NFL QBs on Facebook: OPPOSITE DAY ’14

By
Updated: October 20, 2014

OPPOSITE DAY 14

PEYTON MANNING

HEY LOSERS. Guess who has 2 thumbs, 5 MVP trophies, and now a whopping 510 PASSING TOUCHDOWNS? THIS MAGNIFICENT BASTARD RIGHT HERE.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Hey Manning. Guess who gives 0 fucks about you and your stupid record? All the rest of us.

PEYTON MANNING

POOR COLIN KAEPERNICK. Your jealousy of my far, FAR superior talent as almost as ugly as your cartoonishly bulbous nose.

PEYTON MANNING

I THREW 4 TDs LAST NIGHT. OVER 300 YARDS. And I took the all time passing TD record away from Brett Favre like it was a 4th quarter pass in a playoff game. HAHAHAHA.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

All the passing records in the world won’t change the fact that you look like a cross between Forrest Gump and an Easter Island statue, Manning.

PEYTON MANNING

AND YOU LOOK LIKE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AN OSTRICH FUCKS A MUPPET, KAEPERNICK.

TOM BRADY

Oh god, are you two going to have a “who’s uglier” debate? Because frankly, that’s kind of like Ray Rice and Greg Hardy having a “World’s Greatest Boyfriend” contest.

PEYTON MANNING

HA HA, VERY FUNNY, DINGLEFLINGER.

PEYTON MANNING

Oh and that reminds me, I have a message for Wes Welker and Emmanuel Sanders.

PEYTON MANNING



PEYTON MANNING

IF EITHER OF YOU DIM-WITTED DROPASAURUSES PLAY “KEEP-AWAY” WITH ME EVER AGAIN, I’LL HAVE YOU SUSPENDED WITHOUT PAY INDEFINITELY, AND YOU WON’T SEE THE FIELD AGAIN UNTIL GENO SMITH BECOMES A QUALITY NFL QB.

WES WELKER

You mean…?

PEYTON MANNING

Exactly. NEVER.

PEYTON MANNING

I AM NOW THE GREATEST LIVING CREATURE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. I HAVE 510 PASSING TOUCHDOWNS, WHICH IS MORE THAN ANY OF YOU!

RUSSELL WILSON

Except a Lombardi trophy,

PEYTON MANNING

Huh? The fuck does that mean?

RUSSELL WILSON

Oh…um… I thought you’d phrased that differently.

RUSSELL WILSON

I thought you said, “There is nothing you guys have that I don’t” which is why I said, “Except a Lombardi Trophy,” which now that I think about it doesn’t really make sense anyway because you actually did win a Lombardi Trophy a few years ago, so…

PEYTON MANNING

What the FUCK are you blabbering about, you stammering smurf?

ALEX SMITH

HOLY CRAP, RUSSELL WILSON HAS LOST HIS POWER TO TROLL.

RUSSELL WILSON

No, I just… I thought he said something else… WAIT THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING.

NICK FOLES

I KNEW it. Peyton Manning’s touchdown record yesterday has triggered the mysterious, annual event known as “Opposite Day.”

JOE FLACCO

Okay, we all know what “opposite day” means. You don’t have to explain…

NICK FOLES

ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN. You see, the known universe is roughly shaped like a regulation NFL football.

DREW BREES

Well, sure. That’s just basic science.

NICK FOLES

And a huge event, like the breaking of the passing TD record, causes all normal activities across the entire solar system to be flipped and reversed, because of the way the universe-ball suddenly wobbles and flutters on its axis.

TOM BRADY

Like a Geno Smith pass?

NICK FOLES

Not quite that wobbly. But you get the idea.

ALEX SMITH

Yeah, I guess this “opposite day” stuff makes sense. How ELSE do you explain the Seahawks losing to the lowly Rams?

AUSTIN DAVIS

Oh, I’ll explain it for you. Because TOSSIN’ AUSTIN DAVIS just RAM-HAMMERED those blue and green has-beens like the little bitch pigeons they are.

