NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: “BE VERY AFRAID”

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Updated: September 15, 2014

BE VERY AFRAID 475

JAY CUTLER

Hey, are any of you guys planning a trip to California soon?

JAY CUTLER

If so, you’re welcome to stay at my house. IT’S THE BIG FIELD WITH THE 49ers LOGO ON IT. HAHAHA!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

SHUT YOUR SMOKEHOLE, JAY CUTLER. HOW DARE YOU SPOIL THE FIRST EVER GAME IN OUR NEW STADIUM?

JAY CUTLER

“Spoil? Kaepernick, my 4 TDs didn’t spoil your stadium’s debut.

JAY CUTLER

YOUR THREE INTERCEPTIONS AND COSTLY FUMBLE DID THAT FOR ME. AHAHAHAHAHA!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

CUTLER, DON’T YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE OFF TO FUCK TO?

NICK FOLES

Holy cripes, KaeperPick. Three INTs and a fumble?

CARSON PALMER

If modern science ever develops a method to convert suck into electricity, that performance alone could power the Bay area for decades.

MATT STAFFORD

ITS THE ULTIMATE IN RENEWABLE ENERGY.

AARON RODGERS

Oh man, Kaepernick’s failure was so perfect, Tony Romo herself couldn’t have derped it up better.

TONY ROMO

Shows what you douche chuggers know. MY COWBOYS DISMEMBERED THE TITANS 26-10 YESTERDAY!

TOM BRADY

Big deal, Romo. You beat Jake Locker.

ANDY DALTON

Tony Romo against Jake Locker is a battle of a Has-Been versus a Never Was.

TONY ROMO

Say what you will, but I gave Locker his first loss LIKE A BOSS while his inbred fans watched.

TONY ROMO

HOW DID MY BALLS TASTE DURING THAT TEA-BAGGING I GAVE YOU, LOCKER?

JAKE LOCKER

Romo, I’m guessing your balls taste like Joe Buck’s lip gloss and Troy Aikman’s mouthwash.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

FOX SPORTS IS GENERALLY ALL OVER TONY ROMO’S NUTS.

JOE FLACCO

Still though, you have to admit it is strange. Romo played an entire game, and somehow managed to not blow a 4th quarter lead?

RYAN FITZPATRICK

Well, this whole week has been strange, And depressing too.

NICK FOLES

Right? Child abuse. Fiancée punching. Evidence cover-ups. Injuries.

CAM NEWTON

We seriously need some happy news to cheer us up.

DREW BREES

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. MY SAINTS ARE 0-2!?!?!?!

CAM NEWTON

That’ll work. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BRIAN HOYER

ALL HAIL HOYER THE DESTROYER!

BRIAN HOYER

LEADER OF BROWNS. DEFEATER OF SAINTS. AND MIGHTY KEEPER OF MANZIELS ON BENCHES!

DREW BREES

THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. WE WERE WINNING THAT GAME!

DREW BREES

How could we possibly blow a lead to the BROWNS of all losers?

CARSON PALMER

Brees, did you hang out with Romo again this week?

DREW BREES

Yes, unfortunately.

TONY ROMO

We went to the science museum. They showed us this totally cool machine that transports your molecules across a room. Drew and I rode it together!

NICK FOLES

Holy crap. That explains it! TONY ROMO AND DREW BREES’ MOLECULES HAVE BEEN INTERMINGLED, LIKE IN THAT FAMOUS MOVIE!

JOE FLACCO

“The Fly?”

NICK FOLES

I was thinking of “Brokeback Mountain” but yeah “The Fly” works too.

NICK FOLES

THINK ABOUT IT: Romo was mistake free, and led an efficient, high-scoring offense to victory?

NICK FOLES

While Brees blew a 4th quarter lead and let all his teammates and fans down.

NICK FOLES

THEY’RE TAKING ON THE TENDENCIES OF EACH OTHER!

GEENA DAVIS

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

DREW BREES

But this CAN’T be true! I still feel like myself!

DREW BREES

Well, except for this big, goofy, shit-eating grin I can’t seem to wipe off my face.

ROMO CONVERSION COUNTER

Romo conversion: 25% complete

NICK FOLES

IT BEGINS!

DREW BREES

NO! I CAN’T BE TURNING INTO TONY ROMO! THAT WOULD BE THE DEATH OF MY CAREER!

TONY ROMO

SCREW YOU GUYS. ASSOCIATING WITH ME IS A DELIGHTFUL EXPERIENCE, AND NOT SOMETHING THAT SENDS YOUR CAREER INTO A DOWNWARD SPIRAL!

