NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: THE FANTASY DRAFT

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Updated: August 18, 2013

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TOM BRADY

It's that time of year again, bitches. FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT SEASON!

Nerds everywhere like this

TOM BRADY

Which means it’s time for our official “NFL QBs FANTASY DRAFT”

JAY CUTLER

LAME. Fantasy football is a stupid game for losers, dorks, and virgins

TONY ROMO

Ooh, did someone say fantasy football?

BRANDON WEEDEN

Sounds great!

TIM TEBOW

Count me in!

TOM BRADY

Before we start, there are three rules to the draft:

TOM BRADY

RULE #1: We draft QUARTERBACKS ONLY!

TOM BRADY

RULE #2: You can NOT draft yourself!

TOM BRADY

RULE #3: PAY ATTENTION! Nothing annoys me more than those idiots who are like, “hurr, durr, has anyone drafted Drew Brees yet?”

ELI MANNING

I thought nothing annoyed you more than David Tyree.

TOM BRADY

SHUT UP. We’re drafting in order of physical attractiveness, starting with the ugliest, most revolting QBs and working our way up.

TOM BRADY

Andrew Luck, you have the first pick.

ANDREW LUCK

Gosh, thanks Mr. Brady! I’m really looking forward to competing against all you talented fellows. Good luck everyone!

MATT SCHAUB

Less brownnosing, more drafting, broccoli-head.

ANDREW LUCK

Okay. I’ll take Drew Brees.

DREW BREES

GREAT use of the top pick, Luck. That hideous face of yours finally came in handy.

TOM BRADY

Brees, you’re up next.

DREW BREES

Wait, WHAT? How am I the second ugliest QB?

DREW BREES’ FACE SCAR

Beats me

DREW BREES

Whatever. I’ll take Tom Brady

TOM BRADY

OUTSTANDING pick. Flacco, you’re next

JOE FLACCO

Hmmmm. Has anyone picked Drew Brees yet?

TOM BRADY

Goddammit Flacco, I JUST finished warning you to pay attention!

TOM BRADY

Just for that, you get a “not-paying-attention” penalty. You have to draft Mark Sanchez.

JOE FLACCO

NO! THAT’S NOT FAIR. NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE STUCK WITH MARK SANCHEZ AS THEIR TEAM’S QUARTERBACK.

Jets Fans agree with this

TOM BRADY

Fine. Then you get Jake Locker instead. Roethlisberger, you’re up.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

I’LL TAKE ADRIAN PETERSON

TOM BRADY

Oh for fuck’s sake. Roethlisberger, I JUST TOLD YOU THAT WE’RE ONLY DRAFTING QBs!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Yes, but then you awarded Jake Locker as a pick, so I figured that rule had been waived

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

YOU SEE, I’M SAYING THAT JAKE LOCKER IS SO BAD HE DOESN’T EVEN QUALIFY AS A REAL QB.

TOM BRADY

Shut up. Your penalty is that you get Blaine Gabbert. Keapernick, you’re next.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

I’ll take Alex Smith

CAM NEWTON

Wow, that’s a TERRIBLE pick. You won't win many fantasy football games that way.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Who gives a shit about fantasy football? I just want Alex Smith on my team so I can bench him. AGAIN.

ALEX SMITH

I HOPE YOU GET A HANGNAIL, KAEPERNICK!

TOM BRADY

Next up: Sam Bradford

SAM BRADFORD

I’ll take Brandon Weeden

MATT SCHAUB

Yet another surprising pick

SAM BRADFORD

What can I say? I have a thing for Cleveland Steamers.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

SAM BRADFORD IS COMPARING BRANDON WEEDEN TO A SEX ACT IN WHICH YOU SQUAT DOWN AND TAKE A BIG POOP RIGHT ON SOMEONE’S….

CARSON PALMER

That’ll do, Ben.

TOM BRADY

The Manning brothers are next. First Eli, Then Peyton.

ELI MANNING

I’ll take Peyton Manning.

PEYTON MANNING

I’ll take Eli Manning.

JAY CUTLER

LAME. It figures the two Manning morons would want to be on each other's team.