PETE CARROLL

NOOOOO. HOW DID WE LOSE THAT GAME? I COULD NOT HAVE CHEWED MY GUM ANY MORE AGGRESSIVELY!

JEFF FISHER

Now for some additional commentary on our big win, lets hear from Rams punt returner Tavon Austin.

FAKE PUNT RETURNER TAVON AUSTIN

Thank you Coach. Well, the key to our victory was…

JEFF FISHER

PSYCHE! FOOLED YA! THE REAL COMMENTARY IS ACTUALLY COMING FROM STEDMAN BAILEY!

ACTUAL PUNT RETURNER STEDMAN BAILEY

THIS MIRRORS THE BRILLIANT TRICK PLAY WE PULLED OFF IN YESTERDAY’S GAME!

TOM BRADY

HAHAHA THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS SUCK NOW.

PEYTON MANNING

PERCY HARVIN’S TRADE TO THE JETS LOOKS LIKE IT’S BASICALLY A LATERAL MOVE AT THIS POINT.

PERCY HARVIN

Goddammit. I’M GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA SOMEONE OVER THIS.

GOLDEN TATE

(hides under table)

CARSON PALMER

Even Russell Wilson has been affected by opposite day. He’s lost all his troll-mojo!

PHILIP RIVERS

“Trolljo?”

RUSSELL WILSON

But… but… I did become the first QB in history to throw for 300 yards and rush for 100 in the same game!

ALEX SMITH

Now you’re just embarrassing yourself, Wilson.

PEYTON MANNING

Seriously. This is an NFL QB conversation. There’s no place here for boasting.

AARON RODGERS

MAKE WAY FOR THE MIGHTY, MIGHTY AARON RODGERS, MAYOR OF VICTORYVILLE AND POUNDER OF PANTHERS EVERYWHERE!

CAM NEWTON

Sigh. “Things said by annoying, closeted quarterbacks who I hate and wish were dead?”

AARON RODGERS

LOLOLOLOLOLOL. You know, alphabetically, “Packers” is just slightly ahead of “Panthers.”

AARON RODGERS

BUT SCOREBOARDICALLY, WE’RE AHEAD 38-17 HAHAHAHAHA.

CAM NEWTON

RODGERS, I WILL TAKE YOU OUT LIKE A BUFFALO BILLS RUNNING BACK.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE ALL THE BILLS RUSHERS ALL GOT HURT YESTERDAY, YOU SEE.

LUKE KUECHLY

Win or lose, that game was HORRIBLY officiated.

LUKE KUECHLY

Those refs actually ejected me from the game for “making contact with an official” after HE grabbed ME from behind. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever…

REFEREE

(steps on Luke Kuechly’s foot)

REFEREE

TWEEEEET. ILLEGAL CONTACT WITH AN OFFICIAL. LUKE KUECHLY IS EJECTED FROM THIS CONVO!

LUKE KUECHLY

BUT WHY? YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOT!

REFEREE

(kicks Luke Kuechly in nutsack)

REFEREE

TWEEEEEET. MORE ILLEGAL CONTACT. FIVE GAME SUSPENSION!

LUKE KUECHLY

FUCK!

AARON RODGERS

CHECK OUT MY STATS: 3 TDs. 225 YARDS! 19 out of 22 attempts. I ONLY MISSED THREE PASSES!

AARON RODGERS

THAT’S 1 MISS FOR EVERY LOSS RUSSELL WILSON AND THE SEAHAWKS HAVE THIS YEAR! AHAHAHAHA!

AARON RODGERS

And that perfect 59-yard strike I threw to Jordy Nelson may just be my favorite TD pass of all time!

RUSSELL WILSON

The “Fail Mary?”

AARON RODGERS

Huh? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU MUTTERING ABOUT, SMURFETTE?

RUSSELL WILSON

Oh. Wait, I thought you were asking a question. Like, “And do you know what my favorite pass of all time is?” In which case, my comment of “Fail Mary” would’ve been a good troll line, so…

AARON RODGERS

GIVE IT UP, MUMBLES. You shitty Seacocks suck now. YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE ANYMORE.

