NFL QBs On Facebook: ASSBLAST

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Updated: November 17, 2014

ASSBLAST

PEYTON MANNING

Well, that was certainly unexpected. I did not think I would lose to the Rams 22-7

TONY ROMO

TAKE COVER! HE’S GOING TO EXPLODE.

JOE FLACCO

HIS WHITE-HOT RAGE WILL CONSUME US ALL!

PEYTON MANNING

Yep. It sure was a surprise to only throw one touchdown, against a team that only had 3 healthy CBs available, no less.

RYAN TANNEHILL

HERE IT COMES!

PEYTON MANNING

Oh well. What can you do? That loss was unavoidable, I suppose.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

...

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Manning, I’m… I’m shocked that you’re handling this so well.

PEYTON MANNING

Oh, there’s no point in getting mad. Since this was OBVIOUSLY “ASSBLAST WEEK.”

JOE FLACCO

Um… come again?

SAM BRADFORD

Oh, I simply couldn’t. Seven times in one hour is my limit.

JOE FLACCO

No, I mean, what the hell is an “assblast week?”

TOM BRADY

Besides an excuse to make gay jokes at the expense of Aaron Rodgers?

PEYTON MANNING

WHAT PART OF “ASSBLAST WEEK” DON’T YOU IDIOTS UNDERSTAND?

TONY ROMO

The “Assblast” part.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

ALSO THE “WEEK” PART

PEYTON MANNING

Look, it’s simple. “Assblast” stands for:

A ssorted
S coring
S uccesses
B y
L osers
A gainst
S uperior
T eams

PEYTON MANNING

IT MEANS THAT TEAMS WHICH ARE NORMALLY SHITTY, LIKE THOSE DECOMPOSING GOATS KNOWN AS THE RAMS, SOMEHOW GET GOOD JUST FOR ONE GAME, WHILE AWESOME TEAMS WITH MAGNIFICENT, GODLIKE QBs LIKE PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING LOSE THROUGH ABSOLUTELY NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Ahhh. THERE’S the Manning rage I was expecting.

ALEX SMITH

I love hearing him melt down after an embarrassing loss.

DREW BREES

Yep. I look forward to it every year during the playoffs.

TOM BRADY

HAHAHAHAHA MANNING. GETTING BEAT BY THE RAMS MAKES YOU THE BIGGEST LOSER OF THE WEEK. LOLOLOL!

PEYTON MANNING

IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS ASSBLAST WEEK!

SHAUN HILL

FACE IT MANNING, YOU GOT RAM-SHACKLED YESTERDAY BY A MIGHTY RAMS TEAM THAT FINALLY HAD THEIR MOST TALENTED QB HEALTHY AND LEADING THEM TO VICTORY.

RYAN TANNEHILL

“Most talented QB?” I thought that was Sam Bradford

SHAUN HILL

COME AGAIN?

SAM BRADFORD

Okay, if you insist. NNNGGHHHHHHHH.

PEYTON MANNING

SHOVE IT UP YOUR HORNHOLE, HILL. You only achieved that LUCKY, LUCKY win due to the cruel sorcery of “Assblast” week, and you KNOW it.

JOE FLACCO

Hmm. Does anyone else think this “Assblast” concept is just an obvious and desperate way to do that stupid “Opposite Day” gimmick again?

PROFOOTBALLMOCK

SHUT UP, IT’S TOTALLY DIFFERENT BECAUSE… IT JUST IS OKAY?

BLAKE BORTLES

Nope, nope, nope. I’m not buying any of this “Assblast” bullcrap either.

PEYTON MANNING

OH NO? Well then consider this:

PEYTON MANNING

Despite the fact that the Bears:

A) Were on a 3-game losing streak
B) Had not won at home all season
C) Are stuck with JAY CUTLER at QB

They actually won a game yesterday!

KYLE ORTON

WHAT?! You mean the same team that lost 55-14 last Sunday actually WON this week?

