So, how did you ladies spend your first game of the 2013 season?
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
Because I spent mine wiping my ass with Baltimore’s toilet paper defense FOR 7 BIG FAT TDs!!!! WHOOOO!!!
6 hours ago . Like .
The Guy You Were Probably Playing in Fantasy Football This Week likes this
Son of a BITCH!
6 hours ago . Like
I TOLD you Flacco! Didn’t I tell you that the home team almost always wins the season opener?
YES, BUT WE SHOUL HAVE BEEN THE HOME TEAM!!!!
Sorry, can’t hear you over the sound of me NOT GIVING A FUCK. HAHAHAHA.
IT WASN’T MY FAULT! MY RECEIVERS KEPT ROPPING MY PASSES!
Oh Flacco. You know how they say, “it’s a poor carpenter that blames his tools?”
Well I prefer, “it’s a poor carpenter who drafts Joe Flacco in his fantasy league, because Joe Flacco throws like a right-handed 8-year old girl using her left hand.” HAHAHAHAHA
SUCK MY ICK, MANNING!
What the hell’s wrong with your replies, Flacco?
Oh I get it. It’s because his “D” is malfunctioning.
I can confirm this.
You see, it’s funny because it’s a reference to both the crappy Baltimore defense, and Joe Flacco’s impotence.
So should we rename Joe Flacco, “Joe Flaccid?”
Isn’t that too “on-the-nose?”
Or maybe it’s too “on-the-dick?”
At least someone’s on the dick.
Come on over to my mansion this week, Joe Flacco’s wife. You can see my ONE-AND-OH FACE.
For your information Brady, we ALMOST beat you. And you really didn’t play all that great.
Rookie, for YOUR information, there are only two things that I am not great at:
1. Not being handsome
2. Not being AWESOME.
Fuck this. When does hockey season start?
I mean, I’d have to be a completely pathetic failure to lose a game in the closing seconds to a rookie QB. Who could possibly do that anyway?
5 hours ago . Like
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Uh, Josh Freeman? That was your cue to say “Sup”
The fuck it is. I AM NOT THE REASON MY BUCS LOST TO THE STUPID JETS YESTERDAY.
(shoves Joe Flacco)
HEY! What are your pushing me for? I stepped out of this convo a whole page ago.
That’s just how I roll, baby.
It’s funny because Lavonte David shoved Geno Smith out of bounds and gave the Jets a free shot at a last second field goal.
GODDAMMIT! We were so close to winning that game. SO CLOSE!
Freeman, the way you let those guys come from behind like that, I almost mistook you for Cutler’s Mom.
LEAVE MY MOM OUT OF THIS!
Said no orgy organizer, ever.
That game was AWESOME. GENO SMITH FOR THE LAST SECOND WIN, BABY.
Enjoy it rooktard. Because THIS week you get to taste the fury of a TOM BRADY BOSTON TEABAGGING.
Man, what a great schedule. E.J. Manuel and Geno Smith twice each this season? IT'S LIKE I PLAY AGAINST BUMBLING ROOKIES ALL YEAR!
Hey Butt-Chin, you play me in week 4. And I'M no rookie.
Really? Because you SURE PLAYED LIKE ONE YESTERDAY. HAHAHAHAHA
Hey Ryan, remember how you gave me shit because of the interceptions I threw in last year’s game?
LOOKS LIKE THE FAIL’S ON THE OTHER FOOT NOW, ISN”T IT?
SHUT UP. I only threw one interception.
That’s right. Just one little old, GAME LOSING INTERCEPTION INTO THE END ZONE AS TIME EXPIRED TO LET DOWN YOUR ENTIRE TEAM. LOLOLOL.
You went full Romo, Ryan. You should never go full Romo.
Oh Ryan, a classic interception like that deserves a great name.
How about “The Fourth Quarter Falcon Fail?”
That’s a terrible name. It’s not catchy at all
No, it’s the perfect name because HIS THROW WASN’T CATCHY EITHER. HAHAHAHA.
MATT RYAN YOU BONY LITTLE WEASEL-FACED TURD!
Hey Tony. Tough loss yesterday, huh?
