Bow down, bitches. BECAUSE PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING IS A SUPER BOWL CHAMPION AGAIN!
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I said, BOW DOWN BITCHES. BECAUSE PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING IS A SUPER BOWL CHAMPION AGAIN!!!!!
…hello? Where the hell is everyone?
What? Huh? Are we doing another convo?
I thought we’d agreed to stop doing this dumb thing?
No, that’s what we said when we agreed to stop banging Cutler’s Mom.
STOP TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT AREN’T ME.
PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING PUSSYPUNCHED THOSE PATHETIC PANTHERS INTO OBLIVION YESTERDAY, SO NOW ALL YOU COCKGOBLINS MUST ACKNOWLEDGE ME AS THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK IN THE HISTORY OF EVER!
Yeah sure, Manning. You and that bag of hot garbage you call an offense really field-goaled Carolina into submission
MOST BORING SUPER BOWL EVER.
Seriously. Tim Tebow trying to figure out how to put on a condom would be less clumsy than that shitshow of awfulness
WHAT’S THAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY TOTAL ASSKICKERY.
Considering how crappy you played Manning, you have no business being this egotistical.
Egotistical? Who are you calling egotistical? I’M TOO FUCKING AWESOME TO BE EGOTISTICAL!
I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! It was supposed to be ME winning that Super Bowl!
I never even got to do my custom touchdown celebration!
What did you have planned?
Well, I was going to smile really wide, then rest my face in the crook of my arm while pointing my other hand upward.
EEK! THUG ALERT!!!!
And the BEST part was that I whipped Tom Brady’s well-manicured, underinflated ASS to get to the Super Bowl.
Listen here Manning, I…
… the fuck?
BOO! BOO TO YOU TOM BRADY! BOOOOOO..
THIS IS A REFERENCE TO HOW TOM BRADY WAS ACTUALLY BOOED BY THE LEVI’S STADIUM CROWD DURING THE PREGAME INTRODUCTIONS OF ALL THE PREVIOUS SUPER BOWL M.V.P.s YESTERDAY.
. Like .
HEARING THAT was frigging awesome
THAT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. HOW DO I GET BOOED BY MY HOMETOWN FANS?
(rubbing hands together fiendishly) Exxxxxcellent.
I HATE LITERALLY EVERYONE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.
The feeling's mutual, trust us.
Whatever. Listen here Manning, you have no business bragging about the OopsOrgy you put on in that game yesterday.
A bowlegged baboon with an inner ear infection would’ve thrown the football better than you did.
I would’ve thrown it better too, by the way.
My money would still be on the baboon.
THIS LOSS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
What’s not to understand Newton? You spent the entire game cluelessly flopping around like Eli Manning trying to bang his wife.
BUT I’M UNSTOPPABLE! I’M THE BIG, STRONG, FAST QB THAT CAN DO IT ALL!
Except jump on fumbles, apparently.
5 hours ago . Like
HAHAHAHAHA CAM NEWTON WAS TOO CHICKENSHIT TO FALL ON THE LOOSE BALL THAT CHANGED THE COURSE OF THE GAME.
Geez Newton, you charged after that football with all the killer instinct of a wet barnacle.
Yep. He was more terrified than Donald Trump seeing a picture of Megyn Kelly.
THAT’S TOPICAL POLITICAL HUMOR.
You know what? Fuck all y’all. I’m out of here.
That’s right, Camille. Cry your watery Panther tears and run away. JUST LIKE YOU RAN OUT ON YOUR PRESS CONFERENCE YESTERDAY!
HAHAHAHA. YOU TORE OUTTA THERE FASTER THAN A HIGH PERFORMANCE BUICK VERANO FULLY LOADED WITH LEATHER BUCKET SEATS AND SIRIUS SATELLITE RADIO, STARTING AT ONLY $21,065 AT YOUR LOCAL AUTHORIZED BUICK DEALER!
Jesus Manning, could you be any more of a sellout corporate shill?
You actually included a paid endorsement for Budweiser in your post game speech!
5 hours ago . Like .
SERIOUSLY, he really did.
