“Guinness Book Of World Records” Getting Pretty Sick Of Changing “Loudest Crowd” Stat

"Again With This Shit?" Asks Frustrated Book's Editor

By
Updated: December 7, 2013

NEW YORK – Representatives from the Guinness Book of World Records, upon learning that the New Orleans Saints hope to set the record for “Loudest Indoor Crowd,” during Sunday’s game against the Carolina Panthers, admitted today that they’re getting pretty sick of revising their official crowd volume statistics so frequently during the 2013 NFL season.

SAINTS FANS TRY FOR GUINESS RECORD FOR LOUDEST CROWD3

 

“Jesus Christ, again with this ‘Loudest Crowd’ shit?” said frustrated Guinness editor-in-chief Craig Glenday, 40 from his office in midtown Manhattan. “Look, everyone gets it, okay? NFL crowds are loud. Do we really have to keep resetting this mark every couple of weeks?”

 

The record for “Loudest Outdoor Crowd” was set earlier this season by fans of the Seattle Seahawks during their team’s win against the San Francisco 49ers. The mark was broken a few weeks later by Kansas City Chiefs fans against the Oakland Raiders, only to be reclaimed by Seahawks fans this past Monday night during the Seahawks 34-7 victory over New Orleans, prompting the Saints current attempt to claim the indoor record this weekend.

 

“Look, here’s an idea,” sighed an exasperated Glenday. “How ’bout I just put the words, ‘HEY EVERYONE, NFL CROWDS CAN SCREAM AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS ON COMMAND’ in huge, 48-point type on the very first page of the 2014 book, okay? Then all you jersey wearing, sign waving assholes can stop trying to break this record every Sunday.”

 

“I swear to Christ. Every time I think I’m ready to send the new book to the printers, Roger Goodell’s office is calling me to bring my official audio measuring equipment to Kansas City, or Seattle, or wherever. Look no offense to those cities, but do you think maybe the Giants or Jets could break this record? That’s just a quick trip over the bridge into Jersey for me. Or, if it HAS to be in another city, then maybe Miami, or San Diego? Someplace that’s, you know, NOT 100 degrees below freezing?”

 

At press time, spokespersons for the Giants, Jets, Chargers, and Dolphins assured reporters that there were absolutely no plans in place to break any crowd volume records in the near future.

20 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    December 7, 2013 at 5:51 am

    I’m sure that Texans fans can set a record for quietest NFL stadium

  2. IFHSS

    December 7, 2013 at 8:12 am

    No plans or no fans???

  3. Anonymous

    December 7, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    That dolphins part hit right in the feels ouch. But great as always

  4. Anonymous

    December 8, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Screw you bud, that is what your job is to have people trying to break records. Don’t like it there are openings shoveling shot somewhere!!

  5. Anonymous

    December 8, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    These teams pay Guinness reps to come for an official record attempt. Craig Glenday can shut the hell up and do his job. Sorry we are giving you job security Craig. I for one will never buy a Guinness book again.

  6. Anonymous

    December 8, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Lol it kills me that some people still take articles on this site seriously

  7. Big wood

    December 8, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    You sound like a bitchy asshole who doesn’t want to do his job. What a pussy who just wants to visits resort cities or travel five minutes from his house to do his job. Must be hell to fly into a new town every week ( paid for by someone else) and hold a stupid meter and measure some sound. I guess they could get a chimpanzee to do for some bananas…. Bet he wouldn’t bitch! Asshole!

  8. Anonymous

    December 8, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    you guys do know this is fake right?

  9. Anonymous

    December 9, 2013 at 3:26 am

    It never fails – there are always 2-3 clueless fools who come in and respond to one of these articles like they actually happened.

    Personally, I’m surprised there weren’t people complaining about the article where Chewbacca got signed by the Falcons.

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  11. Anonymous

    December 9, 2013 at 7:03 am

    God some of these people commenting on here are complete dumbasses. They do know this is a parody site right?

  12. Anonymous

    December 9, 2013 at 8:15 am

    The people who believe this is real are sometimes equally as funny as the article itself. And that’s saying ALOT

  13. Jeff Trigger

    December 9, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Did you know if you say oranges slow enough it sounds like gullible?

  14. Bob Easter

    December 10, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Quit your crying and do you damn job already.

  15. Shannon

    December 10, 2013 at 8:04 am

    They probably really think the QBs get together and have a convo also!
    Lol

  16. WILSON, I WILL SHOVE A....

    December 10, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    “They probably really think the QBs get together and have a convo also!”
    You mean the facebook convo is not real?

  17. WILSON, I WILL SHOVE A....

    December 10, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    Next you’re going to tell me that Mike Tomlin doesn’t wear size 97 Chuck Taylors.

  18. Steve

    December 12, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    WHAT?? Tomlin doesn’t wear those 5+ feet long clown shoes??

  19. KVann

    December 30, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Wait!!! HOLD UP a minute… Chewbacca was signed by the Falcons? Shit, how did I miss that? Screwed up all 3 of my fantasy seasons! Next thing you will tell me is that the Packer fans aren’t the loudest on earth which was proven by some whiny jackass from the Guinness Book. Now THAT would screw up my whole day!

  20. adam

    January 7, 2014 at 10:13 pm

    satiric article aside, the fans in seattle have never been prompted to cheer on command. the records have been broken during big plays and not with prompting from anyone.

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