RUSSELL WILSON

AARON RODGERS

Oh, this is BEAUTIFUL. My Packers are rolling, and Russell Wilson is a teeny-tiny little shattered husk of a man. OPPOSITE DAY RULES! EVERYTHING IS AWESOME

DREW BREES

Opposite day? OF COURSE. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

DREW BREES

THAT’S why I lost to that jowly fumble-goon Matt Stafford. IT’S THE ONLY EXPLANATION

AUSTIN DAVIS

Wouldn’t a better explanation be that you threw a critical 4th quarter pick that doomed your team’s chances by allowing the Lions to come back …

DREW BREES

NOPE. OPPOSITE DAY. ONLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION.

MATT STAFFORD

WHOO-HOO. I threw TWO HUGE TDs in the final 3:38. WHAT A COMEBACK!

MATT STAFFORD

I want to tweet about my victory to all my followers. Does anyone know a good symbol for “pound” that I can use as a hashtag?

AARON RODGERS

STAFFORD, YOU OVERGROWN EWOK Your string of lucky-ass wins is keeping my Packers from taking our rightful place atop the NFC North!

AARON RODGERS

I DESPISE YOU STAFFORD! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY MY #1 NEMESIS!

RUSSELL WILSON

ALEX SMITH

So Matt Stafford is playing clutch football, while Drew Brees was unable to mount a two-minute drive to win a game? This really IS opposite day.

DREW BREES

I FEEL AWFUL! WE DROPPED TO 2-4! AT THIS PACE, WE'LL FINISH A LOWLY 5-11!

PEYTON MANNING

Eh. Should still be good enough to win the NFC South

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE THAT DIVISION STINKS.

RYAN TANNEHILL

NNNGHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHH!!

RYAN TANNEHILL

Oh, sorry guys. That was just an imitation of what it sounded like during my three hour orgasm yesterday, otherwise known as my 27-13 DICKWHIPPING of Jay Cutler and the Bears.

JAY CUTLER

IT’S ONLY BECAUSE OF THIS “OPPOSITE DAY” MUMBO JUMBO THAT YOU SQUEAKED PAST US FOR THE WIN, TANNEHILL.

RYAN TANNEHILL

“Squeaked” past? WE SPANKED YOUR ASS BY 13 POINTS, VA-JAY-JAY.

RYAN TANNEHILL

YOU THREW A TERRIBLE INTERCEPTION, PLUS YOU FUMBLED THREE TIMES!

TOM BRADY

Wow. Cutler really put on a clinic out there.

AARON RODGERS

Yeah. “How to be a shitty quarterback in four crappy quarters.”

MATT STAFFORD

HEY, DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE BEARS HAD A HUGE LOCKER ROOM FIGHT YESTERDAY?

CARSON PALMER

Really? What happened?

AARON RODGERS

The locker room won. LOL.

TONY ROMO

YAY!!!! WE BEAT THE GIANTS! WE BEAT THE GIANTS!

THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS are also hoping to say this soon

ELI MANNING

AUGHHHH! I’M BLIND!

ELI MANNING

Romo, that stupid masturbatorium you call a stadium is designed HORRIBLY. The sun was shining directly into my eyes through the entire 4th quarter. I COULDN’T SEE MY RECEIVERS.

TONY ROMO

I would think that seeing the sun reflected off your brother’s massive cranium while you were growing up would have prepared you for enormous waves of light bursting into your face.

ELI MANNING

SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW, ROMO. PEYTON’S FOREHEAD ACTUALLY ABSORBS LIGHT, THEN REFRACTS IT BACK IN RED TRIANGLE FORM.

DeMARCO MURRAY

Hey, did all you duck-chuckers see that I ran for 100+ yards for the 7th straight game? THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY THE MOST IMPORTANT RECORD THAT WAS BROKEN IN THE NFL YESTERDAY!

