Good morning folks. I'm Andrew Siciliano, host of the phenomenally popular “Red Zone Channel.”
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As you know, each week on the Red Zone, we cut out all the boring parts of every NFL game and take you directly to the best action.
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Today we're taking that patented Red Zone technology to the NFL QBs on Facebook.
So let's get right to it by taking you to the Packers-Ravens recap, where Joe Flacco is about to receive his first snap:
FLACCO, YOUR MOMMA IS SO STUPID, SHE THINKS A TWO-POINT CONVERSION IS WHAT THE DOCTOR DID DURING HER BOOB ENHANCEMENT
Jerk off with a cheese grater, Rodgers.
Oh poor Flaccluster. Are you still sore after that prison shanking my Packers gave your little Ratbirds yesterday?
That win was so impressive, I think I’ll award myself a third “A” to my name.
Which makes you “JOE FFFFFFLACCO.” HAHAHA.
EAT A KIELBASA SIZED DICK. Yesterday, I threw for more yards then you, and more touchdowns than you. But unlike you, I didn’t throw an interception!
Yes, but unlike you, I actually have a Super Bowl MVP trophy.
I JUST WON THE SUPER BOWL MVP TROPHY EIGHT MONTHS AGO!
I don’t remember that.
Not ringing any bells.
Flacco, stop making shit up you non elite liar.
Let's cut away from this to take you now to the Tom Brady/Drew Brees convo, already in progress.
... BECAUSE THAT PASS WAS SO GOOD, IT MADE EVERY CHICK IN THE LOWER LEVELS OF GILLETTE STADIUM PREGNANT!
GET RAPED WITH A CHAINSAW, BRADY!
Oh Poor Breetard. Your team’s so-called “defense” did such a good job of keeping me without a TD pass for the first 59:50 of that game.
SO THOSE LAST TEN SECONDS MUST’VE REALLY HURT, HUH? HAHAHA WHOOOO
BLOW ME! We would’ve won that game if only I had a tight end on the field.
I was on the field.
Really? Because you COULDA FOOLED ME, MISTER NO-CATCH!
Yep, ol’ Tommy Gunn did it AGAIN, Delivered an improbable victory with a rag-tag group of no-name receivers.
Danny Amendola, Kenbrell Thompkins, and Aaron Dobson, I’m proud of each of you!
You forgot me Tom
Did I? You mean the way you FORGET TO RETURN MY HIGH FIVE?!?!?!
NO ONE LEAVES TOM BRADY HANGING YOU WORTHLESS TWATBADGER!
As punishment for your unforgivable slight, I now get to have sex with your wife after practice this Wednesday.
I’m not married.
THEN YOU HAVE TWO DAYS TO MARRY SOME SKANK FOR ME TO BANG
And FYI, I prefer big busty blondes.
Isn’t your wife slender with light brown hair?
What’s your point?
DAMMIT. We were SO CLOSE to beating that stupid smug asshole to go to 6-0
Thank god we have no real competition for our division title, or I’d really be pissed.
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MATT RYAN just punched a fist through his computer screen
Quickly, we’re going to cut away from here to take you to the Steelers-Jets conversation, where Ben Roethlisberger is explaining a Jay Cutler’s Mom joke.
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…HE’S SAYING THAT JAY CUTLER’S MOTHER’S VAGINA IS BIDDING TO BE THE HOST CITY FOR THE 2018 SUPER BOWL!
BUT THAT ASIDE, MY STEELERS FINALLY GOT THEIR FIRST WIN BY CRUSHING THE JETS!
Die painfully Roethlisberger.
HA HA HA JEENO SMITH. MY TEAM BEAT YOUR TEAM AND I PASSED FOR MORE YARDS THAN YOU.
PLUS I SNUCK OVER TO YOUR SIDELINE AND JERKED OFF INTO YOUR FAPPIN’ BUCKET.
You jerked off into the what?
You know. The big Fappin’ bucket that every team keeps on the sidelines.
Ben, we’ve been over this. That’s a Gatorade bucket.
