INTERCEPTED TEXT: Bill Belichick Welcomes Darrelle Revis To The New England Patriots

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Updated: March 13, 2014

BILL BELICHICK AND DARRELLE REVIS no text 475

Sprint

10:40am
87%

BILL BELICHICK

We just signed you as a free agent.

I know coach Belichick. I'm very excited to come play for you in New Eng...

We need you to bring a copy of your playbook

My what?

Your Jets playbook. Bring it with you. It might come in handy at some point.

I didn't play for the Jets last year Coach. I was with the Buccaneers.

That is not acceptable.

I suppose I could try to remember as many of the Jets offensive plays as I can.

Let’s see, there was that one that always ended up in an interception. Plus that other one that usually ended up in an interception. Also, there was the one that frequently resulted in a butt-fumble.

We have all those on file already.

Oh, and the ones for punting. We had, like 30 pages of plays dedicated to punting.

Fine bring the playbook and we’ll analyze them.

I don’t have the Jets playbook anymore, Coach.

We also need to teach you about the “Patriot Way.”

Oh, I've heard about that. It's the code of conduct you request all New England players adhere to, right?

If by “request,” you mean “demand at the penalty of your very life,” then yes.

Rule #1:No smiling or laughing of any kind. It weakens legs.

I'm not sure that's medically accurate.

Rule #2: any mention of the words “New York Giants,” “Eli Manning,” or “helmet catch” is punishable by castration.

That has to be a violation of some union code.

We review game film every Tuesday at 9am sharp.

Okay, that sounds fine.

We have a full practice with pads every Wednesday afternoon

I’ll be there.

Fridays at midnight are when we sacrifice kidnapped orphans to our dark Lord Satan.

We do what now?

THERE WILL BE NO QUESTIONING OF THE PATRIOT WAY

As the new guy, you will be responsible for the orphan kidnapping. You’ll need to buy chloroform and duct tape in bulk at Costco.

Coach, my skillset is really more in press coverage, that sort of thing.

The Patriot Way requires you to fill multiple positions.

Cornerback and child abduction?

Along with some occasional puppy stomping.

I’d really rather not…

Furthermore, under the Patriot way, there is absolutely NO talking to the media. Only **I** may talk to the media.

Any player caught talking to a reporter faces swift, painful punishment.

That's why Randy Moss, Rodney Harrison, and Tedy Bruschi are all scheduled for disembowelment. Those guys talk to the media almost every single week.

Coach, those guys retired and went into broadcasting. They are the media now.

ONE DOES NOT RETIRE FROM THE PATRIOT WAY

You ever heard of Billy Wells?

Who?

Former halfback. Played one season for the Boston Patriots back in 1960.

What about him?

He talked to the media once, in June of 1998.

Wasn’t he, like, 70 years old by that time?

Yep. He gave an interview to his granddaughter’s 8th grade school newspaper.

Less than three years later he was DEAD.

I just checked his obituary. It says he died of natural causes. Heart attack or something.

EXACTLY. That's because his circulatory system answers to me.

Okay. I will definitely refrain from talking to the media. Now if there’s nothing else…

Are you married?

No.

Good. Love or any other sort of affection are also banned under the Patriot Way.

How can you possibly outlaw love?

BECAUSE AS A NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS PLAYER YOU SHOULD ONLY CARE ABOUT EVIL.

“Evil?”

Sorry, “winning.” Whatever. Same thing.

I do want to win, Coach. But some of these rules seem a little…

Also, the Patriot Way secretly bans all teammates from high-fiving Tom Brady. It keeps him hungry, albeit slightly confused.

That explains so much.

Do you know anyone with information about the Broncos sidelines signals?

No, not really.

You’ll need to find someone who does. We need a way to intercept those signals before we play Denver again in the playoffs.

Isn’t stealing the opposing team’s signals illegal? I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere once.

On the Venn diagram of “Things I give a crap about,” the circles for “Legality” and “The Patriot Way” do not intersect.

You have 24 hours to find me someone who knows how to steal the Broncos’ signals.

Coach, I really don’t think that’s a good idea…

I WILL NOT MISS ANY DETAILS! NO STONE CAN BE UNTURNED FOR ANY POSSIBLE GAMEPLAY EDGE.

