Well, that was certainly unexpected. I did not think I would lose to the Rams 22-7
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
TAKE COVER! HE’S GOING TO EXPLODE.
6 hours ago . Like
HIS WHITE-HOT RAGE WILL CONSUME US ALL!
Yep. It sure was a surprise to only throw one touchdown, against a team that only had 3 healthy CBs available, no less.
HERE IT COMES!
Oh well. What can you do? That loss was unavoidable, I suppose.
Manning, I’m… I’m shocked that you’re handling this so well.
Oh, there’s no point in getting mad. Since this was OBVIOUSLY “ASSBLAST WEEK.”
Um… come again?
Oh, I simply couldn’t. Seven times in one hour is my limit.
No, I mean, what the hell is an “assblast week?”
Besides an excuse to make gay jokes at the expense of Aaron Rodgers?
WHAT PART OF “ASSBLAST WEEK” DON’T YOU IDIOTS UNDERSTAND?
The “Assblast” part.
ALSO THE “WEEK” PART
Look, it’s simple. “Assblast” stands for:
IT MEANS THAT TEAMS WHICH ARE NORMALLY SHITTY, LIKE THOSE DECOMPOSING GOATS KNOWN AS THE RAMS, SOMEHOW GET GOOD JUST FOR ONE GAME, WHILE AWESOME TEAMS WITH MAGNIFICENT, GODLIKE QBs LIKE PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING LOSE THROUGH ABSOLUTELY NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN.
Ahhh. THERE’S the Manning rage I was expecting.
I love hearing him melt down after an embarrassing loss.
Yep. I look forward to it every year during the playoffs.
HAHAHAHAHA MANNING. GETTING BEAT BY THE RAMS MAKES YOU THE BIGGEST LOSER OF THE WEEK. LOLOLOL!
IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS ASSBLAST WEEK!
FACE IT MANNING, YOU GOT RAM-SHACKLED YESTERDAY BY A MIGHTY RAMS TEAM THAT FINALLY HAD THEIR MOST TALENTED QB HEALTHY AND LEADING THEM TO VICTORY.
“Most talented QB?” I thought that was Sam Bradford
Okay, if you insist. NNNGGHHHHHHHH.
SHOVE IT UP YOUR HORNHOLE, HILL. You only achieved that LUCKY, LUCKY win due to the cruel sorcery of “Assblast” week, and you KNOW it.
Hmm. Does anyone else think this “Assblast” concept is just an obvious and desperate way to do that stupid “Opposite Day” gimmick again?
SHUT UP, IT’S TOTALLY DIFFERENT BECAUSE… IT JUST IS OKAY?
Nope, nope, nope. I’m not buying any of this “Assblast” bullcrap either.
OH NO? Well then consider this:
Despite the fact that the Bears:
A) Were on a 3-game losing streak
B) Had not won at home all season
C) Are stuck with JAY CUTLER at QB
They actually won a game yesterday!
WHAT?! You mean the same team that lost 55-14 last Sunday actually WON this week?
While I am not normally one to put stock in such superstitious mumbo-jumbo, this “assblast” malarkey DOES explain how my Vikings could possibly lose to those lowly Chicago Caniforms.
NICE GOING BRIDGEWATER. YOU GOT THUMPED BY A TEAM THAT ALLOWED 42 FIRST HALF POINTS LAST WEEK.
BRIDGEWATER, I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID ABOUT MANNING EARLIER, BECAUSE YOU ARE CLEARLY THE BIGGEST LOSER OF THE WEEK!
BRIDGEWATER. IF YOU WERE ANY MORE OF A BUST, THE REDSKINS WOULD’VE GIVEN UP THREE 1st ROUND DRAFT PICKS TO ACQUIRE YOU!
Well I have to say, after a week of being criticized and mocked by every dickhole in the sporting universe, getting my team back on the winning track feels so, so… ah, fuck it, I don’t really give a shit either way.
