Guy On Blind Date Spends Way Too Much Time Talking About Steelers Offensive Line
PITTSBURGH, PA – The blind date between Kevin Statler, 26, and Heather Cromwell, 23, did not go as well as hoped, it was reported early this morning, when Statler spent an estimated 65% of the evening discussing the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line.
“We’re only going to be competitive this year if our revamped o-line can hold up against defensive pressure from teams like New England and Cincinnati,” Statler explained to a politely nodding but clearly disinterested Cromwell as the two looked through their menus at Roland’s, a local seafood restaurant. “If our guys block as badly during the regular season as they did during training camp, we’re looking at a 7 or 8 win season, tops.”
“I guess Kevin’s really into football,” said Cromwell later. “I don’t follow it too much. I watch the Super Bowl sometimes, mainly to see the ads, but that’s pretty much it. When I told him that I don’t know much about the NFL, I thought we’d move on to a different topic, like our favorite movies or whatever. Instead he just launched into this really animated discussion about some switch to a ‘zoned’ something or other.”
“She was completely unaware that the Steelers are switching to a predominantly zone-blocking offensive scheme this year, if you can believe that,” Statler recalled later. “So to help her understand what I was saying, I figured the gentlemanly thing to do was to use some salt and pepper shakers to demonstrate the concept of the outside zone, one-cut blocking system. I had to borrow some shakers from the tables around us to properly diagram the plays, and I think she appreciated the extra effort.”
As of press time, reports differ as to whether or not the two will be seeing each other again.
“I don’t think so,” said Cromwell. “By the time the check came, he had moved on to reciting every single player’s ‘cost against the 2013 cap,’ and I have absolutely no idea what any of that even means. When the evening ended, he asked if I wanted to do something next Friday, and I told him I’d have to get back to him. God, I hope he takes the hint.”
“Heather said she’d check her schedule and let me know,” said Statler. “She’s really nice, even if the poor thing is seriously under-informed about the Steelers. But it’s cool. Next time, I’m taking her to this great little sports bar I know, and I’m going to teach her all about Dick LeBeau’s 3-4 defense, and how integral Troy Polamalu is to its success. When she see how well-rounded I am on both offensive AND defensive strategies, I’ll probably get laid for sure.”