It's that time of year again, bitches. FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT SEASON!
Like . Comment . Share . 4 hours ago
Which means it’s time for our official “NFL QBs FANTASY DRAFT”
4 hours ago . Like
LAME. Fantasy football is a stupid game for losers, dorks, and virgins
Ooh, did someone say fantasy football?
Count me in!
Before we start, there are three rules to the draft:
RULE #1: We draft QUARTERBACKS ONLY!
RULE #2: You can NOT draft yourself!
RULE #3: PAY ATTENTION! Nothing annoys me more than those idiots who are like, “hurr, durr, has anyone drafted Drew Brees yet?”
I thought nothing annoyed you more than David Tyree.
SHUT UP. We’re drafting in order of physical attractiveness, starting with the ugliest, most revolting QBs and working our way up.
Andrew Luck, you have the first pick.
Gosh, thanks Mr. Brady! I’m really looking forward to competing against all you talented fellows. Good luck everyone!
Less brownnosing, more drafting, broccoli-head.
Okay. I’ll take Drew Brees.
GREAT use of the top pick, Luck. That hideous face of yours finally came in handy.
Brees, you’re up next.
Wait, WHAT? How am I the second ugliest QB?
Whatever. I’ll take Tom Brady
OUTSTANDING pick. Flacco, you’re next
Hmmmm. Has anyone picked Drew Brees yet?
Goddammit Flacco, I JUST finished warning you to pay attention!
Just for that, you get a “not-paying-attention” penalty. You have to draft Mark Sanchez.
NO! THAT’S NOT FAIR. NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE STUCK WITH MARK SANCHEZ AS THEIR TEAM’S QUARTERBACK.
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Jets Fans agree with this
Fine. Then you get Jake Locker instead. Roethlisberger, you’re up.
I’LL TAKE ADRIAN PETERSON
Oh for fuck’s sake. Roethlisberger, I JUST TOLD YOU THAT WE’RE ONLY DRAFTING QBs!
Yes, but then you awarded Jake Locker as a pick, so I figured that rule had been waived
YOU SEE, I’M SAYING THAT JAKE LOCKER IS SO BAD HE DOESN’T EVEN QUALIFY AS A REAL QB.
Shut up. Your penalty is that you get Blaine Gabbert. Keapernick, you’re next.
I’ll take Alex Smith
Wow, that’s a TERRIBLE pick. You won't win many fantasy football games that way.
Who gives a shit about fantasy football? I just want Alex Smith on my team so I can bench him. AGAIN.
I HOPE YOU GET A HANGNAIL, KAEPERNICK!
Next up: Sam Bradford
I’ll take Brandon Weeden
Yet another surprising pick
What can I say? I have a thing for Cleveland Steamers.
SAM BRADFORD IS COMPARING BRANDON WEEDEN TO A SEX ACT IN WHICH YOU SQUAT DOWN AND TAKE A BIG POOP RIGHT ON SOMEONE’S….
That’ll do, Ben.
The Manning brothers are next. First Eli, Then Peyton.
3 hours ago . Like
I’ll take Peyton Manning.
I’ll take Eli Manning.
LAME. It figures the two Manning morons would want to be on each other's team.
For what it’s worth, I’d be happy to trade away my son, Cooper.
Why would you have Cooper Manning on your fantasy team?
What fantasy team?
ENOUGH. E.J.Manuel, you’re next.
I’ll draft Cam Newton.
Big mistake. Shoulda picked me instead
(begins warming up arm)
KID, YOU PULL THAT “WARMING UP YOUR ARM” BULLSHIT WITH ME AGAIN THIS YEAR AND I’LL WARM UP MY ARM BY TEARING OUT YOUR PARENTS’ LUNGS AND STOMPING ON THEM WITH MY CLEATS WHILE YOU WATCH.
NEWTON! You can threaten to kill childrens’ families later. This is draft time. You’re up, Aaron Rodgers
HAHAHAHAHA. Oh you stupid, stupid sons of bitches. Get ready because I’m about to get the STEAL OF THE DRAFT!