Actually we paid him to do that.
We find there’s no better way to get people to switch to Heineken than to have them actually choke down a swig of Budweiser.
Did you guys see Peyton’s stats? They were AWFUL.
He threw for a measly 141 yards, one interception, no touchdowns, AND he fumbled twice. How the hell did Denver win that game?
It’s one of the NFL’s great mysteries.
Like “How do referees know when they’re done wiping their ass after they take a dump?”
THE JOKE IS THAT ALL NFL REFEREES ARE BLIND, YOU SEE.
I’ll tell you how the Broncos won. On the strength of the most BADASS DEFENSIVE UNIT IN THE NFL.
It’s the day after the Super Bowl, and I’m STILL picking huge chunks of Cam Newton outta my stool.
And you are… who, exactly?
I’m Von Miller, you idiot. All-Pro outside linebacker? Your teammate for four seasons now?
Not ringing any bells.
I WAS THE SUPER BOWL MVP.
Now I know you’re lying. PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING WAS THE MVP OF THAT SUPER BOWL BECAUSE PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING IS ALWAYS THE MVP OF EVERYTHING, ALWAYS.
Not on a day when me and my crew had SEVEN sacks, THREE fumble recoveries, AND MORE QB KNOCKDOWNS THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A RIGHT TACKLE AT.
HAHAHA. I TELL YA, WE HAD MORE PENETRATION YESTERDAY THAN TOM BRADY AT THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT
And Cam Newton went down more than Jay Cutler’s Mom at the all-night Blowjob store during Shore Leave.
I don’t have to listen to any more of this. I’m leaving.
I thought you already left.
Yeah but I changed my mind and came back. But now I’m leaving again.
Hey that reminds me: congratulations on being elected to the Hall of Fame, Brett Favre.
Brett who? Oh right, that pathetic peasant who only won ONE measly Super Bowl.
TOO BAD I BROKE HIS ALL TIME RECORD YESTERDAY WITH MY 200th CAREER VICTORY.
So basically one for every inch of your forehead?
ATTABOY, SON. Way to make your old man proud. FINALLY A MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY GETS THAT ALL-IMPORTANT SECOND SUPER BOWL WIN.
4 hours ago . Like
Dad, for the last time, I also have two…
YOU SHUT YOUR PAPA JOHN’S HOLE, YOU DISLOYAL CRETIN. Don’t think I didn’t see how you REFUSED TO CELEBRATE your brother’s glorious victory yesterday.
It’s okay Dad. Eli’s just being a whiny little bitch because he knows that Mom loves me the best.
NUH-UH! MOM LOVES ME THE BEST!
Now, now. I love all three of my beautiful boys the same.
I’m just happy you remembered to include me, Mom.
Actually, I was referring to Peyton, Eli, and the dog.
Mr. Manning, I’d just like to congratulate you on your well-deserved Super Bowl win.
If indeed yesterday’s victory was the final game you’ll play in the NFL, then I can think of no more fitting end to your illustrious career.
You are truly a legend and a champion, and it has been my privilege to watch you play. I will always treasure you as a brilliant mentor, as well as a dear, dear friend.
Get fucked with a concrete dildo, Luck.
Just consider yourself lucky you weren’t playing my Packers yesterday, Manning.
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN US IN THE SUPER BOWL. THAT SUCCESSFUL HAIL MARY I THREW AGAINST ARIZONA SHOULD HAVE WON THE GAME FOR US.
SUCK IT, RODGERS. Sometimes you can complete a Hail Mary pass and still lose.
And sometimes you can miss one and still win.
WILSON, I WILL BAIL BILL COSBY OUT OF JAIL, AND SEND HIM TO YOUR HOUSE WITH A FEW HORSE TRANQUILIZERS AND A BAG FULL OF VIAGRA
BEAST MODE, MOTHERFUCKERS.
BEAST MODE COME TO DIFFICULT DECISION THAT IT TIME FOR BEAST MODE TO HANG UP CLEATS AND RETIRE FROM BEING BEAST MODE FOR GOOD.
