No no no NO NO NO GODDAMMIT NOOOOO!
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
I came SO close! I nearly pulled off that massive comeback against the Seahawks SINGLE-HANDEDLY.
6 hours ago . Like
This is a team sport, Manning. Nothing is done "single-handedly."
Except a squad of one-armed professional masturbaters competing fiercely in a ‘Single Handed Jack Off Jamboree.”
OH REALLY!? Well let's just count the ways all my worthless teammates failed to contribute, shall we?
FOR STARTERS, Montee Ball channeled his inner Manny Ramirez by turning the ball over ON OUR VERY FIRST GODDAMN PLAY!
Hey, that's not fair I… (Snaps ball)
And THEN, those orange road cones my team calls a defense allowed Russell Wilson to skip merrily down the field for the winning TD in overtime.
I DIDN’T EVEN GET MY HANDS ON THE BALL!
Ooh, ooh. “Things Jay Cutler’s Mom says when she’s late to Lance Armstrong’s orgy?
HE ONLY HAS ONE TESTICLE, YOU SEE.
Wow, can you imagine the media's reaction if Manning had actually come back to win that game?
ESPN already stands for “Eagerly Stroking Peyton’s Nuts” as it is.
And do you know the worst part? Russell SeaShrimp Wilson's going to come along any moment now with one of his of obnoxious troll mutterings.
Great game Peyton. Good luck the rest of the season.
Well, that was unexpected.
You and your Broncos are a heckuva team. You gave us everything we could handle, and we're fortunate to have come away with a victory.
YOU DON'T FOOL ME, SHORT STACK! I’VE SEEN THIS TRICK BEFORE!
You're going to write a bunch of seemingly nice things to me, but the first letter of every sentence will spell out something like, "Peyton Manning’s forehead is so big even Colin Kaepernick couldn’t overthrow it,” right?”
Why no, that's not what I was doing at all.
Then you must be embedding some kind of secret code into every reply that's going to translate into, "Peyton Manning threw up more ducks yesterday than the Loch Ness Monster with a stomach flu?”
I’m not, honestly.
IF I READ YOUR COMMENTS BACKWARDS, THEY’LL SPELL “PEYTON MANNING BLOWS BILLYGOATS," RIGHT?
So how exactly ARE you planning on trolling me?
Dude. I think he just did.
DAMMIT. And to think I bet Russell Wilson fifty bucks that he couldn’t make Peyton Manning admit that he’s a big headed, duck-chucking, billygoat blowing loser.
You might need to translate that last one.
“Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off Over How Much Of A Little Pussy Peyton Manning Is”
I’M WITH YOU PEYTON! FUCK THAT SEATTLE SUCKBASKET!
You’ll never stop holding your grudge against Russell Wilson, will you Rodgers?
HELL TO THE DISCOUNT-DOUBLE NO.
I'm STILL so flummoxed about losing to that little Shitlord in the season opener, that I actually allowed Matt Stafford and his lame little Lions to beat me yesterday.
AND LOSING TO THE LIONS MAKES ME WANT TO KICK BABIES!
YAY FOR US! THE DIVISION LEAD IS ALL OURS, WHOO-HOOOO!#ByHalfAGameAnyway#NoWayWeBlowThatLeadWithOnly13GamesLeft
STAFFORD, THE ONLY THING LOWER THAN YOUR QB RATING IS ADRIAN PETERSON’S CHANCES OF LAUNCHING A NATIONAL CHAIN OF BABYSITTING CENTERS.
Hey you guys? I think I might be in big trouble.
5 hours ago . Like
See, the league’s really cracking down on domestic violence. And I just ABUSED BRIAN HOYER AND THE BROWNS IN THEIR OWN HOUSE 23-21. LOLOLOLOL.
What a close loss. That’s got to hurt if you’re a Browns fan.
Well, they did got a big win last week. So they’ve pretty much reached their happiness quota for this decade anyway.
What a comeback! What a victory! WHAT A PROUD WEEK FOR THE ENTIRE BALTIMORE RAVENS ORGANIZATION!
WE SLIPPED BY THE BROWNS LIKE AN INCRIMINATING VIDEO OF RAY RICE PAST ROGER GOODELL’S OFFICE!
Mark your calendars, Fuckwits. September 21, 2014. THE DAY THE BLAKE BORTLES ERA IN JACKSONVILLE BEGAN.
