Now THAT is how to begin an NFL season. WITH A GIANTS VICTORY OVER THE BILLS IN A CLOSE GAME! HAHAHA!
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
Seriously Manning? You’re bragging about a meaningless preseason win?
6 hours ago . Like
Oh, let him have this. Winning that game will probably be the highlight of 2014 for him.
It’s already the highlight of his past couple of seasons, as it is.
SUCK IT, E.J. MANUEL. You spent all summer getting ready for the new NFL season, and now it’s already ruined
Our season is NOT ruined just because we lost one preseason game.
That’s true. Their season is actually ruined because they have E.J. Manuel at quarterback
Thank GOD football is finally back.
I’ve been waiting all summer to get back on the field now that I’ve finally shed that rickety hunk of junk that held me back last year
Your knee brace?
How about you Manning? Where were you during the summer?
In the Broncos gameplanning room, watching film non-stop.
Typical Peyton Manning. Always studying game film.
Game film? FUCK THAT.
I was watching “Silence of the Lambs,” “Friday the 13th”, and “Saw” 1, 2, and 3 on a continuous loop.
I'm looking for creative ways to gut, disembowel, and eviscerate Russell Wilson the next time I play that little bastard.
“Gut,” “disembowel,” and “eviscerate” all mean the same thing.
Sort of like “failure,” “disappointment,” and “Tony Romo.”
Foles, I hope you get a paper cut on your pee hole.
Well this Thursday, I get my first shot at revenge against that annoying little Seattle Half-Hawk.
It’s a meaningless preseason game Manning. Hardly a revenge match.
Will the winner of this game receive a Lombardi trophy?
A couple of years from now, will anyone even remember the result?
I guess not.
See? This game will be nothing like the Super Bowl.
Geez. Now I just feel all crappy and sad inside.
Okay so in that way, this game is exactly like the Super Bowl.
WILSON, I WILL CHOP YOU UP INTO FINELY SLICED CUBES AND SERVE YOU AS A TOPPING ON AN EXTRA-SMALL PAPA JOHN’S PIZZA!
Can’t taste any worse than their regular pizza.
And you Cutler? How did you spend your summer?
Pretty much by not giving a fuck.
Yep, this summer I kicked back and gave no fucks harder than I’ve ever not given any fucks before.
Meanwhile, I spent my summer preparing for the playoff games my Packers will be scheduled in come January.
5 hours ago . Like
NO MORE FIRST ROUND LOSSES FOR US!
Hey Dicktoaster, all that planning’s not gonna help since you won’t even MAKE the playoffs this season.
THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG, WOBBLE ARM. I play in the same division as you, Matt Stafford, and Christian Plunder.
With creampuffs like that, the NFL might as well just have a big line crossing out weeks 1 through 17, with the word BYE written across it on our schedule.
AU CONTRAIRE, OH MUSTACHIOED CHEESE PUFF
Crap. Who gave the rookie our convo password?
As the celebrated 1st round draft selection of the historic Minnesota Vikings franchise, it shall be ME assuming my rightful place as the first team signal caller come the advent of the forthcoming season, not this “Christian Prancer” chap.
I don’t have enough dignity left to even correct the spelling of my name anymore.
LISTEN BRIDGEWATER, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL BE ASSUMING IS A HUNCHED OVER POSITION WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR KNEES WHEN MY PACKERS JAM A COUPLE OF 40 POINT DEFEATS UP YOUR ROOKIE ASS THIS YEAR!
Actually, grabbing your ankles is the more polite method to present your anus for rectal insertions. Typical rookie faux-pas.
WHOO-HOO. IT’S ALMOST HERE! AFTER MONTHS OF WAITING, IT’S ALMOST HERE!
The NFL season?
NO. THE “TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES” MOVIE. IT OPENS THIS WEEK!
5 hours ago . Like .
FANS OF CRAPPY MICHAEL BAY FILMS like this
Me and my pet turtle Sammy have been waiting all summer for this flick!
You’re taking a turtle to the movies?
Why not? He took 52 weasels to the playoffs last season.
How did I spend MY summer, you ask?
I went from bulletin board to bulletin board in the Charlotte area, hanging up flyers with little pull-off strips saying "WIDE RECEIVERS DESPERATELY NEEDED – PLEASE CALL IF INTERESTED"
BECAUSE THE CAROLINA PANTHERS HAVE NO WORTHWHILE WIDEOUTS ON THEIR ROSTER, YOU SEE
So did you get any responses from those flyers?
Just two. One from an illegal immigrant day-laborer, and the other from Santonio Holmes.
Juan Carlos is now penciled in as our starting slot receiver.
HAHAHA. Sucks to be you, Newton.
Man, I sure am glad that I have one of the top WRs in the game catching my passes.
That's awfully nice of you to say Drew.
NOT YOU, BRITTLE-BONES. I'm talking about Jimmy Graham.
Me? One of the league's top wideouts? THEN WHY DID THE SAINTS INSIST ON ONLY PAYING ME A LOWLY TIGHT END’S SALARY?
Because you suck at negotiating almost as much as you suck at blocking, Captain Turnstile.
THAT’S NOT TRUE. I happen to be a very good negotiator.
You're the worst negotiator in the world.
At the very minimum, I'm an average negotiator.
No, you're one of the three or four lousiest negotiators on the planet
Okay, I guess I can live with that.
My summer was spent moving to my new home in Philadelphia.
First thing I did was get an apartment up in Kensington.
KENSINGTON? Sanchez, that’s like the crappiest, most run down neighborhood in the city.
Leave it to Mark Sanchez to head straight for the ass-end of town.
BECAUSE HE ONCE ACCIDENTALLY RAN FACE-FIRST INTO ANOTHER GUY’S BUTT, YOU SEE
Me, I took time off this summer to do some traveling. I went to London, then spent a few days in Paris.
