NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: WACK LIKE ME

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Updated: August 12, 2013

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MATT STAFFORD

Great news everyone. THE LIONS ARE ALL ALONE IN FIRST PLACE IN THE NFC NORTH!

Stupid Fans Who Put Way Too Much Stock in the Preseason like this

MATT STAFFORD

Looks like this could finally be our year. RT if you agree.

JAY CUTLER

Seriously, Stafford? You’re bragging about winning a stupid preseason game?

MATT STAFFORD

Why not? We all know the preseason is a highly accurate indicator for what the regular season will be like

The 2008 Lions who went 4-0 in the preseason, only to finish the regular season 0-16 strongly disagree with this.

PEYTON MANNING

The best part of the Lions-Jets game was seeing Mark Sanchez throw a Pick-6 on his very first series.

TOM BRADY

Congrats on already being in mid-season form Sanchez

MARK SANCHEZ

I’M SICK OF YOU ASSHOLES TEASING ME. I’M NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS YOU…

ELI MANNING

???

DREW BREES

What happened to the rest of his response?

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Someone intercepted it.

MATT STAFFORD

Well, I’d like to congratulate YouTube star Havard “Kickalicious” Rugland on his excellent game. He’s got a good chance to make our roster!

AARON RODGERS

Yeah, you two should go great together. “Kickalicious” and “Suck-a-lottus”

JOE FLACCO

LOL

MATT RYAN

ROFL

RILEY COOPER

HAHA. WHAT A BUNCH OF JIVE TURKEYS.

PHILIP RIVERS

Um… Riley Cooper? Is that you?

RILEY COOPER

SHO’ THING, HOMEBOY.

ANDY DALTON

Why does your profile picture look all…. weird?

RILEY COOPER

Pretty cool huh? Coach Kelly told me I need to make amends for the N-bomb I dropped a couple of weeks ago. So I'm trying to assimilate into the African-American community

MATT SCHAUB

BY WEARING BLACKFACE?!?!

RILEY COOPER

Yep. And this sweet Jheri-curl afro wig

Paula Deen, Michael Richards, and Mel Gibson like this

RILEY COOPER

It's really given me insight into how judgmental people can be. You wouldn't believe some of the looks I've gotten today.

CARSON PALMER

COOPER THAT IS ** INCREDIBLY ** RACIST

RILEY COOPER

Oh really? And I suppose you think it’s racist to try and gain a better understanding of black culture by walking around town wearing this outfit and singing “We shall overcome?”

TONY ROMO

YES! YES IT IS!

DREW BREES

IT’S UNBELIEVABLY, UNFORGIVABLY RACIST.

ANDREW LUCK

Folks, we disavow all association with Riley Cooper and his bigoted ways.

ELI MANNING

And the entire rest of the Eagles roster too, just to be safe.

MATT SCHAUB

Look, we can all agree that Riley Cooper is a mouth-breathing racist douchegoblin. Let’s move on to discussing MY Texans’ spectacular 4th quarter comeback against Christian Ponder and his Vikettes.

MATT SCHAUB

SEVENTEEN UNANSWERED POINTS IN THE SECOND HALF, WHOOOO!

CHRISTIAN PONDER

To be clear Schaub, you only played in the first half. The one where we outscored you 13-10.

MATT SCHAUB

That just proves how valuable I am. If we hadn’t lost that first half, we never would have made the crucial halftime adjustments necessary to whip your ass.

CHRISTIAN PONDER

ALL THAT GAME PROVED IS THAT YOUR 4th STRINGERS ARE BETTER THAN OUR 4th STRINGERS

PEYTON MANNING

And all of them are better than the Jaguars’ starters.

RGIII

Well my Redskins won our game despite not having a quarterback in the starting lineup.

KIRK COUSINS

You know damn well that * I * started that game, Griffin

RGIII

Like I said, my Redskins won our game despite not having a quarterback in the starting lineup.

PHILIP RIVERS

LOL

ANDREW LUCK

So how's your leg feeling Robert?

RGIII

My leg feels great! Dr. Andrews says I'm on pace to start the season opener.

BRANDON WEEDEN

And how about your lingering concussion symptoms?

RGIII

My leg feels great! Dr. Andrews says I'm on pace to start the season opener.

JOSH FREEMAN

Geez, isn't this bit played out yet?

COLIN KAEPERNICK

What bit?

JOSH FREEMAN

The bit where Griffin’s concussion makes him say the same thing over and over when someone asks him a question like, “How’s your leg feeling?”

RGIII

My leg feels great! Dr. Andrews says I'm on pace to start the season opener.

JOSH FREEMAN

GAH

E.J. MANUEL

I hope all you old-timers saw me LIGHT IT UP in my first game as a Bill?

TOM BRADY

You completed 16 passes, and gained a whopping 107 yards, rookie.

TONY ROMO

My god, I could spike the ball 16 times in a row and gain more yards than that.

E.J. MANUEL

Doesn’t matter. WE WON THE GAME.

E.J. MANUEL

I AM YOUR ANSWER, BUFFALO!

JOE FLACCO

Only if the question is, “Who will win this year’s “JaMarcus Russell Award For The Year’s Biggest Draft Bust?”

PHILIP RIVERS

LOL

ELI MANNING

ROFL

RILEY COOPER

FO’ SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE

VINCE YOUNG

Hey, I'm back in the NFL everyone!