Okay, let me write that down: 9/21/14: Bortles era begins in JAX. Team loses 44-17. LOL.
You can’t hold that loss against me. I was just a little rusty from all that bench time.
I’ll feel much better once I get a few hits.
"Ooh, ooh. "Things Josh Gordon says after receiving a package from his weed dealer?”
Hey do you guys know what “NFC” stands for?
Well, obviously, it stands for National Football Confer…”
WRONG. After powering the Eagles to a 3-0 start, the NFC is now the NICK FOLES CONFERENCE, BITCHES.
Did all you Dick Biscuits see the way I whipped those racist Redskins 37-34 yesterdOWWWWWW!
HA. TAKE THAT, COCKROCKET!
Chris Baker? Redskins cheap-shot artist who illegally slammed Nick Foles in the back yesterday before getting into a fight with Eagles OT Jason Peters resulting in a dual ejection?
GODDAMMIT CHRIS BAKER, QUIT SNEAKING UP ON ME AND HITTING ME IN THE BACK!
FUCK YOU CHRIS BAKER! NO ONE KNOCKS MY QB TO THE TURF UNLESS IT’S IN A JANUARY PLAYOFF GAME!
OH YEAH? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT FAT BOY! I’LL CUNT PUNT YOU SO HIGH YOU’LL THINK YOU’RE RICKY WILLIAMS ON VACATION IN JAMAICA.
TWEEEEEEET. YOU’RE BOTH EJECTED FROM THIS CONVO!
The NFL has a zero tolerance policy against big, strong athletes throwing punches on a football field. TAKE THAT VIOLENCE BACK TO THE ELEVATOR WHERE IT BELONGS.
You were just hella lucky to win that game, Foles. MY STATS WERE WAYYYYY BETTER THAN YOURS.
Therefore, you can just call me “KIRK FUCKING COUSINS.” Or “KFC” for short.
AND WHEN IT COMES TO THROWING A FOOTBALL, KFC DOES CHUCKIN’ RIGHT.
OMG Cousins, that acronym was so bad that the Oakland Raiders just tried to draft it in the first round.
Hey, speaking of bad acronyms, where’s RGIII?
Probably in New York somewhere, hiding from the media.
You’re talking about the commissioner’s new nickname, right? “Roger Goodell Is Incredibly Ineffective?”
Aaaand there’s the Raider’s 2nd round pick.
Oh Colin Kaepernick? CALLING COLIN KAEPERNICK!
I’ll bet that you never imagined that three games into the season, you’d be looking up at DREW STANTON AND THE 3-0 CARDINALS, DIDJA?
Actually, none of us thought that. Mainly because none of us had ever heard of you until like five days ago.
FUCK YOU, DREW-WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS.
I’m still a highly paid, world-famous superstar, and you’re just some tackling dummy the Cardinals threw on the field while Carson Palmer’s ovary sprain heals up.
YEAH, WELL I’M UNDEFEATED, WHILE YOU’RE 1-2 AND CURRENTLY LEADING THE LEAGUE IN S.P.A.!
“Sadness per attempt.”
WELL MY STEELERS MADE THE JACKSOLINA PANTHUARS SAD WHEN WE GAVE THEM THEIR FIRST LOSS YESTERDAY IN TIME PRIME!
4 hours ago . Like
Ben, I think you’re combining “Jacksonville Jaguars” and “Carolina Panthers” as one team, because they both joined the league at the same time two decades ago.
NO JOE FLACCO, YOU’RE THINKING OF THE SEATTLE BAY BUCCAHAWKS.
ANYWAY I CAN’T TAKE ALL THE CREDIT FOR OUR HARD THOUGHT VICTORY.
OUR OUTSTANDING RUNNING GUYS, “THE VEON BELL” AND “THE GARRETTE BLOUNT,” TRULY CARRIED US TO VICTORY.
You mean LeVeon Bell and LeGarrette Blount?
I WAS TRANSLATING FROM THEIR NATIVE FRENCH.
THEIR 263 COMBINED RUSHING YARDS IS A CREDIT TO THEIR HARD WORK AND DEDICATION
Plus, I told them that the Panthers D-linemen were all undercover D.E.A. narcs trying to confiscate their pot.
So the Panthers defense really gave up 37 ponts? Jeez, they got burned worse than Andy Dalton on a mildly sunny day
BECAUSE HE'S SO PALE.
