NFL QBs On Facebook: “DIVISION BY ZEROS”

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Updated: January 12, 2015

DIVISION BY ZEROS

AARON RODGERS

IF YOU ROOTED FOR THE COWBOYS
I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON;
ME AND ROMO WENT TOE TO TOE
AND I’M THE ONE WHO WON. HAHAHA!

TONY ROMO

EAT A BAG OF SMASHED ASSHOLES, RODGERS.

TONY ROMO

You and your stupid Green Bay Cheese Weasels were LUCKY to steal that victory from us yesterday, and you KNOW it.

AARON RODGERS

AU CONTRAIRE ROMO, YOU BLEEDING HEMORROID OF A MAN. You are the one who was lucky to even share the same field with the MIGHTY AARON RODGERS.

AARON RODGERS

Obviously, your crappy Cowboys were nothing more than a silver and blue speed bump on our FAST TRACK TO THE SUPER BOWL.

TONY ROMO

SO’S YOUR FACE, RODGERS!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

That doesn’t make any sense at all, Romo.

TONY ROMO

YOUR FACE DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, KAEPERNICK.

MATT RYAN

Romo, You sound drunk. Did you soak your tampons in a wine spritzer again?

AARON RODGERS

LOLOLOLOL. I SURE DID LAY THE SMACK DOWN ON ALL THOSE DUMB COWBOYS PLAYERS!

RGIII

Isn’t the phrase “Dumb Cowboys players” kind of redundant?

DEZ BRYANT

Naw, naw, naw, that game was straight up BULLSHIT y’all.

DEZ BRYANT

MY BEAUTIFUL GOAL LINE CATCH GOT CALLED BACK BY THEM CROOKED-ASS REFS!

REFEREES

Sorry, Dez Bryant. But you failed to maintain possession of the ball all the way to the ground without making a football move.

ANDY DALTON

“Football move?” What the hell is a football move?

RAMS OWNER STAN KROENKE

What my Rams will be doing this offseason when we haul our asses out to L.A.

DEZ BRYANT

“Maintain possession all the way to the ground?” What kind of weak-ass shit is that?

DEZ BRYANT

WHOSE MOTHER DO I HAVE TO PUNCH TO GET THAT RULE OVERTURNED?

TONY ROMO

GODDAMMIT, DEZ BRYANT. If you had just maintained control of that ball, we would have WON!

TONY ROMO

WE HAD A CHANCE TO MOVE ON TO THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP! YOU BLEW OUR OPPORTUNITY!

RYAN TANNEHILL

Or you could say he seized his “Dropportunity.”

COWBOYS FANS

IT’S NOT FAIR. We had a playoff game stolen from us by a controversial referee’s call!

THE DETROIT LIONS like this

MATT STAFFORD

KARMA SURE IS A BITCH, ISN’T IT DALLAS?

KARMA

Yep. Plus I had twenty bucks on the Packers.

JERRY JONES

DAGNABBIT IT ALL.

JERRY JONES

How in tarnation did we lose that there game? WE HAD 900 POUNDS OF SOLID BEEF ON OUR SIDE!

ALEX SMITH

The Dallas offensive line?

JERRY JONES

Chris Christie.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

HE’S NOT A SVELTE MAN.

JASON GARRETT

Plus, Aaron Rodgers was limping around in the pocket with a gimpy leg. Our pass rush should have CRUSHED him!

AARON RODGERS

“Pass Rush?” Is THAT what you call those bumbling slapdicks I saw falling down all around me?

AARON RODGERS

Shit, I had so much time back there in the pocket, I thought it was a second bye week.

DREW BREES

How is that calf injury of yours anyway, Rodgers?

AARON RODGERS

My leg feels GREAT. All I had to do was follow the common medical practice of R.I.C.E.

AARON RODGERS


R = Rest
I = Ice
C = Compression
E = ELIMINATE THE FUCKING COWBOYS FROM THE PLAYOFFS. HAHAHAHA.