JESSICA SIMPSON

I beg to differ.

PEYTON MANNING

Don’t feel too bad, Brees. Just remember, victories are like tricycles

DREW BREES

How so?

PEYTON MANNING

ALEX SMITH DOESN’T HAVE ANY TRICYCLES. LOLOLOLOL. 2-0 BRONCOS, WHOOOOO!

ALEX SMITH

FUCK YOU AND YOUR END ZONE-SIZED HEAD, MANNING

PEYTON MANNING

Aw, Alex. I’m so sorry I had to curbstomp you and your Chiefs by seven points yesterday.

PEYTON MANNING

Let me make it up to you, pal. Every offseason, I host a “Manning passing academy” with my Dad where we teach little kids some of the basic QB skills.

PEYTON MANNING

Why don’t you come next March so you can improve your meager talents?

ALEX SMITH

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TUTOR ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR GRADE SCHOOL KIDS, MANNING

PEYTON MANNING

Actually, I was going to have the kids tutor you.

ALEX SMITH

HERE’S A BETTER IDEA MANNING: WHY DON’T YOU SHOVE A GIANT TAMPON DOWN YOUR THROAT TO STOP THE ENDLESS STREAM OF SHIT THAT KEEPS POURING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

JOE FLACCO

I don’t think Alex Smith understands how tampons work.

E.J. MANUEL

SAY HELLO TO THE NEW AND IMPROVED BUFFALO BILLS, BITCHES! NOW WITH 100% MORE AWESOME!

E.J. MANUEL

Hey, maybe our new owner could rename us “The tuna nets” on account of how we SLAUGHTERED A BUNCH OF DOLPHINS YESTERDAY!

ELI MANNING

Wow that is really harsh.

JAY CUTLER

So’s your QB rating.

E.J. MANUEL

What happened Tannehill? I thought this was going to be your breakout season?

E.J. MANUEL

Instead your performance was so worthless, that if you were a superhero, you’d be Aquaman,

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE AQUAMAN IS THE MOST WORTHLESS HERO OF ALL.

RYAN TANNEHILL

GODDAMMIT! I still can’t BELIEVE that I lost to E.J. Manuel and the lowly Bills.

E.J. MANUEL

DEAL WITH IT, FISHFACE. You can’t fatten up your win total by playing Tom Brady and the Patsies every week.

TOM BRADY

MANUEL, I WILL STOMP YOU DOWN SO LOW, PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU’RE THE NFL’S CURRENT FAVORABILITY RATING AMONG WOMEN’S GROUPS.

TOM BRADY

Besides, my Pats are WELL on our way back to the top of the division after that 30-7 SKOL-FUCKING we gave Matt Cassel and the Vikings yesterday.

MATT CASSEL

YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY BLAME ME FOR THAT LOSS!

BRIAN HOYER

Why not? You threw four interceptions.

MATT CASSEL

Well when you say it that way, it almost sounds bad.

TOM BRADY

Now now, Cassel’s poor performance is somewhat understandable.

TOM BRADY

Remember, he played for us in New England for a few years, so we have a pretty accurate scouting report on him.

PEYTON MANNING

What does his scouting report say?

TOM BRADY

“Sucks at football.” HAHAHAHA.

MATT CASSEL

QUIT BEING SO COCKY, BRADY. You won’t be the QB of the Patriots forever.

TOM BRADY

Oh, I know. One day I’ll eventually retire.

TOM BRADY

That’s when I’ll pack up all my stuff, and move out to Los Angeles. Just like your team will be doing one day.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS FANS

YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH.

CAM NEWTON

RHYME TIME, Y’ALL!

CAM NEWTON

ROSES ARE RED
VIOLETS ARE BLUE
MY TEAM'S 2-0
FUCK ALL OF YOU!

CARSON PALMER

You stole that from one of Shakespeare’s earlier sonnets, didn’t you Newton?

CAM NEWTON

LOLOL. I WHIPPED UP ON DONKEY KONG SUH AND THE LIONS JUST LIKE I KNEW I WOULD!

MATT STAFFORD

Yes, that was a frustrating loss, but hopefully next week…

CAM NEWTON

DID EVERYONE HEAR MY CLEVER WORDPLAY? HOW I CHANGED NDAMUKONG SUH’S NAME SO IT SOUNDS LIKE “DONKEY KONG?”

JAY CUTLER

Yes, yes, we all heard you Newton.

JAY CUTLER

That’s very clever, and not at all a dated gag from three years ago.