For example: This one time, I heard that there might, just MIGHT, be a guy in a local Boston jail cell somewhere who snuck a look at the Broncos audible sheet once.

So I arranged to have a top secret Patriots operative go deep undercover into the Massachusetts prison system to try to find him and get me that information.

Coach Belichick, are you telling me that you had Aaron Hernandez framed for a double murder to go to prison just because you heard there might possibly be a guy somewhere in a Massachusetts jail cell who got a look at a Denver Broncos playbook once?

"Framed?"

No, I actually had him commit the murders. His story checked out better that way.

Do I have a void option on my contract by any chance?

No. We own your playing rights for the next two seasons and your mortal soul for all eternity.

I should’ve asked for a bigger signing bonus.

Be here tomorrow morning. And don't forget your Jets playbook.

Coach Belichick, I’ve told you, I don't have a Jets playbook anymore.

Do you remember where the Jets headquarters are located?

Florham Park, New Jersey. Why?

Do you remember what time they close for the evening?

Like at 7, 7:30-ish.

Do you have a ski mask and some bolt cutters?

I’m not sure I like where this is going.

Leave a Reply

85 Comments

  1. Peyton Manning

    May 17, 2014 at 11:12 pm

    I’m a fat cocksucker.

  2. 49ers Fans

    May 5, 2014 at 11:29 pm

    WILSON, WE WILL…

  3. Seahawks Fans

    April 6, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    Haha, a Whiner has gone to the 40’whiners! Perfect fit!

  4. Anonymous

    March 26, 2014 at 11:34 pm

    Richard Incognitio your name means “secret dick”. How is the name Anonymous different you fat worthless pile of pig shit who won’t get picked up by anyone and be forced to retire a disgrace?

  5. Anonymous

    March 26, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    Ha! That’s the best thing you can think of pussy, I’ve heard better responses from my ducking 6 year old brother

  6. Richie Incognito

    March 25, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    Says the one who goes by Anonymous.

  7. Anonymous

    March 25, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    Shit up Richie you fat worthless fucking felch eating cunt. Go back to jerking off to brave heart and your mom pussy

  8. Richie Incognito

    March 24, 2014 at 8:59 am

    Shut up Martin you little pussy.

  9. Sad little man

    March 24, 2014 at 7:18 am

    Guys really! Stop pretending to be QBs I don’t like it boo hoo hoo waaaah

  10. Vladimir Putin

    March 23, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    *invades Baltimore and takes the ring that Brees donated to Flacco*

  11. Drew Brees

    March 21, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Flacco your welcome for the Superbowl ring

  12. Joe Flacco

    March 19, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    Wilson I WILL SEND AARON RIDGERS TO FORCE YOU TO HAVE ANAL WITH MICHEAL SAM TOM BRADY AND AARON RODGERS. I AM ELITE YOU LITTLE FUCKER. I WON A SUPER BOWL AND THE MVP.

  13. Russell Wilson

    March 19, 2014 at 9:45 am

    *not

  14. Russell Wilson

    March 19, 2014 at 9:44 am

    But now how you think you’re elite.

  15. Joe Flacco

    March 18, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    That…..explains a lot actually

  16. Drew Brees

    March 18, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    Wait tom brady is gay

  17. Josh McCown

    March 18, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    So Tom Brady is part of the LGBT army… Hash tag can’t say I’m surprised

  18. Tom Brady

    March 18, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Sup?

  19. Andrew Luck

    March 18, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Wilson I will send aAaron and his LGBT army to come and fucking strangle you

  20. Russell Wilson

    March 18, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Hey Luck, STFU, lol

  21. Andrew Luck

    March 17, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    Mr. Irsay, it’s been a pleasure playing for you, and I am thankful for the opportunities you have given me with the wonderful Colts organization, but I really think you need to cut back on your drinking, sir. I am saying this for your sake, and the sake of the Colts organization, sir.

  22. Carson Palmer

    March 17, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    And we all know you hate TTs

  23. Aaron Rodgers

    March 17, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    Great! lost another receiver to the shitty Raiders this time! But this is weird! Did somebody threaten T.T. he signed Peppers!! Like Holy shit!

  24. Jim Irsay

    March 17, 2014 at 11:52 am

    Heeeey, Bob! Androo luck r moar cluch thann fivehed, hic. Androo luk will r leed us too manee sooper Boalz!

