Tony Gonzalez: “If I Don’t Get That F***ing Super Bowl Ring THIS Year, Someone’s Getting Shot”

Updated: October 30, 2012

So we won again! Falcons30, Eagles 17, whoo-hoo! That makes us an awesome 7-0 baby! The only undefeated team in the NFL, the top dog in the NFC, and the consensus #1 on EVERYONE’S power rankings. Yeahhhhhh!

“Hi there! If I don’t win a Super Bowl, I’ll murder you and your entire family!”


So I’ll tell you one thing: If I don’t get that goddamn, motherfucking Super Bowl ring THIS year, someone’s getting hurt.


Look, I’ve paid my dues, okay? I was drafted in 1997! NINETY-SEVEN, people. CLINTON was president, for Christ’s sake! I’ve been getting my head bashed in for almost 15 years now. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to have guys like Ray Lewis, Brian Urlacher, and Patrick Willis nailing the shit out of you play after play, week after week, for fifteen years? I can barely get out of bed in the morning to take a piss anymore. So why do I keep doing it?


To get that beautiful, shiny, godamn motherfucking ring, that’s why.


You have no idea how annoying it is talking to other tight ends. Heath Miller’s all, “Hey Gonzalez, too bad you don’t have a ring yet! I have two! I wish I coud give you one of mine, but you know it doesn’t work that way. You have to EARN these bad boys.”


Fuck, I hate that guy.

Gonzalez is known for having some of the best hands in the league, in part because they’re not weighted down with any Super Bowl rings.


Hey, does this name ring a bell: Daniel Graham? Yeah, I know, you’re like, “Who? That name sounds kind of familiar.” Well, he was drafted in ’02, he’s played for four different teams, and he’s had less than 2,500 yards receiving in over ten seasons.


Oh, and he also has TWO FUCKING RINGS. Gah!


Even JEREMY SHOCKEY has two Super Bowl rings, and he won them playing on two different teams. SHOCKEY! And trust me, that guy’s pretty much the biggest, slimiest tool in the league. Meantime, I’VE played on two different teams over the course of a stellar, hall of fame career, I’ve always conducted myself with class, grace, and dignity, and what do I have to show for it? JACK-SHIT.


DAMMITT. I want my goddamn, motherfucking Super Bowl ring, and I want it THIS YEAR, or so help my God, Imma rain down death and destruction on every living thing within a five mile radius. You’re gonna turn on CNN one day, and you’re gonna hear, “breaking news out of Georgia: it seems legendary NFL tight end Tony Gonzalez has apparently gone on a wild killing rampage through downtown Atlanta. Residents of the city are advised to run for their fucking lives before the furious yet handsome player rips their goddamn heads off. Now, here’s Tom with the weather…”


Yep, that’s gonna be me.  Super Bowl ring this year, or so help me, everyone will pay. EVERYONE. FUCK ME, I want that goddamn motherfucking Super Bowl ring so FUCKING BAD.


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  1. Anonymous

    March 2, 2014 at 11:21 am


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