BEAST MODE UNABLE TO CONTINUE CAREER WHILE HEART STILL HEAVY FROM SEAHAWKS LOSS TO PUNY CAROLINA PANTHERS DURING PLAYOFFS
BEAST MODE EXPECTS TO ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL EVERY SEASON, NOT BE ELIMINATED DURING DIVISIONAL ROUND LIKE SOME COMMON BENGAL.
POP QUIZ, SQUID DICKS: what do these three things all have in common:
1) Jobs2) Hope3) Johnny Manziel
Three things you can’t find in Cleveland anymore?
DING DING DING. Absolutely correct.
I also would have accepted, “words Ben Roethlisberger cannot spell.”
Listen twatbags, getting cut by the Browns will be the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUTTA CLEVELAND FASTER THAN A RAMS MOVING TRUCK SPEEDS OUTTA ST. LOUIS.
Just you wait. Next season Imma sign a brand new contract and resurrect my career as a superstar QB with the Dallas Cow…
(passes out in pool of Jack Daniels-flavored vomit)
Is that still a possibility? Johnny Football as a Cowboy would be HYSTERICAL.
Sending Johnny Manziel to Dallas is like naming Michael Vick a coach for the Puppy Bowl. It’s not going to end well.
WE DON’T NEED HIM. The Cowboys, are still MY team, and I have at least four good years left in me!
Well that'll be a nice change from the 10 crappy years you have behind you.
Listen Rodgers, I’ll have you know that I…
Well I know I still have plenty of good years left in front of me. So I really hope I can re-sign with Philadelphia.
This city has it all: Art. History. The greatest Slippery Plugs in the northeastern U.S.
Slippery what, now?
Oh, you haven’t tried one of Philly’s famous Slippery Plugs? They’re amazing. The warm, meaty, greasy texture just fills up an anus like nothing else.
Bradford, are you… are you sticking Geno’s Cheesesteaks up your asshole?
What? Of course not. Don’t be disgusting.
Oh, good. Whew.
Only Pat’s World Famous Cheesesteaks are good enough for my rectum.
Wait a minute. You mean those soggy hoagies you’ve been leaving in the locker room all season… have been up your butt?!?!
No, not all of them. Some of them I just fucked.
GODDAMMIT. I ATE ABOUT SIX DOZEN OF THOSE THINGS THIS YEAR.
I know. It was kind of rude of you to hog them all like that. They were supposed to be for everyone.
Well this just proves that Abraham Lincoln was right when he said, “Swallowing sandwiches filled with the spooge of a mediocre QB is a sure-fire way for the NFL’s leading rusher to start mega-sucking and end up getting his ass benched by midseason.”
And those words are as true today as they were back then.
DON’T FORGET THAT MY PITSBERG STEALORS BEAT AUNTIE DALTON AND THE BENGULLS IN THE PLAYOFFS
3 hours ago . Like
I didn’t even PLAY in that game Roethlisberger, you bloated Rape Ape.
Apparently, Andy Dalton’s playoff-sucking powers are now so refined, he can actually blast his team with powerful choke rays from all the way back on the bench, Kylo-Ren style.
I SHOULDA SNAPPED YOUR NECK LIKE A KIT KAT BAR, ROETHLISBERGER!
Vontaze Burfict? Outside linebacker for the Cincinnati Bengals notorious for his unethical play and late hits?
Rivers I am SO SICK of being classified as some dirty cheap shot artist.
Call me that one more time and I'll GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT WITH A RUSTY FISHING HOOK.
In other news, America, you’re now just THREE SHORT YEARS AWAY from the halftime show of Super Bowl 53 on CBS in 2019!
Will Phil Simms be calling that game too?
Which is more than Peyton Manning could say yesterday.
Laugh it up, Splotchface. But no matter what my stats were, I know I played like a SUPER BOWL CHAMPION QB.
If by that you mean that you looked like Trent Dilfer, then I agree.
RODGERS, I WILL POUND YOU FLATTER THAN A DELICIOUS PAPA JOHN’S PIZZA AVAILABLE WITH YOUR CHOICE OF FRESH TOPPINGS DELIVERED TO YOUR FRONT DOOR IN THIRTY MINUTES OR LESS.