JAY CUTLER

Haha. Good one, Young.

VINCE YOUNG

No, seriously, I am.

ALEX SMITH

As what? A popcorn vendor?

VINCE YOUNG

EAT A DICK. Green Bay signed me to be Aaron Rodger’s backup.

PEYTON MANNING

Green Bay gave a contract to YOUR washed up ass? Geez, what did they offer you?

JAY CUTLER

A warm bed and a hot meal, I’m guessing.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE VINCE YOUNG LOST ALL HIS MONEY AND IS BASICALLY A HOBO.

AARON RODGERS

SHUT YOUR DUNG-GUZZLING MOUTH, YOUNG.

AARON RODGERS

YOU THINK I WANT EVERYONE KNOWING THAT MY BACKUP IS A BROKEN DOWN, HAS-BEEN, RUBBERARMED FUCKJOB LIKE YOU?

VINCE YOUNG

NOT COOL, AARON. I bet there are some people who would love to see me running the Packers’ offense

MATT SCHAUB

Who are, “The Lions, Vikings, and Bears?”

TOM BRADY

Hey, quit complaining Rodgers. Trust me, the absolute BEST insurance for a QB’s job security is to have a worthless, shitty backup.

Mark Sanchez likes this

SAM BRADFORD

That's right Aaron. You know what they say: you should never fuck a gift horse in the mouth

MATT RYAN

THAT IS *NOT* HOW THAT PHRASE GOES BRADFORD.

SAM BRADFORD

Oh, sorry. My bad.

SAM BRADFORD

You know what they say: you should ALWAYS fuck a gift horse in the mouth.

CAM NEWTON

No Bradford, you’re not supposed to fuck any kind of horse, in the mouth or anywhere else.

SAM BRADFORD

Geez, you sound just like that uptight security guard at the petting zoo.

PHILIP RIVERS

LOL

RYAN TANNEHILL

ROFL

RILEY COOPER

HAHA. WHITE PEOPLE BE CRAZY

BARRY SWITZER

‘Sup, y’all?

PHILIP RIVERS

Former Cowboys head coach Barry Switzer?

BARRY SWITZER

You fellas hear about my good deed over the weekend? I rescued a dying dog from a locked car.

ANDREW LUCK

Sure did. That’s actually a very heartwarming story, Coach Switzer.

BARRY SWITZER

Yep. I just can’t bear to see an animal suffer. So I saved the poor little thing, named her “Sassy,” and found a sweet, caring family to adopt her and give her a loving home.

MICHAEL VICK

And they in turn sold her to me for 20 bucks

BARRY SWITZER

Goddammit.

ELI MANNING

So let me guess Vick. You tied the puppy to an oak tree with fishing wire and used it for crossbow target practice?

MICHAEL VICK

OF COURSE NOT. DON’T BE RIDICULOUS

MICHAEL VICK

I stapled it to the tree. You know, to cut down on the squirming

BARRY SWITZER

YOU STAPLED POOR LITTLE SASSY TO AN OAK TREE?

MICHAEL VICK

Yes, but I renamed her “Bullseye.”

CAM NEWTON

That’s awful!

CHRISTIAN PONDER

How terrible!

RILEY COOPER

THAT SHIT IS WACK, YO.

ANDY DALTON

HOW’D YOU ASS-WAFFLES LIKE WATCHING ME ON HBO’S "HARD KNOCKS" THIS WEEK?

PEYTON MANNING

Whoop-de-shit. It’s a well-known fact that doing an HBO show is a huge jinx

JAY CUTLER

Just ask Robb Stark

VINCE YOUNG

Hey, hey! How about a SPOILER ALERT? I’m still in the middle of season one.

JOE FLACCO

Too bad your career isn’t.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

HE’S SAYING THAT VINCE YOUNG WAS ONLY GOOD DURING HIS FIRST NFL SEASON.

BENJARVUS GREEN-ELLIS

Well personally, I’m thrilled to be a part of the Hard Knocks series

TOM BRADY

STFU Green-Ellis. You’ll probably end up getting cut in week 9 anyway.

JAY CUTLER

Again, just like Robb Stark.

VINCE YOUNG

GODDAMMIT.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Well I guess we should be wrapping this up.

TONY ROMO

We’re ending the convo already?

ALEX SMITH

Wow, this sure does feel like a short one.

TOM BRADY

Ooh, I know that question. “What is, ‘Things said by every woman who’s ever had Drew Brees’ penis inside her’”

PEYTON MANNING

It’s a trick question! No woman has ever had Drew Brees’ penis inside her.

DREW BREES

For your information, I'm married with three kids.

MATT RYAN

All of whom look like me.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

MATT RYAN IS CLAIMING TO HAVE EJACULATED HIS SPERM INSIDE DREW BREES’ WIFE AT LEAST THREE TIMES.

ELI MANNING

I’m just looking forward to the end of this boring-ass preseason

AARON RODGERS

Yep. I can’t think of nine more beautiful words in the English language than “The regular season starts in just four more weeks.”

RUSSELL WILSON

What is, “Golden Tate is ruled to have possession. Touchdown Seahawks?”

AARON RODGERS

I WILL SUPER GLUE DOG FUR TO YOUR FACE, NAIL A TAIL INTO YOUR ASS, AND PUT YOU IN A BASKET ON MICHAEL VICK’S DOORSTEP WILSON!

NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: WACK LIKE ME

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