Guy On Blind Date Spends Way Too Much Time Talking About Steelers Offensive Line
The blind date between Kevin Statler, 26, of Summer Hill PA and Brighton Height’s Heather Cromwell, 23, did not go as well as hoped, it was reported Tuesday, when Statler spent an estimated 65% of the evening discussing the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line.
“The Steelers are twenty-first in rushing this season, and that’s a direct reflection of their o-line struggles,” Statler explained to a politely nodding but clearly disinterested Cromwell as the two looked through their menus at Roland’s, a local seafood restaurant. “But as Jonathan Dwyer has emerged, it seems the line is really starting to find its rhythm, you know?”
A lifetime Pittsburgh fan, Statler enthusiastically analyzed the Steelers’ starting tackles as the pair ate their crab cake appetizers, before moving on to the strengths and weaknesses of the interior line during the entrees.
“I guess Kevin’s really into football,” said Cromwell later. “I don’t really follow it too much. I watch the Super Bowl sometimes, mainly to see the ads, but that’s pretty much it. When I told him that I don’t know much about the NFL, I thought we’d move on to a different topic, like our favorite movies or whatever. Instead he just launched into this really animated discussion about some rookie offensive-person who’s hurt or something.”
“She’d never even heard of David DeCastro, if you can believe that,” Statler recalled later. “So to help her understand what I was saying, I figured the gentlemanly thing to do was to explain how DeCastro was expected to be a pro-bowler as a rookie, and it was his injury that really crippled the line. I think she really appreciated the extra info.”
The two were set up by Cromwell’s sister-in-law Nicole Dennison, 31, who works with Statler at a Best Buy electronics store in the North Hills Village Mall.
“Heather’s been looking to meet someone since she broke up with her college boyfriend last year. And I’ve known Kevin for about six months now. He works back in the car audio department, and he seems nice enough, even if he does talk about football a lot. I guess I thought they’d chat about television shows or music or something.”
As of press time, reports differ as to whether or not the two will be seeing each other again.
“I don’t think so,” said Cromwell. “By the time the check came, he had moved on to reciting every single player’s ‘cost against the 2013 cap,’ and I have absolutely no idea what any of that even means. When the evening ended, he asked if I wanted to do something next Friday, and I told him I’d have to get back to him. God, I hope he takes the hint.”
“Heather said she’d check her schedule and let me know,” said Statler. “She’s really nice, even if the poor thing is seriously under-informed about the Steelers. But it’s cool. Next time, I’m taking her to this great little sports bar I know, and I’m going to teach her all about Dick LeBeau’s 3-4 defense, and how integral Troy Polamalu is to its success. When she see how well rounded I am on both offensive AND defensive strategies, I’ll probably get laid for sure.”