TONY ROMO

DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT! I really thought this was going to be our year.

MONTH OF DECEMBER

SUCK IT, TONY ROMO!

MONTH OF DECEMBER

Sure, it took a little longer than expected, but let the record show that you lost on DECEMBER 42nd! HAHAHAHA.

AARON RODGERS

WHAT A GAME! I think I’ll go shave my beard in celebration.

GENO SMITH

Why? Olivia Munn can’t shave herself?

AARON RODGERS

FUCK YOU GENO SMITH, YOU NEW YORK BOZO.

RGIII

Oh geez, are we still implying that Aaron Rodgers is gay?

RYAN TANNEHILL

Well, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's probably a duck

MATT RYAN

And if it throws like a duck and runs like a duck then it's probably Peyton Manning on a crucial 3rd down.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE HIS PASSES WERE TERRIBLE YESTERDAY, YOU SEE.

PEYTON MANNING

FUUUUUCCCCCKKK!

PEYTON MANNING

I CAN’T BELIEVE WE FUCKING LOST!

PEYTON MANNING

I’VE NEVER BEEN SO GODDAMN PISSED!

PEYTON MANNING

I WANNA MURDER ANDREW LUCK!

CARSON PALMER

Manning, must all your exclamations be to the tune of “Nationwide is on your side?” I’m sick of that tune getting stuck in my head.

TOM BRADY

AH-HA-HA-HA-HA! Manning shit the bed in the playoffs again? To the COLTS?! THAT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS!

PEYTON MANNING

FUCK YOU BRADY, YOU SHIT-SNORTING THUNDERCUNT!

ANDY DALTON

I’m pretty sure that’s what Mother Theresa’s friends called her.

ANDREW LUCK

Mr. Manning, I just want to congratulate you. It was a fine game yesterday, and it’s shame that either of us had to lose.

PEYTON MANNING

NO LUCK, YOU HAIRY PENIS WITH EARS, IT’S A SHAME THAT **I** HAD TO LOSE.

PEYTON MANNING

YOU LOSING WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST FUCKING PEACHY AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

What’s the matter Baron Von Chokelstein? Did Andrew Luck and the Colts put some frown lines in that gigantic red freakhead of yours? LOLOLOL

DREW BREES

Manning, we've always known that your body is made up of at least 75% forehead.

TOM BRADY

But now we know the other 25% is pure playoff failure. HAHAHAHA.

JOHNNY MANZIEL

WHO NEEDS ALCOHOL? I'M TOTALLY GETTING BUZZED OFF THE TEARS OF THAT OLD GUY’S COLOSSAL PLAYOFF DERP.

PEYTON MANNING

I WILL GUT EACH ONE OF YOU!

CARSON PALMER

And now the song is stuck in my head again.

ANDREW LUCK

With all due respect gentlemen, I think you’re all being far too harsh on the great Peyton Manning.

ANDREW LUCK

Mr. Manning is a legend and a champion, as well as a personal hero of mine, and I think he deserves all of our respect.

PEYTON MANNING

SHUT UP LUCK YOU WORTHLESS CLIT NIBBLE, I DON’T WANT YOU DEFENDING ME.

ALEX SMITH

That’s true Luck. If the past several games have shown us anything, it’s that Peyton Manning can’t function when ANYONE is defending him.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE PEYTON MANNING SUCKS NOW.

RYAN FITZPATRICK

Manning, I could stretch a rubber band between my thumb and forefinger, use it to launch ping pong balls against the wind on a stormy day, and they would STILL be more accurate than those dying quails you chucked around that field yesterday.

PEYTON MANNING

BULLSHIT. I AM PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING. MY PASSES ARE AS CRISP AND TIGHT AS EVER.

DREW BREES

Oh Manning. Let me list the things that now have a worse arm than you:

DREW BREES

1. Steven Hawking.

DREW BREES

2. A broken slot machine.

DREW BREES

That is the end of the list.

