BUNCH OF POLITICALLY CORRECT DOUCHEBAGS!!!!!!! WAAAHHHHH!!!

  19. Fact

    August 28, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    Okay. The Virginia Redskins. That’s where their training camp is.

  20. Purple Kool-Aid

    August 28, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Sorry Fact, Maryland’s already being represented by an NFL team!

  21. Girl who whispers "vagina"

    August 28, 2014 at 11:48 am

    *whispers* vagina

  22. Anonymous

    August 28, 2014 at 8:20 am

    At the latest by 2040, he’ll cave and rename them to the Washington T.A.R.Ds (Terrible Asian Road Drivers).

  23. Fact

    August 28, 2014 at 7:57 am

    I support changing the name. Call them the Maryland Redskins. It’s offensive to associated a proud tribe to a shithole city filled with corrupt and cowardly politicians.

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