PEYTON MANNING

THE FUCK IT WAS. My TD record was way more significant….

DeMARCO MURRAY

CLEARLY, I AM THE GREATEST RUNNING BACK IN DALLAS COWBOYS HISTORY!

EMMITT SMITH

Now wait just a minute here…

NICK FOLES

YOU SEE? YOU SEE? IT’S OPPOSITE DAY!

TOM BRADY

How is that opposite day? DeMarco Murray always gains 100 yards.

NICK FOLES

Yes, but he didn’t fumble this week.

TOM BRADY

Okay, that is kind of weird. Still, does it really qualify as an opposite day event…

NICK FOLES

And the Cowboys home crowd actually cheered. Loudly. FOR THE COWBOYS!

RYAN TANNEHILL

Whoa. OPPOSITE DAY IS REAL!

NICK FOLES

Need more proof? Check this out: THE JAGUARS ACTUALLY WON A GAME.

JAGUARS FANS

We still can’t believe it. IS THIS REAL LIFE?

AARON RODGERS

Okay fine, but the Jags beat the BROWNS. That hardly qualifies as unusual.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Are you kidding? The Browns had been on a two-game winning streak.

TOM BRADY

You know how one dog year equals seven human years? Well two straight wins for the Browns is actually equal to about a fourteen game winning streak in “good team" terms. AND THE JAGS SNAPPED IT.

BROWNS FANS

Sigh. It’s okay. We’ve enjoyed the high life long enough now, apparently.

JOE FLACCO

How can you numbskulls possibly consider us to be in “opposite day” mode? I PLAYED LIKE A BOSS YESTERDAY.

PEYTON MANNING

You just answered your own question, Flacktard.

TOM BRADY

Geez, Matt Ryan and the Falcons got crushed yesterday 29-7.

AARON RODGERS

Yep. Looks like we can officially declare the entire QB class from the 2008 draft as enormous busts.

JOE FLACCO

Hey! I was in that draft class too!

TOM BRADY

So? That means you’re a huge bust just like Matt Ryan and all the other bums selected that year.

JOE FLACCO

HOW AM I A BUST? I WON A SUPER BOWL! I WAS THE MVP!

PEYTON MANNING

Even if that were true, which I doubt, then what have you done lately?

JOE FLACCO

I JUST BEAT MATT RYAN 29-7!

AARON RODGERS

Big deal. That guy’s a total bust.

NICK FOLES

Want more “Opposite Day” proof? THE REDSKINS ACTUALLY WON A GAME.

NATIVE AMERICANS

(Shed a collective tear)

AUSTIN DAVIS

So what? They played Tennessee.

TONY ROMO

Watching the Redskins play the Titans is like seeing two grade school kids with asthma get into a slap fight at recess.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

(Immediately makes plans to scout grade school kids with asthma for next year’s draft)

COLT McCOY

You snotwheels can call it opposite day all you want. But the rest of the world will forever know it as the beginning of the COLT McCOY ERA IN WASHINGTON.

COLT McCOY

Yep. After dabbling with weak armed spazzmos like Robert Griffin III and Kirk Cousins, the Redskins have finally joined the CULT OF COLT.

KIRK COUSINS

FUCK YOU COLT McCOY, I AM THE RIGHTFUL STARTER FOR THE REDSKINS!

RGIII

FUCK YOU KIRK COUSNS AND COLT McCOY, I AM THE RIGHTFUL STARTER FOR THE REDSKINS!

REX GROSSMAN

FUCK YOU COLT McCOY, KIRK COUSINS, AND RGIII, I AM GONNA GO GRAB ME A BEER AND SOME DORITOS AND WATCH “WHEEL OF FORTUNE” IN MY UNDERWEAR!

TEDDY BRIDGEWATER

Normally, I would dismiss all this “opposite day” malarkey as nothing more than superstitious nonsense. But considering my Vikings inexplicable lost at the hands of those wretched Bills, I think this theory may hold some merit after all.

