Gary Kubiak Sadly Packs Up “World’s Best Coach” Cup Wife Gave Him For Christmas Last Year

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Updated: December 6, 2013

HOUSTON – After being fired following an embarrassing 27-20 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars Thursday night, former Texans coach Gary Kubiak sadly packed up the “World’s Best Coach” coffee mug his wife, Rhonda, gave to him as a Christmas present in December of 2012, sources reported today.

ABOVE: Gary Kubiak cleans out items from around his Houston Texans office. Not pictured: Lombardi trophies.

ABOVE: Gary Kubiak cleans out items from around his Houston Texans office. Not pictured: Lombardi trophies.

 

“Time to hit the road, old friend,” Kubiak reportedly sighed to the ceramic mug, customized with the Texans logo along with the inscription proclaiming him as the finest coach in the known universe. “Maybe we’ll have better luck at our next desk, wherever that may be. Though I’d probably have to swap you out for a cup with an updated helmet, I suppose.”

 

The mug’s lofty claim is seen by many as exaggerated and highly inaccurate, given the eleven game losing streak which sealed Kubiak’s fate with the Texans.

 

“You have to understand, at the time Rhonda gave me this cup last Christmas, we were in first place,” said Kubiak. “Not just in the AFC South, mind you. We were leading the entire AFC. There was one week left in the season, and we appeared to have the conference’s top seed and home field advantage in the playoffs all sewn up.”

 

“Then, unfortunately, we lost our last game of the season, while Denver and New England won, and we fell from the #1 to the #3 spot. Everything sort of went to shit after that.”

 

After a divisional round loss to the Patriots in last season’s playoffs, the Texans entered this season with hopes of competing for a Super Bowl, but instead find themselves with a 2-11 record, worst in the NFL.

 

“I still believe I’m the world’s best coach,” said Kubiak, staring at the mug sitting atop the white cardboard box in which all his office’s personal effects now sat. “Rhonda wouldn’t have given this to me if she didn’t believe it to be true. I’m guessing the problem lies with our failure to address the offensive line in recent drafts. None of our personnel assistants have ‘World’s Greatest Scout’ cups on their desks, for what that’s worth.”

 

After picking up the box and departing the Texans headquarters for the final time, Kubiak returned to his Houston area home, which he intends to list as “for sale” within the weekend. There, he updated his resume, checked the current NFL standings, and logged in to NFLShop.com to see how much a Baltimore Ravens clipboard customized with the inscription, “World’s Greatest Offensive Coordinator” would run him.

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9 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    December 11, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    Kubiac’s only two winning seasons happened after Wade Phillips got the job to run the defense and had the defense running so stout that Kubiac couldn’t fuck it up, even though he tried. This year, there were too many injuries on defense. They are still a Top 5 overall defense, but to offset Kubiac’s stupidity on offense you need an ’85 Bears or 2000 Ravens caliber defense…

  2. Jerry Jones

    December 9, 2013 at 10:32 am

    EXACTLY! You sign the failtastic QB to a $100 million contract, and fire that shitty, long-haired defensive coordinator! That’s what we do in Texas!

  3. that's life

    December 9, 2013 at 1:24 am

    look. If your franchise sucks you don’t kick out the scout or the QB you axe the coaches. It’s just the way it is. even if the coaches ARE in fact doing a great job…

  4. DAVID WALSTON

    December 8, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    HA!
    I want that mug! I’m undefeated on MADDEN W/ the Texans!

  5. margew55

    December 8, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Classy guy. Hate to see him go, but that’s life in the NFL.

  6. bobman2

    December 6, 2013 at 11:35 pm

    As a Colts fan I was really hoping he’d hang on a few more years. Jack Del Rio accommodated us for so long; I really miss him. (sniff)

  7. Seth

    December 6, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    seasons*
    Also including 2 years ago where they lost in divisional to us

  8. Seth

    December 6, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    Why did Kubiak get the axe of all people? Hasn’t he been the coach during their successful season also? Like last year’s 12-4?

  9. Anonymous

    December 6, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    This was kinda sad lol. But hilarious as always

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