TOM BRADY

LESS TALKING MORE LAUGHING HAHAHAHAHAHA

RYAN TANNEHILL

Hey you guys, here’s a joke: What do you call Peyton Manning in the Playoffs?

RYAN TANNEHILL

“Ryan Leaf.” LOLOLOLOL.

RGIII

Damn, dude, that joke was low.

ANDY DALTON

Yeah. Like “Roger Goodell’s approval rating” low.

ALEX SMITH

Or, “Russell Wilson standing in a ditch” low.

ELI MANNING

Or “The Browns’ chances of ever winning a Super Bowl” low.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

IMPOSSIBLE. NOTHING IS LOWER THAN THE BROWNS CHANCES OF EVER WINNING A SUPER BOWL

BROWNS FANS

(sobs into Johnny Manziel jersey)

TOM BRADY

STILL TOO MUCH TALKY-TALKY. NOT ENOUGH LAUGHY-LAUGHY. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

PEYTON MANNING

BRADY, SO HELP ME, I WILL SLAM YOUR DICK IN A PIANO.

TOM BRADY

OH GOD PEYTON, YOUR FAILURE IS SO BUTTERY AND DELICIOUS.

TOM BRADY

It was just three years ago that you were kicked to the curb by Jim Irsay and the Colts.

TOM BRADY

And yesterday, they kicked you in the nuts on your home field just for good measure. ROFL!

JOHN ELWAY

Say, Irsay. I might be in the market for another QB pretty soon. Do you have any plans to release Andrew Luck during the offseason by any chance?

JIM IRSAY

*hic* Elway, what makes you think I’d do a damn fool thing like that?

JIM IRSAY

(passes out in pool of vodka-flavored vomit)

MATT RYAN

“Market for a new QB?” Could it be? Is Peyton Manning possibly going to retire?

DEREK CARR

He sure as shit should. That big-headed relic is so old, he farts dust.

RYAN FITZPATRICK

Say Peyton, after you leave football, maybe you could run for political office.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Yeah. I think you’d make a great Mayor of Noodlearm Island.

PEYTON MANNING

I HOPE YOU ALL EAT SHIT AND DIE.

CARSON PALMER

Fuck. That song’s never getting out of my head, is it?

MARK SANCHEZ

Hey, lay off Peyton. There’s no need to step on a QB when he’s down.

NDAMUKONG SUH

I disagree.

TOM BRADY

Changing the topic to quarterbacks who DIDN’T suck this weekend, did all you pussywarts see how I RAVEN-CLAWED Joe Flacco and his Baltimore Bungholes on Saturday?

TOM BRADY

367 YARDS! 4 TDs! 35 POINTS!

TOM BRADY

I swear, the “Comic Sans” font package has a better D than those shitty ass Ravens.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

THAT’S TYPOGRAPHY HUMOR

JOE FLACCO

GO SHIT IN YOUR UGGS, BRADY!

TOM BRADY

HA HA. WAY TO CHOKE IN THE BIGGEST GAME OF THE YEAR, COUNT SUCKULA.

TOM BRADY

Did it hurt when I sent you sliding back to your sewer of a city like the urine-gargling clusterfuck that you are?

JOE FLACCO

Listen, you Beantown Clown, that so-called “victory” of yours is TAINTED.

JOHN HARBAUGH

Yeah! Let’s talk about the Belliphant in the room: YOUR COACH’S TOTALLY ILLEGAL “ELIGIBLE RECEIVER SUBSTITUTION" BULLSHIT!

REFEREES

IT’S NOT ILLEGAL. It was just a creative way to decide who to send out on pass patterns.

JOHN HARBAUGH

BUT HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DEFEND IT? They were choosing a totally different guy, like, every 30 seconds!

BILL BELICHICK

We call that the “Cutler’s Mom” formation

TOM BRADY

ARE YOU GUYS STILL BOO-HOO’ING AND BELLYACHING ABOUT THAT, FLACCO?

TOM BRADY

I swear, there aren’t enough words in the English language that mean “vagina” for me to call your team right now.

