INTERCEPTED TEXT: Ben Roethlisberger Has Some Ideas For The Draft

By
Updated: May 7, 2014

BILL COWHER AND BEN ROETHLISBERGER no text 475

Sprint

11:08am
91%

COACH COWHER

HI COACH COWHER I’M BEN ROTHLESSBURGER.

Hey there Ben. How’ve you been?

HOW’VE I BEEN WHAT?

Doing?

DOING WHAT?

Nothing Ben. What’s on your mind?

COACH COWHER I WANT TO DISCUSS STRATEGY WITH YOU THAT I JUST THOUGHT UP INSIDE MY HEAD.

Ben… you know I’m not the coach of the Steelers anymore, right? I retired seven years ago.

I LIKE GIVING PICKS.

Picks? Like interceptions?

NO I HAVE IDEAS ON WHO WE SHOULD PICK IN THE NIGHT WHERE WE PICK ALL OUR PICKS.

You’re talking about the NFL Draft?

YES FOR WHEN WE MAKE THE PICKS I HAVE PICK IDEAS FOR WHO WE SHOULD PICK.

Ben, when you say “we” you understand that I’m not your coach anymore, right? As I said, I retired seven years ago.

WE SHOULD GET THE SEAL MAN.

I have no idea what that means.

HIS NAME IS JOHNNY SEAL MAN. EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT HIM A LOT. WE SHOULD DRAFT HIM.

Do you mean Johnny Manziel?

YES JOHNNY MAN SEAL. HE WON THE HIGHEST MAN TROPHY. PLUS HE CAN HOLD HIS BREATH UNDERWATER FOR A LONG TIME AND DIVE TO DEPTHS OF OVER 1,300 FEET

Johnny Manziel is not a seal Ben. He’s a quarterback.

ALSO HE CAN EAT LOTS AND LOTS OF SQUID AND CLAMS BUT HE PREFERS A MOSTLY FISH BASED DIET.

Ben, Johnny Manziel is a quarterback, so if your team drafted him that would mean you would be out of a…

DO YOU KNOW WHY JOHNNY MAN SEAL PREFERS A MOSTLY FISH BASED DIET, COACH COWHER?

Sigh. No, I don’t Ben.

JUST FOR THE HALIBUT.

Okay, look Ben…

HA HA “FOR THE HALIBUT” THAT’S A JOKE COACH COWHER - - R.O.L.L.!

Yes I get it Ben.

IT’S FUNNY YOU SEE BECAUSE “HALIBUT” SOUNDS LIKE “HAIRY BUTT.” - - R.O.L.L.!

That’s actually not what it’s supposed to sound like, but I’m more curious as to what “R.O.L.L.” stands for?

“ROLLING OUT LOUD LAUGHING.” DON’T YOU KNOW INTERWEB LANGAUGE COACH COWHER?

I’m not your coach anymore Ben. I retired seven years ago. You have to stop associating me with your team.

THERE’S NO “ME” IN TEAM COACH

Well, there is, kind of.

I HAVE MORE PICK IDEAS COACH COWHER

Then you should definitely present them to someone who works for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

I WANT US TO DRAFT SOME BIG BEEF. WE NEED A LOT OF MEAT IN THE MIDDLE.

Okay, I see what’s coming here. You’re talking about a sandwich, right?

WHAT? COACH COWHER WHY WOULD WE DRAFT A SANDWICH? A SANDWICH CAN’T PLAY FOOTBALL BECAUSE IT IS A SANDWICH. THAT’S JUST FOOTBALL 101, COACH COWHER

NO, I’M TALKING ABOUT A POWERFUL DEFENSIVE LINEMAN. WE SHOULD PICK ONE OF THOSE.

Oh. Well okay, that actually makes some sense.

WE WERE 20th IN OVERALL DEFENSE LAST YEAR, AND ONLY MANAGED 34 SACKS, WHICH WAS SIXTH WORST IN THE LEAGUE. CLEARLY, WE NEED TO ADD A BIG BODY TO OUR D-LINE THAT CAN WRECK HAVOC IN OPPOSING BACKFIELDS.

That’s actually some very astute analysis, Ben.

HOW ABOUT WRECK-IT-RALPH?

Beg your pardon?

THIS IS WRECK-IT-RALPH. HE HAS A BIG BODY AND HUGE FISTS. WE SHOULD DRAFT HIM.