Laugh it up, lose-masters. Your pathetic words cannot hurt me because I am protected with the FORCE FIELD OF UNDEFEATEDNESS.
Three straight victories. First place in the division. I EVEN CAUGHT A FUCKING TOUCHDOWN YESTERDAY!
Yes, ladies, I am earning EVERY PENNY of that massive $115 million contract I signed during the offseason.
Holy shit, Dalton's deal is worth $115 mill?
That’s a lot of Ginger Bread.
Meanwhile, poor Jake Locker was pretty much PWHUA all day.
Okay, I’m getting pretty tired of asking what all these stupid acronyms mea…
IT MEANS “PLAYING WITH HEAD UP ASS.” HAHAHAHA!
Oh, hey Peyton Manning. Just wanted to say thanks for all the MOLD passes yesterday.
Sigh. “Mold passes?”
He’s talking about all those“Manning Offensive Lame Ducks” that he sent quacking our way yesterday, LOLOL.
I’LL KILL YOU! SO HELP ME, I’LL EVISCERATE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU ILLEGAL-CONTACTING, JERSEY-GRABBING, LIP-FLAPPING SEAPIGEONS.
PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING IS THE FINEST ATHLETE TO EXIST SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, AND HE DOES NOT THROW DUCKS!
No, you totally did.
I’M WITH YOU PEYTON. FUCK THOSE ANNOYING SEATTLE SQUAWKHEADS.
Why do you give a crap, Brees?
Because those shitbirds beat my Saints TWICE last year, including once in the playoffs.
And ever since Captain Munnerlyn of the Vikings BODY-SLAMMED me yesterday, I’ve been all, “DREW BREES RAGE-MODE ACTIVATED, BITCH!”
Well you got your first victory. So take a deep breath and relax.
Okay, okay. I’m calming down. The urge to kill is shrinking, shrinking, shrinking.
Besides Drew, your Saints play my Cowboys next weekend in Dallas. That means we can hang out all week long!
URGE TO KILL: RISING!
It’s gonna be AWESOME. Seven whole days of two BFFFF’s hanging out.
3 hours ago . Like
I really don’t want to know what that stands fo…
IT STANDS FOR “BEST FOOTBALL FRIENDS FOREVER, FINALLY!”
Since you beat the Vikings, and I beat the Rams this week, that makes us NFL equals, buddy!
We can totally swap tips on, you know, football playing style n’ junk.
WE ARE NOT EQUALS, ROMO!
I AM A HALL-OF-FAME WORTHY SIGNAL CALLER, WHILE THE ONLY THING LOWER THAN YOUR CHANCE OF MAKING THE HOF IS RAY RICE’S CHANCES OF SUCCESSFULLY LAUNCHING A 2nd CAREER AS A FEMININE HYGIENE SPRAY SPOKESMAN.
Look Drew, I’m not trying to smother you. Didn’t you get the text message I sent saying that I wanted to respect your space?
Yes. Because you sent it 58 times.
WELL YOU WEREN’T RESPONDING. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, WAIT ANOTHER THREE MINUTES?
Hey, where the hell is E.J. Manuel? I NEED E.J. MANUEL TO SAY SOMETHING.
E.J. Manuel? Under-achieving QB of the formerly undefeated Buffalo Bills?
EMPHASIS ON THE “FORMERLY!” HAHAHAHAHA.
Rivers, aren’t there any more wounded running backs you should be scraping off the turf somewhere?
BECAUSE CHARGERS TAILBACKS ARE OFT-INJURED THESE DAYS.
Hey, did you guys ever notice that an “E.J. Manuel” sounds like a fancy way of saying “handjob?”
And “Philip Rivers” is just a fancy way of saying “Tony Romo West.”
Aw, don’t cry too much Handjob. After all, there’s no shame in losing to the eventual Super Bowl champions.
Please. The only thing lower than your playoff winning percentage is Roger Goodell's chances of successfully publishing a book titled "Effective methods of Crisis Management."
Speaking of ugly QBs who are no longer undefeated, WHAZZUP RYAN FITZPATRICK?
Get raped with a boat oar, Manning
You know what, Fitzpatrick? You remind me of a new Apple product. Because every time I look at you all I can think is iSuck. HAHAHA.
Wait, that came out wrong.
THIS IS AWFUL. WHY MUST I ENDURE SUCH FAILURE FROM MY WORTHLESS OFFSPRING?