ARCHIE MANNING

For what it’s worth, I’d be happy to trade away my son, Cooper.

DREW BREES

Why would you have Cooper Manning on your fantasy team?

ARCHIE MANNING

What fantasy team?

TOM BRADY

ENOUGH. E.J.Manuel, you’re next.

E.J. MANUEL

I’ll draft Cam Newton.

NFL PLAY 60 KID

Big mistake. Shoulda picked me instead

NFL PLAY 60 KID

(begins warming up arm)

CAM NEWTON

KID, YOU PULL THAT “WARMING UP YOUR ARM” BULLSHIT WITH ME AGAIN THIS YEAR AND I’LL WARM UP MY ARM BY TEARING OUT YOUR PARENTS’ LUNGS AND STOMPING ON THEM WITH MY CLEATS WHILE YOU WATCH.

TOM BRADY

NEWTON! You can threaten to kill childrens’ families later. This is draft time. You’re up, Aaron Rodgers

AARON RODGERS

HAHAHAHAHA. Oh you stupid, stupid sons of bitches. Get ready because I’m about to get the STEAL OF THE DRAFT!

AARON RODGERS

With the 10th pick, I will take the one, the only, the MIGHTY AARON RODGERS. HAHAHA. JUST GIVE ME THAT CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY NOW.

TOM BRADY

You can’t pick yourself, dumbfuck.

AARON RODGERS

What? When was that rule made?

TOM BRADY

AT THE TOP OF THE CONVERSATION!

AARON RODGERS

BUT I DON'T READ THAT PART. I USUALLY JUST SKIP DOWN LOOKING FOR THE RUSSELL WILSON LINES.

TOM BRADY

Well now you get the “tried-to-pick-yourself” penalty: The next guy in the draft order gets to make your pick for you.

AARON RODGERS

What?! So who’s the next guy in the draft order?

RUSSELL WILSON

He selects Russell Wilson.

TOM BRADY

Done.

AARON RODGERS

What? NO! FUCK, NO!!!

TOM BRADY

Too late. It’s in the books.

AARON RODGERS

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I AM NOT GOING TO SPEND ALL YEAR HAVING TO ROOT FOR THAT PUNY LITTLE SHIT AS MY FANTASY QB. THAT IS LITERALLY THE WORST THING I COULD EVER POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

TOM BRADY

Now it’s your pick Wilson.

RUSSELL WILSON

I’ll take Aaron Rodgers.

TOM BRADY

Done.

AARON RODGERS

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

AARON RODGERS

WILSON, I WILL PURPOSELY THROW THREE OR FOUR PICKS EACH GAME THIS SEASON AS PART OF A STRATEGY I WILL CALL “OPERATION: SABOTAGE-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-RUSSELL-WILSON’S-FANTASY-TEAM!””

JOE FLACCO

Brandon Weeden just calls that “Sunday.”

TOM BRADY

You’re up, Dalton

ANDY DALTON

I don’t know who to pick.

TONY ROMO

Can I just point out that I am one of the highest rated QBs in fantasy football year in and year out?

ANDY DALTON

ROMO, I WOULD RATHER DRINK A JUMBO-SIZED SMOOTHIE MADE WITH THE LIPSOSUCTIONED FAT FROM REX RYAN’S ASSCHEEKS THAN HAVE YOU AS MY FANTASY QUARTERBACK.

TONY ROMO

Ouch.

ANDY DALTON

I’ll take Ben Roethlisberger.

TOM BRADY

Fine. Next up is Christian Pounder

CHRISTIAN PONDER

My last name is Ponder.

TOM BRADY

No one cares. Who do you pick?

CHRISTIAN PONDER

Is Drew Brees still available?

TOM BRADY

GODDAMN YOU, PLUNDER.

CHRISTIAN PONDER

Ponder.

TOM BRADY

Just for that, you get a penalty. Mark Sanchez is your QB.

CHRISTIAN PONDER

NO! THAT’S NOT FAIR. MARK SANCHEZ IS THE WORST QB IN THE NFL BY FAR.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS FANS

Trust us, we can think of another one who’s almost as bad.