Wreck-It-Ralph is a cartoon, Ben.

EXACTLY. SO HE LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER.

Riiiight. Well this certainly has been fun Ben, but…

ALSO WE SHOULD PICK OMAR EPPS.

The actor?

OMAR EPPS IS NEVER IN MOVIES ANYMORE BECAUSE HE JUST HANGS AROUND AT ALL OUR PRACTICES. I THINK HE WANTS TO JOIN OUR TEAM.

Ben, that’s not Omar Epps. That’s Mike Tomlin. He actually IS your head coach. Has been for nearly a decade now.

And granted, he looks a little bit like Omar Epps, but…

SO WITH OMAR EPPS, WRECK-IT-RALPH AND JOHNNY SEAL MAN WE WOULD WIN ALLTHE SUPER BOWLS NEXT YEAR COACH COWHER.

Ben, of the many things wrong with that plan, the most glaring is this:

If the Steelers drafted Johnny Manziel, then you would be out of a job.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING BEN ROTHLESSBURGER'S JOB AWAY?

I’m not Ben. I don’t even work for your team. I’m just saying that if you drafted Johnny Manziel…

BEN ROTHLESSBURGER TRIES TO BE A GOOD FOOTBALL GUY. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GET RID OF BEN ROTHLESSBURGER?

Ben, I’m not your coach. I’m not trying to get rid of you from anywhere but my phone’s contacts list, I promise you.

Also, your name is spelled “Roethlisberger.” Somehow, you keep managing to make three different typos in your own name.

OH DARN I ALWAYS FORGET HOW TO SPELL THAT.

ONCE I TRIED TURNING AROUND TO READ IT OFF THE BACK OF MY JERSEY AND ENDED UP SPINNING IN A CIRCLE FOR AN HOUR AND NINETY MINUTES.

So, two and a half hours?

TWO AND A HALF OF OUR’S WHAT?

Nothing Ben.

BYE COACH COWHER. THANKS FOR PICKING ALL MY PICKS FROM MY PICK IDEAS FOR OUR TEAM.

I’m not on your team Ben. I’m a member of the sports media now.

THERE’S NO “ME” IN MEDIA COACH.

Yes there is

THERE’S NO “I” IN MEDIA COACH.

Yep, that’s in there too.

THERE’S NO BEN ROTHLESSBURGER IN THE MEDIA COACH.

And God willing, there never will be, Ben.

R.O.L.L.!

Leave a Reply

43 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    May 27, 2014 at 1:29 am

    ^lol PENIS

  2. Anonymous

    May 24, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    Boooooooooobbbbbiiiiieeeeeeeee

  3. Doug

    May 11, 2014 at 10:58 am

    hahahaha. Omar Epps

  4. Tony Romo

    May 10, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    Ha gay

  5. Aaron Rodgers

    May 10, 2014 at 12:54 am

    ^^True that^^

  6. Anonymous

    May 9, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    #FlaccoIsNotElite #Its@MatthewStaffordTalkingRightNow

  7. Anonymous

    May 9, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    Rothlisbeger* damn you auto corrections!!!! FUCK!!!

  8. Anonymous

    May 9, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    GOD To tho is berger when will you learn that its JOHNNY MANZEIL!!! also he we picked by the browns

  9. Ben Roethlisberger

    May 9, 2014 at 10:23 am

    COACH I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD OF GOTTEN JOHNNY MAN SEAL. NOW WE HAVE TO PLAY AGAINST HIM NOW THAT HE IS A BROWN.

  10. Tony Romo

    May 9, 2014 at 3:58 am

    REALLY Finally someone who believes in me i love you chrth but not in q gay way i am happilied married to a wome

  11. Chrth

    May 8, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    I think Tony Romo is an excellent quarterback who never chokes in December!

  12. God

    May 8, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    Go fuck yourself Teblow

  13. Marshawn Lynch

    May 8, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

    I HAVE NOTHING TO ADD TO THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE BEN RAPISTBERGER IS A FAG, AND IS REALLY THE MOTHER OF BRO RICHARD SHERMAN’S BABY.

  14. Anonymous

    May 8, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    ^There is no god only Zuul and it doesn’t want you play in the NFL.