Still, for Cutler to bounce back from a loss like he had last week to actually win this week is a pretty huge accomplishment.
5 hours ago . Like
Yep. I certainly can’t think of any QB who had a bigger redemption story this week than him.
HEY TURDBURGLERS. A SHINY RED NICKEL TO ANYONE THAT CAN NAME THE QUARTERBACK WHO ENGINEERED A MASTERFUL UPSET WIN OVER THE SAINTS ON THEIR HOME TURF YESTERDAY!
We know it was you, Dalton.
TOO LATE. IT WAS ME. WHOOOOOOO!
Wow, Dalton won 27-10? IN New Orleans?
Yep. The Saints haven’t been that fucked by a ginger since Roger Goodell handed down the “Bountygate” suspensions.
IT MUST BE THE MAGIC OF ASSBLAST WEEK!
Actually, I think Assblast week is getting too commercial these days.
I know, right? It used to be about the assblasts, man.
NO INTERCEPTIONS! NO FUMBLES! JUST THE GINGER NINJA THROWING UP BEAUTIFUL CHERRY BOMBS ALL OVER THE SHITTY SAINTS SECONDARY AHAHAHAHAHA.
Kinda makes me want to throw something up as well.
HE’S SAYING HE WANTS TO BARF.
FUCK! Why did we have to play Dalton and his blundering Bungholes now? DURING ASSBLAST WEEK?
Am I missing something? I thought the whole point of “opposite day…”
… sorry, of “assblast” day is that terrible teams upset good teams. Does a Cincinnati win over New Orleans really count as an upset?
OBVIOUSLY it does.
Think about it: My mighty Saints were in FIRST PLACE in our division, and then the lowly third place Bengals came in and beat us? IT WAS THE ASSBLAST CURSE.
But the Bengals are 6-3-1. While your “mighty” Saints are only 4-6.
STILL TIED FOR THE DIVISION LEAD, THOUGH.
Seriously? 4-6 leads the NFC South?
Geez, I haven’t seen a division that bad since Ben Roethlisberger tried to solve 4÷2.
APPARENTLY IT’S NOT ELEVENTY BAJILLION AND THREE.
Oh, hey, did you guys see this Saints fan in the stands steal a ball that Jermaine Gresham threw to a Bengals fan?
Okay, I take it back. THAT DUDE is the biggest loser of the week.
5 hours ago . Like .
SERIOUSLY, fuck that guy
Holy Fuckballs, it felt SO, SO sweet getting that win yesterday.
After one bad game last week, all the naysayers came out of the woodwork saying that my career was shot.
WELL WHERE ARE ALL YOU NAYSAYERS NOW?
Can anyone give us directions to Matthew Stafford’s house?
Oh hey, that’s right. Stafford and his first place Lions lost to the Cardinals!
SOUNDS LIKE ASSBLAST WEEK HAS LET ONE RIP YET AGAIN!
Oh come on. That’s wasn’t exactly a huge upset. Arizona has the best record in the NFL!
Yes but now they’re stuck with Drew Stanton at QB.
Stuck? STUCK? I THREW FOR 300 YARDS AND TWO TOUCHDOWNS!
Detroit WISHES it had a top notch QB like me.
We did have you. Back in 2008. We were 0-16 and you contributed to many of our losses.
Well it seems like he picked up right where he left off then.
HAHAHA SUCK IT STAFFORD.
It’s about time your annoying little kittens cut out this winning nonsense and conceded the NFC North to my Green Bay Packers
4 hours ago . Like
NUH-UH. WE’RE STILL TIED WITH YOU AT 7-3.
Plus they still lead the “head-to-head” tiebreaker over you, Rodgers.
YES BUT WE STILL LEAD THE “NOT HAVING A QUARTERBACK WHO LOOKS LIKE A CHUBBY-CHEEKED, BRAIN DAMAGED SQUIRREL” TIEBREAKER 1-0
Hey, you guys know what has a nice ring to it? “FIRST PLACE ATLANTA FALCONS”
And you know what has no ring whatsoever? Matt Ryan.
