IF YOU ROOTED FOR THE COWBOYS
I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON;
ME AND ROMO WENT TOE TO TOE
AND I’M THE ONE WHO WON. HAHAHA!
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
EAT A BAG OF SMASHED ASSHOLES, RODGERS.
6 hours ago . Like
You and your stupid Green Bay Cheese Weasels were LUCKY to steal that victory from us yesterday, and you KNOW it.
AU CONTRAIRE ROMO, YOU BLEEDING HEMORROID OF A MAN. You are the one who was lucky to even share the same field with the MIGHTY AARON RODGERS.
Obviously, your crappy Cowboys were nothing more than a silver and blue speed bump on our FAST TRACK TO THE SUPER BOWL.
SO’S YOUR FACE, RODGERS!
That doesn’t make any sense at all, Romo.
YOUR FACE DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, KAEPERNICK.
Romo, You sound drunk. Did you soak your tampons in a wine spritzer again?
LOLOLOLOL. I SURE DID LAY THE SMACK DOWN ON ALL THOSE DUMB COWBOYS PLAYERS!
Isn’t the phrase “Dumb Cowboys players” kind of redundant?
Naw, naw, naw, that game was straight up BULLSHIT y’all.
MY BEAUTIFUL GOAL LINE CATCH GOT CALLED BACK BY THEM CROOKED-ASS REFS!
Sorry, Dez Bryant. But you failed to maintain possession of the ball all the way to the ground without making a football move.
“Football move?” What the hell is a football move?
What my Rams will be doing this offseason when we haul our asses out to L.A.
“Maintain possession all the way to the ground?” What kind of weak-ass shit is that?
WHOSE MOTHER DO I HAVE TO PUNCH TO GET THAT RULE OVERTURNED?
GODDAMMIT, DEZ BRYANT. If you had just maintained control of that ball, we would have WON!
WE HAD A CHANCE TO MOVE ON TO THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP! YOU BLEW OUR OPPORTUNITY!
Or you could say he seized his “Dropportunity.”
IT’S NOT FAIR. We had a playoff game stolen from us by a controversial referee’s call!
6 hours ago . Like .
THE DETROIT LIONS like this
KARMA SURE IS A BITCH, ISN’T IT DALLAS?
Yep. Plus I had twenty bucks on the Packers.
DAGNABBIT IT ALL.
How in tarnation did we lose that there game? WE HAD 900 POUNDS OF SOLID BEEF ON OUR SIDE!
The Dallas offensive line?
HE’S NOT A SVELTE MAN.
Plus, Aaron Rodgers was limping around in the pocket with a gimpy leg. Our pass rush should have CRUSHED him!
“Pass Rush?” Is THAT what you call those bumbling slapdicks I saw falling down all around me?
Shit, I had so much time back there in the pocket, I thought it was a second bye week.
How is that calf injury of yours anyway, Rodgers?
My leg feels GREAT. All I had to do was follow the common medical practice of R.I.C.E.
R = Rest
I = Ice
C = Compression
E = ELIMINATE THE FUCKING COWBOYS FROM THE PLAYOFFS. HAHAHAHA.
DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT! I really thought this was going to be our year.
SUCK IT, TONY ROMO!
Sure, it took a little longer than expected, but let the record show that you lost on DECEMBER 42nd! HAHAHAHA.
WHAT A GAME! I think I’ll go shave my beard in celebration.
Why? Olivia Munn can’t shave herself?
5 hours ago . Like
FUCK YOU GENO SMITH, YOU NEW YORK BOZO.
Oh geez, are we still implying that Aaron Rodgers is gay?
Well, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's probably a duck
And if it throws like a duck and runs like a duck then it's probably Peyton Manning on a crucial 3rd down.
BECAUSE HIS PASSES WERE TERRIBLE YESTERDAY, YOU SEE.
I CAN’T BELIEVE WE FUCKING LOST!
I’VE NEVER BEEN SO GODDAMN PISSED!
I WANNA MURDER ANDREW LUCK!
Manning, must all your exclamations be to the tune of “Nationwide is on your side?” I’m sick of that tune getting stuck in my head.
AH-HA-HA-HA-HA! Manning shit the bed in the playoffs again? To the COLTS?! THAT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS!
FUCK YOU BRADY, YOU SHIT-SNORTING THUNDERCUNT!
I’m pretty sure that’s what Mother Theresa’s friends called her.
Mr. Manning, I just want to congratulate you. It was a fine game yesterday, and it’s shame that either of us had to lose.
NO LUCK, YOU HAIRY PENIS WITH EARS, IT’S A SHAME THAT **I** HAD TO LOSE.
YOU LOSING WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST FUCKING PEACHY AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED.
What’s the matter Baron Von Chokelstein? Did Andrew Luck and the Colts put some frown lines in that gigantic red freakhead of yours? LOLOLOL
Manning, we've always known that your body is made up of at least 75% forehead.
