Fans Nationwide Wondering If NFL Players COULD STOP ACTING LIKE VIOLENT ASSHOLES FOR ONE GODDAMN DAY?

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Updated: September 12, 2014

AMERICA – Fans of the National Football League, who just two weeks ago were eagerly awaiting a new season’s worth of exciting gridiron action, have instead endured a recent barrage of depressing news and terrible scandals ranging from Ray Rice’s lifetime suspension for domestic abuse, to today’s report of Adrian Peterson’s indictment for child endangerment after allegedly beating a child with a tree branch, leaving many to wonder if THEY CAN JUST GET THROUGH ONE GODDAMN DAY WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT THEIR FAVORITE PLAYERS ACTING LIKE VIOLENT SOCIOPATHS?

No Bad Publicity With Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice

 

“For Christ’s sake, why the hell can’t you assholes act like decent human beings?” lamented American football watchers. “The start of the new season is supposed to be the best time of the year for us fans, and instead EVERY TIME WE CHECK FUCKING FACEBOOK, THERE’S SOME NEW STORY ABOUT AN ASSAULT BEING COMMITTED AGAINST DEFENSELESS WOMEN AND/OR INNOCENT CHILDREN BY ONE OF YOU OVERPAID NEANDERTHALS. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUR GODDAMN SPORTS HEROES, NOT VICIOUS, CRUEL BULLIES!”

 

Added all fans everywhere, “I MEAN, SERIOUSLY. FUCK!”

 

Speaking in unison to defend themselves from the fans’ wrath, Peterson, Rice, Roger Goodell, Ray McDonald, Greg Hardy, Josh Gordon, Jim Irsay, Jerry Jones, and Aldon Smith said, “We understand that people are angry about the rash of scandals this year. But we urge all NFL supporters to exercise caution before leaping to any conclusions…”

 

“SHUT UP. JUST SHUT THE HELL UP,” interrupted fans, whose temper had reached a boiling point. “WE’RE SICK OF JUSTIFICATIONS, EXCUSES, AND HALF-ASSED APOLOGIES. JUST PLAY FUCKING FOOTBALL AND STOP BEVAVING LIKE BRUTAL DICKHEADS. IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD?”

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17 Comments

  1. Jim in NYC

    September 15, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Y’know, when concussions were the issue of the day, people started thinking that they wouldn’t want their sons to play football, because the risk was too high.

    I’ll start this one: I wouldn’t want my daughter to date a football player, because I don’t want her taking the risk that he’ll be one of the guys who can’t turn it off when they come off the field.

  2. Ben Roethlisberger

    September 13, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE NFL PLAYERS HAVE A REPUTATION FOR BEING EXTREMELY VIOLENT, DESPITE THEIR ARREST RATES BEING LOWER THAN AVERAGE BLACK MEN THEIR AGE.

  3. Josh Gordon

    September 13, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    Hey! I am not a violent… woah wait what?

  4. RED

    September 13, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    The comment section is saved! No more unfunny trolls.

  5. UMadBro8

    September 12, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    The comment section is dead what are you commenting? PFM ruined it with this new log in thing.

    • Maverick Mopete

      September 12, 2014 at 10:29 pm

      A small price I’m willing to pay if it can weed out the ‘Guys who whisper “penis,”‘ the Copycats, the HEIL HITLER! spammers, and the other trolls.

      • AnonyMOOSE

        September 13, 2014 at 10:48 am

        yeah I just wish that if they want to make it a more “formal” comments section they would allow you to give thumbs up/ thumbs down to comments.

    • PFM Comments

      September 13, 2014 at 8:50 am

      Nah, the troll commentators who would have boring conversations with themselves and harass everyone ruined it.

      But it’s fine, people will slowly register, and when the trolls act up again they’ll just get banned. They won’t learn I’m sure.

      It’s been nice not to see *whisper vagina* and the 10 comments from different “QBs” that are all obviously from the same unfunny guy. I think the guy that was trolling has some sort of mental disorder.

      • AnonyMOOSE

        September 13, 2014 at 7:32 pm

        The fake QBs were different people. You could tell by the writing styles. And the ways they spelled the names of the players (there were at least five different ways that people spelled “Roethlisberger” when imitating him). I sometimes contributed to the fake convos but only in the beginning when it was actually funny, I agree that the dumbass trolls *coughifhsscough* *coughNamecough* *coughguywhohatesRussellWilsoncough* ruined it and they are probably all just one person who also does guy who whispers penis, girl who whispers vagina, copycat, hitler spam, and moist guy, among others.

        • PFM Comments

          September 14, 2014 at 12:34 am

          He did a few of the fakes as well. You could tell because he’d frequently fail to change the name, and then try to cover it up by accusing the other QB of hacking his account (it looked as dumb as that reads).

          But regardless, a cleaner comments section is a win for all the rest of us. I just hope the FB and intercepted text pieces keep coming and remain funny.

        • toadofsteel

          September 14, 2014 at 5:48 am

          Well, part of the reason they went with this is that you can’t change your name without registering multiple accounts. A dedicated enough troll will eventually do that, but it does make it harder for them.

          I contributed to the fake convos back when they first became a thing (I did a lot of Andrew Lucks and a couple Russel Wilsons), but stopped around the time “Guy who whispers penis” started posting.

          I still thought that those days were actually pretty fun back when it first started. The Star Wars themed one was fairly epic, when I posted a long message in Huttese and signed it “Andy Reid”. But yeah, it was getting out of hand.

          • Russell Wilson (AKA Maverick MoPete)

            September 14, 2014 at 6:46 am

            Actually, you can change your posting name. You edit your Nickname in your Profile, and you can post as that name. (I don’t intend to abuse this, I was just showing it was possible.)

            • AnonyMOOSE

              September 14, 2014 at 6:50 pm

              You probably shouldn’t have posted that comment. Because now people who don’t know that yet will start abusing that and they will do more troll comments.

          • AnonyMOOSE

            September 14, 2014 at 6:59 pm

            My favorite one was “Russia Regrets Putting Tony Romo In Charge Of Olympics Opening Ceremony Ring Display”. I had a lot of comments in there including the classic “I HATE YOU GUYS!!!” from Romo (chronologically the third comment but now its third from the bottom). I was also the one who trolled Wilson as Rogers.

            • Someone

              September 14, 2014 at 10:26 pm

              I also trolled Rogers as Wilson spelling out “Hail Mary” in 8 seemingly classy comments similar to what he did in SeaChamps. Kudos to whoever was Rogers and played along. The fake convos weren’t bad when more than person played along and sometimes it was overkill especially with the Michael Sam/Aaron Rogers gay jokes.

              • AnonyMOOSE

                September 17, 2014 at 4:34 pm

                I was actually also the guy who first created a few of the comment convo gags such as Matt Hasselbeck from an alternate universe. And people caught on to it and used it for a while. I was NOT however the guy who invented the annoying Josh McCown twitter gag.

  6. Maverick Mopete

    September 12, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    Fucking seriously! I know I’d much rather hear about a player’s on-field results rather than his off-the-field bullshit!

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