“Guinness Book Of World Records” Getting Pretty Sick Of Changing “Loudest Crowd” Stat
"Again With This Shit?" Asks Frustrated Book's Editor
NEW YORK – Representatives from the Guinness Book of World Records, upon learning that the New Orleans Saints hope to set the record for “Loudest Indoor Crowd,” during Sunday’s game against the Carolina Panthers, admitted today that they’re getting pretty sick of revising their official crowd volume statistics so frequently during the 2013 NFL season.
“Jesus Christ, again with this ‘Loudest Crowd’ shit?” said frustrated Guinness editor-in-chief Craig Glenday, 40 from his office in midtown Manhattan. “Look, everyone gets it, okay? NFL crowds are loud. Do we really have to keep resetting this mark every couple of weeks?”
The record for “Loudest Outdoor Crowd” was set earlier this season by fans of the Seattle Seahawks during their team’s win against the San Francisco 49ers. The mark was broken a few weeks later by Kansas City Chiefs fans against the Oakland Raiders, only to be reclaimed by Seahawks fans this past Monday night during the Seahawks 34-7 victory over New Orleans, prompting the Saints current attempt to claim the indoor record this weekend.
“Look, here’s an idea,” sighed an exasperated Glenday. “How ’bout I just put the words, ‘HEY EVERYONE, NFL CROWDS CAN SCREAM AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS ON COMMAND’ in huge, 48-point type on the very first page of the 2014 book, okay? Then all you jersey wearing, sign waving assholes can stop trying to break this record every Sunday.”
“I swear to Christ. Every time I think I’m ready to send the new book to the printers, Roger Goodell’s office is calling me to bring my official audio measuring equipment to Kansas City, or Seattle, or wherever. Look no offense to those cities, but do you think maybe the Giants or Jets could break this record? That’s just a quick trip over the bridge into Jersey for me. Or, if it HAS to be in another city, then maybe Miami, or San Diego? Someplace that’s, you know, NOT 100 degrees below freezing?”
At press time, spokespersons for the Giants, Jets, Chargers, and Dolphins assured reporters that there were absolutely no plans in place to break any crowd volume records in the near future.
- Dry-Cleaning Bill Of $43.08 Sends Peyton Manning Into PTSD Rage
- Marshawn Lynch: “BEAST MODE NOT REPORTING TO TRAINING CAMP WITHOUT FINANCIAL SECURITY OFFERED BY NEW LONG-TERM CONTRACT, MOTHERFUCKERS”
- Jamaal Charles Insists New Contract Include Stipulation He Never Has To See Andy Reid Naked In Shower Again
- Seahawks Super Bowl Ring Features Diamond-Studded Image Of Peyton Manning Crying