Oh, don’t be so salty, Brees. Just because your loss allowed me to take the division lead after I PUSSYPOUNDED Cam Newton and the Panthers on their home field.
Okay, there’s no way you can claim the Falcons beating the Panthers is an “Assblast” win.
Why not? They’re both definitely a couple of turds.
You know what WAS an Assblast win? When the Texans beat the Browns yesterday on Cleveland’s home field.
And it was all thanks to RYAN MALLET, THE HUMAN BUZZSAW. WHOO-HOOOO.
“Buzzsaw?” With a name like Mallet, shouldn’t his nickname be something like “the hammer” or “the chisel?”
He’s definitely some kind of tool.
WHAT A DEBUT I HAD YESTERDAY. MY FIRST EVER START! MY FIRST EVER WIN!
Just never forget that your first ever TD pass was to the sure-handed J.J. WATT-A-STUD.
GET OUT OF HERE, WATT. This is a QUARTERBACK convo
“Convo?” Looks to me more like an ALL I CAN SACK BUFFET.
Like yesterday when I had a sack, a forced fumble, AND my over the shoulder catch for a TD.
WITH THAT GRAB, I HAVE MORE TOTAL TOUCHDOWNS THIS YEAR THAN JULIO JONES, T.Y. HILTON, OR FRANK GORE.
AT THIS RATE, I AM GOING TO BE THE FIRST PLAYER TO WIN OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE M.V.P. IN THE SAME SEASON.
Okay, that’s kind of a stretch.
Sort of like your playoff chances, Orton.
SHIT! After three straight wins, my Browns got upset by the Texans? THANKS A LOT, ASSBLAST WEEK.
It’s a testament to the Browns newfound success that a loss to Houston actually counts as an “upset.”
It’s also a testament to the Browns eternal misery that one single loss dropped them from first to last place in their division.
It’s like we’re returning home for the holidays.
Hey, how about this: the Chiefs beat the Seahawks 24-20 yesterday. That’s gotta count as an “Assblast” win, right?
Not really. Kansas City has the better record after all.
Yer damn skippy we do. AND NOW WE HAVE A SHARE OF THE DIVISION LEAD AS WELL.
FOR FUCK’S SAKE, RUSSELL WILSON. THE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY WANTED YOUR SHITTY ‘HAWKS TO WIN, YOU GO AND SEA-SHIT THE BED INSTEAD?
Huh. Even in a loss, Wilson found a way to stick it to Peyton Manning.
Nothing like pulling a troll from the jaws of defeat.
WILSON, I WILL “ASS-BLAST” YOU WITH AN INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH WATERMELON CANNON JAMMED UP YOUR ANUS AND SET ALL THE WAY TO 11!
Just to 11? Pssssh. Lightweights.
ALL ABOARD THE ALEX SMITH DIVISION TITLE EXPRESS. CHOO-CHOO, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Smith, you had a pathetic 108 yards passing in that game. Even by your lowly “bus driver” standards, that was a skidmark of a performance.
Fun fact: The one receiving TD I had yesterday is more than the entire Chiefs WR group has ALL SEASON.
This is BULLSHIT. HOW THE HELL IS THE “LEGION OF BOOM” SUPPOSED TO SHUT DOWN OPPOSING WIDE RECEIVERS WHEN THEIR QB ISN’T CAPABLE OF THROWING PASSES TO THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Holy shit. Alex Smith unlocked the secret to beating the Seattle secondary. The key is SUCKING.
It’s surprising that Eli Manning didn’t figure that out last week.
BECAUSE HE SUCKS AND ALL.
3 hours ago . Like
HAHAHAHAHA. Stafford and the Lions were neutered yesterday. Plus Wilson and the Seahawks got plucked too?
