Ghosts Of Christmas Past, Present, Future Creeped Out After Meeting Bill Belichick

Updated: December 18, 2013

BOSTON – The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future were reportedly, “really weirded out,” after a late night meeting with New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, sources confirmed today.


“It was pretty horrifying,” said a visibly shaken Christmas Past. “I appeared to him late at night, rattling my chains and floating inside a dense cloud of preternatural fog. I expected him to scream in terror. Instead he just sort of grumbled, and told me that my technique was sloppy and that my chains needed to be louder. And then he glared at me. Oh my god, that glare! I almost ectoplasmed my pants!”


“I really thought this whole thing would go down differently,” whimpered Christmas present. “The plan was to get him to reevaluate his life, and take a long hard look at the choices he’s made. Instead, he read a passage to me from Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of War,’ then made me study film on the Headless Horseman to observe his methods. It made me feel really inadequate at first, but by the end, I was motivated to become the past spirit I could possibly be.”


Belichick, notorious for his perfectionism as well as his overall lack of warmth, has been criticized at times for the harsh manner in which he treats his players and assistants. While it was initially hoped that his encounters with the three undead Christmas entities would force him to see the error of his ways, it now appears that the Patriots leader may be impervious to even the most haunting of influences.


“He freaked me out, I’ll tell you that much,” said a trembling Christmas Future. “He told me that if I didn’t follow a disciplined workout and study regimen, I’d be traveling down what he called the ‘Buffalo highway to nowhere.’  I asked him, ‘Coach, are these the shadows of things that will be, or of things that might be?’ He never answered. Instead he made me run laps for ten minutes. It was awful!”

Leave a Reply


  1. Anonymous

    December 20, 2013 at 7:19 am

    ^Because my Rapistburger impression was too long you see

  2. Anonymous

    December 20, 2013 at 3:26 am

    Anon 10:15 – You could have just said “played a game in December”, and that would have pretty much said the exact same thing in not so many words.

  3. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    ^Because you see he threw a last minute interception when failing to be clutch.

  4. Peyton "Mother-Fcuking Baller" Manning

    December 19, 2013 at 11:44 am

    dammit @MatthewStafford, stop imitating the real Matthew Stafford. We’ve already seen the Matthew Stafford imitation of Tony Romo last Monday Night!

  5. Anonymous

    December 18, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    Ok PFM! Np! Merry Xmas!

  6. @MatthewStafford

    December 18, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    @NFL-QB Thanks, this seemed like a perfectly plausible reason for an article resurfacing a year later. I must have retweeted it!

  7. Mark

    December 18, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Cosmic :)

  8. NFL-QB

    December 18, 2013 at 11:31 am

    Stafford, this isn’t Twitter, you moron!

    (lol, btw. good one!)

  9. Anonymous

    December 18, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Because Bill Belichick is the devil you see.

  10. @MatthewStafford

    December 18, 2013 at 10:15 am

    RT @PFM: Check out this great article about Bill Belichick.

  11. PFM Staff

    December 18, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Yeah, this is a repost from last year. Just consider it a chestnut from Christmas past.

  12. Anonymous

    December 18, 2013 at 6:39 am

    This is an amazing article, but i think you might’ve accidently re-posted it from last year. Don’t mean to be a dick

  13. James

    December 18, 2013 at 6:19 am

    This was an article from last year yes?

  14. Daniel Thrall

    December 18, 2013 at 4:52 am

    haha billy b is such a BA

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