SHUT YOUR OMAHA HOLE, MANNING. You are nothing more than the pizza burn on the mouth of Super Bowl history.
Oh Brady, you’re so frigging bitter you must cum pure lemon juice.
Don’t be sore just because I COCKWHIPPED you in the AFC Championship Game to end your last hurrah in the NFL.
THAT WAS NOT MY LAST HURRAH! I’M STILL IN THE PRIME OF MY CAREER!
That’s true. He still has three or four good scandals left in him.
Listen Manning, I know your totally undeserved Super Bowl win has you so excited that you could just squirt. But dry your panties out and listen to these cold hard facts:
When you’re old and grey and gumming your creamed corn dinner in some run down nursing home one day, I’ll still be winning more NFL titles.
BULLSHIT BRADY. There’s no way you’ll be winning a championship three years from now.
BECAUSE THAT’S HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE FOR PEYTON MANNING TO END UP IN AN OLD FOLKS’ HOME, YOU SEE.
You jizzmoppers aren’t going to ruin my good mood because I’m still riding high from this MAGNIFICENT LOMBARDI TROPHY I WON COMPLETELY ON MY OWN WITH NO HELP FROM ANYONE ELSE.
POOR CAM NEWTON. Or maybe your name should be “CAN NOTWIN,” AMIRITE?
That championship beatdown I gave him was just the crappy end to his crappy, crappy season.
Crappy season? I WAS THE LEAGUE’S MOST VALUABLE PLAYER, YOU PROLAPSED ANUS OF A MAN.
HAVEN’T WE COVERED THIS ALREADY?
I, Peyton Goddamn Manning, was the league’s M.V.P. this year beacause I, Peyton Goddman Manning am ALWAYS THE M.V.P. OF EVERYTHING!
If that acronym stands for “Most Vulgar Pitchman,” then I concur.
How in the hell could you ever be league M.V.P., Newton? YOU THROW A FOOTBALL ABOUT AS WELL AS YOUR GRANDMOTHER!
UNLESS YOUR GRANDMOTHER IS ACTUALLY GOOD AT THROWING A FOOTBALL IN WHICH CASE YOU THROW A FOOTBALL NOTHING LIKE YOUR GRANDMOTHER!
Like you’re one to talk, Manning. Your Broncos gained the fewest yards of any winning team in Super Bowl history.
You were throwing the ball out there like some drunken spider monkey who’d been taking quarterback lessons from Colin Kaepernick.
HEY! I’M OFFENDED BY THAT COMPARISON!
Frankly, so am I. (hiccup)
Um… that joke went right over my head.
Must’ve been thrown by Cam Newton then.
BECAUSE HIS PASSES WERE OVERTHROWN QUITE FREQUENTLY YESTERDAY.
SCREW THIS. I’M OUTTA HERE FOR REAL NOW. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF YOU JAGOFFS ANYMORE
That’s clearly because all the fucks you had to give were knocked out of you by DeMarcus Ware.
So what’s the decision Manning? You gonna play again next season? Or are you retiring?
2 hours ago . Like
Look, as you all know, Peyton Goddamn Manning has always conducted himself with nothing but class and integrity.
So, before I make a big decision like that, I’ll need to sit down with a six pack of cool, refreshing, ice cold Budweiser, tear open a family-size package of crispy, crunchy Ruffles brand potato chips, then settle back and enjoy the top quality premium entertainment broadcast 24 hours a day from the fine folks at Direct TV, available in a wide variety of subscription packages designed to fit any budget and… wait, what were we talking about again?
Well if you decide to retire, then do us all a favor and STAY RETIRED.
There’s nothing worse than some asshole who makes a big “I quit” speech, then changes his mind and comes back a year later.
Amen to that.
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February 6, 2017 at 10:32 pm
Please Please PLEASE make one for the Super Bowl the other night!
February 10, 2017 at 8:51 pm
Please Please PLEASE don’t. I just want to forget that game ever happened and move on.