THIS IS AWESOME. ALL THIS ASSBLASTING IS MAKING ME FEEL SO, SOOOO GOOD!
Nope, nope. Way too easy. I’m not going to touch that.
Ooh, ooh. “Things you say about Jay Cutler’s Mom when you’re afraid of catching chlamydia?”
Meanwhile, they hadn’t even cleared out all the Bear corpses from last week’s 55-14 Chicago blowout, AND I LAID YET ANOTHER FIFTY-BURGER ON MARK SANCHEZ AND THE EAGLES. AHAHAHAHA!
Whatever. I’m just hoping to get to the end of the convo without any lame “assblast/buttfumble” jokes
Yep. For the 2nd straight week, my team was so far ahead that I was able to skip nearly all of the second half.
THESE DAYS, IT SEEMS LIKE I NEVER FINISH!
Well, you can thank “Assblast week” for your win over the Eagles, Rodgers.
What? How was that an assblast win? MY PACKERS ARE THE HOTTEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE!
Doesn’t matter. Philly is a 1st place team, while you started that game stll stuck in 2nd place. Therefore it’s an upset.
HORSESHIT. AN AARON RODGERS VICTORY IS NEVER AN UPSET, BECAUSE THE MIGHTY AARON RODGERS BEATS EVERYONE.
Well, not everyone.
WILSON, AFTER PEYTON MANNING IS DONE WITH YOU, I WILL GIVE YOU A SLOPPY-SECONDS ASSBLASTING THAT YOU WILL NEVER FORGET.
Jeez, Rodgers. You’re not making this very hard at all.
“Things Aaron Rodgers says when seeing Olivia Munn in a see-through nightie?”
Here’s another “assblast” result: the 2-8 Tampa Bay Buccaneers actually won a game yesterday.
So? They beat the 3-7 Redskins.
DOESN’T MATTER. A Bucs victory over anyone counts as an “Assblast” win.
Oh, enough with this Assblast crap already IT’S JUST ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING “OPPOSITE WEEK!”
DAMMIT. I blame myself for this loss.
FINALLY. We’ve been wondering when Griffin would stand up and take some accountability.
Yep, it’s definitely my fault. I really should’ve insisted that management get some non-shitty players before the season began so I wouldn’t be stuck with the crappy teammates I have now.
So how does this “Assblast” nonsense get switched back to normal?
It won’t be easy. Reversing the Assblast week would require a pathetic entity whose losing force is so powerful, even the Assblast phenomenon is unable to stop it.
Hey everyone: the Raiders got their ass kicked again yesterday.
That’ll work. See ya!
Thank GOD we got that win yesterday. it snapped our 3-game losing streak. I COULDN’T TAKE LOSING FOR THAT LONG.
Oh, shut up.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WE HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT MY 42-20 OBLITERATION OF ANDREW LUCK AND THE COLTS YET?
Well it didn’t really fit our “Opposite day” theme.
WHAT DID YOU CALL IT?
Sorry. The “Assblast” theme (rolls eyes)
HA HA HA LUCK. I ran my record against you to 3-0 while all those inbred hillbilly carney folk you call fans sat and watched.
IF YOU WERE ANY MORE OF A LOSER, YOU’D BE AN NFC SOUTH TEAM! LOLOLOLOL
2 hours ago . Like
While I’m disappointed in the result, I always enjoy competing against a great player such as yourself, Mr. Brady
SUCK A DUCK, LUCK. You’re just fortunate that game wasn’t in OUR home at Gillette Stadium, or you would’ve lost by twice as much.
This is probably true. I can’t imagine Andrew Luck would fare very well in a stadium named after a razor.
Check it out, dildos. My 9ers are BACK IN THE PLAYOFF HUNT after picking off Eli Manning FIVE TIMES yesterday.
Wow. WHAT AN ASSBLASTER!