JOE FLACCO

YOU KNOW YOU’RE LUCKY TO HAVE WON THAT GAME BRADY. We were dominating you in the first half.

DREW BREES

That’s true. We were all so impressed with the Ravens early in that game. we ordered a custom “ELITE NFL QB” jacket for Flacco at halftime.

JOE FLACCO

Wait, WHAT?

ELI MANNING

Yeah, we figured anyone who could go six full games in the playoffs without an interception deserved that title.

JOE FLACCO

But… I only made it to five and a half games.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

We know. That’s why we shredded it and used it to line my turtle’s litter box instead.

JOE FLACCO

FUCK.

TOM BRADY

Meantime my 4 TDs moved me past Joe Montana for the #1 SPOT IN NFL PLAYOFF HISTORY

JOE MONTANA

Whatever. As long as I’m still ahead of that cockgoblin Steve Young, I’m happy.

ALEX SMITH

Hey Flacco, I liked the part in Saturday’s game when you threw those two 2nd half picks.

RGIII

I liked the part when your Hail Mary pass got knocked to the ground.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

I LIKED THE PART WHEN YOU LOST.

JOE FLACCO

Shut up SHUT UP.

JOE FLACCO

Every one of your annoying comments makes me wince like someone’s dragging their fingernails down my scrotum.

SAM BRADFORD

I find that putting broken glass into my jockstrap before every game has the same effect.

JOE FLACCO

GODDAMMIT! I just can’t believe we’re eliminated from the playoffs. I’M SO ASHAMED.

JOE FLACCO

Do you realize that in our 18 years of existence, my Ravens have only managed to win TWO measly Super Bowls?

BROWNS FANS

(ties Manziel jersey into noose, slips it around neck, leaps from stool)

STEVE SMITH

GODDAMMIT JOE FLACCO, YOU LIMP-DICKED PICK ZIPPER!

PHILIP RIVERS

Steve Smith Sr.? Big-mouthed, small statured wide receiver who signed with the Ravens last March in a desperate attempt at a Super Bowl berth?

STEVE SMITH

YOU AND THAT 50-CENT SLINGSHOT YOU CALL AN ARM COST ME MY CHANCE AT A CHAMPIONSHIP, FLACKLUSTER!

JOE FLACCO

Steve, Steve, look we’ll get ‘em next year, okay?

STEVE SMITH

NEXT YEAR?! I GOTTA DRAG MY TIRED BONES BACK FOR A WHOLE 'NOTHER YEAR OF THIS SHIT?

STEVE SMITH

We’d still be in the playoffs THIS year, if your weak-ass arm wasn’t as limp as Aaron Rodger’s dick when he’s watching hot girl on girl porn!

ANDY DALTON

You shoulda stayed with the Panthers, Smith. Technically speaking, they did go further into the playoffs this year than you did.

RICHARD SHERMAN

Yeah. About three hours further. LEGION OF BOOM BITCHES.

RICHARD SHERMAN

WE POUNDED CAMELTOE NEWTON AND HIS CAROLINA VAGINAS RIGHT IN THEIR SMELLY, MEDIOCRE CATHOLES.

CAM NEWTON

GODDAMMIT. HOW DID WE POSSIBLY LOSE TO oh who am I kidding, no one expected us to beat the Seahawks anyway.

RIVERBOAT RON RIVERA

WE WERE JUST PLAYING WITH HOUSE MONEY Y’ALL, WHOOOOOO.

DREW BREES

ZZZZZZZZ. LAME.

DREW BREES

That game was so boring, I’m keeping a copy of it around for when I run out of Nyquil.

RYAN TANNEHILL

No kidding. The game started at 8:15 sharp and ended at 11:15 dull

KAM CHANCELLOR

THANKS FOR TOSSING ME THAT GAME-SEALING PICK-6, NEWTON

KAM CHANCELLOR

I’m just going to leave you some eBay-style feedback here. Let’s see, rating: “10/10 would definitely intercept again”

CAM NEWTON

Well it might have been a whole different game if my STUPID FULLBACK COULD CATCH A KEY THIRD DOWN PASS IN THE 4th QUARTER!

