HEY LOSERS. Guess who has 2 thumbs, 5 MVP trophies, and now a whopping 510 PASSING TOUCHDOWNS? THIS MAGNIFICENT BASTARD RIGHT HERE.
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
Hey Manning. Guess who gives 0 fucks about you and your stupid record? All the rest of us.
6 hours ago . Like
POOR COLIN KAEPERNICK. Your jealousy of my far, FAR superior talent as almost as ugly as your cartoonishly bulbous nose.
I THREW 4 TDs LAST NIGHT. OVER 300 YARDS. And I took the all time passing TD record away from Brett Favre like it was a 4th quarter pass in a playoff game. HAHAHAHA.
All the passing records in the world won’t change the fact that you look like a cross between Forrest Gump and an Easter Island statue, Manning.
AND YOU LOOK LIKE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AN OSTRICH FUCKS A MUPPET, KAEPERNICK.
Oh god, are you two going to have a “who’s uglier” debate? Because frankly, that’s kind of like Ray Rice and Greg Hardy having a “World’s Greatest Boyfriend” contest.
HA HA, VERY FUNNY, DINGLEFLINGER.
Oh and that reminds me, I have a message for Wes Welker and Emmanuel Sanders.
IF EITHER OF YOU DIM-WITTED DROPASAURUSES PLAY “KEEP-AWAY” WITH ME EVER AGAIN, I’LL HAVE YOU SUSPENDED WITHOUT PAY INDEFINITELY, AND YOU WON’T SEE THE FIELD AGAIN UNTIL GENO SMITH BECOMES A QUALITY NFL QB.
I AM NOW THE GREATEST LIVING CREATURE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. I HAVE 510 PASSING TOUCHDOWNS, WHICH IS MORE THAN ANY OF YOU!
Except a Lombardi trophy,
Huh? The fuck does that mean?
Oh…um… I thought you’d phrased that differently.
I thought you said, “There is nothing you guys have that I don’t” which is why I said, “Except a Lombardi Trophy,” which now that I think about it doesn’t really make sense anyway because you actually did win a Lombardi Trophy a few years ago, so…
What the FUCK are you blabbering about, you stammering smurf?
HOLY CRAP, RUSSELL WILSON HAS LOST HIS POWER TO TROLL.
No, I just… I thought he said something else… WAIT THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING.
I KNEW it. Peyton Manning’s touchdown record yesterday has triggered the mysterious, annual event known as “Opposite Day.”
Okay, we all know what “opposite day” means. You don’t have to explain…
ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN. You see, the known universe is roughly shaped like a regulation NFL football.
Well, sure. That’s just basic science.
And a huge event, like the breaking of the passing TD record, causes all normal activities across the entire solar system to be flipped and reversed, because of the way the universe-ball suddenly wobbles and flutters on its axis.
Like a Geno Smith pass?
Not quite that wobbly. But you get the idea.
Yeah, I guess this “opposite day” stuff makes sense. How ELSE do you explain the Seahawks losing to the lowly Rams?
Oh, I’ll explain it for you. Because TOSSIN’ AUSTIN DAVIS just RAM-HAMMERED those blue and green has-beens like the little bitch pigeons they are.
NOOOOO. HOW DID WE LOSE THAT GAME? I COULD NOT HAVE CHEWED MY GUM ANY MORE AGGRESSIVELY!
Now for some additional commentary on our big win, lets hear from Rams punt returner Tavon Austin.
Thank you Coach. Well, the key to our victory was…
PSYCHE! FOOLED YA! THE REAL COMMENTARY IS ACTUALLY COMING FROM STEDMAN BAILEY!
THIS MIRRORS THE BRILLIANT TRICK PLAY WE PULLED OFF IN YESTERDAY’S GAME!
HAHAHA THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS SUCK NOW.
PERCY HARVIN’S TRADE TO THE JETS LOOKS LIKE IT’S BASICALLY A LATERAL MOVE AT THIS POINT.