With the 10th pick, I will take the one, the only, the MIGHTY AARON RODGERS. HAHAHA. JUST GIVE ME THAT CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY NOW.
You can’t pick yourself, dumbfuck.
What? When was that rule made?
AT THE TOP OF THE CONVERSATION!
BUT I DON'T READ THAT PART. I USUALLY JUST SKIP DOWN LOOKING FOR THE RUSSELL WILSON LINES.
Well now you get the “tried-to-pick-yourself” penalty: The next guy in the draft order gets to make your pick for you.
What?! So who’s the next guy in the draft order?
He selects Russell Wilson.
What? NO! FUCK, NO!!!
Too late. It’s in the books.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I AM NOT GOING TO SPEND ALL YEAR HAVING TO ROOT FOR THAT PUNY LITTLE SHIT AS MY FANTASY QB. THAT IS LITERALLY THE WORST THING I COULD EVER POSSIBLY IMAGINE.
Now it’s your pick Wilson.
I’ll take Aaron Rodgers.
WILSON, I WILL PURPOSELY THROW THREE OR FOUR PICKS EACH GAME THIS SEASON AS PART OF A STRATEGY I WILL CALL “OPERATION: SABOTAGE-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-RUSSELL-WILSON’S-FANTASY-TEAM!””
Brandon Weeden just calls that “Sunday.”
You’re up, Dalton
I don’t know who to pick.
Can I just point out that I am one of the highest rated QBs in fantasy football year in and year out?
ROMO, I WOULD RATHER DRINK A JUMBO-SIZED SMOOTHIE MADE WITH THE LIPSOSUCTIONED FAT FROM REX RYAN’S ASSCHEEKS THAN HAVE YOU AS MY FANTASY QUARTERBACK.
I’ll take Ben Roethlisberger.
Fine. Next up is Christian Pounder
My last name is Ponder.
No one cares. Who do you pick?
Is Drew Brees still available?
GODDAMN YOU, PLUNDER.
Just for that, you get a penalty. Mark Sanchez is your QB.
NO! THAT’S NOT FAIR. MARK SANCHEZ IS THE WORST QB IN THE NFL BY FAR.
Trust us, we can think of another one who’s almost as bad.
Fine. You don’t get Sanchez. Instead, you get Ryan Tannehill.
Ooh, that’s the steal of the draft right there. GO DOLPHINS!
Your turn, Weeden.
I’ll take Robert Griffin III.
Big mistake, Weeden. If you want the Redskins’ starting QB, you shoulda picked me.
But they say that RGIII will be back for the season opener.
Yeah, well “they” don’t know how I’ve planted a poisonous Brazilian scorpion inside Griffin's knee brace.
Go, Matt Flynn
2 hours ago . Like
I’ll take Matt Ryan
Go, Matt Ryan
I’ll take Matt Stafford
Go, Matt Stafford
I’ll take Matt Schaub
Go, Matt Schaub
I’ll take Matt Flynn
Geez, there sure are a lot of Matts in the NFL
2 hours ago . Like .
Matt Cassel, Matt Hasselbeck, and Matt Barkley like this
And they’re all Dicks.
You’re next, Sanchez
I’ll take Michael Vick. You want to know why?
Nope. Don’t care.
It’s because I totally relate to him. We’ve both hated by fans just for making simple errors in judgment.
Sanchez, people hate you because you fumbled after running into your teammates’ butt. People hate Vick because he tortured and killed dozens of innocent dogs. Those two are NOT the same thing.
Exactly. The Buttfumble was WAY worse.
Josh Freeman has the next pick.
I can’t decide. There’s no one good left.
I can think of at least one QB you could draft who had almost 5,000 yards passing last season
ROMO, I WOULD RATHER GET FIFTEEN HUNDRED PAPER CUTS ON MY SCROTUM THAN HAVE YOU AS MY FANTASY QB.
You know, I can’t help but be a little offended by that.
I’ll take Christian Pilsner.
Cutler, you’re up.
I DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS STUPID DRAFT.
Fine. Then you get Andrew Luck.
Thank you for choosing me, Mr. Cutler, it will be an honor to…
I DIDN’T CHOOSE YOU AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR LAME-ASS BROWNNOSING, LUCK.