YES! WHAT DID YOU THINK THE BIG LETTER “G” ON THE SIDE STOOD FOR?
I just assumed the obvious. That it stood for “Go ahead and fap here.”
JESUS CHRIST, I DRANK LIKE FIVE CUPS OF THAT
While Geno Smith vomits up a disgusting mixture of Lemon-Lime Gatorade mixed with millions of brain-damaged little sperm, let’s check in with Peyton Manning who’s calmly discussing his Broncos win over the Jacksonville Jaguars
WE ONLY BEAT THE JAGUARS BY 16 MOTHERFUCKING POINTS!
Wow, poor sport much Manning? I suppose you were hoping to crush us by 50?
No, whoever you are, you don’t understand. I’m happy we only won by 16 because I BET THE JAGUARS
You bet against your own team?
With a 28-point spread? HELL YEAH
Look, my 2013 salary is only $19,200,00 million. And I’m only adding another 20 or 30 mill per year in endorsements.
I NEED TO MAKE ENDS MEET SOMEHOW.
So I bet 150 big ones on the Jaguars, took the points, and kept the score close-ish. EASY MONEY, BITCHES.
PETE ROSE, MICHAEL JORDAN, and ART SCHLICTER like this
So that terrible interception you threw that got returned for a touchdown was intentional?
OBVIOUSLY. I don’t throw pick-6’s for real. Who do I look like, Matt Schaub?
No, he’s got about a foot less forehead than you. Yet somehow, you still have more hair than him.
I can’t believe you won $150, 000 betting on your own team
What? No. I won 150 nickels.
You call a nickel a “big one?”
Compared to pennies and dimes, yes.
So you won, like, $7.50?
Yep. NOW I CAN BUY THAT ANDREW LUCK JERSEY AS A DOORMAT FOR MY MANSION
Not to interrupt Mr. Manning, but an officially licensed NFL jersey costs upwards of $89.99
Not after my Broncos horsecock-whip you next Sunday and you get benched. Then those jerseys will be in BARGAIN BIN CITY.
As the first half of our convo winds down, let’s take our first peek today at Tony Romo and RGIII as they compare notes on last night’s Cowboys-Redskins matchup
HAHAHA. ROBERT GRIFFIN THE 3rd LOST TO TONY ROMO THE BOSS. WOOT-WOOT!
Aww, don’t feel bad Griffin. One day, you’ll have as many wins as “I”s in your name. HAHAHA.
I HOPE YOUR DICK GETS CAUGHT IN A ZIPPER, ROMO
Everyone keeps saying that I can’t beat good teams. That I choke against quality opponenents.
Well someday I’ll prove them wrong, But in the meantime, IT SURE WAS FUN TO BEAT THE REDSKINS. HAHAHA.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I can't win a game like that when my bumbling squad of witless teammates keeps committing dumbass penalties!
TOO BAD, SIR GIMPS-A-LOT. You idiots drew more yellow flags last night than Betsy Ross with a raging case of jaundice!
HE’S SAYING THAT… actually, I have no idea what that means.
Wait, so we’re back to using yellow flags now instead of the pink ones? THEN HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO STOP BREAST CANCER?
Don’t get too cocky, Romo. You still have to face your greatest rival later on this season.
Diminutive NBC Sportscaster Bob Costas?
I’m calling a halftime in this convo so I can deliver another on of my patented BOB COSTAS EDITORIALS!
What is it this time? Guns?
Unfair working conditions in the Wonka factory?
BECAUSE BOB COSTAS IS AS SHORT AS AN OOMPA LOOMPA, YOU SEE.
No, no, and fuck you.
Today, I am here to demand that we NO LONGER use that horribly inappropriate term when speaking about the Washington team.
Oh, you're talking about the name "Redskins?"
No. The term “Professionals”
IT’S AN INSULTING COMPARISON TO TALENTED FOOTBALL PLAYERS EVERYWHERE
Quickly, let's take you to the Eagles-Tampa Bay discussion, where Nick Foles and Michael Vick are calmly discussing the starting QB job.
... SO KISS YOUR STARTER'S JOB GOODBYE VICK, YOU GREASY BAG OF OGRE SEMEN!