But now we know the other 25% is pure playoff failure. HAHAHAHA.
WHO NEEDS ALCOHOL? I'M TOTALLY GETTING BUZZED OFF THE TEARS OF THAT OLD GUY’S COLOSSAL PLAYOFF DERP.
I WILL GUT EACH ONE OF YOU!
And now the song is stuck in my head again.
With all due respect gentlemen, I think you’re all being far too harsh on the great Peyton Manning.
Mr. Manning is a legend and a champion, as well as a personal hero of mine, and I think he deserves all of our respect.
SHUT UP LUCK YOU WORTHLESS CLIT NIBBLE, I DON’T WANT YOU DEFENDING ME.
That’s true Luck. If the past several games have shown us anything, it’s that Peyton Manning can’t function when ANYONE is defending him.
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE PEYTON MANNING SUCKS NOW.
Manning, I could stretch a rubber band between my thumb and forefinger, use it to launch ping pong balls against the wind on a stormy day, and they would STILL be more accurate than those dying quails you chucked around that field yesterday.
BULLSHIT. I AM PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING. MY PASSES ARE AS CRISP AND TIGHT AS EVER.
Oh Manning. Let me list the things that now have a worse arm than you:
1. Steven Hawking.
2. A broken slot machine.
That is the end of the list.
LESS TALKING MORE LAUGHING HAHAHAHAHAHA
Hey you guys, here’s a joke: What do you call Peyton Manning in the Playoffs?
“Ryan Leaf.” LOLOLOLOL.
Damn, dude, that joke was low.
Yeah. Like “Roger Goodell’s approval rating” low.
Or, “Russell Wilson standing in a ditch” low.
Or “The Browns’ chances of ever winning a Super Bowl” low.
4 hours ago . Like
IMPOSSIBLE. NOTHING IS LOWER THAN THE BROWNS CHANCES OF EVER WINNING A SUPER BOWL
(sobs into Johnny Manziel jersey)
STILL TOO MUCH TALKY-TALKY. NOT ENOUGH LAUGHY-LAUGHY. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
BRADY, SO HELP ME, I WILL SLAM YOUR DICK IN A PIANO.
OH GOD PEYTON, YOUR FAILURE IS SO BUTTERY AND DELICIOUS.
It was just three years ago that you were kicked to the curb by Jim Irsay and the Colts.
And yesterday, they kicked you in the nuts on your home field just for good measure. ROFL!
Say, Irsay. I might be in the market for another QB pretty soon. Do you have any plans to release Andrew Luck during the offseason by any chance?
*hic* Elway, what makes you think I’d do a damn fool thing like that?
(passes out in pool of vodka-flavored vomit)
“Market for a new QB?” Could it be? Is Peyton Manning possibly going to retire?
He sure as shit should. That big-headed relic is so old, he farts dust.
Say Peyton, after you leave football, maybe you could run for political office.
Yeah. I think you’d make a great Mayor of Noodlearm Island.
I HOPE YOU ALL EAT SHIT AND DIE.
Fuck. That song’s never getting out of my head, is it?
Hey, lay off Peyton. There’s no need to step on a QB when he’s down.
Changing the topic to quarterbacks who DIDN’T suck this weekend, did all you pussywarts see how I RAVEN-CLAWED Joe Flacco and his Baltimore Bungholes on Saturday?
367 YARDS! 4 TDs! 35 POINTS!
I swear, the “Comic Sans” font package has a better D than those shitty ass Ravens.
THAT’S TYPOGRAPHY HUMOR
GO SHIT IN YOUR UGGS, BRADY!
HA HA. WAY TO CHOKE IN THE BIGGEST GAME OF THE YEAR, COUNT SUCKULA.
Did it hurt when I sent you sliding back to your sewer of a city like the urine-gargling clusterfuck that you are?
Listen, you Beantown Clown, that so-called “victory” of yours is TAINTED.
Yeah! Let’s talk about the Belliphant in the room: YOUR COACH’S TOTALLY ILLEGAL “ELIGIBLE RECEIVER SUBSTITUTION" BULLSHIT!
IT’S NOT ILLEGAL. It was just a creative way to decide who to send out on pass patterns.
BUT HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DEFEND IT? They were choosing a totally different guy, like, every 30 seconds!
We call that the “Cutler’s Mom” formation
ARE YOU GUYS STILL BOO-HOO’ING AND BELLYACHING ABOUT THAT, FLACCO?
I swear, there aren’t enough words in the English language that mean “vagina” for me to call your team right now.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE LUCKY TO HAVE WON THAT GAME BRADY. We were dominating you in the first half.
That’s true. We were all so impressed with the Ravens early in that game. we ordered a custom “ELITE NFL QB” jacket for Flacco at halftime.