Don’t you “Tony” me you clogged dick vein of a man. I CAME BACK FOR ONE LAST YEAR TO WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP, AND YOU’RE ALREADY FUCKING IT UP.
AFTER ALL THE PRO-BOWL YEARS I WASTED PLAYING FOR CRAP TEAMS, YOU DAMN WELL BETTER GET ME TO THE SUPER BOWL!
3 hours ago . Like .
Steven Jackson likes this
HEY FUN FACT YOU GUYS: I ALREADY HAVE ONLY 1 LESS PASSING TD THIS YEAR THAN THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS HAD ALL OF LAST SEASON
Wow, that is surprising. The Kansas City Chiefs scored a touchdown last season?
Geez Alex Smith, your Chiefs were PITIFUL last year.
I WASN’T EVEN ON THE CHIEFS LAST YEAR!
And yet you are now. How’d that happen again?
EAT SQUIRREL SHIT, KAEPERNICK! I THREW TWO TDS YESTERDAY AND WE WON THE GAME
Yeah, against Jacksonville. That’s about as easy as scheduling a game of kickball against the J.V. squad of the local Amputee Academy.
And then they don’t show up, so you play Jacksonville instead.
Meantime, I made Aaron Rodgers and the Packers my personal bitch. YET AGAIN.
STICK YOUR DICK IN A TOASTER, KAEPERNICK!
Last season, I had 181 yards rushing during the NFC Championship game, and yesterday I had 412 YARDS PASSING WITH 3 TDs!
You memorized all your stats?
Nope. GOT ‘EM TATTOO’ED ON MY COCK.
And there was still room left over to add “Official Packer Smacker” up near the tip.
ARGGGGGHHH! I HATE SCRAMBLING QUARTERBACKS FROM THE NFC WEST!
IF I COUD HAVE JUST THROWN A TD PASS IN THE 4th QUARTER WE WOULD HAVE WON
You mean, the way I did?
WILSON, I WILL STRAP YOU AND COLIN KAEPERNICK EACH TO A CHAIR, PRY YOUR EYES OPEN “CLOCKWORK ORANGE” STYLE, AND FORCE YOU TO WATCH THAT ANNOYING MADDEN COMMERCIAL YOU TWO MADE TOGETHER UNTIL YOU’RE DRIVEN INSANE FROM IT’S IDIOCY!
So you’re gonna make ‘em watch it twice?
All you gas-passers better recognize that I had a 78 YARD TOUCHDOWN RUN ON MY FIRST PLAY FROM SCRIMMAGE! WHOOOO.
THIS YEAR, I’M SETTING THAT SINGLE SEASON RUSHING RECORD FOR SURE. YEAH BOI!
Adrian, you do realize that we lost the game right?
Did we? Huh. I don’t usually check the final score until, like, Tuesday or Wednesday.
You’re an amazing talent Adrian. But I really wish you’d focus more on team victories and less on individual records.
I’ll focus more on team victories if you do.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Who do you start as our QB again?
Christian somebody or other.
Peterson, you’re not even the league leader in rushing.
THAT distinction belongs to some RB named Terrelle Pryor of Oakland
I’m a QB actually.
I’ve seen you throw. I disagree.
Congratulations on an excellent first start, Terrelle. You may have lost the game, but you proved that you have a bright future in this league
Luck, if your nose was any more brown, it would be moving to Baltimore.
TERRELLE PRYOR, YOU JOB STEALING, TURD-JUGGLING THUNDERCUNT. THAT STARTING QB SPOT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!
Get over it Flynn. He earned that job. You’re nothing more than a terrible QB.
He’s a terrible QB who can run.
Man, I love taking a job away from an inferior talent
Tell me about it.
Bitch, I will CUT YOU.
It’s funny because Carrie Underwood stole Faith Hill’s singing job on Sunday Night Football, you see.
Ben? You okay buddy?
Your joke explanations seem a little less… forceful today.
They’re not as penetrating as usual
You normally thrust them on us more aggressively than this.
WE’RE REFERENCING THE FACT THAT YOU’RE A RAPIST.
I haz a sad, you guys.
My best lineman, Morris Bouncey, suffered an ouchie yesterday.
