God To Ray Lewis: “Honestly, I Don’t Care Who Wins These Games”
Hi, Ray? It’s me, God Almighty. Look, I’ve been told that you’ve been mentioning me a lot lately. I didn’t see the game last Sunday on account of the fact that I was busy fielding desperate prayers from war-torn Syria. But I understand that you beat the Patriots, which is great, and honestly sort of surprising. I kind of thought that they were going to destroy you, but what do I know? I’m more of a college fan myself.
Anyway, it was brought to my attention that you’re been referencing me lately, and alluding to my “will” and whatnot. So I’d like to spell this out for you as clearly as I possibly can, okay? Honestly, I couldn’t give two shits who wins an NFL game.
You’re playing in your last season, right? That’s nice. So is Tony Gonzalez, Matt Hasselbeck and Sam Bradford. (Bradford doesn’t actually know it yet, but there’s going to be a little “incident” in early June, and well, let’s just say that there’s a reason why electric anal beads are not a good idea.) Anyway, the point is that I didn’t intervene for those guys, and I didn’t intervene back in the late 90’s when Dan Marino offered to sacrifice any of his backup o-lineman to me in exchange for a Super Bowl win, so why do you think I would intervene for you now?
(And before you bring it up, yes, I did step in slightly back in February of ’08 when I allowed David Tyree to make that helmet catch. What do you want me to say? Satan is annoying enough as it is, and there was no WAY I was going to let his offspring get a 4th victory in the Super Bowl.)
In all honesty Ray, you’re not what I call the ideal NFL player to be praising my name. Justin Tuck, Jay Feely, Troy Polamalu. These guys are all devout Christians, and upstanding people too. Even Tim Tebow, who yes, I know, gets a little annoying sometimes, is still a good example of someone who I don’t mind name dropping me now and then. But you know what all of these guys have that you don’t? A little quality I call, “not having been accused of murder.”
And listen, I know the whole “murder” thing is beating a dead horse. But still, you must appreciate that it doesn’t look very good to have you constantly associating yourself with me when you have that little incident on your record. I wasn’t there that night in Atlanta, so I can’t say for sure what did or did not happen. But come on Ray. You ditched a bloody suit, you lied to investigators, and you paid a civil suit settlement to the families of the victim? You don’t have to be an immortal deity to know that whole story sounds hella-fishy.
Look, live-and-let live is my motto, okay? I try not to judge. But I would appreciate it if in the future you would just keep me out of your speeches altogether. If you win the Super Bowl, you can thank Fate, or Destiny, or the Tooth Fairy for all I care. Just please leave me out of it, because I can promise you that I will have no involvement whatsoever. As a favor to the Saints fans in the Superdome, I might exert a little influence to have a pigeon fly down front the rafters and shit on Roger Goodell’s head during the trophy ceremony, but that’s it.