HAHA. WHILE YOU WERE SITTING ON THE BENCH NURSING YOUR POOR WIDDLE HAMSTRING, I WAS TOSSING 3 TD’S TO BEAT THE BUCCANEERS!
Foles you dumb shit. I only pretended to be injured so that you would start against the Bucaneers instead of me.
You think I want anyone from that diseased leper colony of a team coming anywhere near me?
Just because a few members of the Bucs have staph infections doesn’t mean they’re disease ridden.
“Staph infections?” Please. That’s what they WANT you to believe .
Truth is, that entire roster is turning into FLESH EATING ZOMBIES!
JOSH FREEMAN SUCKS!!!! ALSO, BRAINS!!!!!
AAAAH. THE BUCCANEERS HAVE BECOME THE WALKING DEAD!
But enough about their playoff chances.
Let’s join the Rams-Texans convo where Sam Bradford is currently making a connection
... it's kind of like getting a golden shower from an elderly Amish minister while simultaneously toe-banging a constipated giraffe.
I really don’t think that’s what a four yard screen pass is like at all.
MOTHER FUCKER! WE LOST TO THE RAMS?!?! DAMMITT MATT SCHAUB YOU SUCK!
OW! OW OW OW! I INJURED MY ANKLE!
YAYYYY! SCHAUB IS HURT! WHOO-HOOOO!
Who whoa, that is NOT cool! You fans should never, EVER cheer for an injury.
Really? Here’s a .gif of the Seahawks kicker getting TRUCKED by a special teams blocker:
Okay, just this one time. HAHAHAH THAT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS! WHOOO!
Thank GOD T.J. Yates has >finally replaced Matt Schaub in the lineup. FOUR WEEKS IN A ROW WITH A PICK 6 IS TOO MANY.
(promptly throws pick-6)
Now let’s get you over to the Seahawks-Titans convo where Aaron Rodgers is congratulating Russell Wilson on yet another fine performance.
…WITH A BLOWTORCH AND A RUSTY SCREWDRIVER, WILSON!
BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS.
BEAST MODE WIN AGAIN, LEAD DIVISION. CRUSH TENNESSEE.
Oh shut up. We almost had you. We just couldn't hold our halftime lead
PUNY RYAN FITZPATRICK NOT POSSESS INTESTINAL FORTITUDE TO FINISH GAME STRONG. THAT WHERE BEST MODE SHINE BRIGHTEST.
BEAST MODE AMASSED OVER 150 YARDS TOTAL OFFENSE. SCORE TWICE. SMASH PUNY TITANS
Isn’t “puny Titans” an oxymoron?
No, an "oxymoron" is Ben Roethlisberger applying zit cream to his face.
BEAST MODE AND RUSSELL WILSON FORM DYNAMIC COMBINATION. TOGETHER, CAN'T LOSE.
Don't be so sure there meathead. I can think of LOTS of things Russell Wilson can't do.
He can't see over the line of scrimmage. He can't reach the top shelf in the pantry closet. He can't ride the big boy roller coaster at the carnival.
He can't lose at home, apparently.
WILSON, I WILL...
Let’s interrupt Aaron Rodger's murderous rage to take you to Alex Smith and his breakdown of the Kansas City win over the Raiders
WHAT? WHAT DID THAT GUY SAY?
I COULDN’T HEAR WHAT HE SAID? DID ANYONE ELSE HEAR HIM?
Wait a minute. Is that a “big ears” joke? NOT COOL.
I WILL SHOVE A DIRECT TV REMOTE SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU’LL BE ABLE TO CHANGE CHANNELS JUST BY BLINKING, ALEX SMITH!
What? No. Calm down, Dumbo. I’m referring to the fact that the Chiefs fans BROKE THE RECORD FOR LOUDEST CROWD NOISE YESTERDAY.
Now we’re 6-0 and on a ROLL. Next stop, Super Bowl, bitches
HAHAHAHA. Oh Smith, you're adorable. That little 6-0 record of yours is cute, but let's be real.