And my team lost to the Tennasey Tight ‘Uns.
There’s always a bright side Ben. Just remember that I threw for 6 more touchdowns than you and Jake Locker COMBINED.
How is that a bright side for me?
Who cares about you? It makes me so happy that I STAT-GASM FOR HOURS UNTIL I SPRAY WIN-JISM ALL OVER MYSELF. HAHAHA.
All we needed was one more touchdown to tie the game.
DON’T SAY THAT WORD!
See? I KNEW that Weeden was allergic to those.
No, don’t say “tie.” Legend tells us that if the word “tie,” is uttered three times in a convo, then he will appear.
AHHH! COVER YOUR EYES!
Hey, did you guys see that we BARELY avoided overtime against the Cardinals?
Thank goodness, because otherwise that game might have ended up in a tie.
And you know what they say about ties.
WE DON’T WANT TO KNOW!
What? It’s like kissing your sister, right?
A tie is like guzzling a tall glass of your aunt’s used douchewater then spitting it back into your Grandpa’s missing eye socket while your jerk off the family rottweiler’s “red rocket.”
BRB you guys. I have to go wash my eyes out with bleach after reading that.
WE ARE NOT MAKING A BIG ENOUGH DEAL OVER THE FACT THAT I THREW SEVEN TOUCHDOWNS
Really? ‘Cause respectfully, it kind of feels like you’ve made quite a big deal about it already.
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS THROWN SEVEN TD’S IN ONE GAME SINCE 1969!
Coincidentally, that’s also the last time Brandon Weeden won a football game.
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE HE’S SO OLD
Hey, I’m feeling better you guys.
See Roethlisberger? That’s why they say, “when you get knocked off the roofie’d sorority girl, you just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and slide right back into that saddle."
TO PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVE, IF EACH OF MY TD PASSES WAS A SAILOR ON SHORE LEAVE BANGING JAY CUTLER’S MOM, THAT WOULD BE NEARLY ONE THIRD OF HER NIGHTLY BUSINESS!
Hey, guess what I have that none of you jagoffs do?
A complete lack of friends?
A permanent black cloud of suck that hovers above your head, raining failure down upon you wherever you go?
WRONG. I have SOLE POSSESSION OF FIRST PLACE IN MY DIVISION
Only because my Redskins haven’t played yet!
And neither have my Eagles.
And neither have my Redskins
Romo you fucktard. My Saints ALSO have sole possession of first place.
So do my Bengals
You lost to me yesterday, Firecrotch.
I know. But everyone else in my division lost too. So we’re all 0-1 and tied for the division lead.
We’ll take it. FIRST PLACE BABY.
AS I WAS SAYING, My Cowboys are 1-0 thanks to our DOMINATION of Eli Manning last night.
Hey Eli. I hope you enjoyed that BEATDOWN we gave you on national TV
Romo, I hope you enjoyed that basket of poisonous spiders I had delivered to your locker room after the game.
Actually, I dropped those in the hallway on the way over there.
DAMMIT! How about the box of spitting cobras?
Fumbled those too.
I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE TRUSTED YOU WITH THOSE IMPORTANT HANDOFFS
BECAUSE DAVID WILSON FUMBLES A LOT, YOU SEE.
Remember Romo: I still wiped my ass with that toilet paper defense of yours for 450 YARDS AND 4 TOUCHDOWNS
HEY! That toilet paper gag is a registered Peyton Manning property. DON’T BE STEALING MY JOKE, ELISHA
Well, I just figured that, you know, brothers share things, right?
WRONG! MY BRONCOS PLAY YOUR DEFENSELESS GNATS THIS WEEK, AND THAT MAKES YOU THE ENEMY.
SO PREPARE YOUR ANUS FUCKNUTS, BECAUSE WE’RE COMING IN DRY!
THIS is what I’ve been waiting for. My only two sons, in a fight to the finish. At stake: THEIR FATHER’S LOVE.
I keep telling you Dad. You have THREE sons.
Oh really? How many touchdowns did YOU throw this weekend?
YOU KNOW THAT I WORK FOR AN ENERGY INVESTMENT BANKING FIRM!