Goddammit. I’M GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA SOMEONE OVER THIS.
(hides under table)
Even Russell Wilson has been affected by opposite day. He’s lost all his troll-mojo!
5 hours ago . Like
But… but… I did become the first QB in history to throw for 300 yards and rush for 100 in the same game!
Now you’re just embarrassing yourself, Wilson.
Seriously. This is an NFL QB conversation. There’s no place here for boasting.
MAKE WAY FOR THE MIGHTY, MIGHTY AARON RODGERS, MAYOR OF VICTORYVILLE AND POUNDER OF PANTHERS EVERYWHERE!
Sigh. “Things said by annoying, closeted quarterbacks who I hate and wish were dead?”
LOLOLOLOLOLOL. You know, alphabetically, “Packers” is just slightly ahead of “Panthers.”
BUT SCOREBOARDICALLY, WE’RE AHEAD 38-17 HAHAHAHAHA.
RODGERS, I WILL TAKE YOU OUT LIKE A BUFFALO BILLS RUNNING BACK.
BECAUSE ALL THE BILLS RUSHERS ALL GOT HURT YESTERDAY, YOU SEE.
Win or lose, that game was HORRIBLY officiated.
Those refs actually ejected me from the game for “making contact with an official” after HE grabbed ME from behind. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever…
(steps on Luke Kuechly’s foot)
TWEEEEET. ILLEGAL CONTACT WITH AN OFFICIAL. LUKE KUECHLY IS EJECTED FROM THIS CONVO!
BUT WHY? YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOT!
(kicks Luke Kuechly in nutsack)
TWEEEEEET. MORE ILLEGAL CONTACT. FIVE GAME SUSPENSION!
CHECK OUT MY STATS: 3 TDs. 225 YARDS! 19 out of 22 attempts. I ONLY MISSED THREE PASSES!
THAT’S 1 MISS FOR EVERY LOSS RUSSELL WILSON AND THE SEAHAWKS HAVE THIS YEAR! AHAHAHAHA!
And that perfect 59-yard strike I threw to Jordy Nelson may just be my favorite TD pass of all time!
The “Fail Mary?”
Huh? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU MUTTERING ABOUT, SMURFETTE?
Oh. Wait, I thought you were asking a question. Like, “And do you know what my favorite pass of all time is?” In which case, my comment of “Fail Mary” would’ve been a good troll line, so…
GIVE IT UP, MUMBLES. You shitty Seacocks suck now. YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE ANYMORE.
Oh, this is BEAUTIFUL. My Packers are rolling, and Russell Wilson is a teeny-tiny little shattered husk of a man. OPPOSITE DAY RULES! EVERYTHING IS AWESOME
Opposite day? OF COURSE. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
THAT’S why I lost to that jowly fumble-goon Matt Stafford. IT’S THE ONLY EXPLANATION
Wouldn’t a better explanation be that you threw a critical 4th quarter pick that doomed your team’s chances by allowing the Lions to come back …
NOPE. OPPOSITE DAY. ONLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION.
WHOO-HOO. I threw TWO HUGE TDs in the final 3:38. WHAT A COMEBACK!
I want to tweet about my victory to all my followers. Does anyone know a good symbol for “pound” that I can use as a hashtag?
STAFFORD, YOU OVERGROWN EWOK Your string of lucky-ass wins is keeping my Packers from taking our rightful place atop the NFC North!
I DESPISE YOU STAFFORD! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY MY #1 NEMESIS!
So Matt Stafford is playing clutch football, while Drew Brees was unable to mount a two-minute drive to win a game? This really IS opposite day.
I FEEL AWFUL! WE DROPPED TO 2-4! AT THIS PACE, WE'LL FINISH A LOWLY 5-11!
Eh. Should still be good enough to win the NFC South
BECAUSE THAT DIVISION STINKS.