Yeah, we figured anyone who could go six full games in the playoffs without an interception deserved that title.
But… I only made it to five and a half games.
We know. That’s why we shredded it and used it to line my turtle’s litter box instead.
Meantime my 4 TDs moved me past Joe Montana for the #1 SPOT IN NFL PLAYOFF HISTORY
3 hours ago . Like
Whatever. As long as I’m still ahead of that cockgoblin Steve Young, I’m happy.
Hey Flacco, I liked the part in Saturday’s game when you threw those two 2nd half picks.
I liked the part when your Hail Mary pass got knocked to the ground.
I LIKED THE PART WHEN YOU LOST.
Shut up SHUT UP.
Every one of your annoying comments makes me wince like someone’s dragging their fingernails down my scrotum.
I find that putting broken glass into my jockstrap before every game has the same effect.
GODDAMMIT! I just can’t believe we’re eliminated from the playoffs. I’M SO ASHAMED.
Do you realize that in our 18 years of existence, my Ravens have only managed to win TWO measly Super Bowls?
(ties Manziel jersey into noose, slips it around neck, leaps from stool)
GODDAMMIT JOE FLACCO, YOU LIMP-DICKED PICK ZIPPER!
Steve Smith Sr.? Big-mouthed, small statured wide receiver who signed with the Ravens last March in a desperate attempt at a Super Bowl berth?
YOU AND THAT 50-CENT SLINGSHOT YOU CALL AN ARM COST ME MY CHANCE AT A CHAMPIONSHIP, FLACKLUSTER!
Steve, Steve, look we’ll get ‘em next year, okay?
NEXT YEAR?! I GOTTA DRAG MY TIRED BONES BACK FOR A WHOLE 'NOTHER YEAR OF THIS SHIT?
We’d still be in the playoffs THIS year, if your weak-ass arm wasn’t as limp as Aaron Rodger’s dick when he’s watching hot girl on girl porn!
You shoulda stayed with the Panthers, Smith. Technically speaking, they did go further into the playoffs this year than you did.
Yeah. About three hours further. LEGION OF BOOM BITCHES.
WE POUNDED CAMELTOE NEWTON AND HIS CAROLINA VAGINAS RIGHT IN THEIR SMELLY, MEDIOCRE CATHOLES.
GODDAMMIT. HOW DID WE POSSIBLY LOSE TO oh who am I kidding, no one expected us to beat the Seahawks anyway.
WE WERE JUST PLAYING WITH HOUSE MONEY Y’ALL, WHOOOOOO.
That game was so boring, I’m keeping a copy of it around for when I run out of Nyquil.
No kidding. The game started at 8:15 sharp and ended at 11:15 dull
THANKS FOR TOSSING ME THAT GAME-SEALING PICK-6, NEWTON
I’m just going to leave you some eBay-style feedback here. Let’s see, rating: “10/10 would definitely intercept again”
Well it might have been a whole different game if my STUPID FULLBACK COULD CATCH A KEY THIRD DOWN PASS IN THE 4th QUARTER!
Of course not. He’s a Panther. He can’t ring.
BECAUSE CAROLINA HAS NEVER WON A SUPER BOWL, YOU SEE.
DAMMIT MIKE TOLBERT, YOU COULDN’T CATCH GONORRHEA IN A HOT TUB FULL OF KARDASHIANS!
FACE IT NEWTON: You got murdered like a main character on “Game of Thrones.”
Which main character?
Any of them.
And now, there’s just one more victim until the Super Bowl. YOUR TURN NEXT, AARON RODGERS.
My advice to you Rodgers is to hold perfectly still. Their vision is based on movement
You’re thinking of the T-Rex from “Jurassic Park.”
You’re right, the Seahawks defense is actually way more dangerous.
THE MIGHTY AARON RODGERS ISN’T AFRAID OF A BUNCH OF GAPING SEA-WORDS. I’LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, YOU FLAPPY BASTARDS.
NO FAIR! It woulda been US going to the championship game next week if the officials hadn’t screwed us in Green Bay yesterday!
2 hours ago . Like
QUIT YOUR WHINING, ROMO. There’s nothing more bush league than complaining about bad calls by the refs.
You know what I say when an official’s call goes against me?
WILSON, AFTER I WIN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY NEXT WEEK, I’M GOING TO DIP IT IN CLOROX AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR PEEHOLE.
SO GET READY, BECAUSE I’M COMING FOR YOU, SHORT STACK. YOU READY TO GET KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT?!
Ooh, ooh! “Things Ray Rice says on a first date?”
Wow, those are some pretty good games on the schedule next weekend.
Yep. Each of the QBs remaining in the playoffs have previously won at least one Super Bowl.
Excuse me gentlemen, but I have never won a Super Bowl.
