Hey, are any of you guys planning a trip to California soon?
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
If so, you’re welcome to stay at my house. IT’S THE BIG FIELD WITH THE 49ers LOGO ON IT. HAHAHA!
6 hours ago . Like
SHUT YOUR SMOKEHOLE, JAY CUTLER. HOW DARE YOU SPOIL THE FIRST EVER GAME IN OUR NEW STADIUM?
“Spoil? Kaepernick, my 4 TDs didn’t spoil your stadium’s debut.
YOUR THREE INTERCEPTIONS AND COSTLY FUMBLE DID THAT FOR ME. AHAHAHAHAHA!
CUTLER, DON’T YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE OFF TO FUCK TO?
Holy cripes, KaeperPick. Three INTs and a fumble?
If modern science ever develops a method to convert suck into electricity, that performance alone could power the Bay area for decades.
ITS THE ULTIMATE IN RENEWABLE ENERGY.
Oh man, Kaepernick’s failure was so perfect, Tony Romo herself couldn’t have derped it up better.
Shows what you douche chuggers know. MY COWBOYS DISMEMBERED THE TITANS 26-10 YESTERDAY!
Big deal, Romo. You beat Jake Locker.
Tony Romo against Jake Locker is a battle of a Has-Been versus a Never Was.
Say what you will, but I gave Locker his first loss LIKE A BOSS while his inbred fans watched.
HOW DID MY BALLS TASTE DURING THAT TEA-BAGGING I GAVE YOU, LOCKER?
Romo, I’m guessing your balls taste like Joe Buck’s lip gloss and Troy Aikman’s mouthwash.
FOX SPORTS IS GENERALLY ALL OVER TONY ROMO’S NUTS.
Still though, you have to admit it is strange. Romo played an entire game, and somehow managed to not blow a 4th quarter lead?
Well, this whole week has been strange, And depressing too.
Right? Child abuse. Fiancée punching. Evidence cover-ups. Injuries.
We seriously need some happy news to cheer us up.
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. MY SAINTS ARE 0-2!?!?!?!
That’ll work. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ALL HAIL HOYER THE DESTROYER!
LEADER OF BROWNS. DEFEATER OF SAINTS. AND MIGHTY KEEPER OF MANZIELS ON BENCHES!
THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. WE WERE WINNING THAT GAME!
How could we possibly blow a lead to the BROWNS of all losers?
Brees, did you hang out with Romo again this week?
We went to the science museum. They showed us this totally cool machine that transports your molecules across a room. Drew and I rode it together!
Holy crap. That explains it! TONY ROMO AND DREW BREES’ MOLECULES HAVE BEEN INTERMINGLED, LIKE IN THAT FAMOUS MOVIE!
I was thinking of “Brokeback Mountain” but yeah “The Fly” works too.
THINK ABOUT IT: Romo was mistake free, and led an efficient, high-scoring offense to victory?
While Brees blew a 4th quarter lead and let all his teammates and fans down.
THEY’RE TAKING ON THE TENDENCIES OF EACH OTHER!
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
But this CAN’T be true! I still feel like myself!
Well, except for this big, goofy, shit-eating grin I can’t seem to wipe off my face.
Romo conversion: 25% complete
5 hours ago . Like
NO! I CAN’T BE TURNING INTO TONY ROMO! THAT WOULD BE THE DEATH OF MY CAREER!
SCREW YOU GUYS. ASSOCIATING WITH ME IS A DELIGHTFUL EXPERIENCE, AND NOT SOMETHING THAT SENDS YOUR CAREER INTO A DOWNWARD SPIRAL!
I beg to differ.
Don’t feel too bad, Brees. Just remember, victories are like tricycles
ALEX SMITH DOESN’T HAVE ANY TRICYCLES. LOLOLOLOL. 2-0 BRONCOS, WHOOOOO!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR END ZONE-SIZED HEAD, MANNING
Aw, Alex. I’m so sorry I had to curbstomp you and your Chiefs by seven points yesterday.
Let me make it up to you, pal. Every offseason, I host a “Manning passing academy” with my Dad where we teach little kids some of the basic QB skills.
Why don’t you come next March so you can improve your meager talents?
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TUTOR ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR GRADE SCHOOL KIDS, MANNING
Actually, I was going to have the kids tutor you.
HERE’S A BETTER IDEA MANNING: WHY DON’T YOU SHOVE A GIANT TAMPON DOWN YOUR THROAT TO STOP THE ENDLESS STREAM OF SHIT THAT KEEPS POURING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?
I don’t think Alex Smith understands how tampons work.