CAM NEWTON

Next week I play the Steelers. MAN I CAN’T WAIT TO PLAY “TROY PAC-MAN-AMALU!”

JAY CUTLER

Fine. Very witty.

CAM NEWTON

AND “Q-BERT” BEN ROETHLISBERGER!

JAY CUTLER

Okay, whatever.

CAM NEWTON

AND HEATH “THE LEGEND OF ZELDA” MILLER!

JAY CUTLER

THAT’S ENOUGH. WE GET IT.

MATT STAFFORD

Darn it. I was really hoping my Lions could get to 2-0 #DreamBig, #ThisSeasonsRuined #WhatDoesAPlayoffWinFeelLike?

CAM NEWTON

HAHA Stafford. My Panthers beat you by SEVENTEEN whole points.

CAM NEWTON

WHY, YOU’RE SO WORTHLESS THAT IF YOU WERE AN NFL QB, YOU’D BE TONY ROMO!

DREW BREES

HEY, YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

DREW BREES

OH MY GOD, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

E.J. MANUEL

Brees, are you… are you now wearing a backwards ball cap in your profile picture?

ROMO CONVERSION COUNTER

Romo conversion: 75% complete

TONY ROMO

Hey can anyone recommend some good skin cream?

TONY ROMO

I’ve got a weird scar-type thing that’s growing on my face all of a sudden

BREES CONVERSION COUNTER

Brees conversion: 75% complete

NICK FOLES

OMG! THEY’RE MERGING INTO ONE SINGLE HORRIFYING ENTITY!

CAM NEWTON

Ooh, ooh. “Things you say when Gary Busey and Ann Coulter have sex?"

ANDY DALTON

Can we stop talking about hideous genetic mutants long enough to acknowledge that MY BENGALS ARE 2-AND-MUTHAFUCKIN’-OHHHHHHH!

ANDY DALTON

And it wouldn’t have been possible without the three very generous INTs Matt Ryan bestowed upon our defense. THANKS MATTY ICE-COLD.

MATT RYAN

DALTON, I WILL RIP YOUR DICK OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR NOSE SIDEWAYS!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

There’s no way you can fit an entire penis into one single nostril.

SAM BRADFORD

Not with that attitude.

RYAN TANNEHILL

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE NEWS ABOUT RGIII! I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

ALEX SMITH

What, that he got hurt?

RYAN TANNEHILL

No, that it took him so long to get hurt.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

HE’S QUITE INJURY PRONE.

CARSON PALMER

So who had the “under” for week 2 in our “Robert Griffin injury pool?”

ELI MANNING

Me.

TOM BRADY

Me.

DR. JAMES ANDREWS

Me.

RGIII

FUCK OFF, DICKWEEDS. Yes, my ankle hurts, but I am NOT as brittle as you guys say I am.

ANDY DALTON

Griffin, we could place a dozen delicate crystal wine glasses in a plastic bag, smash them repeatedly against the sidewalk, and they would still be less brittle than your twig-like bones.

RGIII

THIS IS TERRIBLE. THE REDSKINS CAN’T POSSIBLY SURVIVE WITHOUT ME. I'M THEIR FRANCHISE PLAYER!

BRIAN HOYER

Um, your team got crushed last week with you at the helm.

E.J. MANUEL

And without you yesterday, they won by 31 points.

JAY GRUDEN

Hey, Robert? Listen, there’s no rush getting back, okay? You just take it niiice and slow.

KIRK COUSINS

That’s right. Because the Redskins are now under the command of CAPTAIN KIRK COUSINS, COMMANDER OF THE STARSHIP KICKASS.

RYAN KERRIGAN

Our defense’s TEN sacks of Chad Henne also kind of helped us win yesterday.

PEYTON MANNING

Holy crap, 10 sacks? Chad Henne got bounced around more in that game than Andy Reid’s man-boobs on a treadmill.

ST. LOUIS RAMS

So Robert Griffin is now irrelevant? Okay, we’ll give you a 7th round pick for him.

AUSTIN DAVIS

No need for that. TOSSIN’ AUSTIN DAVIS is here to lead the Rams to victory over the Buccaneers.

CAM NEWTON

Something called an “Austin Davis” has a win this year, and Drew Brees doesn’t? HA!

JOE FLACCO

You think that’s bad? How do you think Josh McCown feels? He LOST to that Austin Davis thing.

JOSH McCOWN

Is it too early to say, “Just wait ‘til next year?”

TOM BRADY

Ask a Raiders fan. They’re very familiar with that phrase.

RYAN FITZPATRICK

Especially now that I gave ‘em their usual 0-2 start.

