INTERCEPTED TEXT: Carson Palmer’s Knee Surgery Did Not Go As Planned

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Updated: November 19, 2014

ARIZONA CARDINALS QB CARSON PALMER RED TUNNEL

Sprint

12:41pm
60%

CARSON PALMER

DOCTOR CURANDERO?!?!?!

Hello. Carson. How are you? Recovering nicely from your surgery, I hope?

RECOVERING NICELY?!?! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU DID TO ME?!?!?!

I performed the routine surgical procedure that was requested. Are you not satisfied with your results?

YOU GAVE ME A SEX CHANGE!!!!

We prefer to call it a “gender reassignment.”

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU CALL IT. WHY DID YOU SLICE MY PENIS OFF?

Because yanking it off with pliers is far too messy. Trust me, I'm not making THAT mistake again.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO OPERATE ON MY KNEE! I HAVE A TORN ACL THAT NEEDS REPAIRING.

What? That doesn't sound right. Let me check my notes.

Well what do you know? You were supposed to get an ACL surgery. Looks like I mixed you up with another patient.

Wow, I’ll bet, there's a transgendered man in Flagstaff who's VERY confused as to why his knee feels so sore right now.

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY LIFE LIKE THIS!

Miss Palmer, I can tell you're becoming quite upset.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M UPSET.

It's okay. You gals are often prone to emotional outbursts.

In medical terms, you are what we call, "on the rag," at the moment.

I prescribe two Midol tablets and a couple of pints of Häagen-Dazs Rocky Road, and you should feel like a new woman in 3-5 days.

WHAT KIND OF A HACK ARE YOU? I CAN’T BE A WOMAN!

Frankly Miss Palmer, I'm shocked to hear you say that. I didn't take you for such a misogynist.

Your sexist attitude is not only politically incorrect, it dishonors the dead as well.

I AM NOT SEXIST. I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE A WOMA… wait, what do you mean “dishonors the dead?”

I’m referring to the poor, deceased donor whose transplanted vagina you now host in your ungrateful loins.

YOU GAVE ME A DEAD WOMAN’S VAGINA?

Don’t feel too bad. The woman was 93 years old. She got many years of faithful service from that cervix.

Heh heh. See what I did there?

THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. ALL I WANTED WAS A ROUTINE KNEE SURGERY!

For what it's worth Miss Palmer, you actually received quite a bargain.

Gender reassignment surgery costs nearly $250,000.00 more than a simple ACL repair.

So my office will be sending you an invoice for the difference in price next week. I'd prefer cash, if it's at all possible.

THE HELL? I’M NOT PAYING YOU FOR THIS.

Oh come now. As a highly paid, professional athlete I'm sure you can afford it.

Although don't be surprised if your employer suddenly decreases your salary to 77% of what it was when you were a male.

Now then Miss Palmer, I need to give you...

STOP CALLING ME "MISS" PALMER!

My sincere apologies. MS. Palmer it is, then.

Anyway Ms. Palmer, I need to give you some discharge instructions for your new feminine ladybits.

First of all, your new breasts will be very sensitive for a while.

SENSITIVE? THEY HURT LIKE HELL.

Yes, well, 40DD’s will do that.

Also, for hygienic and aesthetic reasons, you should keep yourself neatly trimmed and groomed.

Personally, I recommend the “landing strip” pubic look, but of course the specific design is entirely up to you.

And lastly, you definitely should avoid riding in an elevator with Ray Rice at all costs from this point forward.

I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS FURIOUS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Ms. Palmer, please. Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

ARGGGGGGHHHH.

I think you’re overlooking some of the important benefits you new life as a woman will afford you.

SUCH AS?

You’ll never forget to put the toilet seat down anymore.

Batting your eyes and playfully flirting with referees may get your team out of costly penalties in the future

Plus I think you'll find that many men will now be willing to buy you free drinks and dinners. Alhough they may expect a little somethin'-somethin'" in return, if you know what I mean.
    

I'M HAPPILY MARRIED TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!

Oh, not anymore. Same-sex marriage is strictly prohibited in Arizona.

Just be glad I didn't make you a Mexican woman, or you'd REALLY be in trouble.

YOU'RE THE MOST INEPT DOCTOR ON THE PLANET!

Look, if it's any consolation, I did also replace the ACL in your knee while you were unconscious.

Oh. Well okay, good.

But on the wrong knee, unfortunately.

FUUUUUUCK.

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6 Comments

  1. PFM Comments

    November 19, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    Is that last instance of Mr. Palmer supposed to be there or not? Kind of confusing.

  2. eaglesfan252218

    November 19, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    Why Palmer? Would’ve been funnier with, like, Jay Cutler.

  3. Ben Roethlisberger

    November 19, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE CARSON PALMER IS A PUSSY.

  4. ifhss

    November 19, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    I just want to know why you guys picked the name “Curandero”.

  5. John Smith

    November 19, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Was anyone else expecting Wilson to be the doctor?

    • DangerRuss

      November 20, 2014 at 10:12 am

      I was half expecting to find out that Bradford had snuck in and changed the procedure. Sounds like something that would have come from his sick and perverted mind.

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