Guy Who Owns Paper Bag Company Demands Texans Give Gary Kubiak Contract Extension

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Updated: December 2, 2013
"These versatile products are also perfect for Astros games," said MacIntyre.

“These versatile products are also perfect for Astros games,” said MacIntyre.

HOUSTON – Despite losing 34-31 to the New England Patriots on Sunday and falling to an AFC-worst 2-10, Texans coach Gary Kubiak has found a vocal supporter in Glen MacIntyre, a guy who owns a paper bag manufacturing plant in the greater Houston warehouse district, local sources reported today.

 

“Gary Kubiak is the right coach for the Houston Texans, and I endorse him wholeheartedly,” said MacIntyre, whose company, Lone Star Paper Products Inc. has notched record 2013 profits, particularly over the past three months. “In my considered opinion, his performance brings out just the right reactions from his players, as well as from the fans in the stands.”

 

Added MacIntyre, “By the way, our plain brown 12×17 grocery bags are on special this week. $30 per bundle of 500. Stock up now, because the Broncos will be coming to town soon.”

 

The loss to the Patriots was the tenth straight defeat for the Texans, who had been expected to be AFC contenders this season. Injuries and sloppy play have contributed to their disappointing record, and bag-wearing fans have become an increasingly common sight at Reliant Stadium. MacIntyre, however, believes Kubiak deserves more time to continue his progress with the team.

 

“I hereby call for Texans management to sign Coach Kubiak to a ten year contract extension to give Houston many, many more seasons like this one,” said MacIntyre, adding, “I just bought a 24 foot powerboat. Those payments don’t just make themselves.”

 

For his part, Kubiak takes no offense to the throngs of “bagheads” dotting the stands.

 

“No, that’s their right. They purchased their tickets, so they’re allowed to wear bags on their heads if they want,” said the 8th year coach. “But in the interest of saving our forests, I encourage all those fans to wrap plastic, rather than paper bags, around their heads. Make sure to tie ’em good and tight around the throat too, for maximum impact.”

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18 Comments

  1. Pingback: Texans fired Gary Kubiak - Page 2

  2. Anonymous

    December 3, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    It’s funny because people get angry over us explaining why it’s funny….you see.

  3. Anonymous

    December 3, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE BECAUSE NONE OF US ARE TEXANS FANS.

  4. Tony Brown

    December 2, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    If Kubiak is fired, I wouldn’t mind seeing him in Tampa next year.

  5. Anonymous

    December 2, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Brady wants to do bag lady.

  6. Anonymous

    December 2, 2013 at 10:04 am

    That final paragraph is just too funny.

  7. Chrth

    December 2, 2013 at 8:44 am

    The best line is the caption to the photo

  8. cheese

    December 2, 2013 at 8:24 am

    It would’ve been funnier if they mentioned how much this guy loves Matt Schaub too

  9. Yoda

    December 2, 2013 at 8:15 am

    A copycat nobody likes….

  10. Anonymous

    December 2, 2013 at 7:54 am

    Nobody likes a copycat, you see!

  11. Anonymous

    December 2, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Yeah, because you see nobody likes a copycat!

  12. Anonymous

    December 2, 2013 at 7:08 am

    Because you see nobody likes a copycat.

  13. Anonymous

    December 2, 2013 at 12:21 am

    ITS FUNNY BECUASE THE B ROHT EXPANATIONS ARENT FUNNY (Unless its in a FB QB convo)

  14. Anonymous

    December 1, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    @IFHSS That’s exactly what I just said! Always someone thinking its funny when they do it, in every.single.fucking.post.

  15. Anonymouse

    December 1, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    ^^ that comment

  16. IFHSS

    December 1, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    ‘Those payments don’t just make themselves.’ HAHAHA
    btw those B-roth comments aren’t funny…. just leave it for the FB convos….

  17. Anonymous

    December 1, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    ^^ that comment

  18. BEN ROETHLISBERGER

    December 1, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    BECAUSE THE TEXANS ARE SO BAD THEIR FANS ALL BUY PAPER BAGS TO WEAR ON THEIR HEADS, YOU SEE.

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