Well that’s nice, Pumpkin. Fathers love hearing about their daughters’ successful careers.
So Dad, will you be coming to the game with one of those “half-and-half” jerseys?
Close. I’ll be coming to the game with one of those “High powered contract lawyers.” BECAUSE WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU TWAT DROPPINGS LOSES THIS GAME IS OUT OF MY WILL!
Fine by me. My team actually has running backs and a defense.
Not to mention a QB that threw for SEVEN MOTHERFUCKING TOUCHDOWNS!!!!
Daaaaad! MAKE HIM STOP!
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January 17, 2014 at 9:34 am
i wish there was more of russell wilson
October 25, 2013 at 12:20 am
“TOM BRADY – I mean, I’d have to be a completely pathetic failure to lose a game in the closing seconds to a rookie QB. Who could possibly do that anyway?”
Wow, Brady opened his suck too soon.
September 24, 2013 at 6:14 am
Ben Rothlisraper – It’s because he thinks the read was great.
Love how Ben explains all the jokes lolz
September 15, 2013 at 12:34 pm
Perhaps just as humorous as the mock QB Facebook conversation are the comments from morons whining about stuff not discussed regarding their team’s performance. “Hey, I get humor!”
September 14, 2013 at 11:16 am
Actually Tom Brady lost to Russell Wilson in the closing second of a game last year…
(“I mean, I’d have to be a completely pathetic failure to lose a game in the closing seconds to a rookie QB. Who could possibly do that anyway?”)
September 12, 2013 at 9:52 pm
Forgot to add, my other fav troll Bradford. two must haves!
September 12, 2013 at 9:51 pm
This was cool. I see some ppl didnt like the off-season convo’s. Personally the draft was hilarious. But as long as i get my Wilson troll comment, im good.
September 12, 2013 at 4:56 pm
I don’t know about them being Giants fans… and Cowboys haters narrows it down to about 95% of the country.
I wouldn’t want to be a Cowboy fan this year either… you almost lost to a Giants team begging to lose the game. They had to hand you the ball SIX times to give you the win… and let’s face it, they were about to win with only the 5 turnovers.
And come on, the Eagles, really? With all the running around Vick is doing it will be 3 to 4 weeks tops before he looks like the loser in a dog fight. The Cowgirls will implode for some insane reason (one way or another linked to Jerry Jones). So it comes down to whether or not RGIII can stay alive or the Giants win the division by default.
September 11, 2013 at 10:30 pm
These guys are confirmed Giants fans (or Cowboys haters, or both).
“Remember Romo: I still wiped my ass with that toilet paper defense of yours for 450 YARDS AND 4 TOUCHDOWNS”
Yeah, and THREE interceptions; including a whole bucket of retard on the FIRST PLAY FROM SCRIMMAGE where you threw a screen pass directly to DeMarcus Ware.
That second interception was on Eli Manning too. Threw way behind his receiver and gift wrapped it for a lurking Will Allen.
Sure, the third one wasn’t his fault…but since when do we give losing quarterbacks a pass on flak about their losses when they turn the ball over three times just because they put up a bunch of yards and scored a few TDs? Does no one remember this site’s teardown of Romo when he lost 29-24 to the Giants last year? Or when Romo lost to the Saints in Week 16? To reiterate above posts, the NFL QBs chat is funny and the characters are interesting; but based on the way this conversation went I would have had no clue that the Giants didn’t lead the entire game and literally derped away every opportunity at every turn to go ahead (likewise, how is the focus on Ben losing his center when his team lost to the effing TITANS).
When the Giants are 0-2 after PFM throws for another 7 TDs next week (*especially* if the Cowboys/Eagles are 2-0) we’ll see if the good guys over at NFL QBs have the stones to rag on their own team. If we see Eli Manning bring up the Super Bowl season where the Giants started out 0-2 then we’ll know *exactly* how homer these guys are lol.
September 11, 2013 at 12:15 pm
These kill me. I can’t stop laughing every week here in the office. Great writing!!
September 11, 2013 at 8:53 am
Woo hoo! Regular season convos, baby! Love it!
September 10, 2013 at 6:06 pm
“And neither have my Redskins” and I DIED laughing.