TOM BRADY

Fine. You don’t get Sanchez. Instead, you get Ryan Tannehill.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Ooh, that’s the steal of the draft right there. GO DOLPHINS!

TOM BRADY

Your turn, Weeden.

BRANDON WEEDEN

I’ll take Robert Griffin III.

KIRK COUSINS

Big mistake, Weeden. If you want the Redskins’ starting QB, you shoulda picked me.

BRANDON WEEDEN

But they say that RGIII will be back for the season opener.

KIRK COUSINS

Yeah, well “they” don’t know how I’ve planted a poisonous Brazilian scorpion inside Griffin's knee brace.

TOM BRADY

Go, Matt Flynn

MATT FLYNN

I’ll take Matt Ryan

TOM BRADY

Go, Matt Ryan

MATT RYAN

I’ll take Matt Stafford

TOM BRADY

Go, Matt Stafford

MATT STAFFORD

I’ll take Matt Schaub

TOM BRADY

Go, Matt Schaub

MATT SCHAUB

I’ll take Matt Flynn

PHILIP RIVERS

Geez, there sure are a lot of Matts in the NFL

Matt Cassel, Matt Hasselbeck, and Matt Barkley like this

JAY CUTLER

And they’re all Dicks.

TOM BRADY

You’re next, Sanchez

MARK SANCHEZ

I’ll take Michael Vick. You want to know why?

TOM BRADY

Nope. Don’t care.

MARK SANCHEZ

It’s because I totally relate to him. We’ve both hated by fans just for making simple errors in judgment.

DREW BREES

Sanchez, people hate you because you fumbled after running into your teammates’ butt. People hate Vick because he tortured and killed dozens of innocent dogs. Those two are NOT the same thing.

JETS FANS

Exactly. The Buttfumble was WAY worse.

TOM BRADY

Josh Freeman has the next pick.

JOSH FREEMAN

I can’t decide. There’s no one good left.

TONY ROMO

I can think of at least one QB you could draft who had almost 5,000 yards passing last season

JOSH FREEMAN

ROMO, I WOULD RATHER GET FIFTEEN HUNDRED PAPER CUTS ON MY SCROTUM THAN HAVE YOU AS MY FANTASY QB.

TONY ROMO

You know, I can’t help but be a little offended by that.

JOSH FREEMAN

I’ll take Christian Pilsner.

CHRISTIAN PONDER

Ponder.

TOM BRADY

Cutler, you’re up.

JAY CUTLER

I DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS STUPID DRAFT.

TOM BRADY

Fine. Then you get Andrew Luck.

ANDREW LUCK

Thank you for choosing me, Mr. Cutler, it will be an honor to…

JAY CUTLER

I DIDN’T CHOOSE YOU AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR LAME-ASS BROWNNOSING, LUCK.

ANDREW LUCK

I admire your brute honesty, sir.

TOM BRADY

Your turn, Tannehill

RYAN TANNEHILL

I’ll take Colin Kaepernick

COLIN KAEPERNICK

YESSSS! This is the closest I'll ever be to being a Miami Dolphin. WHOOOOO.

TOM BRADY

Romo’s up next.

TONY ROMO

And I really can’t pick myself? Because this late in the draft, I consider myself to be quite a steal.

AARON RODGERS

NO ONE CARES, ROMO! WE ALL HATE YOU, AND NO ONE WANTS YOU ON THEIR DAMN TEAM.

TONY ROMO

Sometimes it almost feels like you guys aren’t my real friends.

TONY ROMO

Fine. I’ll take Philip Rivers.

COWBOYS FANS

Perfect. Now you’ll get to enjoy watching your QB put up big stats between September and November, only to shit the bed in December and January.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S IRONIC BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT ROMO DOES TOO.

TOM BRADY

You’re next Vick.

MICHAEL VICK

Give me Sam Bradford

MATT RYAN

Fine, I’ll ask. Why Bradford?

MICHAEL VICK

Because I just got a new dog. And I hear Bradford’s got a bunch of whips, chains, and nipple clamps I can borrow.

RGIII

Wow. That is really a stretch.

MICHAEL VICK

Which reminds me, I also need to borrow his puppy stretcher.