JESUS CHRIST LUCK YOU GODDAMN ATTENTION WHORE. YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO AND RUIN EVERYTHING BY BEING DIFFERENT, DON'T YOU?
I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I’m so selfish sometimes.
Meanwhile the QBs who lost yesterday are a veritable Who’s Who of Horribleness.
I know. Joe Flacco? MORE LIKE JOE “FLACCID,” AMIRITE?
CAM NEWTON? MORE LIKE “CAN’T” NEWTON, AMIRITE?
TONY ROMO? MORE LIKE “TONY NO-THROW,” AMIRITE?
PEYTON MANNING? MORE LIKE “ELI” MANNING, AMIRITE?
NOW THAT’S GOING TOO FAR. YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
You must be logged in to post a comment.
January 15, 2015 at 11:08 am
This was hilarious! Though, I think it’d be even funnier if there was a part with Archie Manning calling Peyton worthless and then getting into an argument with Oliver Luck.
January 15, 2015 at 9:07 am
Wow. This is probably my favorite one yet! Well done!
January 13, 2015 at 10:49 am
My favorite was ” the Comic Sans font package has a better D than the shitty ass Ravens”! Now that is clever.
January 12, 2015 at 10:01 pm
Seeing Peyton struggle in the post season at first was funny now it’s just sad.9 one and dones in the post season that’s just depressing.
January 12, 2015 at 7:06 pm
Svelte??? Uh… what?
January 12, 2015 at 2:29 pm
I called it. As a Denver fan I could not trust manning to get it done. I didn’t get to watch the game, only the highlights and YES it does look like the defense did pretty bad at first but Manning choked again! Now Fox is gone and I hope Manning leaves as well. Though if he leaves, Thomas may go as well… Welker is probably done in Denver as well (sadly). F it all… they may go into rebuild mode… sigh…
Typical Seahawk Fan
January 12, 2015 at 12:08 pm
Woo hoo! Seahawks rule! Now we get to play a real team next week for the NFC Championship! Wonder how we’ll beat the Cheeseheads this time. An asswhooping like week 1 or another epic last minute touchdown this time to Luke Wilson since Golden Tate will be at home watching the game!
Almost Everyone Who Read This Convo
January 12, 2015 at 11:06 am
Also, doesn’t it seem a little weird for Roethlisberger to be using a word such as “svelte”?
January 13, 2015 at 3:00 pm
I was thinking the same thing. Big Dumb Ben would never use that word because he doesn’t know what a dictionary is (or a thesaurus for that matter).
January 12, 2015 at 11:05 am
Am I the only one who kept reading the Peyton Manning lines which were followed by Carson Palmer to the tune of the Nationwide Insurance Jingle?
January 12, 2015 at 2:13 pm
Nope. I did the same. LOL
January 12, 2015 at 6:27 pm
I just did that to your response.
(This comment was read to the tune of the Nationwide Insurance Jingle, as was Random’s comment.)
January 13, 2015 at 7:16 am
New Nationwide jingle:
“Eli has more rings than me”
January 16, 2015 at 6:53 pm
Not to be that guy, but it was kind of awkward since the Nationwide Jingle only has seven syllables/notes, and most of Peyton Manning’s lines had eight syllables.
Na ~ tion ~ wide ~ is ~ on ~ your ~ side
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
So, for example, it would have worked better have Peyton said:
“I Will Murder Andrew Luck” instead of “I Want To Murder Andrew Luck”
I ~ Will ~ Mur ~ der ~ An ~ Drew ~ Luck
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
As opposed to
I ~ Want ~ To ~ Mur ~ Der ~ An ~ Drew ~ Luck
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Jim in NYC
January 12, 2015 at 11:00 am
Saw the Chris Christie joke coming a mile away.
Still laughed my ass off.
(Christie might need to laugh for a couple of days to do the same…)
January 12, 2015 at 2:14 pm
You mean a couple of years right?
January 15, 2015 at 11:48 am
Now you are unkind… 😀
January 12, 2015 at 10:53 am
As a Packers fan, Wilson’s troll in this convo really hurt. It was hilarious, but I was like “ouch right in the pride” haha great job guys!
January 12, 2015 at 10:22 am
MARK SANCHEZ: Hey, lay off Peyton. There’s no need to step on a QB when he’s down.
NDAMUKONG SUH: I disagree.
Probably line of the convo there. There’s also this:
JOHN HARBAUGH: BUT HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DEFEND IT? They were choosing a totally different guy, like, every 30 seconds!
BILL BELICHICK: We call that the “Cutler’s Mom” formation
January 12, 2015 at 11:49 am
KARMA: Yep. Plus I had twenty bucks on the Packers.
You must be logged in to post a comment
Hey, does anyone remember back in February when I wrote that I...
INDIANAPOLIS – Blake Bortles, Teddy Bridgewater, and Johnny Manziel, considered to be...