  25. Bob

    March 17, 2014 at 11:16 am

    Probably trying to drown his sorrows for releasing PFM for some cave man lol. Oh well Irsay some things will never change you got another qb, but your team will still choke in the playoffs every year!

  26. Philip Rivers

    March 17, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Jim Irsay? Colts owner who was arrested for driving drunk and having drugs in his car?

  27. Jim Irsay

    March 17, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Heeeeyyyyy guyyyz, I just got owtta jale, hic, who wanta party, (vomits on floor)

  28. 3rd String Qb Somewhere In The NFL

    March 17, 2014 at 10:20 am

    And Sam Bradford has said and done some really fucked up shit in his life.

  29. Andrew Luck

    March 17, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Belichick, while I have the upmost regard for the franchise you have led to three championships. I must say that your demands of playing for the Patriots are of the upmost disgrace. More so than anything that Sam Bradford has said.

  30. Anonymous

    March 17, 2014 at 9:20 am

    I hate the Pats hope Brady and Belicheat never win another Championship.

  31. Tony Romo

    March 17, 2014 at 9:15 am

    Dammit McCown! This isn’t twitter!

  32. Josh McCown

    March 17, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Not as old as Favre though, and he’s awesome! Hash tag in yo blemished face!

  33. Drew Brees

    March 17, 2014 at 2:35 am

    Seriously McCown? The twitter gag was bad when Stafford did it, now it’s as old as Brandon Weeden

  34. Josh McCown

    March 16, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    lol I know right? Hash tag speak for yourself Sam!

  35. Carson Palmer

    March 16, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    Wait what the hell bradfords yelling at someone for class

  36. Sam Bradford

    March 16, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Geeze Rogers! Have a little class!

  37. Aaron Rodgers

    March 16, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    Tate I will strangle you with my “10 foot garden hose” and force you to suck it untill it make your mouth sore form swallowing if you know what I mean

  38. Golden Tate

    March 16, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Or 2 more to fail

  39. Alex Smith

    March 16, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    Look on the bright side, Aaron. Now you’re guaranteed two chances to avenge yourself every season.

  40. Anonymous

    March 16, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    DWargs you are a terrible person and you ruin the comment section. Feel bad.

  41. Anonymous

    March 16, 2014 at 9:38 am

    That’s cute Broncos and Patriots are trying “buy” a defense. Seahawks, 49ers, and Cardinals built their defenses in the draft and over time these guys are trying to do it in 1 season lol. Nothing can go wrong with that right? Dream team 2.0 and 3.0 for the Broncos and Patriots.

  42. NFC West Is The Best Division

    March 16, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Well looks like another Broncos and Patriots AFC Championship game is going to happen next year. But regardless who wins they will lose to who ever wins the NFC West.

  43. Russell Wilson

    March 16, 2014 at 7:51 am

    I just feel like making one more comment to spoil the perfect ending.

  44. DWargs

    March 15, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    As the guy who made those last comments:

    *takes bow*

  45. Josh McCown

    March 15, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    Hash tag I agree.

  46. Anonymous

    March 15, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    Shh, don’t post anymore comments, that was a perfect ending.

  47. Aaron Rodgers

    March 15, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    GODDAMMIT

  48. Phillip Rivers

    March 15, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    Golden Tate? The WR who was rewarded a touchdown by replacement referees on the infamous Fail Mary play, thus giving Seattle the Victory?

  49. Golden Tate

    March 15, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    Hey, guys! I’m so excited to be in the NFC North as a member of the Detroit Lions.

  50. Aaron Rodgers

    March 15, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Real mature, kid. Anyways, as you can clearly see, I’m as cool as a cucumber. Heck, I don’t even remember why I was mad at you in the first place.

  51. Russell Wilson

    March 15, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    Sounds kinda gay.

  52. Aaron Rodgers

    March 15, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    Not gonna get to me this time, Wilson. I got a ring WAY before you ever did. Besides, I’ve learned self-discipline through many sessions of yoga and meditation.

  53. Russell Wilson

    March 15, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    But I do

  54. Aaron Rodgers

    March 15, 2014 at 9:55 am

    Hey Carson, how about you tell us about your superbowl ring, your MVP award? oh wait, you don’t have any!