  15. Tim Tebow

    May 8, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    They should draft me .. God wants me to play in NFL again !

  16. Chrth

    May 8, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    “If you don’t enjoy the comments, don’t read them”

    I’m just here to shame the morons in the hope they’ll gain intelligence, realize they’re morons and stop so we can have a proper comments section. I’m doing Yoda’s Work.

  17. Anonymous

    May 8, 2014 at 11:09 am

    And has won a superbowl

  18. Ryan Tannehill

    May 8, 2014 at 8:54 am

    Yeah, and Joe Flacco is elite

  19. Aaron Rodgers

    May 8, 2014 at 8:53 am

    I’M NOT GAY

  20. Tom Brady

    May 8, 2014 at 8:48 am

    Wow all the haters here are as useless as heterosexual porn to Aaron Rodgers

  21. Anonymous

    May 8, 2014 at 7:58 am

    So funny how people post about how bad the comments are… If you don’t enjoy the comments, don’t read them. Nobody is forcing you to read them. I mean both above were the 20th and 21st comments on hte board. Why did you both read the first 19 if you hate them so much? I don’t enjoy listening to country music, so I don’t tune to that channel. What I don’t do is keep my radio on the country station and complain about how bad the music is…

  22. Chrth

    May 8, 2014 at 7:16 am

    Whoa, hey now, I’m a huge fan of D&D and WoW and I think the comment section sucks royally. Don’t be a hater.

  23. I think comment section comments are awesome … ly crappy! Why are you people so stupid? Why do you have to be so lame? Why can’t you go jerk off on D&D, WOW, and other things more up your alley?

  24. IFHSS

    May 7, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    Hi I’m IFHSS. I’m a little bratty whiny bitch. I have gay feelings for Sam Bradford and Aaron Rodgers and Michael Sam. tony Romo is a good guy. Ben rothlessburger is smart. comment convos are funny.

  25. Jay Cutler

    May 7, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    *lights a cigarette.

  26. Jay Cutler

    May 7, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    *vomit* What the hell is wrong with you Bradford? and McCown you worthless shitball, this isn’t twitter.

  27. Josh McCown

    May 7, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    Lol Big Ben is so silly Hash tag never change Ben Hash tag I love when he explains jokes because I never get them on my own

  28. Sam Bradford

    May 7, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    No you dipshit. Playing with your Jaguar while taking a Brown is like eating cat shit while having oral sex with a cat.

  29. Jake Locker

    May 7, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    Let me hazard a guess- it’s like collecting your sister’s used tampons and wiping your mouth with them?

  30. Sam Bradford

    May 7, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    You know what they say about playing with your Jaguars while taking a brown?

  31. Johnny Manziel

    May 7, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    Hey as long as I don’t have to play for the Browns or the Jaguars I’ll be happy.

  32. nemo

    May 7, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Poor Ben.

  33. Anonymous

    May 7, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Please please please do a draft FB convo

  34. Bill Cowher

    May 7, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    For the last time Ben I’m not your coach anymore.

  35. Ben Roethlisberger

    May 7, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    NO OMAR EPPS YOU CANT REPLACE ME ONLY COACH CAN DO THAT. BUT I AM A GOOD QB RIGHT COWHER? I CAN STILL PLAY FOR ANOTHER 5,6, OR 7 YEARS I SWEAR!

  36. Mike Tomlin

    May 7, 2014 at 11:58 am

    You know I really should start thinking about your replacement Ben thanks for the idea

  37. Matt Ryan

    May 7, 2014 at 11:33 am

    You called your self stupid you dumb fuck.

  38. Ben Roethlisberger

    May 7, 2014 at 11:32 am

    I AN NOT STUPID WHO SAID I WAS STUPID?

  39. Tom Brady

    May 7, 2014 at 11:29 am

    Yes we all know your stupid Ben don’t need to say it twice…

  40. Ben Roethlisberger

    May 7, 2014 at 11:27 am

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE I AM VERY STUPID YOU SEE

  41. Johnny Football

    May 7, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Shouldn’t the “The actor?” text be from Bill Cowher?

  42. Anonymous

    May 7, 2014 at 11:25 am

    I think Cowher was supposed to say “The actor?” But beautifully done gents.

  43. Ben Roethlisberger

    May 7, 2014 at 11:24 am

    It’s funny because I’m stupid.

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