SAY HELLO TO THE NEW AND IMPROVED BUFFALO BILLS, BITCHES! NOW WITH 100% MORE AWESOME!
Hey, maybe our new owner could rename us “The tuna nets” on account of how we SLAUGHTERED A BUNCH OF DOLPHINS YESTERDAY!
Wow that is really harsh.
So’s your QB rating.
What happened Tannehill? I thought this was going to be your breakout season?
Instead your performance was so worthless, that if you were a superhero, you’d be Aquaman,
BECAUSE AQUAMAN IS THE MOST WORTHLESS HERO OF ALL.
GODDAMMIT! I still can’t BELIEVE that I lost to E.J. Manuel and the lowly Bills.
DEAL WITH IT, FISHFACE. You can’t fatten up your win total by playing Tom Brady and the Patsies every week.
MANUEL, I WILL STOMP YOU DOWN SO LOW, PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU’RE THE NFL’S CURRENT FAVORABILITY RATING AMONG WOMEN’S GROUPS.
Besides, my Pats are WELL on our way back to the top of the division after that 30-7 SKOL-FUCKING we gave Matt Cassel and the Vikings yesterday.
YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY BLAME ME FOR THAT LOSS!
Why not? You threw four interceptions.
Well when you say it that way, it almost sounds bad.
Now now, Cassel’s poor performance is somewhat understandable.
Remember, he played for us in New England for a few years, so we have a pretty accurate scouting report on him.
What does his scouting report say?
“Sucks at football.” HAHAHAHA.
QUIT BEING SO COCKY, BRADY. You won’t be the QB of the Patriots forever.
Oh, I know. One day I’ll eventually retire.
That’s when I’ll pack up all my stuff, and move out to Los Angeles. Just like your team will be doing one day.
YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH.
RHYME TIME, Y’ALL!
ROSES ARE RED
VIOLETS ARE BLUE
MY TEAM'S 2-0
FUCK ALL OF YOU!
You stole that from one of Shakespeare’s earlier sonnets, didn’t you Newton?
4 hours ago . Like
LOLOL. I WHIPPED UP ON DONKEY KONG SUH AND THE LIONS JUST LIKE I KNEW I WOULD!
Yes, that was a frustrating loss, but hopefully next week…
DID EVERYONE HEAR MY CLEVER WORDPLAY? HOW I CHANGED NDAMUKONG SUH’S NAME SO IT SOUNDS LIKE “DONKEY KONG?”
Yes, yes, we all heard you Newton.
That’s very clever, and not at all a dated gag from three years ago.
Next week I play the Steelers. MAN I CAN’T WAIT TO PLAY “TROY PAC-MAN-AMALU!”
Fine. Very witty.
AND “Q-BERT” BEN ROETHLISBERGER!
AND HEATH “THE LEGEND OF ZELDA” MILLER!
THAT’S ENOUGH. WE GET IT.
Darn it. I was really hoping my Lions could get to 2-0 #DreamBig, #ThisSeasonsRuined #WhatDoesAPlayoffWinFeelLike?
HAHA Stafford. My Panthers beat you by SEVENTEEN whole points.
WHY, YOU’RE SO WORTHLESS THAT IF YOU WERE AN NFL QB, YOU’D BE TONY ROMO!
HEY, YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
OH MY GOD, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
Brees, are you… are you now wearing a backwards ball cap in your profile picture?
Romo conversion: 75% complete
Hey can anyone recommend some good skin cream?
I’ve got a weird scar-type thing that’s growing on my face all of a sudden
Brees conversion: 75% complete
OMG! THEY’RE MERGING INTO ONE SINGLE HORRIFYING ENTITY!
Ooh, ooh. “Things you say when Gary Busey and Ann Coulter have sex?"
Can we stop talking about hideous genetic mutants long enough to acknowledge that MY BENGALS ARE 2-AND-MUTHAFUCKIN’-OHHHHHHH!
And it wouldn’t have been possible without the three very generous INTs Matt Ryan bestowed upon our defense. THANKS MATTY ICE-COLD.
DALTON, I WILL RIP YOUR DICK OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR NOSE SIDEWAYS!
There’s no way you can fit an entire penis into one single nostril.
Not with that attitude.
I CAN’T BELIEVE THE NEWS ABOUT RGIII! I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
What, that he got hurt?
No, that it took him so long to get hurt.
HE’S QUITE INJURY PRONE.
So who had the “under” for week 2 in our “Robert Griffin injury pool?”
FUCK OFF, DICKWEEDS. Yes, my ankle hurts, but I am NOT as brittle as you guys say I am.