MIKE TOLBERT

Um…you rang?

DREW BREES

Of course not. He’s a Panther. He can’t ring.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE CAROLINA HAS NEVER WON A SUPER BOWL, YOU SEE.

CAM NEWTON

DAMMIT MIKE TOLBERT, YOU COULDN’T CATCH GONORRHEA IN A HOT TUB FULL OF KARDASHIANS!

RICHARD SHERMAN

FACE IT NEWTON: You got murdered like a main character on “Game of Thrones.”

DEREK CARR

Which main character?

RICHARD SHERMAN

Any of them.

KAM CHANCELLOR

And now, there’s just one more victim until the Super Bowl. YOUR TURN NEXT, AARON RODGERS.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

My advice to you Rodgers is to hold perfectly still. Their vision is based on movement

MATT RYAN

You’re thinking of the T-Rex from “Jurassic Park.”

CARSON PALMER

You’re right, the Seahawks defense is actually way more dangerous.

AARON RODGERS

THE MIGHTY AARON RODGERS ISN’T AFRAID OF A BUNCH OF GAPING SEA-WORDS. I’LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, YOU FLAPPY BASTARDS.

TONY ROMO

NO FAIR! It woulda been US going to the championship game next week if the officials hadn’t screwed us in Green Bay yesterday!

AARON RODGERS

QUIT YOUR WHINING, ROMO. There’s nothing more bush league than complaining about bad calls by the refs.

AARON RODGERS

You know what I say when an official’s call goes against me?

RUSSELL WILSON

“Touchdown Seahawks?”

AARON RODGERS

WILSON, AFTER I WIN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY NEXT WEEK, I’M GOING TO DIP IT IN CLOROX AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR PEEHOLE.

AARON RODGERS

SO GET READY, BECAUSE I’M COMING FOR YOU, SHORT STACK. YOU READY TO GET KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT?!

CAM NEWTON

Ooh, ooh! “Things Ray Rice says on a first date?”

ALEX SMITH

Wow, those are some pretty good games on the schedule next weekend.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Yep. Each of the QBs remaining in the playoffs have previously won at least one Super Bowl.

ANDREW LUCK

Excuse me gentlemen, but I have never won a Super Bowl.

TOM BRADY

JESUS CHRIST LUCK YOU GODDAMN ATTENTION WHORE. YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO AND RUIN EVERYTHING BY BEING DIFFERENT, DON'T YOU?

ANDREW LUCK

I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I’m so selfish sometimes.

MATT RYAN

Meanwhile the QBs who lost yesterday are a veritable Who’s Who of Horribleness.

ANDY DALTON

I know. Joe Flacco? MORE LIKE JOE “FLACCID,” AMIRITE?

DREW BREES

CAM NEWTON? MORE LIKE “CAN’T” NEWTON, AMIRITE?

RGIII

TONY ROMO? MORE LIKE “TONY NO-THROW,” AMIRITE?

ALEX SMITH

PEYTON MANNING? MORE LIKE “ELI” MANNING, AMIRITE?

PEYTON MANNING

NOW THAT’S GOING TOO FAR. YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

NFL QBs On Facebook: “DIVISION BY ZEROS”

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20 Comments

  1. Todd Fox

    January 15, 2015 at 11:08 am

    This was hilarious! Though, I think it’d be even funnier if there was a part with Archie Manning calling Peyton worthless and then getting into an argument with Oliver Luck.

  2. cloudfuel

    January 15, 2015 at 9:07 am

    Wow. This is probably my favorite one yet! Well done!

  3. Wademan

    January 13, 2015 at 10:49 am

    My favorite was ” the Comic Sans font package has a better D than the shitty ass Ravens”! Now that is clever.

  4. Anonymous

    January 12, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    Seeing Peyton struggle in the post season at first was funny now it’s just sad.9 one and dones in the post season that’s just depressing.