TEDDY BRIDGEWATER

While I am not normally one to put stock in such superstitious mumbo-jumbo, this “assblast” malarkey DOES explain how my Vikings could possibly lose to those lowly Chicago Caniforms.

RYAN TANNEHILL

NICE GOING BRIDGEWATER. YOU GOT THUMPED BY A TEAM THAT ALLOWED 42 FIRST HALF POINTS LAST WEEK.

TOM BRADY

BRIDGEWATER, I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID ABOUT MANNING EARLIER, BECAUSE YOU ARE CLEARLY THE BIGGEST LOSER OF THE WEEK!

TONY ROMO

BRIDGEWATER. IF YOU WERE ANY MORE OF A BUST, THE REDSKINS WOULD’VE GIVEN UP THREE 1st ROUND DRAFT PICKS TO ACQUIRE YOU!

JAY CUTLER

Well I have to say, after a week of being criticized and mocked by every dickhole in the sporting universe, getting my team back on the winning track feels so, so… ah, fuck it, I don’t really give a shit either way.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Still, for Cutler to bounce back from a loss like he had last week to actually win this week is a pretty huge accomplishment.

ALEX SMITH

Yep. I certainly can’t think of any QB who had a bigger redemption story this week than him.

ANDY DALTON

HEY TURDBURGLERS. A SHINY RED NICKEL TO ANYONE THAT CAN NAME THE QUARTERBACK WHO ENGINEERED A MASTERFUL UPSET WIN OVER THE SAINTS ON THEIR HOME TURF YESTERDAY!

RYAN TANNEHILL

We know it was you, Dalton.

ANDY DALTON

TOO LATE. IT WAS ME. WHOOOOOOO!

SHAUN HILL

Wow, Dalton won 27-10? IN New Orleans?

TONY ROMO

Yep. The Saints haven’t been that fucked by a ginger since Roger Goodell handed down the “Bountygate” suspensions.

PEYTON MANNING

IT MUST BE THE MAGIC OF ASSBLAST WEEK!

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Actually, I think Assblast week is getting too commercial these days.

MICHAEL VICK

I know, right? It used to be about the assblasts, man.

ANDY DALTON

NO INTERCEPTIONS! NO FUMBLES! JUST THE GINGER NINJA THROWING UP BEAUTIFUL CHERRY BOMBS ALL OVER THE SHITTY SAINTS SECONDARY AHAHAHAHAHA.

JOE FLACCO

Kinda makes me want to throw something up as well.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

HE’S SAYING HE WANTS TO BARF.

DREW BREES

FUCK! Why did we have to play Dalton and his blundering Bungholes now? DURING ASSBLAST WEEK?

JOE FLACCO

Am I missing something? I thought the whole point of “opposite day…”

PROFOOTBALLMOCK

OF WHAT?

JOE FLACCO

… sorry, of “assblast” day is that terrible teams upset good teams. Does a Cincinnati win over New Orleans really count as an upset?

DREW BREES

OBVIOUSLY it does.

DREW BREES

Think about it: My mighty Saints were in FIRST PLACE in our division, and then the lowly third place Bengals came in and beat us? IT WAS THE ASSBLAST CURSE.

JOE FLACCO

But the Bengals are 6-3-1. While your “mighty” Saints are only 4-6.

DREW BREES

STILL TIED FOR THE DIVISION LEAD, THOUGH.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Seriously? 4-6 leads the NFC South?

PHILIP RIVERS

Geez, I haven’t seen a division that bad since Ben Roethlisberger tried to solve 4÷2.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

APPARENTLY IT’S NOT ELEVENTY BAJILLION AND THREE.

KYLE ORTON

Oh, hey, did you guys see this Saints fan in the stands steal a ball that Jermaine Gresham threw to a Bengals fan?

KYLE ORTON



TOM BRADY

Okay, I take it back. THAT DUDE is the biggest loser of the week.

SERIOUSLY, fuck that guy

ANDY DALTON

Holy Fuckballs, it felt SO, SO sweet getting that win yesterday.