September 10, 2013 at 5:18 pm
I think you’re all dumbasses.
September 10, 2013 at 2:44 pm
Whoa – Thanks for the Shout out Tom. Somehow I knew you’d take notice of my teams name this year (Boston Teabaggers Party) Much love – but try to get a few more points on Thursday.
September 10, 2013 at 1:59 pm
Does anyone else feel like Anonymous could be renamed Rothlesburger? I am cracking up her
September 10, 2013 at 12:51 pm
Lol if spelling is an issue then half the posts on here should be laughed at. It’s funnier that you chuckle heads throw out words like hyperbole and don’t know what they mean. I’m sure that impresses your dungeons and dragons buddies, but people that actually know what the words mean think you sound stupid. If the best you can come up with is that something was spelled wrong its pretty sad. How about a valid arguement that actually contradict the observation? For the record ” well I think it’s funny ” isn’t a valid argument. What’s even funnier to me is that you all are trying so hard to argue that the bit is funny and I never said it wasn’t. Pay attention and read slow if you have to. Hell, read with your finger if it helps some of you. I was just making an observation and trying to get an answer from the author. I will now sit back and wait for the inevitable responses from the slow witted to explain comedy to me and tell me it’s funny when I’ve already said it was funny.
September 10, 2013 at 12:05 pm
I swear guys, I really can spell and use correct grammar. It really is just the auto-correct on my phone!
Sure it is.
September 10, 2013 at 10:19 am
I am a rabid drunk fans in a parking lot. That happens to think that this is accurate and funny
. Go Cincinnati Bungholes
September 10, 2013 at 8:54 am
The author probably is a Bengals fan, or possibly a thoroughly disgruntled Browns fan. What other NFL fans would be so sick of facing Monday mornings that they would resort to this creative brilliance… just to satisfy their interest in football and make Monday morning enjoyable again? A die-hard Jaguars fan watching Tom Coughlin win super bowls with the Giants is another possibility.
September 10, 2013 at 7:07 am
Typing on a phone with auto correct folks. The point is the point. If you can’t come up with a better arguement then typographical errors its weak. Point is the author has a slant. Andy Dalton has problems throwing the long ball. Has he thrown a long pass? Yes. However we don’t see an exaggeration of that! Furthermore if we use you all arguement that ” it’s funny because its not true” then this bit would be hilarious if every week the whole thing was about how Peyton Manning and Tom Brady can’t throw touchdowns. Would that be funny? No. Having said that this is a funny bit for the most part. However I noticed one interesting break from their standard comedy mold which made me wonder if there was a little loyalty to their team. I called them out on it out of curiosity. If you all aren’t smart enough to get that I feel very sorry for you. My comment was simply posted to see if there would be a honest response where their loyalties lie. To be honest I noticed it less in comments about my team and more in the fact that Andy Dalton wasn’t getting the same treatment everyone else’s QB was getting. Bottom line I get the bit. What I was questioning was the parts when it steps outside of the mold of the bit. All I was trying to see was if the author would say” yes I’m a Bengals fan”. Nothing more.
I wish they would have waited until after the monday night games to do this one Im sure Matt Schaub would have a lot more to say as well as Vick and RG3 going at it otherwise hilarity still
September 10, 2013 at 6:58 am
Is Andy Dalton allowed to talk about sole possession, seeing as how he doesn’t possess a soul?
September 10, 2013 at 5:26 am
Actually if she’s not fat and everyone knows it, it’s even funnier.
September 10, 2013 at 5:15 am
Much needed comic relief…my team lost this week. Looking for a better week this week.