J.J. WATT

AND GUESS WHO HAS MORE TD CATCHES THIS SEASON THAN VICTOR CRUZ, ALSHON JEFFERY AND LARRY FITZGERALD COMBINED? J.J. WATT-A-STUD, THAT’S WHO.

CARSON PALMER

Wow, J.J. Watt is catching TD passes now? Man, is there anything that guy can’t do?

JAY CUTLER

Find his team a quality QB?

RYAN FITZPATRICK

NO NEED TO. I've guided the Texans to a 2-0 record! There is NO WAY a fast start like that will not result in a playoff appearance.

ANDY DALTON

The Texans started off 2-0 last season, and ended up 2-14, remember?

RYAN FITZPATRICK

I prefer not to live in the past

TOM BRADY

If I had your crappy career, I wouldn’t want to either.

MARSHAWN LYNCH

Beast Mode, motherfuckers. Sighhhhh.

MARSHAWN LYNCH

Beast Mode experiencing period of mournfulness and woe. Loss to puny Chargers leave sour taste in Beast Mode mouth like so many stale lemon Skittles.

PHILIP RIVERS

Marshawn Lynch? Monosyllabic running back who’s been suddenly humbled by the SEAHAWK-ALYPSE I dished out yesterday?

PHILIP RIVERS

WELL, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TEST ME WITH A SORRY-ASS DEFENSIVE BACKFIELD LIKE THAT “LEGION OF BLAH.”

PHILIP RIVERS

HAHAHA. MAN, IT SURE WAS FUN TO EXPOSE RICHARD SHERMAN YESTERDAY.

SAM BRADFORD

Oh sure, when you do it, it’s “fun.” But when I expose dick, I get kicked out of the public library.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

“DICK” IS SHORT FOR “RICHARD,” YOU SEE.

PEYTON MANNING

Hey Seahawks. Pass defense is a lot harder when you’re not allowed to grab and hold like Cutler’s Mom at a penis petting zoo, isn’t it?

PEYTON MANNING

YOUR SECONDARY COLLAPSED YESTERDAY LIKE ADRIAN PETERSON’S REPUTATION WITH A CHILDREN’S ADVOCACY GROUP!

JOE FLACCO

Whoa, WHOA. Manning, that comment is WAY out of bounds.

REFS FROM THE CHARGERS GAME

No, we reviewed it. The comment seems totally in bounds to us.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE THOSE REFS MISSED IT WHEN PERCY HARVIN WENT OUT OF BOUNDS IN HIS LONG TD RUN YESTERDAY, YOU SEE.

AARON RODGERS

Oh, what a PERFECT day of football that was!

AARON RODGERS

Russell Wilson got his ass HANDED to him like the ass-less maggot he is, while Geno Smith and the Jets learned that NO LEAD IS SAFE AGAINST THE MIGHTY AARON RODGERS!

GENO SMITH

YOU’RE JUST LUCKY, RODGERS!

GENO SMITH

Sure, we blew a big lead in that game, but we STILL almost scored late to beat you like a one-legged wombat in a…

MARTY MORNHINWEG

TIME OUT!!!!!!

GENO SMITH

What? You can’t call a time out. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO COMPLETE MY BRILLIANT COMEBACK.

REFS FROM THE PACKERS GAME

Sorry. Time out was called. Comeback thwarted.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE JETS COACH MARTY MORNINGWOOD ACTUALLY DID THIS FOR REAL IN THAT GAME YESTERDAY.

RYAN TANNEHILL

It’s not “Morningwood,” Ben

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

SORRY TO HEAR THAT RYAN TANNEHILL. HAVE YOU TRIED VIAGARA?

DREW STANTON

Let’s all remember that at least ONE Drew has a victory this year.

DREW STANTON

DREW STANTON AND THE CARDINALS BEAT ELI MANNING AND THE GIANTS, AND IS CLEARLY THE DOMINANT “DREW” IN THE NFL THIS SEASON.

DREW ROMO

YOU ARE NOT DOMINANT OVER ME!

TONY BREES

I WILL THROW FOR 5,000 YARDS A YEAR, AND STILL END UP 8-8!

NICK FOLES

EEK! THEY’VE TAKEN THEIR FINAL FORMS!

TONY BREES

Wow, this is cool. Now Drew and I can be together forever!

DREW ROMO

Kill me. KIIIIILL MEEEEE!

ROGER GOODELL

ALRIGHT ALL YOU LOUSY, ROTTEN, NO-GOODNIKS. TIME FOR YOU TO FESS UP.