ANDY DALTON

After one bad game last week, all the naysayers came out of the woodwork saying that my career was shot.

ANDY DALTON

WELL WHERE ARE ALL YOU NAYSAYERS NOW?

NAYSAYERS

Can anyone give us directions to Matthew Stafford’s house?

RYAN TANNEHILL

Oh hey, that’s right. Stafford and his first place Lions lost to the Cardinals!

PEYTON MANNING

SOUNDS LIKE ASSBLAST WEEK HAS LET ONE RIP YET AGAIN!

JOE FLACCO

Oh come on. That’s wasn’t exactly a huge upset. Arizona has the best record in the NFL!

PEYTON MANNING

Yes but now they’re stuck with Drew Stanton at QB.

DREW STANTON

Stuck? STUCK? I THREW FOR 300 YARDS AND TWO TOUCHDOWNS!

DREW STANTON

Detroit WISHES it had a top notch QB like me.

DETROIT LIONS

We did have you. Back in 2008. We were 0-16 and you contributed to many of our losses.

ALEX SMITH

Well it seems like he picked up right where he left off then.

AARON RODGERS

HAHAHA SUCK IT STAFFORD.

AARON RODGERS

It’s about time your annoying little kittens cut out this winning nonsense and conceded the NFC North to my Green Bay Packers

MATT STAFFORD

NUH-UH. WE’RE STILL TIED WITH YOU AT 7-3.

TONY ROMO

Plus they still lead the “head-to-head” tiebreaker over you, Rodgers.

AARON RODGERS

YES BUT WE STILL LEAD THE “NOT HAVING A QUARTERBACK WHO LOOKS LIKE A CHUBBY-CHEEKED, BRAIN DAMAGED SQUIRREL” TIEBREAKER 1-0

MATT RYAN

Hey, you guys know what has a nice ring to it? “FIRST PLACE ATLANTA FALCONS”

DREW BREES

And you know what has no ring whatsoever? Matt Ryan.

MATT RYAN

Oh, don’t be so salty, Brees. Just because your loss allowed me to take the division lead after I PUSSYPOUNDED Cam Newton and the Panthers on their home field.

JOE FLACCO

Okay, there’s no way you can claim the Falcons beating the Panthers is an “Assblast” win.

PEYTON MANNING

Why not? They’re both definitely a couple of turds.

ANDY DALTON

You know what WAS an Assblast win? When the Texans beat the Browns yesterday on Cleveland’s home field.

RYAN MALLET

And it was all thanks to RYAN MALLET, THE HUMAN BUZZSAW. WHOO-HOOOO.

SHAUN HILL

“Buzzsaw?” With a name like Mallet, shouldn’t his nickname be something like “the hammer” or “the chisel?”

RYAN FITZPATRICK

He’s definitely some kind of tool.

RYAN MALLET

WHAT A DEBUT I HAD YESTERDAY. MY FIRST EVER START! MY FIRST EVER WIN!

J.J. WATT

Just never forget that your first ever TD pass was to the sure-handed J.J. WATT-A-STUD.

TOM BRADY

GET OUT OF HERE, WATT. This is a QUARTERBACK convo

J.J. WATT

“Convo?” Looks to me more like an ALL I CAN SACK BUFFET.

J.J. WATT

Like yesterday when I had a sack, a forced fumble, AND my over the shoulder catch for a TD.

J.J. WATT

WITH THAT GRAB, I HAVE MORE TOTAL TOUCHDOWNS THIS YEAR THAN JULIO JONES, T.Y. HILTON, OR FRANK GORE.

J.J. WATT

AT THIS RATE, I AM GOING TO BE THE FIRST PLAYER TO WIN OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE M.V.P. IN THE SAME SEASON.

KYLE ORTON

Okay, that’s kind of a stretch.

TONY ROMO

Sort of like your playoff chances, Orton.

BRIAN HOYER

SHIT! After three straight wins, my Browns got upset by the Texans? THANKS A LOT, ASSBLAST WEEK.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

It’s a testament to the Browns newfound success that a loss to Houston actually counts as an “upset.”