September 9, 2013 at 11:53 pm
Funny due* to that
September 9, 2013 at 10:55 pm
than* a Chinese telephone book
September 9, 2013 at 5:34 pm
Nice try throwing out an SAT word , Brandon , but it doesn’t work unless you use it properly. A hyperbole is a figure of speech that isn’t meant to be taken literally. For example” I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”. Doesn’t really apply here. Now what we are talking about here is a bit that uses caricature( note the proper use of a SAT word) which is predominately funny do to that. Now when it steps outside of the caricature and just goes for the weak shot its not funny. Ill put it in terms maybe someone of your limited intelligence can understand. Lets say I say” your mom is so fat she has more chins then a Chinese telephone book” that’s funny if she is actually fat. If she isn’t fat then I just sound stupid. Once again I laugh at my team all the time. The part where they referenced Browns fans thinking we will take the conference because everyone lost yesterday was hilarious. It’s funny because its caricature. I’ll laugh all day long at what’s rooted in at least partial truth. However when it’s baseless it just sounds like homers spouting uninformed cuts .
September 9, 2013 at 5:31 pm
Sam Bradford i literally almost died
September 9, 2013 at 4:23 pm
I thought kap would say something about that tie! But still funny a’f Yeah I’m a niners fan!
September 9, 2013 at 3:11 pm
Why do I have to play Roethlisberger here (minus all the raping). Anonymous, you need to learn what comedic devices are. In the case of laughing at Weeden never throwing a TD, it is funny because he has thrown TDs. Look up the word hyperbole.
September 9, 2013 at 1:27 pm
Kap….. make sure to keep room on your junk for the rest if these clowns. You pass like manning (the good one) and run better than all of them. Thanks bouldin. You look good in 81, sorry T.O
September 9, 2013 at 1:20 pm
you guys should make the pictures bigger. They really make it funnier, but you can hardly see it unless you can zoom in on an iphone or ipad.
September 9, 2013 at 12:04 pm
I get that players get reputations. Trust me I think it’s very funny to poke fun at everyone’s team including mine. Which yes is the Browns. Being a Browns fan you have to laugh at yourself. However having said that part of the fun of these posts is recapping the stuff that actually happened. If the best cut that can be come up with is your team sucks because you sucked last year then it loses something. My only point was noticing an elevation of Andy Dalton character wise as if he was Tom Brady or Peyton Manning. I got no problem laughing at the crappy play of my team. If you want to make jokes about how many interceptions Weeden threw yesterday that makes sense. But if you say he hasn’t won a game or passed for a touchdown it doesn’t make sense. It’s like saying Brady’s wife, Giselle isn’t hot. It’s a cut down but one that makes no sense. That’s all
September 9, 2013 at 11:37 am
Pat, Browns fans are still depressed that they lost their team to B’more right as they got good (AKA wiped that Cleveland stink of failure off) LOL
Go Ravens ^_^
September 9, 2013 at 11:34 am
i cried reading bradford’s tie reference, hahaha!!!!
Richard DeJoseph (@Shmoobuster311)
September 9, 2013 at 11:26 am
Morris Bouncy lol
September 9, 2013 at 11:05 am
I think Anonymous(#2, the obvious Brown fan) is the drunk in a parking lot trying to talk philosophy with the other drunks in the parking lot
Poor Ben haz sad – LOL!
September 9, 2013 at 10:21 am
Surprised Rodgers wasn’t more pissed about another blown call by the refs…
September 9, 2013 at 10:15 am
Anonymous, you have to understand that each QB has a reputation that was built last year and the lines are written around THAT. Not necessarily what happens on the field. For instance Sam Bradford is sick in the head so he rarely ever talks about his team unless they tie or the word tie is mentioned.
September 9, 2013 at 9:04 am
this one was good. This years is already better then most of last years..
September 9, 2013 at 8:53 am
Dude are you all Cincinnati Bungholes fans? Andy Dalton blew in that game . Plus Brandon Weeden threw a touchdown pass that was pretty nice against the dolphins. This stuff is fun when it’s true. Everyone has to have a sense of humor about their team but when it’s inaccurate it just seem slanted and no as humorous. More like rabid drunk fans in a parking lot
September 9, 2013 at 8:38 am
September 9, 2013 at 8:34 am
Epic, as usual!
September 9, 2013 at 8:22 am
You went full Romo, you should never go full Romo.
September 9, 2013 at 7:55 am
Make it stahp dad pls
Becky L Kindvall
September 9, 2013 at 6:46 am
These get better every week. David Wilson killed me! Great work!
September 9, 2013 at 6:16 am
Ahhh. Happy Monday… Thank you Profootballmock.com!
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