I admire your brute honesty, sir.
Your turn, Tannehill
I’ll take Colin Kaepernick
YESSSS! This is the closest I'll ever be to being a Miami Dolphin. WHOOOOO.
Romo’s up next.
And I really can’t pick myself? Because this late in the draft, I consider myself to be quite a steal.
NO ONE CARES, ROMO! WE ALL HATE YOU, AND NO ONE WANTS YOU ON THEIR DAMN TEAM.
Sometimes it almost feels like you guys aren’t my real friends.
Fine. I’ll take Philip Rivers.
Perfect. Now you’ll get to enjoy watching your QB put up big stats between September and November, only to shit the bed in December and January.
IT’S IRONIC BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT ROMO DOES TOO.
You’re next Vick.
Give me Sam Bradford
Fine, I’ll ask. Why Bradford?
Because I just got a new dog. And I hear Bradford’s got a bunch of whips, chains, and nipple clamps I can borrow.
Wow. That is really a stretch.
Which reminds me, I also need to borrow his puppy stretcher.
It’s actually an anus spreader, but it works pretty much the same way.
You’re next Alex Smith
1 hour ago . Like
I’ll take Carson Palmer. I have a soft spot for former number one picks of the draft who got traded for no good reason.
How totally not interesting. Go, Philip Rivers.
Give me Jay Cutler.
HEY CUTLER, REMEMBER WHEN YOU PLAYED FOR DENVER AND I USED TO SAY THAT I “OWNED” YOU? LOOKS LIKE IT’S STILL TRUE
Hey Rivers. Remember when I used to say that I thought you were the best QB in the AFC West?
You never said that.
Neither has anyone else.
You’re up, Locker
Hmmmm. Is Drew Brees still available?
GETTING REAL SICK OF THAT SHIT. For your punishment you get Mark Sanchez.
PLEASE, NO! HAVING MARK SANCHEZ AS A STARTING QB DOOMS MY SEASON BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS!
Welcome to our hell.
Fine. Then you get EJ Manuel. Newton, you’re next
Give me Andy Dalton. My reason is…
WE DON’T CARE. Palmer, you’re next.
I’ll take Joe Flacco.
THAT IS BULLSHIT. This is NOT where an elite QB should get picked.
Which is why I didn’t pick one.
Tebow, you’re up.
Wait, why does Tebow get to play? He’s not a starter.
It’s purely for marketing purposes. Any mention of the word “Tebow” drives ratings, sales, and hits through the roof
1 hour ago . Like .
ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and ProFootballMock can confirm this.
For my selection, I choose Jesus.
Goddammit. I DEMAND A TRADE.
Something named Blaine Gabbert is next
I guess I’ll take Josh Freeman. I know he's terrible. I don’t care. I’m just happy to finally have a line in a convo.
Enjoy it. It’ll be your last.
Griffin, you’re up
Shit, I can’t believe I’m about to do this. (sigh). I’ll take Tony Romo.
YES! You won’t regret this Griffin!
Romo, the only reason I’m dong this is because my lingering concussion symptoms will erase this from my memory within moments,
I PUT UP HUGE NUMBERS YEAR AFTER YEAR. YOU SHOULD BE THRILLED TO HAVE ME ON YOUR FANTASY TEAM
FINALLY… it’s time for the last pick, which is of course made by the most DASHING, HANDSOME, quarterback in the league.
For my selection, I pick… um… ummm… .
HAHAHA. I’M THE ONLY STARTER LEFT!
NO!!!! I'D RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN HAVE MARK SANCHEZ AS MY TEAM’S QUARTRBACK!
(Ties big rock to feet, jumps in Hudson River)
Brady, you dumbshit. If you didn’t want to get stuck with the last pick, you should have gone from MOST to LEAST handsome.
FUCK. I DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH.
LOOKS LIKE YOU GET TO CHEER FOR ME ALL YEAR LONG BRADY! HIGH-FIVE, BUDDY!
(misses high-five, gets stuck in Brandon Moore’s ass)
Fuck. IS DREW BREES STILL AVAILABLE?
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