PHILIP RIVERS

It’s also a testament to the Browns eternal misery that one single loss dropped them from first to last place in their division.

BROWNS FANS

It’s like we’re returning home for the holidays.

RYAN TANNEHILL

Hey, how about this: the Chiefs beat the Seahawks 24-20 yesterday. That’s gotta count as an “Assblast” win, right?

JOE FLACCO

Not really. Kansas City has the better record after all.

ALEX SMITH

Yer damn skippy we do. AND NOW WE HAVE A SHARE OF THE DIVISION LEAD AS WELL.

PEYTON MANNING

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, RUSSELL WILSON. THE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY WANTED YOUR SHITTY ‘HAWKS TO WIN, YOU GO AND SEA-SHIT THE BED INSTEAD?

ANDY DALTON

Huh. Even in a loss, Wilson found a way to stick it to Peyton Manning.

RUSSELL WILSON

Nothing like pulling a troll from the jaws of defeat.

PEYTON MANNING

WILSON, I WILL “ASS-BLAST” YOU WITH AN INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH WATERMELON CANNON JAMMED UP YOUR ANUS AND SET ALL THE WAY TO 11!

SAM BRADFORD

Just to 11? Pssssh. Lightweights.

ALEX SMITH

ALL ABOARD THE ALEX SMITH DIVISION TITLE EXPRESS. CHOO-CHOO, MOTHERFUCKERS.

TOM BRADY

Smith, you had a pathetic 108 yards passing in that game. Even by your lowly “bus driver” standards, that was a skidmark of a performance.

J.J. WATT

Fun fact: The one receiving TD I had yesterday is more than the entire Chiefs WR group has ALL SEASON.

RICHARD SHERMAN

This is BULLSHIT. HOW THE HELL IS THE “LEGION OF BOOM” SUPPOSED TO SHUT DOWN OPPOSING WIDE RECEIVERS WHEN THEIR QB ISN’T CAPABLE OF THROWING PASSES TO THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?

RYAN TANNEHILL

Holy shit. Alex Smith unlocked the secret to beating the Seattle secondary. The key is SUCKING.

TONY ROMO

It’s surprising that Eli Manning didn’t figure that out last week.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

BECAUSE HE SUCKS AND ALL.

AARON RODGERS

HAHAHAHAHA. Stafford and the Lions were neutered yesterday. Plus Wilson and the Seahawks got plucked too?

AARON RODGERS

THIS IS AWESOME. ALL THIS ASSBLASTING IS MAKING ME FEEL SO, SOOOO GOOD!

TOM BRADY

...

TOM BRADY

Nope, nope. Way too easy. I’m not going to touch that.

CAM NEWTON

Ooh, ooh. “Things you say about Jay Cutler’s Mom when you’re afraid of catching chlamydia?”

AARON RODGERS

Meanwhile, they hadn’t even cleared out all the Bear corpses from last week’s 55-14 Chicago blowout, AND I LAID YET ANOTHER FIFTY-BURGER ON MARK SANCHEZ AND THE EAGLES. AHAHAHAHA!

MARK SANCHEZ

Whatever. I’m just hoping to get to the end of the convo without any lame “assblast/buttfumble” jokes

AARON RODGERS

Yep. For the 2nd straight week, my team was so far ahead that I was able to skip nearly all of the second half.

AARON RODGERS

THESE DAYS, IT SEEMS LIKE I NEVER FINISH!

OLIVIA MUNN

I'll say.

PEYTON MANNING

Well, you can thank “Assblast week” for your win over the Eagles, Rodgers.

AARON RODGERS

What? How was that an assblast win? MY PACKERS ARE THE HOTTEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE!

MATT RYAN

Doesn’t matter. Philly is a 1st place team, while you started that game stll stuck in 2nd place. Therefore it’s an upset.

AARON RODGERS

HORSESHIT. AN AARON RODGERS VICTORY IS NEVER AN UPSET, BECAUSE THE MIGHTY AARON RODGERS BEATS EVERYONE.