PEYTON FUCKING MANNING will win the AFC West this year. Your little red tomato team is just fighting for wild card scraps.
Keep flapping those gums, ForeheadStein. Next month my Chiefs will embarrass you so bad you'll swear it's one of your epic playoff collapses.
Right, right. Because any team coached by Andy Reid has a right to talk shit about playoff failure.
That's all we have time for on this week's Red Zone Convo. Thank you for joining us
Wait, what? How can you have a whole convo called the "Red Zone" and NOT give a line to the GINGER NINJA?
I had 3 TDs and over 300 yards yesterday for Christ's sake!
Sorry Andrew. But in the interest of time, we tried to limit the convo to just quarterbacks people actually give a shit about.
Then in the interest of lick my balls, maybe I should limit all future convo hosting duties to sportscasters whose head DOESN'T resemble a Volkswagon beetle with the car doors open.
THAT ONE ACTUALLY WAS A BIG EAR JOKE
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October 20, 2013 at 9:54 pm
I CANNOT WAIT for Peyton vs Luck tomorrow. Can’t wait to see Peyton’s reaction, as well as Brady’s reaction to losing to a Rookie
October 20, 2013 at 3:25 pm
They need to go back to the ” ‘sup?” Like the originals
October 17, 2013 at 8:24 pm
ginger ninja- Copyright The Miz with Conan
October 17, 2013 at 7:31 pm
This has been the worst week to read so far other then that they have had me rofl
October 16, 2013 at 5:33 pm
Keep it going…these are hilarious and all my friends are now hooked to these.
October 16, 2013 at 9:26 am
I love this QB´s convos, they are hilarious!! Keep the good job!! I´ve recommended the “NFL QBs” to a lot of friends since last year I found this site.
October 16, 2013 at 8:47 am
This one had style. I approve. Gotta keep it fresh.
October 16, 2013 at 8:36 am
I’m surprised they actually included a Jaguars QB for once.
October 16, 2013 at 7:37 am
Why is there nothing about Josh Freeman or Matt Cassel?
October 15, 2013 at 1:55 pm
i agree to the idea that you guys should wait to post these on Tuesdays….i want to hear Luck crying today! It’s the only thing that gives me peace after another hurtful Texans’ loss. oh and the pic for the Texans fans can be so much better!!!
October 15, 2013 at 11:56 am
Keep em coming guys, great job!
October 15, 2013 at 11:53 am
Bwahahahahaah, I feel honored to be featured on an ‘NFL QBs on FB’ but to be fair, I don’t swear like that!
October 15, 2013 at 9:26 am
Tom Brady saying that every girl in the lower bowl got pregnant cause his thow was so good was awesome. LMAO
October 15, 2013 at 9:17 am
How about you fix the part where you have the wrong host of Red Zone. Scott Hansen is the host of the REAL RZ!
October 15, 2013 at 9:12 am
Just another term for “your mom”
October 15, 2013 at 7:02 am
What the hell is a “Fap Bucket’?
October 15, 2013 at 5:22 am
Vick pretending to be hurt to avoid the Bucs leper colony was hilarious.
October 15, 2013 at 5:17 am
Ace as always – Fappin bucket had me laughing for 5 solid.
October 15, 2013 at 2:40 am
i crapped my pants….fap bucket…damn that was funny….also bears sucks balls
October 14, 2013 at 10:48 pm
love how u put peyton fucking manning and tom brady up on the pedestal. of course they’re elite so its the only place for them. i do agree with the comment made a few weeks ago; wait to post these on tuesdays after the monday nite game.
October 14, 2013 at 9:11 pm
This one really started off slow, but started to get good from the Romo/RG3 part. Also, I just love it when Bradford is featured. And Big Ben and Russel Wilson always have me in stitches (especially Wilson).
October 14, 2013 at 8:38 pm
Anonymous, there already is an intercepted texts with them.
October 14, 2013 at 8:28 pm
We need more Carson Palmer and Colin Kaepernick
October 14, 2013 at 8:18 pm
Wilson v Rodgers is by far the best thing in this! I want an intercepted texts for them.
