From the PFM Vault: Indianapolis Colts Regret Training at Camp Crystal Lake
"Help! He's after me!" screams Andrew Luck, while running from hockey mask wearing psychopath
Originally Published Aug. 9, 2013
CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, IN – Multiple players, coaches, and trainers of the Indianapolis Colts have been violently murdered by a hockey mask-wearing psychopath during the past several days, and the few remaining survivors took a short break from desperately fleeing through the woods to announce to reporters that they very much regret the team’s decision to hold its 2013 training camp at the infamous Camp Crystal Lake.
“They’re dead! Oh god, they’re all dead,” screamed WR Reggie Wayne, referring to the team’s punt coverage unit, whose 40.3 net yards per kick ranked 15th in the league last season, and whose members currently were hanging upside down from a nearby tree while blood from their freshly slit throats dripped down to the ground below.
“At first, there was no warning whatsoever,” said QB Andrew Luck. “We’d all just be taping up our ankles or whatever, and suddenly BAM, one of our running backs would get cut in half with a chainsaw. But pretty soon we figured out that there was this creepy ‘ch-ch-ch, ha-ha-ha’ music that always played right before he attacked. So we got pretty good at running like hell whenever we heard that.”
“Andrew had this crazy idea that we should all split up, and look for this hockey mask dude alone,” said LB Robert Mathis. “And I was like, ‘Man, there’s no way I’m heading into those woods by myself. That’s a surefire way to get myself kil…” at which point a razor-sharp machete was suddenly lunged through Mathis’ abdomen.
Asked to identify the dark red stains on his practice jersey, Luck stated, “That? That’s blood. It’s all blood. This patch here was when (CB) Vontae Davis got shot with an arrow through the eye as he was standing next to me during warmups. This spot over here was from when someone drove a pitchfork through (backup QB) Matt Hasselbeck at a film study session. And I think most of this blood here is (TE) Coby Fleener’s, from when someone beheaded him with an axe while he was next to me in the lunch line. One minute we’re talking about our two-minute offense, and the next, THWACK, his head’s staring up at me from my potato salad.”
Head coach Chuck Pagano expressed frustration at his beleaguered team’s failure to mount a successful defense against the crazed butcher.
“No matter what we’ve done to try to stop him, he just keeps on carving us up,” Pagano stated. “So far, we’ve drowned him, electrocuted him, pinned him to a tree with a car, and even burned him alive. He just keeps coming back.”
Added Pagano, “There are definitely things we could have executed better. Like, you know, not getting executed. But on the bright side, we have opened up a ton of salary cap space.”