  55. Drew Brees

    March 14, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    Puke bradford really

  56. jr325

    March 14, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    haha – having Hernandez commit double murders because there might be an inmate who saw the broncos playbook that was awesome.

  57. Sam Bradford

    March 14, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Can I film Aaron Rodgers eating Michael Sam’s dick while I jerk off with needle nose pliers to the sound of traditional circus music?

  58. Michael Sam

    March 14, 2014 at 11:47 am

    Can it be mine

  59. Carson Palmer

    March 14, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Aaron eat a dick

  60. Pingback: OT: Things we find freaking neat but no place to post - Page 482 - SportsHoopla.com Sports Forums

  61. Aaron Rodgers

    March 14, 2014 at 5:56 am

    If we could stop from caring about Pats vs. Broncos here, yeah that would be great! how about the fact that the Packers still won’t sign a free agent!!

  62. Eli Manning

    March 14, 2014 at 4:03 am

    Hey your right an ultimate qb should go unbeaten but wait

  63. Pingback: Fucking lol - SportsHoopla.com Sports Forums

  64. Tom Brady

    March 13, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    Eli, I’d destroy you on the field, but you’re too busy doing it yourself. So instead, I’ll be over here recovering my wrist from the tremendous strain of carrying around the equivalent of every championship ring your family has, or will, ever receive. It’s also exactly 3 rings more than you fuckbags deserved to win.

  65. Pingback: Julian Edelman to visit tommorow. Also interested in Nicks - Page 4 - SportsHoopla.com Sports Forums

  66. Eli Manning

    March 13, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    Hey tom that means you play me more often more chances for a helmet catch or a reciever to drop your pass or you to brady

  67. Kenneth Smith-Brady

    March 13, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    Holy crap, PFMs comment was HILARIOUS! Way to stay in touch guys

  68. Colin Kaepernick

    March 13, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    Slits wrists

  69. Every Seattle Fan

    March 13, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    Drinks heavily

  70. Every 49er fan.

    March 13, 2014 at 5:30 pm

    Ejaculates

  71. Tom Brady

    March 13, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    That was you Bill? Fuck you guys! You’ve stolen my money and denied me high fives! That’s it, I’m taking Krapperdicks job in San Fran!

  72. Comedy Police

    March 13, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    Jesus, this is knuckle-dragging unfunny.

  73. Darrelle Revis

    March 13, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    Ok I QUIT. Get your own Justin Bieber album, you old cheater! Who by the way was arrested for drag racing on his col-de-sac while drunk.

  74. Darth Anonymous

    March 13, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    *facepalm*

  75. Bill Belichick

    March 13, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    Oh Oh Oh Darrelle! I almost forgot. While you’re sneaking into the Jets HQ, make sure you buy me the latest Justin Bieber album. I <3 him!!!

  76. Darth Anonymous

    March 13, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    Bill, I see you’re back to the basics. Anything to make you’re upcoming 10th consecutive season without a Super Bowl win more enjoyable.

  77. James

    March 13, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    Did Darrelle Revis just get promoted to James Bond?

  78. True Pats Fan

    March 13, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    This is hilarious! I’m a Pats fan so don’t worry about us being offended. We like making fun of Bellichick as much, or at least I don’t mind.

  79. Everyone

    March 13, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Now

  80. NFLQBFB lover

    March 13, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Ok so wheres the Free agency edition of Qbs on Facebook?

  81. IFHSS

    March 13, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    I wish bill would’ve told him to take out these “Ben Roethlisberger” characters trying to be funny.

  82. PFM Staff

    March 13, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    IF BILL BELICHICK DEMANDS THAT DARRELLE REVIS USE SUNLIGHT TO CONVERT CARBON DIOXIDE AND WATER INTO CONSUMABLE PLANT-BASED FOODSTUFF VIA THE PROCESS OF PHOTOSYNTHESIS, THEN BY GOD HE WILL DO IT.

  83. Anonymous

    March 13, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Its Chloroform not Chlorophyll, Chlorophyll is the stuff that makes plants green

  84. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 13, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE THE PATRIOTS ARE CHEATERS YOU SEE

  85. Chiefs Fan in Ohio

    March 13, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Think you meant chloroform, not chlorophyll. The former knocks people out, the latter helps to convert light into simple sugars. =D

    Still, nice work, team.

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