RUSSELL WILSON

Well, not everyone.

AARON RODGERS

WILSON, AFTER PEYTON MANNING IS DONE WITH YOU, I WILL GIVE YOU A SLOPPY-SECONDS ASSBLASTING THAT YOU WILL NEVER FORGET.

TOM BRADY

TOM BRADY

Jeez, Rodgers. You’re not making this very hard at all.

CAM NEWTON

“Things Aaron Rodgers says when seeing Olivia Munn in a see-through nightie?”

PEYTON MANNING

Here’s another “assblast” result: the 2-8 Tampa Bay Buccaneers actually won a game yesterday.

DREW STANTON

So? They beat the 3-7 Redskins.

PEYTON MANNING

DOESN’T MATTER. A Bucs victory over anyone counts as an “Assblast” win.

JOE FLACCO

Oh, enough with this Assblast crap already IT’S JUST ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING “OPPOSITE WEEK!”

PROFOOTBALLMOCK

LA-LA-LA-LA-NOT LISTENING!

RGIII

DAMMIT. I blame myself for this loss.

REST OF REDSKINS TEAM

FINALLY. We’ve been wondering when Griffin would stand up and take some accountability.

RGIII

Yep, it’s definitely my fault. I really should’ve insisted that management get some non-shitty players before the season began so I wouldn’t be stuck with the crappy teammates I have now.

REST OF REDSKINS TEAM

DIE, GRIFFIN.

TONY ROMO

So how does this “Assblast” nonsense get switched back to normal?

PEYTON MANNING

It won’t be easy. Reversing the Assblast week would require a pathetic entity whose losing force is so powerful, even the Assblast phenomenon is unable to stop it.

ALEX SMITH

Hey everyone: the Raiders got their ass kicked again yesterday.

ASSBLAST WEEK

That’ll work. See ya!

PHILIP RIVERS

Thank GOD we got that win yesterday. it snapped our 3-game losing streak. I COULDN’T TAKE LOSING FOR THAT LONG.

OAKLAND RAIDERS FANS

Oh, shut up.

TOM BRADY

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WE HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT MY 42-20 OBLITERATION OF ANDREW LUCK AND THE COLTS YET?

ANDY DALTON

Well it didn’t really fit our “Opposite day” theme.

PROFOOTBALLMOCK

WHAT DID YOU CALL IT?

ANDY DALTON

Sorry. The “Assblast” theme (rolls eyes)

TOM BRADY

HA HA HA LUCK. I ran my record against you to 3-0 while all those inbred hillbilly carney folk you call fans sat and watched.

TOM BRADY

IF YOU WERE ANY MORE OF A LOSER, YOU’D BE AN NFC SOUTH TEAM! LOLOLOLOL

ANDREW LUCK

While I’m disappointed in the result, I always enjoy competing against a great player such as yourself, Mr. Brady

TOM BRADY

SUCK A DUCK, LUCK. You’re just fortunate that game wasn’t in OUR home at Gillette Stadium, or you would’ve lost by twice as much.

MATT RYAN

This is probably true. I can’t imagine Andrew Luck would fare very well in a stadium named after a razor.

COLIN KAEPERNICK

Check it out, dildos. My 9ers are BACK IN THE PLAYOFF HUNT after picking off Eli Manning FIVE TIMES yesterday.

SAM BRADFORD

Wow. WHAT AN ASSBLASTER!

SHAUN HILL

Bradford, we’re not talking about “assblast” games anymore.

SAM BRADFORD

What’s an assblast game? I was just enjoying my new shipment from the Buttplug of the Month club.

ARCHIE MANNING

So let me get this straight. While one of my worthless sons was getting HUMILIATED by those pathetic St. Louis Billygoats, my other, even more worthless son threw FIVE INTERCEPTIONS in a loss to the 49ers?

ARCHIE MANNING

I AM SO ASHAMED OF MY ENTIRE FAMILY. ISN’T THERE A CARR OR A HARBAUGH AROUND SOMEWHERE THAT I CAN ADOPT?