Griffin, we could place a dozen delicate crystal wine glasses in a plastic bag, smash them repeatedly against the sidewalk, and they would still be less brittle than your twig-like bones.
THIS IS TERRIBLE. THE REDSKINS CAN’T POSSIBLY SURVIVE WITHOUT ME. I'M THEIR FRANCHISE PLAYER!
Um, your team got crushed last week with you at the helm.
3 hours ago . Like
And without you yesterday, they won by 31 points.
Hey, Robert? Listen, there’s no rush getting back, okay? You just take it niiice and slow.
That’s right. Because the Redskins are now under the command of CAPTAIN KIRK COUSINS, COMMANDER OF THE STARSHIP KICKASS.
Our defense’s TEN sacks of Chad Henne also kind of helped us win yesterday.
Holy crap, 10 sacks? Chad Henne got bounced around more in that game than Andy Reid’s man-boobs on a treadmill.
So Robert Griffin is now irrelevant? Okay, we’ll give you a 7th round pick for him.
No need for that. TOSSIN’ AUSTIN DAVIS is here to lead the Rams to victory over the Buccaneers.
Something called an “Austin Davis” has a win this year, and Drew Brees doesn’t? HA!
You think that’s bad? How do you think Josh McCown feels? He LOST to that Austin Davis thing.
Is it too early to say, “Just wait ‘til next year?”
Ask a Raiders fan. They’re very familiar with that phrase.
Especially now that I gave ‘em their usual 0-2 start.
AND GUESS WHO HAS MORE TD CATCHES THIS SEASON THAN VICTOR CRUZ, ALSHON JEFFERY AND LARRY FITZGERALD COMBINED? J.J. WATT-A-STUD, THAT’S WHO.
Wow, J.J. Watt is catching TD passes now? Man, is there anything that guy can’t do?
Find his team a quality QB?
NO NEED TO. I've guided the Texans to a 2-0 record! There is NO WAY a fast start like that will not result in a playoff appearance.
The Texans started off 2-0 last season, and ended up 2-14, remember?
I prefer not to live in the past
If I had your crappy career, I wouldn’t want to either.
Beast Mode, motherfuckers. Sighhhhh.
Beast Mode experiencing period of mournfulness and woe. Loss to puny Chargers leave sour taste in Beast Mode mouth like so many stale lemon Skittles.
Marshawn Lynch? Monosyllabic running back who’s been suddenly humbled by the SEAHAWK-ALYPSE I dished out yesterday?
WELL, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TEST ME WITH A SORRY-ASS DEFENSIVE BACKFIELD LIKE THAT “LEGION OF BLAH.”
HAHAHA. MAN, IT SURE WAS FUN TO EXPOSE RICHARD SHERMAN YESTERDAY.
Oh sure, when you do it, it’s “fun.” But when I expose dick, I get kicked out of the public library.
“DICK” IS SHORT FOR “RICHARD,” YOU SEE.
Hey Seahawks. Pass defense is a lot harder when you’re not allowed to grab and hold like Cutler’s Mom at a penis petting zoo, isn’t it?
YOUR SECONDARY COLLAPSED YESTERDAY LIKE ADRIAN PETERSON’S REPUTATION WITH A CHILDREN’S ADVOCACY GROUP!
Whoa, WHOA. Manning, that comment is WAY out of bounds.
No, we reviewed it. The comment seems totally in bounds to us.
BECAUSE THOSE REFS MISSED IT WHEN PERCY HARVIN WENT OUT OF BOUNDS IN HIS LONG TD RUN YESTERDAY, YOU SEE.
Oh, what a PERFECT day of football that was!
Russell Wilson got his ass HANDED to him like the ass-less maggot he is, while Geno Smith and the Jets learned that NO LEAD IS SAFE AGAINST THE MIGHTY AARON RODGERS!
YOU’RE JUST LUCKY, RODGERS!
Sure, we blew a big lead in that game, but we STILL almost scored late to beat you like a one-legged wombat in a…
What? You can’t call a time out. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO COMPLETE MY BRILLIANT COMEBACK.
Sorry. Time out was called. Comeback thwarted.
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE JETS COACH MARTY MORNINGWOOD ACTUALLY DID THIS FOR REAL IN THAT GAME YESTERDAY.
It’s not “Morningwood,” Ben
2 hours ago . Like
SORRY TO HEAR THAT RYAN TANNEHILL. HAVE YOU TRIED VIAGARA?
Let’s all remember that at least ONE Drew has a victory this year.
DREW STANTON AND THE CARDINALS BEAT ELI MANNING AND THE GIANTS, AND IS CLEARLY THE DOMINANT “DREW” IN THE NFL THIS SEASON.