NICK FOLES

YOU SEE? YOU SEE? THE VIKINGS LOST TO THE BILLS!

AARON RODGERS

Whoop-de-shit. The Vikings suck ass. There’s nothing “opposite” abut them losing.

NICK FOLES

Hold on, you didn’t let me finish: The Vikings lost to the Bills… because KYLE ORTON DELIVERED A GAME WINNING TD IN THE CLUTCH!

AARON RODGERS

MY GOD! IT REALLY IS OPPOSITE DAY!

TOM BRADY

Hey, do you realize that in the Bills-Vikings matchup, the two teams are a combined 0-8 in Super Bowls?

RYAN FITZPATRICK

That’s nothing. In tonight’s Texans-Steelers matchup, the two teams have combined for SIX Super Bowl victories.

MIKE TOMLIN

Yes. All by us.

RYAN FITZPATRICK

I stand by my math.

KYLE ORTON

Y’all are just jealous that I’m 2 for 3 as the Bills starter. PLAYOFFS, HERE WE COME.

DREW BREES

Orton, the only chance your team has of making the playoffs is if the deadly ebola virus wipes out the rosters of the Patriots, Dolphins, Ravens, Colts, Broncos, Bengals, and Chargers during the next two months.

KYLE ORTON

Hey, that still gives us a better chance of making the playoffs than the Raiders do. I’LL TAKE IT.

JOE FLACCO

You know, the Colts destroyed the Bengals 27-0 yesterday. That’s not exactly an “opposite day” event.

NICK FOLES

Fine. Let me give you my top 20 reasons why that game actually was opposite-day worthy.

NICK FOLES

Reason #1: Trent Richardson ran the football at a semi-competent level.

NICK FOLES

Reasons #’s 2-20: See reason #1.

JOE FLACCO

Point well made.

ANDY DALTON

SHIT! IT’S BEEN FOUR WEEKS SINCE OUR LAST VICTORY!

ANDREW LUCK

GREAT GAME MR. DALTON! Don’t you get too down on yourself now. I can recall a few passes you threw that weren’t incomplete. YOU GET AN “A” FOR EFFORT, BUDDY!

ANDY DALTON

GET FUCKED, LUCK. I don’t need your sympathy.

TONY ROMO

You sure about that Dalton? Because after that miserable performance of yours, his sympathy might be all you have left.

PEYTON MANNING

It’s not like you have any healthy receivers.

TOM BRADY

Or recent victories.

AARON RODGERS

Or an immortal soul.

ALEX SMITH

Can we stop discussing the Battle of the Andrews Sisters, and talk about MY CHIEFS SWEET-ASS VICTORY OVER SAN DIEGO!

PHILIP RIVERS

DAMMITT DAMMITT DAMMITT. My Chargers were the hottest team in the AFC. How did the Chiefs actually beat us yesterday? ON OUR HOME FIELD NO LESS.

ALEX SMITH

Because I was ON-TARGET, EFFECTIVE, AND PRECISE with my passes all day!

ELI MANNING

Okay Opposite Day Gods. We get it. YOU’VE PROVEN YOUR POINT.

ANDY DALTON

What will it take to restore the universe back to its natural order?

NICK FOLES

I believe it will require a massive event to occur that is ABSOLUTELY PREDICTABLE, COMPLETELY ROUTINE and 100% NORMAL.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Hey you guys. The Raiders lost yesterday

NICK FOLES

Oh, okay. That should do it.

CARSON PALMER

HAHA. Suck it Oakland! I POWERED MY CARDS TO A 2 GAME LEAD IN OUR DIVISION, AND DID IT AGAINST MY CRAPPY FORMER TEAM NO LESS.

CARSON PALMER

I tell you, I'm as happy right now as a pretty little schoolgirl in pigtails and a short skirt.

TONY ROMO

You just described Eli Manning's Halloween costume.

JAY CUTLER

Or Aaron Rodger’s “hitting the town” outfit on any given Saturday night.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE HE’S GAY.

