INTERCEPTED TEXT: Colin Kaepernick Asks A Favor Of Drew Brees

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Updated: November 5, 2014

Colin Kaepernick Drew Brees text no text

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11:21 am
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KAEPERNICK

Yo Drew!

What do you want?

You ready for the big game this weekend?!

Yeah, of course.

Come on man. Get pumped! I said ARE YOU READY FOR THE BIG GAME THIS WEEKEND?!

HELL YES I’M READY! We're going to destroy that worthless Niners defense of yours.

Huh? The fuck you talking about?

The, uh, Saints-49ers game on Sunday? Duh.

Dude, I said the big game this weekend. DOLPHINS-LIONS. EPIC SHOWDOWN.

Why do you care about that game?

Why? WHY?

Bro, I was raised as a loyal Miami fan. DOLPHINS FOOTBALL FOR LIFE BABY, WHOOOOO!

And this is OUR YEAR, BOYEEE.

Our defense ranks third in the league, and we have a three game winning streak. WE ARE LOOKING GOOD FOR A PLAYOFF BERTH. GO DOLPHINS!!!!

Why do you keep saying “we?”

You realize that you don’t actually play for the Dolphins, right?

Aw you know man, that’s just what fans do.

You get invested in a team, and you start saying “we” because it almost makes you feel like you’re a part of the NFL.

But you ARE a part of the NFL. You play for the 49ers!

Yeah, but that’s just my day job, bro. I try not to take my work home with me.

Well, whatever. I have to go get ready for my ACTUAL game. Against your crappy team.

Yeah, that’s actually the other thing I need to talk to you about. I have a favor to ask for Sunday.

You guys have one of those big, giant TV’s hanging in your stadium, right? Like some huge board or something, that you put scores on?

A “scoreboard.” Yes?

I need you to ask the guy that runs it to just flip the channel to the ‘Phins-Lions game on Sunday.

You… you want out scoreboard operator to show flashes of the Miami-Detroit game?

“Flashes?” No bro, I need that dude to just show the whole game. Like, in it’s entirety.

Are you high? Of course we’re not going to show the entire Dolphins-Lions game on our jumbotron.

Okay fine, then he can switch to Bills-Chiefs during commercial breaks. Gotta keep up with our rivals too.

NO! We’re not doing any of that.

C’MON, PLEASE!

It’s KILLING me that I have to work this weekend and miss the Dolphins game. You have to help me out here.

Why don’t you just use that time to focus on OUR game?

Which game?

NEW ORLEANS VERSUS SAN FRANCISCO.

Oh that? Pffft. That game’s gonna be a snoozefest. Miami-Detroit are MUCH better teams.

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, Neither the Lions nor the Dolphins are better than my Saints.

Bro, the ‘Phins are 5-3 so far this year. Your shitty Saints are a mere 4-4.

SO ARE THE 49ers!

What’s your point?

Look, Miami is in 3rd place in the AFC East. My Saints are LEADING the NFC South.

Big deal. It’s easy to lead that division when your competition consists of Washington, Minnesota, and the Rams.

…?

The other teams in my division are Atlanta, Carolina, and Tampa Bay, you idiot.

Oh. Well, whatever. I don’t really follow the NFC.

Look, I am NOT asking our scoreboard guy to show any game on Sunday except for the one in which my team dominates your… um… employers.

BOOOORRRRING. Why would anyone want to watch the Saints and San Fran?

The Niners are, like, in 3rd or 4th place in their division. I can’t even remember if they won last week or not.

They lost. Mainly because YOU fumbled away the game winning TD at the goal line.

Did I? Huh. I was probably preoccupied thinking about the remainder of Miami’s schedule. IT’S A CAKEWALK TO THE PLAYOFFS.

Well, I have a feeling you’ll have lots of time during the postseason to sit at home and watch them.

Here’s hoping (fingers crossed).

Leave a Reply

12 Comments

  1. Ben_Roethlisberger

    November 17, 2014 at 10:01 am

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE COLIN KAEPERNICK IS A DOLPHINS FAN BUT PLAYS FOR THE 49ERS

  2. PjNob1e

    November 6, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    This was hilarious. Don’t listen to that one guy who decided to name himself “Dead Horse” and comment twice in a 4 minute span. I died laughing at the beginning.

  3. Jim in NYC

    November 6, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    I’ll cast another vote in the “still funny” column.

  4. Asshole

    November 6, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Ha! Wow, look at Tannehill!

  5. RED

    November 6, 2014 at 5:40 am

    I thought it was funny.

  6. PFM Comments

    November 6, 2014 at 1:05 am

    Why wouldn’t Brees run the Fins game if it got Kaepernick to focus on watching that instead of playing football?

  7. Guy Who Whispers "Penis"

    November 5, 2014 at 11:19 pm

    *whispers* penis

  8. eaglesfan252218

    November 5, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    It may be old, but the Kaepernick-Dolphins jokes are still hilarious. Keep doing what you do, PFM.

  9. PFM Reader

    November 5, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    PS, if you actually do research, you’ll find out that Kaepernick was a Packers fan as a kid, and said in 4th grade that he wanted to play for the Packers or 49ers.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/18/colin-kaepernick-4th-grade-letter-49ers_n_2317134.html

    http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/shutdown-corner/check-wisconsin-native-colin-kaepernick-wearing-packers-jersey-184431364–nfl.html

    • PjNob1e

      November 6, 2014 at 2:57 pm

      Get out of here. You’re not needed.

  10. PFM Reader

    November 5, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    PFM, give it a rest. The whole “Kaepernick being a Dolphins fan” crap was never funny and now it’s just proof that you like to beat jokes to death. Most of the personalities on here are funny but this one just isn’t.

  11. Dead Horse

    November 5, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    OW OW OW STOP IT ALREADY!!

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