YOU ARE NOT DOMINANT OVER ME!
I WILL THROW FOR 5,000 YARDS A YEAR, AND STILL END UP 8-8!
EEK! THEY’VE TAKEN THEIR FINAL FORMS!
Wow, this is cool. Now Drew and I can be together forever!
Kill me. KIIIIILL MEEEEE!
ALRIGHT ALL YOU LOUSY, ROTTEN, NO-GOODNIKS. TIME FOR YOU TO FESS UP.
Roger Goodell? Embattled NFL commissioner and friend to wife-beaters everywhere?
THAT’S EXACTLY THE ATTITUDE I NEED TO CHANGE!
This has been an AWFUL week, and it’s important to make sure that the valuable NFL brand is not tarnished any further.
And, uh, also to make sure that no more women and children get beaten up by NFL players again, right?
Let’s not lose focus here.
After all the bad press I’ve had this week, I do NOT need any more surprises.
So I'm demanding RIGHT NOW that all you ne’er-do-wells confess to me any dark, scandalous secrets you have, so I can be ready if you show up on TMZ sometime Tuesday or Wednesday.
Well, I’ve been hosting "fuzzy bunny vs. baby chicks" death matches in my basement.
What are those like?
Okay, I admit it! I RECORDED THE DODGERS-GIANTS GAME ON SATURDAY WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL! I’M A MONSTER!
And I’M planning a vicious mass-murder of 46 Seattle Seahawks next Sunday,
SO LUBE UP YOUR ANUS WITH THOSE TEARS OF FAILURE, RUSSELL WILSON, BECAUSE A BIG BRONCO BUTT-REAMING IS HEADING YOUR WAY FROM A SOUTHEASTERLY DIRECTION.
And don’t forget that of the two of us, I’M the one with the “0” in the loss column.
That’s nice. It’ll make up for the ring we denied you last February.
WILSON, I WILL DESTROY YOU WORSE THAN ROGER GOODELL’S PROFESSIONAL CREDIBILITY!
You must be logged in to post a comment.
September 15, 2014 at 3:57 pm
Thank God no one is whispering *penis*.
September 16, 2014 at 7:57 am
But you just did! He’s the penis whisperer! Burn him! Burn him! Or put him through a ridiculous trial to prove his innocence in which case he’s screwed either way!
September 16, 2014 at 6:13 pm
You jinxed it, he just came back.
September 15, 2014 at 3:54 pm
Kind of isapoointed that they didn’t do opposite day this week.
September 15, 2014 at 3:51 pm
I ated the purple berries………they taste like burning
September 15, 2014 at 2:45 pm
Please tell me that the name of The Thing is really Tdorneyw Brroemeos
Typical Seahawk Fan
September 15, 2014 at 1:56 pm
*burning Richard Sherman jersey*
*buying an Antonio Gates jersey*
September 15, 2014 at 1:51 pm
Good qb convo as usual. And the Tony Brees and Brees Romo was hilarious.
September 15, 2014 at 1:52 pm
I meant Drew Romo.
September 15, 2014 at 9:54 pm
I second that.
Really good running gag, handled nicely.
(Hoping after next weeks games they return to their usual bodies)
September 16, 2014 at 8:59 am
Yeah it was a nice gag. And I too hope it doesn’t go on for to long. Or it won’t be too funny anymore.
Guy Who Hates Russell Wilson
September 15, 2014 at 1:40 pm
Ha! Wilson lost!
September 15, 2014 at 10:16 pm
I still have a Super Bowl ring. Do you?
September 16, 2014 at 8:51 am
It don’t matter you will never win another ring. Your game manger ass needs the defense to keep the opposing offense under 20 points, and you need beast mode to have 100+ rush yards to win games. And that’s why you lost to the lousy chargers! Cause your ass can’t put up 400+ passing yards, and 4+ tds to save your life!
September 16, 2014 at 8:53 am
Also you should of never had that ring in the first place. But no the 49ers had to choke, and the Broncos had to blow it harder than Jay Cutler’s mom giving a blow job.
September 16, 2014 at 8:56 am
Shh it’s ok we understand your still pissed off at Wilson getting a ring. Don’t have to continue being a butthurt troll.
September 15, 2014 at 12:38 pm
BECAUSE DREW BREES WAS A WORSE QUARTERBACK THAN TONY ROMO THIS WEEK.
You must be logged in to post a comment
Hey, does anyone remember back in February when I wrote that I...
INDIANAPOLIS – Blake Bortles, Teddy Bridgewater, and Johnny Manziel, considered to be...