The fuck, Dad? I WON yesterday.
WHO’S TALKING ABOUT YOU, UGLY? I was talking about your brother’s loss in the game that actually MATTERED.
What, did you also play in a game yesterday or something?
YES! I beat the previously undefeated Texans!
And you play for… who, again?
THE GIANTS. AS A TWO-TIME SUPER BOWL MVP.
Whatever. I’ll tell your mother when she sobers up.
Well you can tell her that her important son is hard at work on a plan to eradicate those pesky Seahawks once and for all.
2 hours ago . Like
Pretty big talk for a guy who’s now lost to SEATTLE twice in 2014.
THAT’S BECAUSE I WAS GOING ABOUT IT ALL WRONG.
Instead of relying on my worthless teammates, I’m rallying the greatest, most important QBs to band together in this fight against our common enemy.
ELITE QBs: SOUND OFF!
RODGERS HERE. FUCK THE SEAHAWKS!
BREES HERE. FUCK THE SEAHAWKS!
PEYTON GODDMAN MANNING HERE. FUCK THE SEAHAWKS!
WE ARE THE “E.L.I.T.E.S.!”
“Extraordinary Legends Intending To Extinguish Seahawks”
SEPARATELY, WE ARE EACH A SUPERSTAR!
BUT TOGETHER, WE ARE AN ELITE SEAHAWK-STOMPING CREW!
ALL HAIL THE E.L.I.T.E.S!
Wait, wait, wait, assholes. Someone forgot to invite me.
That’s because only elite QBs are allowed in this group. Duh.
It says so right there in the name, stupid.
I’M TOM MOTHERFUCKING BRADY. I’M WAY MORE ELITER THAN ANY OF YOU CROTCHMOPPERS.
Not this year, UggSucker. You only have 632 measly yards? And a lowly 82.9 rating?
THE TOM BRADY DECLINE IS CLEARLY WELL UNDERWAY.
How can you POSSIBLY claim that I’m not elite?
You see? YOU SEE? IT REALLY HURTS, DOESN’T IT?
I’M STILL AS ELITE AS EVER! I EVEN LED THE PATRIOTS TO A 7 POINT VICTORY YESTERDAY!
Yes, but you played the Raiders. Anything less than a three TD victory against Oakland technically counts as a loss.
GODDAMMIT. We were RIGHT THERE at the goal line for the tying TD late in the 4th. AND A STUPID PENALTY COST US THE GAME.
I would think by now you’d be used to me kicking your ass thanks to a well-timed penalty.
CHOKE ON A LOBSTER ROLL, BRADY
That sounds like an STD that you just KNOW Tom Brady’s probably passed on to, like, a dozen NFL wives and girlfriends.
Well I’d love to stay and chat with you ladies, but I have a game tonight against the Jets that I have to go and not give a shit about.
You can just classify me as NFG. “No fucks given.”
While you can classify me as “GHTTAWADAGTUAATFAQBC”
Which stands for…?
“Guy Who Thinks That Acronyms Were A Dumb Ass Gimmick To Use As A Theme For A QB Convo”
Okay, this concludes another fine, fun-filled convo. So what did everyone think of it?
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September 29, 2014 at 10:56 am
I’m predicting that Romo will start off the next convo after that shocking asswhooping he gave the Saints.
September 25, 2014 at 5:42 pm
Eli Manning sucks more than Sam Bradford at a gay bar in Vegas.
September 23, 2014 at 9:05 pm
I hate to be ‘That Guy’ but, “TL;DR”?
September 23, 2014 at 11:20 pm
Too Long; Didn’t Read
September 25, 2014 at 2:48 pm
Or Too Lame; Don’t Read.
September 22, 2014 at 9:40 pm
I love that you guys do this, but really, no mention of the Bucs/Falcons rape at all? How can you let Josh McCown just stride on by? Did I miss some kind of widely understood refusal to admit that the Bucs exist?
September 23, 2014 at 3:24 am
Eh, give him a break. He hurt his hand slammming it into an Atlanta Falcons Player’s Face Mask. And it’s not like Glennon did OH SO MUCH BETTER. Oh sure, he threw a Touchdown as opposed to an interception, and he threw for twice as many yards and three times as many receptions…
Wait. Why DID they let Josh McCown just stride on by?
September 22, 2014 at 6:32 pm
I didn’t understand the Wilson troll can u guys help me?