  5. AnonyMOOSE

    January 12, 2015 at 7:06 pm

    Svelte??? Uh… what?

  6. ifhss

    January 12, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    I called it. As a Denver fan I could not trust manning to get it done. I didn’t get to watch the game, only the highlights and YES it does look like the defense did pretty bad at first but Manning choked again! Now Fox is gone and I hope Manning leaves as well. Though if he leaves, Thomas may go as well… Welker is probably done in Denver as well (sadly). F it all… they may go into rebuild mode… sigh…

  7. Typical Seahawk Fan

    January 12, 2015 at 12:08 pm

    Woo hoo! Seahawks rule! Now we get to play a real team next week for the NFC Championship! Wonder how we’ll beat the Cheeseheads this time. An asswhooping like week 1 or another epic last minute touchdown this time to Luke Wilson since Golden Tate will be at home watching the game!

    #wewilldefinitelyrepeat
    #markmywords

  8. Almost Everyone Who Read This Convo

    January 12, 2015 at 11:06 am

    Also, doesn’t it seem a little weird for Roethlisberger to be using a word such as “svelte”?

    • DangerRuss

      January 13, 2015 at 3:00 pm

      I was thinking the same thing. Big Dumb Ben would never use that word because he doesn’t know what a dictionary is (or a thesaurus for that matter).

  9. Almost Everyone Who Read This Convo

    January 12, 2015 at 11:05 am

    Am I the only one who kept reading the Peyton Manning lines which were followed by Carson Palmer to the tune of the Nationwide Insurance Jingle?

    • Random

      January 12, 2015 at 2:13 pm

      Nope. I did the same. LOL

      • Original Poster

        January 12, 2015 at 6:27 pm

        I just did that to your response.

        (This comment was read to the tune of the Nationwide Insurance Jingle, as was Random’s comment.)

    • theshah2002

      January 13, 2015 at 7:16 am

      New Nationwide jingle:

      “Eli has more rings than me”

      (Runs away)

    • Maverick Mopete

      January 16, 2015 at 6:53 pm

      Not to be that guy, but it was kind of awkward since the Nationwide Jingle only has seven syllables/notes, and most of Peyton Manning’s lines had eight syllables.

      Na ~ tion ~ wide ~ is ~ on ~ your ~ side
      1 2 3 4 5 6 7

      So, for example, it would have worked better have Peyton said:
      “I Will Murder Andrew Luck” instead of “I Want To Murder Andrew Luck”

      I ~ Will ~ Mur ~ der ~ An ~ Drew ~ Luck
      1 2 3 4 5 6 7

      As opposed to
      I ~ Want ~ To ~ Mur ~ Der ~ An ~ Drew ~ Luck
      1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

  10. Jim in NYC

    January 12, 2015 at 11:00 am

    Saw the Chris Christie joke coming a mile away.

    Still laughed my ass off.

    (Christie might need to laugh for a couple of days to do the same…)

    • Random

      January 12, 2015 at 2:14 pm

      You mean a couple of years right?

      • Jim in NYC

        January 15, 2015 at 11:48 am

        Now you are unkind… 😀

  11. Texascheesehead

    January 12, 2015 at 10:53 am

    As a Packers fan, Wilson’s troll in this convo really hurt. It was hilarious, but I was like “ouch right in the pride” haha great job guys!

  12. PFMFan21

    January 12, 2015 at 10:22 am

    MARK SANCHEZ: Hey, lay off Peyton. There’s no need to step on a QB when he’s down.

    NDAMUKONG SUH: I disagree.

    Probably line of the convo there. There’s also this:

    JOHN HARBAUGH: BUT HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DEFEND IT? They were choosing a totally different guy, like, every 30 seconds!

    BILL BELICHICK: We call that the “Cutler’s Mom” formation

    • ACW

      January 12, 2015 at 11:49 am

      I liked:
      KARMA: Yep. Plus I had twenty bucks on the Packers.

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