Fans Nationwide Wondering If NFL Players COULD STOP ACTING LIKE VIOLENT ASSHOLES FOR ONE GODDAMN DAY?
AMERICA – Fans of the National Football League, who just two weeks ago were eagerly awaiting a new season’s worth of exciting gridiron action, have instead endured a recent barrage of depressing news and terrible scandals ranging from Ray Rice’s lifetime suspension for domestic abuse, to today’s report of Adrian Peterson’s indictment for child endangerment after allegedly beating a child with a tree branch, leaving many to wonder if THEY CAN JUST GET THROUGH ONE GODDAMN DAY WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT THEIR FAVORITE PLAYERS ACTING LIKE VIOLENT SOCIOPATHS?
“For Christ’s sake, why the hell can’t you assholes act like decent human beings?” lamented American football watchers. “The start of the new season is supposed to be the best time of the year for us fans, and instead EVERY TIME WE CHECK FUCKING FACEBOOK, THERE’S SOME NEW STORY ABOUT AN ASSAULT BEING COMMITTED AGAINST DEFENSELESS WOMEN AND/OR INNOCENT CHILDREN BY ONE OF YOU OVERPAID NEANDERTHALS. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUR GODDAMN SPORTS HEROES, NOT VICIOUS, CRUEL BULLIES!”
Added all fans everywhere, “I MEAN, SERIOUSLY. FUCK!”
Speaking in unison to defend themselves from the fans’ wrath, Peterson, Rice, Roger Goodell, Ray McDonald, Greg Hardy, Josh Gordon, Jim Irsay, Jerry Jones, and Aldon Smith said, “We understand that people are angry about the rash of scandals this year. But we urge all NFL supporters to exercise caution before leaping to any conclusions…”
“SHUT UP. JUST SHUT THE HELL UP,” interrupted fans, whose temper had reached a boiling point. “WE’RE SICK OF JUSTIFICATIONS, EXCUSES, AND HALF-ASSED APOLOGIES. JUST PLAY FUCKING FOOTBALL AND STOP BEVAVING LIKE BRUTAL DICKHEADS. IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD?”