4 hours ago . Like
Oh, sorry guys. That was just an imitation of what it sounded like during my three hour orgasm yesterday, otherwise known as my 27-13 DICKWHIPPING of Jay Cutler and the Bears.
IT’S ONLY BECAUSE OF THIS “OPPOSITE DAY” MUMBO JUMBO THAT YOU SQUEAKED PAST US FOR THE WIN, TANNEHILL.
“Squeaked” past? WE SPANKED YOUR ASS BY 13 POINTS, VA-JAY-JAY.
YOU THREW A TERRIBLE INTERCEPTION, PLUS YOU FUMBLED THREE TIMES!
Wow. Cutler really put on a clinic out there.
Yeah. “How to be a shitty quarterback in four crappy quarters.”
HEY, DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE BEARS HAD A HUGE LOCKER ROOM FIGHT YESTERDAY?
Really? What happened?
The locker room won. LOL.
YAY!!!! WE BEAT THE GIANTS! WE BEAT THE GIANTS!
4 hours ago . Like .
THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS are also hoping to say this soon
AUGHHHH! I’M BLIND!
Romo, that stupid masturbatorium you call a stadium is designed HORRIBLY. The sun was shining directly into my eyes through the entire 4th quarter. I COULDN’T SEE MY RECEIVERS.
I would think that seeing the sun reflected off your brother’s massive cranium while you were growing up would have prepared you for enormous waves of light bursting into your face.
SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW, ROMO. PEYTON’S FOREHEAD ACTUALLY ABSORBS LIGHT, THEN REFRACTS IT BACK IN RED TRIANGLE FORM.
Hey, did all you duck-chuckers see that I ran for 100+ yards for the 7th straight game? THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY THE MOST IMPORTANT RECORD THAT WAS BROKEN IN THE NFL YESTERDAY!
THE FUCK IT WAS. My TD record was way more significant….
CLEARLY, I AM THE GREATEST RUNNING BACK IN DALLAS COWBOYS HISTORY!
Now wait just a minute here…
YOU SEE? YOU SEE? IT’S OPPOSITE DAY!
How is that opposite day? DeMarco Murray always gains 100 yards.
Yes, but he didn’t fumble this week.
Okay, that is kind of weird. Still, does it really qualify as an opposite day event…
And the Cowboys home crowd actually cheered. Loudly. FOR THE COWBOYS!
Whoa. OPPOSITE DAY IS REAL!
Need more proof? Check this out: THE JAGUARS ACTUALLY WON A GAME.
We still can’t believe it. IS THIS REAL LIFE?
Okay fine, but the Jags beat the BROWNS. That hardly qualifies as unusual.
Are you kidding? The Browns had been on a two-game winning streak.
You know how one dog year equals seven human years? Well two straight wins for the Browns is actually equal to about a fourteen game winning streak in “good team" terms. AND THE JAGS SNAPPED IT.
Sigh. It’s okay. We’ve enjoyed the high life long enough now, apparently.
How can you numbskulls possibly consider us to be in “opposite day” mode? I PLAYED LIKE A BOSS YESTERDAY.
You just answered your own question, Flacktard.
Geez, Matt Ryan and the Falcons got crushed yesterday 29-7.
Yep. Looks like we can officially declare the entire QB class from the 2008 draft as enormous busts.
Hey! I was in that draft class too!
So? That means you’re a huge bust just like Matt Ryan and all the other bums selected that year.
HOW AM I A BUST? I WON A SUPER BOWL! I WAS THE MVP!
Even if that were true, which I doubt, then what have you done lately?
3 hours ago . Like
I JUST BEAT MATT RYAN 29-7!
Big deal. That guy’s a total bust.
Want more “Opposite Day” proof? THE REDSKINS ACTUALLY WON A GAME.
(Shed a collective tear)
So what? They played Tennessee.