October 14, 2013 at 7:26 pm
Zombie Greg Schiano probably had the line of the year in that one.
October 14, 2013 at 5:14 pm
Bradford kills me, and Stafford ‘I really don’t think that’s what a 4 yard screen pass is like at all’. Made me laugh for a good 5 minutes.
October 14, 2013 at 4:59 pm
Bradford has me rolling.
October 14, 2013 at 4:07 pm
Where the hell are my niners bragging to the cardinals about that win?! Kaepernick was supposed to be yelling at the cardinals with frank gore and Vernon Davis!!!!
October 14, 2013 at 4:00 pm
My god anyone complaining needs to join Bradford for a family dinner.
October 14, 2013 at 2:56 pm
i mean one
October 14, 2013 at 2:55 pm
this ine was not as good as the other ones. take out andrew sicliIano so all the qbs talk together
October 14, 2013 at 2:42 pm
the fapping bucket was the only really funny part. That was hilarious, but the rest was lacking. These are getting really stale and you just keep sticking with the same jokes over and over.
October 14, 2013 at 2:09 pm
These guys must be giants fans
October 14, 2013 at 2:07 pm
This one sucked!
October 14, 2013 at 1:59 pm
Started slow, but the payoff was well worth it.
(insert Jay Cutler mother joke here)
October 14, 2013 at 1:38 pm
Nah, 1 line troll comments from Wilson is where it’s at. The two liner was pretty funny where he said “Hail Mary.” I was a little nervous there would be an Adrian joke. Glad they didnt go that far.
October 14, 2013 at 1:08 pm
This was the worst one yet. They are usually hilarious. This one just sucked. Very disappointing.
October 14, 2013 at 12:35 pm
No mention of Eli’s chase for the single season pick record..? There is actually a reason to watch Giants games this year…
October 14, 2013 at 12:28 pm
LOL Funny again!
October 14, 2013 at 12:13 pm
Keep them coming!! Great job!
October 14, 2013 at 12:08 pm
We don’t have Rodgers or Smith yelling at Kaepernick
October 14, 2013 at 11:59 am
Reynaud was the ball carrier, not a blocker on the Hauschka play
October 14, 2013 at 11:58 am
lol Zombie Greg Schiano
October 14, 2013 at 11:57 am
love these but lots of typos this week also needed some Elisha bashing.
October 14, 2013 at 11:34 am
Scott Hanson’s the host of Red Zone.
October 14, 2013 at 11:29 am
Melody the Queen of Cheese
October 14, 2013 at 11:22 am
Now that was flippin funny!!!!! I looking forward to Mondays… Keep it the AWESOME work..
October 14, 2013 at 11:14 am
Nothing about Eli manning
October 14, 2013 at 10:20 am
This was funny. The Wilson typo, on first read, almost seemed that Wilson was mocking Rodgers’ typical response to his snarky one-liners. Bit of a break in character, but maybe having Wilson mock Rodger’s rants could be a funny spin for a future chat..? (shameless idea plug)
October 14, 2013 at 10:05 am
KEEP THEM COMING!!!!!
October 14, 2013 at 9:59 am
Er, Anonymous, I think that’s deliberate. As Rothesberger might put it: YOU SEE THEY HAVE WILSON STARTING ROGERS’S COMMENT BECAUSE HE’S ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD!!
October 14, 2013 at 9:49 am
We didn’t need the big-eared cock goblin. It was … meh with him. I did like the fapping bucket, though.
October 14, 2013 at 9:47 am
I need more fucked up Bradford shit…
October 14, 2013 at 9:43 am
Must say this one was a lil dissapointing
October 14, 2013 at 9:41 am
I am a browns fan and you didn’t mention Brandon Weeden’s derp-a-thon?
October 14, 2013 at 9:27 am
“nice” as usual but will u correct the name for Rodgers’ line “WILSON, I WILL…”, it seems Russel yells to himself…
Fix the part where Aaron Rodgers is starting to threaten Russell Wilson before being cut off (where it says “WILSON, I WILL…”) You have at Wilson instead of Rodgers.
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