Guest Reporter Jay Cutler: “Aaron Rodgers Runs Out of Lavender Bubble Bath, Has To Use Chamomile Instead”
(While Bears QB Jay Cutler rehabs his injured groin, he has asked to serve as a PFM guest reporter. Today, he filed this story as a response to a previously reported item regarding the Green Bay Packers):
Big news, you guys! A terrible, awful tragedy was barely averted today at the Aaron Rodgers household in the tiny Green Bay suburb of Dickholesville, when the Packers quarterback ran out out his favorite lavender-scented bubble bath soap while lying in his tub surrounded by floral scented candles. Luckily for him, his backup stash of chamomile soap was sitting in a cabinet nearby, so he was able to make a last-minute substitution. HAHAHA.
Now where was I? Oh right, the stupid bubble bath the big dumb girly Rodgers was taking. Well anyway, my sources tell me that while soaking in the warm water listening to a soothing medley of Justin Beiber’s most romantic hits and reading the novel Twilight for the 57th time, Rodgers noticed that his delicate little toesies were starting to stick out of the frothy suds.
“Oopsy-daisy! Time to add more bubbly-wubblies!” giggled Rodgers as he reached for the bottle on the side of the tub near his stupid head. But his girlish titters soon turned into a high-pitched shriek as he saw to his horror that the bottle containing his favorite lavender soap was completely empty!
“Oh my goodness gracious, no!” screeched the totally overrated Rodgers. “Whatever shall I do now, Mister Cheesers?”
Because Mister Cheesers is his beloved long-haired Persian kittycat, you see. In case you were confused.
So then Rodgers began prancing around the bathroom, a fluffy yellow towel clutched to his chest, as he searched madly through all his cabinets and drawers looking for more of the purple, floral soap that’s totally his favorite thing in the whole wide world. But alas, amid all his mascara bottles, hair curlers, and tampon boxes there just wasn’t a bottle of lavender soap to be found anywhere!
“Oh gosh, this is just awful!” he whimpered, tears welling up in his big dumb eyes. “My stars, I think I might just faint from this awful shock!”
But just then, something caught his eye: lying in the back of his medicine cabinet near the hair removal gel he uses to keep his bikini area nice and smooth, he saw his salvation: a small, long-forgotten bottle of chamomile bubble bath that he got as a gift from Clay Matthews during one of their regular One Direction listening parties.
“Oh hooray!” Rodgers squealed happily, while dancing a dainty little jig and clapping his hands ever so briskly. “My bubble bath is saved, Mister Cheesers! Yay for me!”
And then he totally got back in the bath and filled it up with more suds, so he could sit and soak for another hour while painting his toenails that pretty shade of neon pink he loves so much. The end.
Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this hard-hitting news report from me. I think it turned out pretty great, if I do say so myself, and it’s clear I’ve got a bright future ahead of me as an investigative journalist after I return from this stupid groin injury and resume my career as the NFL’s all time greatest QB of all time. So check back again soon to read my next Pulitzer Prize-worthy expose: “Matt Stafford: Terrible NFL QB By Day, Cross-Dressing Discount Prostitute By Night.”