PEYTON MANNING

But Dad, it was “Assblast” day!

ARCHIE MANNING

NO, “ASSBLAST DAY” WAS THE DAY THAT YOUR MOTHER SHAT YOUR USELESS BROTHER COOPER FROM HER SWOLLEN RECTUM INSTEAD OF THE COMPETENT QB OFFSPRING SHE PROMISED ME.

COOPER MANNING

And yet I still have the same number of Super Bowl rings as your pruny ass does, old man.

TOM BRADY

So Eli Manning really had FIVE interceptions yesterday? HAHAHA.

ANDREW LUCK

Don’t feel bad, Elisha. An interception is just a pass to a friend you haven’t met yet.

JOE FLACCO

Well I’m just happy all this “Assblast” stuff is behind us for good.

PEYTON MANNING

Don’t be so sure. Sometimes, when you’re least expecting it, you might just find yourself charging head on into another assblast right to the face.

TOM BRADY

This is true. Just ask Mark Sanchez.

MARK SANCHEZ

Dammit. SO CLOSE.

NFL QBs On Facebook: ASSBLAST

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16 Comments

  1. Pingback: NFL QBs ON FACEBOOK: 2013 - Page 7

  2. Ryan.Leaf

    November 18, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    I got another assblast. The Jets didnt lose to their bye week

    • PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING

      November 21, 2014 at 10:00 am

      I bet you’ll get a lot of assblasts in prison. HOW’S IT FEEL, #2?

  3. Hich

    November 18, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    If by “Number 1 seed”, you mean “the first jizz stain removed from Monica Lewinski’s dress”, then yes – Tom Brady is the Number 1 Seed.

  4. PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING

    November 18, 2014 at 11:10 am

    DAMMIT ASSBLAST WEEK!! NOW BRADY IS THE NUMBER 1 SEED!!!

  5. xweendogx

    November 18, 2014 at 8:07 am

    Was that last Elisha part supposed to be Luck? Seems out of character for him.

  6. AnonyMOOSE

    November 17, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Better than last weeks that’s for sure. But seriously, who didn’t see the Sanchex line coming at the end?

  7. Guy Who Whispers "Penis"

    November 17, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    *whispers* penis

    • Ben_Roethlisberger

      November 17, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A PENIS

      • Ben Roethlisberger

        November 17, 2014 at 4:59 pm

        IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THAT ISN’T REALLY ME

  8. Sam Bradfords Buttplug

    November 17, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    “SAM BRADFORD

    What’s an assblast game? I was just enjoying my new shipment from the Buttplug of the Month club.”

    Come on Sam old buddy! Please don’t discard me! We’ve been through so much together. Ours is a storybook romance, like Tom and Gisele. Better yet, like Cutler’s mom and the 1977 All Pro Team. I hear that the mere mention of that weekend makes Mean Joe Green cower in the corner with cold sweats.

  9. Anonymous

    November 17, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    The assblast week actually has a nice ass.

  10. DangerRuss

    November 17, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    IF YOU WERE ANY MORE OF A BUST, THE REDSKINS WOULD’VE GIVEN UP THREE 1st ROUND DRAFT PICKS TO ACQUIRE YOU!

    Oh, all the clever and unique ways of saying that RGIII sucks and the Redskins are a horribly run organization.

  11. Hich

    November 17, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Damnit, will Ryan Tannehill ever get to gloat about a win ever again? I think he hasn’t said a word about their last three wins. C’mon guys, I look forward to this stuff. Give me SOMETHING.

    Also:
    Joe Flacco: “Okay, there’s no way you can claim the Panthers beating the Falcons is an “Assblast” win.

    Falcons won, not the Panthers.

  12. Ben_Roethlisberger

    November 17, 2014 at 11:45 am

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE ASSBLAST DAY IS REALLY OPPOSITE DAY

    • Ben Roethlisberger

      November 17, 2014 at 4:59 pm

      DUDE, STOP IMPERSONATING ME.

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