Guest Reporter Jay Cutler: “Aaron Rodgers Runs Out of Lavender Bubble Bath, Has To Use Chamomile Instead”

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Updated: October 30, 2013
JAY CUTLER HEADSHOT

(While Bears QB Jay Cutler rehabs his injured groin, he has asked to serve as a PFM guest reporter. Today, he filed this story as a response to a previously reported item regarding the Green Bay Packers):

 

Big news, you guys! A terrible, awful tragedy was barely averted today at the Aaron Rodgers household in the tiny Green Bay suburb of Dickholesville, when the Packers quarterback ran out out his favorite lavender-scented bubble bath soap while lying in his tub surrounded by floral scented candles. Luckily for him, his backup stash of chamomile soap was sitting in a cabinet nearby, so he was able to make a last-minute substitution. HAHAHA.

 

Now where was I? Oh right, the stupid bubble bath the big dumb girly Rodgers was taking. Well anyway, my sources tell me that while soaking in the warm water listening to a soothing medley of Justin Beiber’s most romantic hits and reading the novel Twilight for the 57th time, Rodgers noticed that his delicate little toesies were starting to stick out of the frothy suds.

"I'm such a pretty, pretty girl!"

“I’m such a pretty, pretty girl!”

 

“Oopsy-daisy! Time to add more bubbly-wubblies!” giggled Rodgers as he reached for the bottle on the side of the tub near his stupid head. But his girlish titters soon turned into a high-pitched shriek as he saw to his horror that the bottle containing his favorite lavender soap was completely empty!

 

“Oh my goodness gracious, no!” screeched the totally overrated Rodgers. “Whatever shall I do now, Mister Cheesers?”

 

Because Mister Cheesers is his beloved long-haired Persian kittycat, you see. In case you were confused.

 

So then Rodgers began prancing around the bathroom, a fluffy yellow towel clutched to his chest, as he searched madly through all his cabinets and drawers looking for more of the purple, floral soap that’s totally his favorite thing in the whole wide world. But alas, amid all his mascara bottles, hair curlers, and tampon boxes there just wasn’t a bottle of lavender soap to be found anywhere!

 

“Oh gosh, this is just awful!” he whimpered, tears welling up in his big dumb eyes. “My stars, I think I might just faint from this awful shock!”

 

But just then, something caught his eye: lying in the back of his medicine cabinet near the hair removal gel he uses to keep his bikini area nice and smooth, he saw his salvation: a small, long-forgotten bottle of chamomile bubble bath that he got as a gift from Clay Matthews during one of their regular One Direction listening parties.

 

“Oh hooray!” Rodgers squealed happily, while dancing a dainty little jig and clapping his hands ever so briskly. “My bubble bath is saved, Mister Cheesers! Yay for me!”

 

And then he totally got back in the bath and filled it up with more suds, so he could sit and soak for another hour while painting his toenails that pretty shade of neon pink he loves so much. The end.

 

Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this hard-hitting news report from me. I think it turned out pretty great, if I do say so myself, and it’s clear I’ve got a bright future ahead of me as an investigative journalist after I return from this stupid groin injury and resume my career as the NFL’s all time greatest QB of all time. So check back again soon to read my next Pulitzer Prize-worthy expose: “Matt Stafford: Terrible NFL QB By Day, Cross-Dressing Discount Prostitute By Night.”

Leave a Reply

25 Comments

  1. PFM Comments

    October 20, 2014 at 10:56 am

    Haha this one still amuses me.

  2. Brandon Weeden

    March 2, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    It’s so much funnier because Aaron Rodgers in gay

  3. Anonymous

    January 29, 2014 at 10:26 am

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE BEN ROETHLISBERGER IS TOO DUMB TO SPELL HIS NAME YOU SEE!

  4. Ben Rothlessburgur

    January 29, 2014 at 10:25 am

    It’s funny because Aaron Rodgers is gay!

  5. Cracken

    January 27, 2014 at 7:16 am

    KVann … it’s a farce. Fictional. Not real. Just like the Packer’s chances of beating the 49’ers.

  6. KVann

    December 30, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Well, we have ANOTHER division title… More than the Bears can say. Someone has his panties in a bunch and a bitter taste in his mouth over his team not being able to stop the Packers yet again. Poor Bears fan making himself feel better with middle school comments. Oh no, you made me so sad I couldn’t stop crying… Boohoohoo… Come laugh with the rest of the adults once you hit puberty.

  7. Anonymous

    November 7, 2013 at 11:36 am

    It’s a lot of fat dumbass packer fans out there to think this is real lol. I would say get a life but they got nothing else.

  8. mayonessa

    November 5, 2013 at 9:16 am

    i’m saddened that jay didn’t say whether or not rodgers utilized his fuzzy bunny slippers post-bath. otherwise, great hard-hitting journalism right here!

  9. Anonymous

    November 4, 2013 at 9:48 am

    BECAUSE HIS BALLS HURT, YOU SEE!!!

  10. Anonymous

    November 3, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Cutler should be home soaking his groin!

  11. TradeCutlerNow

    November 1, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    This is exactly what Cutler WOULD do. Go after the opposing QB knowing that he’s not playing this week and won’t have to worry about Rodger’s teammates teaching him a lesson for opening his little girl mouth. #cutlerisadouche

  12. Tony

    November 1, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Bwahahaha..the comments are almost as funny as the story…bwahahahahaa

  13. jiminnyc

    November 1, 2013 at 7:22 am

    leftyscumbag: now THAT is a threat!!!!!!!

  14. Anonymous

    November 1, 2013 at 3:16 am

    BECAUSE JAY CUTLER REALLY DOESN’T LIKE AARON RODGERS, YOU SEE.

  15. leftyscumbag

    October 31, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    If we don’t get more of Cutler as a guest reporter I will go Vick on PFM’s dogs and Bradford on their mothers.

  16. alexgiobbi

    October 31, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    I simultaneously laughed and puked at the over-sugariness.

  17. Anonymous

    October 31, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Haha I have tears in my eyes and want to see more of guest PFM reporter Cutler.

  18. Beaker

    October 31, 2013 at 12:55 am

    David is obviously joking

  19. rYe

    October 30, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Really hope ur joking David…

  20. Anonymous

    October 30, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    David it is satire. Do you really think Jay Cutler wrote this?

  21. David

    October 30, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Jay needs to stop worrying about Rogers and just focus on his groin rehab. This guest reporter gig may prove to be a locker room distraction down the stretch…

  22. Gene Beesley Kaschmitter

    October 30, 2013 at 11:52 am

    that sounds about right

  23. Chrth

    October 30, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Jay Cutler is awfully concerned about what’s going on in Rodgers’ bathroom. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
    Now if Sam Bradford was involved, I’m sure there would be something wrong with that.

  24. Anonymous

    October 30, 2013 at 11:05 am

    LOL!!!!!!!!!! Tears from laughing!

  25. IFHSS

    October 30, 2013 at 8:30 am

    HAHAHA great idea PFM!

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