“I’m So Thrilled to be a Kansas City Chief,” Says Clearly Miserable Alex Smith
KANSAS CITY – As he prepares to face his old team in a Friday night NFL preseason game, a clearly miserable Alex Smith told reporters during a morning press conference that he’s “absolutely thrilled, and so very excited” to have been traded away from the San Francisco 49ers and starting a new NFL season as a member of the Kansas City Chiefs.
“I couldn’t be happier with the way things worked out,” the deeply depressed QB said, while choking back tears of anguish. “I mean, what ninth-year veteran, who was the first overall pick of the draft, and who’s supposed to be right in the prime of his career, wouldn’t love getting kicked off a team after losing his job to a young, second round backup with barely any experience? Why, it’s almost as much fun as sitting on the bench and watching that same young backup take your team all the way to the Super Bowl.”
“And naturally, I’m just as pleased as punch to be here in the sprawling metropolis that is greater Kansas City. Oh, it’s so much better than boring old San Francisco, what with all that ‘culture,’ ‘nightlife,’ and ‘sophistication,'” continued the despondent Smith, while making exaggerated air quotes with his index and middle fingers. “Thank goodness the Niners sent me away from all that fun and excitement so I could settle down here in Hicksville, USA instead.”
Asked if he had any hard feelings toward his former coach Jim Harbaugh, Smith folded his arms on the table, laid his head sadly down, and muttered, “Hard feelings? None whatsoever. If anything, I’m grateful to Coach Harbaugh for announcing to the world that I’m not good enough to play for the team that everyone’s picking to win the Super Bowl. God bless that man for publicly humiliating me and sending me in shame to the Chiefs, where I get to play for a team that has only won three playoff games in the past forty-three years.”
Smith concluded the press conference by burying his face in his hands and bursting into deep, loud sobs as reporters looked at each other uncomfortably, folded up their notepads, and walked silently from the room.