Watching the Redskins play the Titans is like seeing two grade school kids with asthma get into a slap fight at recess.
(Immediately makes plans to scout grade school kids with asthma for next year’s draft)
You snotwheels can call it opposite day all you want. But the rest of the world will forever know it as the beginning of the COLT McCOY ERA IN WASHINGTON.
Yep. After dabbling with weak armed spazzmos like Robert Griffin III and Kirk Cousins, the Redskins have finally joined the CULT OF COLT.
FUCK YOU COLT McCOY, I AM THE RIGHTFUL STARTER FOR THE REDSKINS!
FUCK YOU KIRK COUSNS AND COLT McCOY, I AM THE RIGHTFUL STARTER FOR THE REDSKINS!
FUCK YOU COLT McCOY, KIRK COUSINS, AND RGIII, I AM GONNA GO GRAB ME A BEER AND SOME DORITOS AND WATCH “WHEEL OF FORTUNE” IN MY UNDERWEAR!
Normally, I would dismiss all this “opposite day” malarkey as nothing more than superstitious nonsense. But considering my Vikings inexplicable lost at the hands of those wretched Bills, I think this theory may hold some merit after all.
YOU SEE? YOU SEE? THE VIKINGS LOST TO THE BILLS!
Whoop-de-shit. The Vikings suck ass. There’s nothing “opposite” abut them losing.
Hold on, you didn’t let me finish: The Vikings lost to the Bills… because KYLE ORTON DELIVERED A GAME WINNING TD IN THE CLUTCH!
MY GOD! IT REALLY IS OPPOSITE DAY!
Hey, do you realize that in the Bills-Vikings matchup, the two teams are a combined 0-8 in Super Bowls?
That’s nothing. In tonight’s Texans-Steelers matchup, the two teams have combined for SIX Super Bowl victories.
Yes. All by us.
I stand by my math.
Y’all are just jealous that I’m 2 for 3 as the Bills starter. PLAYOFFS, HERE WE COME.
Orton, the only chance your team has of making the playoffs is if the deadly ebola virus wipes out the rosters of the Patriots, Dolphins, Ravens, Colts, Broncos, Bengals, and Chargers during the next two months.
Hey, that still gives us a better chance of making the playoffs than the Raiders do. I’LL TAKE IT.
You know, the Colts destroyed the Bengals 27-0 yesterday. That’s not exactly an “opposite day” event.
Fine. Let me give you my top 20 reasons why that game actually was opposite-day worthy.
Reason #1: Trent Richardson ran the football at a semi-competent level.
Reasons #’s 2-20: See reason #1.
Point well made.
SHIT! IT’S BEEN FOUR WEEKS SINCE OUR LAST VICTORY!
GREAT GAME MR. DALTON! Don’t you get too down on yourself now. I can recall a few passes you threw that weren’t incomplete. YOU GET AN “A” FOR EFFORT, BUDDY!
GET FUCKED, LUCK. I don’t need your sympathy.
You sure about that Dalton? Because after that miserable performance of yours, his sympathy might be all you have left.
It’s not like you have any healthy receivers.
Or recent victories.
Or an immortal soul.
Can we stop discussing the Battle of the Andrews Sisters, and talk about MY CHIEFS SWEET-ASS VICTORY OVER SAN DIEGO!
DAMMITT DAMMITT DAMMITT. My Chargers were the hottest team in the AFC. How did the Chiefs actually beat us yesterday? ON OUR HOME FIELD NO LESS.
Because I was ON-TARGET, EFFECTIVE, AND PRECISE with my passes all day!
Okay Opposite Day Gods. We get it. YOU’VE PROVEN YOUR POINT.
2 hours ago . Like
What will it take to restore the universe back to its natural order?
I believe it will require a massive event to occur that is ABSOLUTELY PREDICTABLE, COMPLETELY ROUTINE and 100% NORMAL.
Hey you guys. The Raiders lost yesterday
Oh, okay. That should do it.
