Falcons To Start Queen Elizabeth At Outside Linebacker In London Game

Updated: October 24, 2014

LONDON – In an effort to drum up local fans’ interest in their game this weekend against the Detroit Lions at Wembley Stadium, as well as shore up a porous defense currently ranked 30th in the NFL, the Atlanta Falcons today signed British monarch Queen Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor to a three-year contract, and plan to start the 88-year old royal matriarch at outside linebacker on Sunday, head coach Mike Smith confirmed during a morning press conference.


“We’re pleased to welcome Her Majesty to our roster, and I’m excited about the playmaking ability and nasty attitude she brings to our squad,” Smith told reporters. “She may be up there in years, but don’t let that fool you. She’s got to be pretty darn tough to have remained in power for  as long as she has, what with all the rebels and usurpers who are constantly trying to overthrow her. At least, that’s what ‘Game of Thrones’ has led me to believe.”


According to reports, her Majesty enjoyed a successful, albeit controversial debut practice with her new teammates.


“Well, she certainly was flying around the field, tackling anyone that came near her,” Smith later told reporters. “Unfortunately, despite several warnings, she insisted upon always hitting by leading with her crown, and as a result I now have my entire receiving squad hospitalized with puncture wounds in their chests.”

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  1. DangerRuss

    October 27, 2014 at 10:00 am

    I was not aware that Her Majesty had guns like that. You can tell she works out. Only question I have is why is she wearing the game jersey and pads for practice when the rest of the players have shirts and shorts without pads? Also, I goota believe Goodell is salivating over the opportunity to fine her booko-buckos for non-regulation equipment. Who wears the crown jewels (not to mention the necklace) while playing football. The NFL coffers are about to increase by a couple thousand pounds.

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