SAM BRADFORD

It’s actually an anus spreader, but it works pretty much the same way.

TOM BRADY

You’re next Alex Smith

ALEX SMITH

I’ll take Carson Palmer. I have a soft spot for former number one picks of the draft who got traded for no good reason.

TOM BRADY

How totally not interesting. Go, Philip Rivers.

PHILIP RIVERS

Give me Jay Cutler.

PHILIP RIVERS

HEY CUTLER, REMEMBER WHEN YOU PLAYED FOR DENVER AND I USED TO SAY THAT I “OWNED” YOU? LOOKS LIKE IT’S STILL TRUE

JAY CUTLER

Hey Rivers. Remember when I used to say that I thought you were the best QB in the AFC West?

PHILIP RIVERS

You never said that.

JAY CUTLER

Neither has anyone else.

TOM BRADY

You’re up, Locker

JAKE LOCKER

Hmmmm. Is Drew Brees still available?

TOM BRADY

GETTING REAL SICK OF THAT SHIT. For your punishment you get Mark Sanchez.

JAKE LOCKER

PLEASE, NO! HAVING MARK SANCHEZ AS A STARTING QB DOOMS MY SEASON BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS!

JETS FANS

Welcome to our hell.

TOM BRADY

Fine. Then you get EJ Manuel. Newton, you’re next

CAM NEWTON

Give me Andy Dalton. My reason is…

TOM BRADY

WE DON’T CARE. Palmer, you’re next.

CARSON PALMER

I’ll take Joe Flacco.

JOE FLACCO

THAT IS BULLSHIT. This is NOT where an elite QB should get picked.

CARSON PALMER

Which is why I didn’t pick one.

TOM BRADY

Tebow, you’re up.

MATT SCHAUB

Wait, why does Tebow get to play? He’s not a starter.

TOM BRADY

It’s purely for marketing purposes. Any mention of the word “Tebow” drives ratings, sales, and hits through the roof

ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and ProFootballMock can confirm this.

TIM TEBOW

For my selection, I choose Jesus.

JESUS CHRIST

Goddammit. I DEMAND A TRADE.

TOM BRADY

Something named Blaine Gabbert is next

BLAINE GABBERT

I guess I’ll take Josh Freeman. I know he's terrible. I don’t care. I’m just happy to finally have a line in a convo.

PROFOOTBALLMOCK

Enjoy it. It’ll be your last.

BLAINE GABBERT

Fuck.

TOM BRADY

Griffin, you’re up

RGIII

Shit, I can’t believe I’m about to do this. (sigh). I’ll take Tony Romo.

TONY ROMO

YES! You won’t regret this Griffin!

RGIII

Romo, the only reason I’m dong this is because my lingering concussion symptoms will erase this from my memory within moments,

TONY ROMO

I PUT UP HUGE NUMBERS YEAR AFTER YEAR. YOU SHOULD BE THRILLED TO HAVE ME ON YOUR FANTASY TEAM

RGIII

What fantasy team?

TOM BRADY

FINALLY… it’s time for the last pick, which is of course made by the most DASHING, HANDSOME, quarterback in the league.

TOM BRADY

For my selection, I pick… um… ummm… .

TOM BRADY

…oh fuck.

MARK SANCHEZ

HAHAHA. I’M THE ONLY STARTER LEFT!

TOM BRADY

NO!!!! I'D RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN HAVE MARK SANCHEZ AS MY TEAM’S QUARTRBACK!

JETS FANS

(Ties big rock to feet, jumps in Hudson River)

MATT RYAN

Brady, you dumbshit. If you didn’t want to get stuck with the last pick, you should have gone from MOST to LEAST handsome.

TOM BRADY

FUCK. I DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH.

MARK SANCHEZ

LOOKS LIKE YOU GET TO CHEER FOR ME ALL YEAR LONG BRADY! HIGH-FIVE, BUDDY!

MARK SANCHEZ’S HAND

(misses high-five, gets stuck in Brandon Moore’s ass)

TOM BRADY

Fuck. IS DREW BREES STILL AVAILABLE?

NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: THE FANTASY DRAFT

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