Girl Who Once Wanted To Be Astronautical Engineer Still Playing With “Cowboys Cheerleader Barbie” She Got For Christmas

Updated: January 1, 2014

PASADENA, CA – Local eight-year old Kaitlyn Graham, who has spent a majority of her young life dreaming of becoming a world-renowned astronautical engineer, has seemingly lost all interest in her orbital ambitions and has instead devoted countless hours of the past week to playing with the “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Barbie” she received as a gift on Christmas morning, according to sources close to the preadolescent.



“Isn’t she just so, so pretty?” Graham said, while brushing the 12″ doll’s hair for the third time that afternoon. “Someday I’m going to be just like her. I want long beautiful blond hair, a cute, tight tummy, and big boobies that will make all the boys like me. And I’m going to be a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys. That’s pretty much the most important job a lady can have, you know!”


Kaitlyn’s parents were reportedly aghast at their only child’s sudden shift in career aspirations.


“Disappointed? Horrified is more like it,” said father Howard Graham, 42, a nuclear physicist at the Natural Energy Laboratory of Los Angeles. “From the moment I showed Kaitlyn (acclaimed space documentary) ‘Journey to the Edge of the Universe’ on her 3rd birthday, all she’s ever wanted to be was an astronautical engineer. For five years now, she’s obsessed over planetary rotations and spacecraft propulsion. Her halloween costume this past year was Buzz Aldrin, for Christ’s sake. But ever since she unwrapped that doll last week on Christmas morning, all she talks about is makeup and hairspray and hotpants. And she keeps asking how old she has to be to get breast enhancement surgery.”


“Blame my idiot brother, the Cowboys fan” added Dr. Maria Graham-Espinoza, 39, a professor of microbiology at Pasadena City College. “He tried to be the ‘cool uncle’ by giving her that doll, when he knows damn well I disapprove of toys that reinforce stereotypical gender roles. I’ve tried to tell Kaitlyn that a life size version of that bimbo Barbie would be 5’9, 110 pounds, with a 39 inch bust, and probably be diagnosed with severe anorexia. But that just seemed to intrigue her even more.”


Despite her parents’ concerns, Kaitlyn’s obsession with the lifestyle of an NFL cheerleader shows no sign of abating.


“When I grow up, I’m going to live in Dallas and go to all the Cowboys games and wave my pom-poms and dance around for the crowd and feel just like a princess!” she said, while scotch-taping a Justin Beiber poster over the mural of Jupiter’s moons on her wall. “They’ll put me in calendars, and let me wear bikinis, and all kinds of neat stuff. And then one day I’ll marry the quarterback and we’ll have lots and lots of babies and live happily ever after. Science and rockets and stuff is a boy’s job. A girl’s job is to cheer them on while they do it.”


“See?” she added proudly. “And to think Mommy and Daddy didn’t think my Cowboys Cheerleader Barbie would teach me any important lessons.”

Leave a Reply


  1. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 17, 2014 at 10:49 am


  2. AnonS

    January 7, 2014 at 8:46 am

    I don’t really feel like this one has a punchline. I know I’m supposed to consider it satire because we’re supposed to be all rah-rah over women wanting to achieve things in science or whatever, but in real life the attractive women are actually always the happiest, and working 60-70 hour weeks to be a “high achiever” is rather foolish.

  3. Anonymous

    January 2, 2014 at 11:50 am

    She wanted to marry the Cowboys quarterback till she met Tony Romo. I think we all would wanna go back to Astronomical Engineering after that. lol

  4. James

    January 1, 2014 at 10:56 am

    Her dream came to an abrupt end later when she saw the wretched husk of a failure at quarterback known as tony romo. She was later quoted saying “what kind of a scatterbrained fuck wad does it take to throw perfect spirals into the Eagles receivers in the closing minutes of a championship game? Wait that was Kyle Orton? Same thing, Cowboys all suck! And did you see their owner? He looks like a chewed raisin!

  5. Anonymous

    January 1, 2014 at 10:26 am

    At least she doesn’t want to be a Belichik babe.

  6. Anonymous

    January 1, 2014 at 10:21 am

    Nah – keep that duck dynasty guy away from her

  7. Anonymous

    January 1, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Just please keep her away from Rapelisberger!!

  8. Anonymous

    January 1, 2014 at 8:40 am

    This was me till I decided to get Call of Duty lol. But i’m more like the wannabe geek, but is too dumb to be one. But this was really funny, and for the sake of the Cowboys fan, hopefully she doesn’t put the curse on that Dallas QB

  9. Sam

    January 1, 2014 at 4:10 am

    It’s more a little scary how eerily close to reality this article is…

  10. Seth

    January 1, 2014 at 4:00 am

    I know this is a joke website but reading this still horrified me, never got the attraction to stick figures with tits anyways…

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