AARON RODGERS

DAMMIT, BEING GAY IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING A CROSS DRESSER!.

AARON RODGERS

PLUS I'M NOT GAY!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Fuck this, I’m out of here. It's time to go get blackout drunk like the Superdome In February and forget our abortion of a game last night.

SAM BRADFORD

And I need to catch a jet to Paris. Apparently, someone delivered my latest butt plug to the Louvre by mistake.

SAM BRADFORD



KYLE ORTON

Bradford, for fuck’s sake, there’s no way you can fit that two hundred-foot tall butt plug up your anus!

SAM BRADFORD

Well, not with that attitude.

ALEX SMITH

So now that “opposite day” is over, everyone is back to normal?

NICK FOLES

Yep. Seems like it.

PEYTON MANNING

Thank god. Hopefully “opposite day” are two words we’ll never have to hear, ever again.

RUSSELL WILSON

“Touchdown Seahawks?”

RUSSELL WILSON

Wait, that’s not right. I thought you said, “Do you want to know the two words I never want to hear again?”

RUSSELL WILSON

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? WHY DOES MY TEAM KEEP LOSING? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TROLLJO?

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

RUSSELL WILSON AND THE SEAHAWKS APPEAR TO BE TRAPPED IN A PERPETUAL “OPPOSITE DAY” VORTEX OF LOSING AND FAILED TROLL ATTEMPTS!

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

TWIST!

RUSSELL WILSON

NFL QBs on Facebook: OPPOSITE DAY ’14

Leave a Reply

18 Comments

  1. The Ankle of Calvin Johnson

    October 26, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    Dear Diary; I hate Matthew Stafford.

  2. AnonyMOOSE

    October 25, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    The Opposite Day convo is usually funny. This was lame.

  3. Sam Bradfords Buttplug

    October 22, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    thank you PFM, for including a picture of me in the convo today. i only wish you had gotten a shot from my good side.

  4. Guy Who Whispers "Penis"

    October 22, 2014 at 6:28 am

    *whispers* penis

  5. Hodor

    October 21, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Hodor

  6. The Purdue Guy

    October 21, 2014 at 5:58 am

    The Bears got into a big locker room fight. what happened? the locker room won.
    Wow. Sounds like my bears alright

  7. Maverick Mopete

    October 20, 2014 at 11:25 pm

    I hope Russell Wilson gets his Trolljo back. It’s just not the same without it.

    • PFMFan21

      October 21, 2014 at 9:04 am

      The Seahawks play the Panthers next so that may be their big break to snap their skid. Just feed Lynch the ball and they’ll be okay.

  8. John Smith

    October 20, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    “Not with that attitude”, lol Bradford never ceases to entertain. What will PFM do when he’s out of the league next year?

  9. M3

    October 20, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    I’m guessing the ELITES got to Wilson this week.

  10. Typical Seahawk Fan

    October 20, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    Sucks to be Wilson losing his trolljo. HA HA HA!!!
    How about them Cowboys? They’re for year this year!

    #12thmanbitches!
    #COWBOYFANSINCE10/13/2014SUCKERS!!

  11. PFM Comments

    October 20, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    I guess it’s about time Wilson started getting more Lions.

    • PjNob1e

      October 20, 2014 at 9:58 pm

      Didn’t you mean “everything* is back to normal” on that Alex Smith line?

  12. DangerRuss

    October 20, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    As much as I love the Wilson trolls, I always want to hear more from him in the conversations. This isn’t what I had in mind. (That being said, it was effing hilarious!!!)

  13. Jim in NYC

    October 20, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    HOLY SMOKES!!!!!

    Could Russell Wilson REALLY be losing his trolling powers?

    Could his ability to annoy his fellow quarterbacks be fading faster than the Seahawks’ playoff hopes?

    HOW will this story end?

    The answers to these and other burning questions will be answered next week! Same Mock time, same Mock website!

  14. Hich

    October 20, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Russel Wilson’s trolling failure is my new favorite this. This was just fantastic.

You must be logged in to post a comment Login