February 28, 2017 at 7:26 am
March 14, 2017 at 9:23 pm
YOU DAMN RIGHT I’M SALTY! That game was all Atlanta all the time until they choked harder than Tony Romo in a December Football Game!
January 9, 2017 at 5:36 am
How did I not know you wrote one after last year’s Superbowl?!?! I drove about 100 people per week to this site before. We would have badgered you into making more if I knew
March 27, 2016 at 6:08 pm
I am now dripping MOIST!!
March 5, 2016 at 4:16 am
Not bad after a year off. Maybe you could do a couple during preseasons (I always found the backups one hilarious because I never knew who they were)
then one or two during the season, then the playoffs.
March 27, 2016 at 6:03 pm
Or try getting fisted by Captain Hook. Hook-first.
February 29, 2016 at 1:40 am
YESSS! YOU JUST MADE MY ENTIRE YEAR. THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS!
March 27, 2016 at 6:04 pm
Next I will make love explosion on your neck and lower back.
February 21, 2016 at 4:04 am
Good to see you haven’t lost your touch! And way to let Rodgers get his Trolljo on!
February 18, 2016 at 12:37 pm
This was the best present a guy could get! Thanks! Was like waking up Christmas morning and finding a Red Ryder BB Gun! please do at least once per year….
March 27, 2016 at 6:05 pm
I’d need your address to do that … and a shitload of BB guns
February 12, 2016 at 5:36 pm
Thank you, you made me a happy man. “There’s nothing worse than some asshole who makes a big “I quit” speech, then changes his mind and comes back a year later.” I know this applies to Brett Favre, but is it also self referential?
February 18, 2016 at 12:02 pm
No shit sherlock. Way to Rapistburger the joke.
March 27, 2016 at 6:06 pm
Your comment leaves me MOIST in a Captain Obvious sort of way.
February 11, 2016 at 8:59 am
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUUU, Dave Barry! Oh how I have missed the QBs! I can understand not doing this every week… but a Superbowl QB Facebook, just once a year, would be amazing! Thank you for the laughs, our QBs are friggin’ hilarious! I’m a die hard Houston Texan fan, it’s too bad all 11 of ours didn’t make the Superbowl convo, LOL! I understand though, it’d be way too hard to choose from all of them who to include, haha! Good Job Dave, THANKS!!
February 11, 2016 at 8:56 am
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUUU!!!!
February 10, 2016 at 5:12 pm
This hands down from start to finish was and is the best mock site ever! I still read the old ones cause they are still funny. you shouldn’t retire you should pass the torch somehow, or get more people to help you for at least one more season just to see if brady gets #5. None the less amazing job
February 10, 2016 at 6:14 am
Cannot even express my joy at seeing this when I checked the site “for old time’s sake.” I’ve missed this SO much!
February 9, 2016 at 9:23 am
Im sorry for all my trolling over the years on here
February 21, 2016 at 4:02 am
Your apology makes me MOIST!
(I’m so sorry, I couldn’t resist.)
March 27, 2016 at 6:02 pm
Well done and well MOIST
March 27, 2016 at 6:01 pm
This unmoist impostor should be impaled by 20″ dildo whilst juggling Cam Newton’s balls and gargling horse jizzm. AKA Sam Bradford’s Thursday night.
February 8, 2016 at 7:21 pm
Thank you!!! Now please, PLEASE can you just post periodical updates throughout the year? I don’t think thats too much to ask… PLEASE?
February 8, 2016 at 4:55 pm
“NOT BE ELIMINATED DURING DIVISIONAL ROUND LIKE SOME COMMON BENGAL.”
February 8, 2016 at 1:07 pm
thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was awesome – per usual – Miss this so much -please come back next season even if just a few times.
February 8, 2016 at 1:03 pm
You made our day today! And we still are your biggest fans!
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February 8, 2016 at 12:46 pm
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! Even if it’s now only once a year (PLEASE!), you still made my monday!!!!
February 8, 2016 at 11:23 am
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS FOR COMING BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jim in NYC
February 8, 2016 at 11:07 am
Glory hallelujah, my Monday is made!!!!!!!!!
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