HAHA. Suck it Oakland! I POWERED MY CARDS TO A 2 GAME LEAD IN OUR DIVISION, AND DID IT AGAINST MY CRAPPY FORMER TEAM NO LESS.
I tell you, I'm as happy right now as a pretty little schoolgirl in pigtails and a short skirt.
You just described Eli Manning's Halloween costume.
Or Aaron Rodger’s “hitting the town” outfit on any given Saturday night.
BECAUSE HE’S GAY.
DAMMIT, BEING GAY IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING A CROSS DRESSER!.
PLUS I'M NOT GAY!
Fuck this, I’m out of here. It's time to go get blackout drunk like the Superdome In February and forget our abortion of a game last night.
And I need to catch a jet to Paris. Apparently, someone delivered my latest butt plug to the Louvre by mistake.
Bradford, for fuck’s sake, there’s no way you can fit that two hundred-foot tall butt plug up your anus!
Well, not with that attitude.
So now that “opposite day” is over, everyone is back to normal?
Yep. Seems like it.
Thank god. Hopefully “opposite day” are two words we’ll never have to hear, ever again.
Wait, that’s not right. I thought you said, “Do you want to know the two words I never want to hear again?”
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? WHY DOES MY TEAM KEEP LOSING? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TROLLJO?
RUSSELL WILSON AND THE SEAHAWKS APPEAR TO BE TRAPPED IN A PERPETUAL “OPPOSITE DAY” VORTEX OF LOSING AND FAILED TROLL ATTEMPTS!
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The Ankle of Calvin Johnson
October 26, 2014 at 9:49 pm
Dear Diary; I hate Matthew Stafford.
October 25, 2014 at 2:18 pm
The Opposite Day convo is usually funny. This was lame.
Sam Bradfords Buttplug
October 22, 2014 at 6:23 pm
thank you PFM, for including a picture of me in the convo today. i only wish you had gotten a shot from my good side.
Guy Who Whispers "Penis"
October 22, 2014 at 6:28 am
October 22, 2014 at 12:13 pm
October 21, 2014 at 4:41 pm
The Purdue Guy
October 21, 2014 at 5:58 am
The Bears got into a big locker room fight. what happened? the locker room won.
Wow. Sounds like my bears alright
October 20, 2014 at 11:25 pm
I hope Russell Wilson gets his Trolljo back. It’s just not the same without it.
October 21, 2014 at 9:04 am
The Seahawks play the Panthers next so that may be their big break to snap their skid. Just feed Lynch the ball and they’ll be okay.
October 20, 2014 at 9:54 pm
“Not with that attitude”, lol Bradford never ceases to entertain. What will PFM do when he’s out of the league next year?
October 20, 2014 at 5:51 pm
I’m guessing the ELITES got to Wilson this week.
Typical Seahawk Fan
October 20, 2014 at 2:40 pm
Sucks to be Wilson losing his trolljo. HA HA HA!!!
How about them Cowboys? They’re for year this year!
October 20, 2014 at 1:51 pm
I guess it’s about time Wilson started getting more Lions.
October 20, 2014 at 9:58 pm
Didn’t you mean “everything* is back to normal” on that Alex Smith line?
October 20, 2014 at 1:37 pm
As much as I love the Wilson trolls, I always want to hear more from him in the conversations. This isn’t what I had in mind. (That being said, it was effing hilarious!!!)
Jim in NYC
October 20, 2014 at 1:09 pm
Could Russell Wilson REALLY be losing his trolling powers?
Could his ability to annoy his fellow quarterbacks be fading faster than the Seahawks’ playoff hopes?
HOW will this story end?
The answers to these and other burning questions will be answered next week! Same Mock time, same Mock website!
October 20, 2014 at 12:52 pm
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Russel Wilson’s trolling failure is my new favorite this. This was just fantastic.
October 20, 2014 at 12:53 pm
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