September 22, 2014 at 7:47 pm
He got Manning to insult himself. Manning thought that Wilson was secretly trolling like he did after winning the Super Bowl. If you haven’t read the convo SeaChamps go back and read it and you’ll know Manning was referring to.
September 22, 2014 at 4:41 pm
Great job guys. I love how you guys keep finding ways to get Bradford in even though he’s hurt lol. These convos wouldn’t be the same without him.
September 22, 2014 at 3:43 pm
It’s a dark joke but I thought they would bring up Seattle winning after Rob Bironas had died.
September 22, 2014 at 11:56 am
Now Brady’s not elite? Hilarious that Flacco was the one to console him.
Oh, one correction (and I hate being that guy) – the Bortles Era began on 9/21/2014, not 9/20/2014
September 22, 2014 at 12:01 pm
No, thank you for being “that guy.” No matter how hard I try to proofread, some dumb error like this always sneaks through. I appreciate the catch. Fixing now.
September 22, 2014 at 12:12 pm
Second Correction: Nick Foles got hit in the right side of the chest, right on his ribs, not hit back. To avoid future confusion, try any of these time-tested methods of getting shit right.
1. Try actually watching the games
2. Watch any of the 1001 highlight shows plastered all over TV
3. Attempt to use the thing you are using right now (we call it the internet) to find a replay.
4. Don’t be such giant fucking morons.
P.S. Your acronyms aren’t funny, they’re fucking stupid. Get your shit together.
September 22, 2014 at 12:15 pm
I meant to type *hit in the back, but the lack of funny up top got me all rage-y. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T PRESS THE RIGHT BUTTON IN THE EVEVATOR!!!
September 22, 2014 at 3:37 pm
September 22, 2014 at 7:52 pm
Calm down spliffy.
September 22, 2014 at 6:09 pm
If youre going to be this pissed off about one tiny error, then don’t read the convos. I have an acronym for you: GTFO.
September 22, 2014 at 11:50 am
no trolling? nice change up. but colin craperdick still sucks
Guy Who Hates Russell Wilson
September 22, 2014 at 4:26 pm
Yeah he sucks. But Wilson sucks more!
September 24, 2014 at 9:09 pm
You suck, but your sucking is not MOIST.
September 22, 2014 at 11:27 am
Well, they got some of the stuff I was hoping to see in.. nice change up on the Wilson troll.. but here’s what I was hoping for..
Joe Flacco: Guess who just led their team in a 4th Quarter comeback victory and his 20th game winning drive. Me, thats who. That has to make me elite!
Drew Brees: To be elite, you need a Super Bowl Ring.
Peyton Manning: To be elite, you need to hold the single season passing yardage record.
Aaron Rodgers: To be elite, you need to be able to discount double check all your endorsements.
Tom Brady: To be elite, you need to have a runway super-model wife.
Russell Wilson: To be elite, you need to be undefeated against me.
Brees, Manning, Rodgers, and Brady all threaten Wilson with things that would make Sam Bradford blush.
Ben Roethlisberger: THEIR UPSET BECAUSE NONE OF THOSE GUYS HAVE BEATEN RUSSELL WILSON, YOU SEE?
The real Andrew Luck
September 22, 2014 at 1:43 pm
Only have to be undefeated vs Wilson? Dang, didn’t know I already stepped into that honor
September 22, 2014 at 5:09 pm
Hey, I haven’t lost to him either! I’m elite you guys!
September 22, 2014 at 7:43 pm
Flacco has to play him first before saying he’s undefeated against him.
September 22, 2014 at 7:44 pm
They already did a similar bit with all 4 threatening him.
September 24, 2014 at 8:20 pm
http://profootballmock.com/nfl-qbs-on-facebook-wild-card-bitches/ – from 2012-13 playoffs
http://profootballmock.com/facebookchat/nfl-qbs-on-facebook-fallen-leaders/ – from week 15, 2013
I’d like to see where this goes in a couple of weeks (Wilson’s got a bye this week).
September 25, 2014 at 2:47 pm
I was actually referring to this one:
But those were good too. I’m sure he’ll troll someone next week despite being off. Seems like Peyton Manning is his new target ever since the Super Bowl.
Jim in NYC
September 22, 2014 at 11:19 am
This convo answers the question, “Who explains the joke when Roethlisberger makes the joke?”
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