PHILIP RIVERS

Roger Goodell? Embattled NFL commissioner and friend to wife-beaters everywhere?

ROGER GOODELL

THAT’S EXACTLY THE ATTITUDE I NEED TO CHANGE!

ROGER GOODELL

This has been an AWFUL week, and it’s important to make sure that the valuable NFL brand is not tarnished any further.

E.J. MANUEL

And, uh, also to make sure that no more women and children get beaten up by NFL players again, right?

ROGER GOODELL

Let’s not lose focus here.

ROGER GOODELL

After all the bad press I’ve had this week, I do NOT need any more surprises.

ROGER GOODELL

So I'm demanding RIGHT NOW that all you ne’er-do-wells confess to me any dark, scandalous secrets you have, so I can be ready if you show up on TMZ sometime Tuesday or Wednesday.

MICHAEL VICK

Well, I’ve been hosting "fuzzy bunny vs. baby chicks" death matches in my basement.

GENO SMITH

What are those like?

MICHAEL VICK

Adorably bloody.

ANDREW LUCK

Okay, I admit it! I RECORDED THE DODGERS-GIANTS GAME ON SATURDAY WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL! I’M A MONSTER!

PEYTON MANNING

And I’M planning a vicious mass-murder of 46 Seattle Seahawks next Sunday,

PEYTON MANNING

SO LUBE UP YOUR ANUS WITH THOSE TEARS OF FAILURE, RUSSELL WILSON, BECAUSE A BIG BRONCO BUTT-REAMING IS HEADING YOUR WAY FROM A SOUTHEASTERLY DIRECTION.

PEYTON MANNING

And don’t forget that of the two of us, I’M the one with the “0” in the loss column.

RUSSELL WILSON

That’s nice. It’ll make up for the ring we denied you last February.

PEYTON MANNING

WILSON, I WILL DESTROY YOU WORSE THAN ROGER GOODELL’S PROFESSIONAL CREDIBILITY!

NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: “BE VERY AFRAID”

Leave a Reply

17 Comments

  1. Asshole

    September 15, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    Thank God no one is whispering *penis*.

    • Random Accuser

      September 16, 2014 at 7:57 am

      But you just did! He’s the penis whisperer! Burn him! Burn him! Or put him through a ridiculous trial to prove his innocence in which case he’s screwed either way!

    • Name

      September 16, 2014 at 6:13 pm

      You jinxed it, he just came back.

  2. AnonyMOOSE

    September 15, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Kind of isapoointed that they didn’t do opposite day this week.

  3. Ralph Wiggum

    September 15, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    I ated the purple berries………they taste like burning

  4. toadofsteel

    September 15, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    Please tell me that the name of The Thing is really Tdorneyw Brroemeos

  5. Typical Seahawk Fan

    September 15, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

    *burning Richard Sherman jersey*
    *buying an Antonio Gates jersey*

    Go Chargers!!!!

  6. Anonymous

    September 15, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    Good qb convo as usual. And the Tony Brees and Brees Romo was hilarious.

    • Anonymous

      September 15, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      I meant Drew Romo.

      • Brickfinger

        September 15, 2014 at 9:54 pm

        I second that.

        Really good running gag, handled nicely.

        (Hoping after next weeks games they return to their usual bodies)

        • Anonymous

          September 16, 2014 at 8:59 am

          Yeah it was a nice gag. And I too hope it doesn’t go on for to long. Or it won’t be too funny anymore.

  7. Guy Who Hates Russell Wilson

    September 15, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Ha! Wilson lost!

    • Russell Wilson

      September 15, 2014 at 10:16 pm

      I still have a Super Bowl ring. Do you?

      • Guy Who Hates Russell Wilson

        September 16, 2014 at 8:51 am

        It don’t matter you will never win another ring. Your game manger ass needs the defense to keep the opposing offense under 20 points, and you need beast mode to have 100+ rush yards to win games. And that’s why you lost to the lousy chargers! Cause your ass can’t put up 400+ passing yards, and 4+ tds to save your life!

        • Guy Who Hates Russell Wilson

          September 16, 2014 at 8:53 am

          Also you should of never had that ring in the first place. But no the 49ers had to choke, and the Broncos had to blow it harder than Jay Cutler’s mom giving a blow job.

    • Anonymous

      September 16, 2014 at 8:56 am

      Shh it’s ok we understand your still pissed off at Wilson getting a ring. Don’t have to continue being a butthurt troll.

  8. Ben Roethlisberger

    September 15, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    BECAUSE DREW BREES WAS A WORSE QUARTERBACK THAN TONY ROMO THIS WEEK.

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