Bradford, we’re not talking about “assblast” games anymore.
What’s an assblast game? I was just enjoying my new shipment from the Buttplug of the Month club.
So let me get this straight. While one of my worthless sons was getting HUMILIATED by those pathetic St. Louis Billygoats, my other, even more worthless son threw FIVE INTERCEPTIONS in a loss to the 49ers?
I AM SO ASHAMED OF MY ENTIRE FAMILY. ISN’T THERE A CARR OR A HARBAUGH AROUND SOMEWHERE THAT I CAN ADOPT?
But Dad, it was “Assblast” day!
NO, “ASSBLAST DAY” WAS THE DAY THAT YOUR MOTHER SHAT YOUR USELESS BROTHER COOPER FROM HER SWOLLEN RECTUM INSTEAD OF THE COMPETENT QB OFFSPRING SHE PROMISED ME.
And yet I still have the same number of Super Bowl rings as your pruny ass does, old man.
So Eli Manning really had FIVE interceptions yesterday? HAHAHA.
Don’t feel bad, Elisha. An interception is just a pass to a friend you haven’t met yet.
Well I’m just happy all this “Assblast” stuff is behind us for good.
Don’t be so sure. Sometimes, when you’re least expecting it, you might just find yourself charging head on into another assblast right to the face.
This is true. Just ask Mark Sanchez.
Dammit. SO CLOSE.
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November 18, 2014 at 1:54 pm
I got another assblast. The Jets didnt lose to their bye week
PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING
November 21, 2014 at 10:00 am
I bet you’ll get a lot of assblasts in prison. HOW’S IT FEEL, #2?
November 18, 2014 at 1:28 pm
If by “Number 1 seed”, you mean “the first jizz stain removed from Monica Lewinski’s dress”, then yes – Tom Brady is the Number 1 Seed.
November 18, 2014 at 11:10 am
DAMMIT ASSBLAST WEEK!! NOW BRADY IS THE NUMBER 1 SEED!!!
November 18, 2014 at 8:07 am
Was that last Elisha part supposed to be Luck? Seems out of character for him.
November 17, 2014 at 2:42 pm
Better than last weeks that’s for sure. But seriously, who didn’t see the Sanchex line coming at the end?
Guy Who Whispers "Penis"
November 17, 2014 at 2:30 pm
November 17, 2014 at 4:38 pm
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A PENIS
November 17, 2014 at 4:59 pm
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THAT ISN’T REALLY ME
Sam Bradfords Buttplug
November 17, 2014 at 1:48 pm
What’s an assblast game? I was just enjoying my new shipment from the Buttplug of the Month club.”
Come on Sam old buddy! Please don’t discard me! We’ve been through so much together. Ours is a storybook romance, like Tom and Gisele. Better yet, like Cutler’s mom and the 1977 All Pro Team. I hear that the mere mention of that weekend makes Mean Joe Green cower in the corner with cold sweats.
November 17, 2014 at 1:33 pm
The assblast week actually has a nice ass.
November 17, 2014 at 12:28 pm
IF YOU WERE ANY MORE OF A BUST, THE REDSKINS WOULD’VE GIVEN UP THREE 1st ROUND DRAFT PICKS TO ACQUIRE YOU!
Oh, all the clever and unique ways of saying that RGIII sucks and the Redskins are a horribly run organization.
November 17, 2014 at 12:12 pm
Damnit, will Ryan Tannehill ever get to gloat about a win ever again? I think he hasn’t said a word about their last three wins. C’mon guys, I look forward to this stuff. Give me SOMETHING.
Joe Flacco: “Okay, there’s no way you can claim the Panthers beating the Falcons is an “Assblast” win.
Falcons won, not the Panthers.
November 17, 2014 at 11:45 am
ITS FUNNY BECAUSE ASSBLAST DAY IS REALLY OPPOSITE DAY
DUDE, STOP IMPERSONATING ME.
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