That's a coincidence. My wife also took a vacation to London and Paris.
Then I hung out for a while in Rome, Madrid, and Vienna.
Wow, this is a HUGE coincidence. My wife also went to Rome, Madrid, and Vienna.
WAKE UP, TANNEHILL. It’s clearly not a coincidence. Brady was obviously banging your wife in all those cities.
Well it’s kind of a coincidence, Ryan. I also banged YOUR wife in Berlin.
I spent my summer just kind of sitting around. Not really doing anything.
4 hours ago . Like
Must've felt just like the playoffs for you then.
FOLES, I HOPE MARK SANCHEZ RUNS INTO YOUR ASS WITH A STRAP-ON STEAK KNIFE ATTACHED TO HIS FACE
Anyway, what I MEANT was that I was recovering from back surgery. So I just hung out on the couch and watched some sports.
Sports, huh? By any chance did you cheer for the Miami Heat?
I did, actually.
And the New York Rangers?
As a matter of fact, yes
And the Kentucky Wildcats and Roger Federer and the Brazilian National Soccer team?
Yes, yes, and sí.
I’m sensing a pattern here.
Did you also cheer for California Chrome?
Not in the Kentucky Derby or the Preakness. But in the Belmont Stakes, yes.
HAHAHA TONY ROMO IS THE WORLD'S BIGGEST JINX!
THAT'S NOT TRUE. All the failures of the teams I cheered for is just a coincidence.
Come to think of it, you did pat my knee back in May and told me you were rooting for me to stay healthy this season
BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS
BEAST MODE RELUCTANTLY ABANDONED BRIEF HOLDOUT. REPORTED TO SEAHAWKS TRAINING CAMP DISPITE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARY.
Nice going Lynch. Who taught you how to negotiate, Jimmy Graham?
BREES, I WILL SLAM DUNK YOU OVER THE GOALPOST AND GLADLY ACCEPT THE 15 YARD PENALTY.
NOW BEAST MODE MUST SEEK ALTERNATE MEANS TO ENHANCE MEAGER PAYCHECKS
THANKFULLY, BEAST MODE DISCOVER SEVERAL UNATTENDED SUPER BOWL RINGS SITTING IN LOCKERS OF PUNY DEFENSIVE BACKS.
BEAST MODE PLANS TO TAKE SHINY JEWELRY TO LOCAL PAWN SHOP. SELL WHOLE LOT FOR THIRTY BUCKS OR BEST OFFER
What? NO! PLEASE DON’T TAKE THEM AWAY FROM US!
Ooh, ooh. “Things Buffalo fans will be saying when Bon Jovi announces he’s moving the Bills to Toronto?”
Let’s all give some credit to Johnny Manziel for his amazing summer of embarrassing photos and immature behavior.
I mean, the Cleveland Browns have set the bar for “total humiliation” pretty damn high, but Manziel somehow managed to clear it with drunken colors.
Bro, I am so SICK of people like you hating on me.
Sure I like to hit the occasional party. Or down the occasional drink. Or snort the occasional line of coke off the occasional hooker's asscheek. SO WHAT?
I'M A YOUNG, RICH, GOOD LOOKING DUDE. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
And now you've lowered the bar for "good-looking" as well.
Look, all my partying, drinking, and drug abusing is not going to prevent me from being just as good as any other Browns quarterback from the past couple of decades
He’s actually got a point there.
YO-HO, YO-HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!
3 hours ago . Like
I spent my summer becoming the new starting QB for the Raiders.
SO GET READY TO WATCH ME PULL OFF THE IMPOSSIBLE IN 2014!
Somehow keep Alex Smith from being the worst quarterback in the AFC West?
Somehow go one full game without throwing a pick-six?
Somehow not look like a shaved, bucktoothed, albino rodent?
WRONG, WRONG, AND FUCK YOU.
I'll be returning the Raiders to relevance this year. After this season, they’ll be writing about me in the team history books.
I’ll probably have you listed under “Free agent failure who lost job to Derek Carr in late September”
How about you Alex Smith? How’d you spend your summer?
Watched TV. "Game of Thrones," mostly.
OMG, I was rooting for the Viper SO MUCH in his match against The Mountain.
My summer was spent settling in as a member of the Jets.
Man, I really love New York. The culture, the nightlife, the underground fighting pits, the cuisine. This city has it all.
UNDERGROUND FIGHTING PITS? Vick, please don’t tell us you’re dogfighting again.
Oh no, not dogs. Just, you know, pigeons, rats, and hobos.
YOU’RE OPERATING A HOBO FIGHTING RING?
Oh yeah, it’s a lot of fun. Vince Young won for three straight weeks back in June.
Personally, I just took it easy this summer. Relaxed and tried to keep my stress levels low.
ICE UP, RAISINDICK!
Steve Smith? The hilariously short-tempered former Panthers WR who’s currently in his first training camp as a member of the Baltimore Ravens?
Listen Flacco you monobrowed mangina. My celebrated career as a premier pass catcher is just about over, and I've changed teams in a last ditch effort to get a Super Bowl ring before I retire
Yeah, good luck with that.
SO I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY JIBBER-JABBER ABOUT YOU "RELAXING”
All I want to hear outta your mouth is "Here Mr. Smith, here's another perfectly thrown touchdown catch for you during yet another Ravens victory. Please enjoy your ride to the Super Bowl MVP title.”
Because so help me Flacco, if you fail to get me that ring I will SCOTCH TAPE AN ANGRY WASP TO THE INSIDE OF YOUR JOCKSTRAP.
How can you tell if a wasp is “angry?”
If it lives in Baltimore, it’s a pretty safe bet.
Don’t you guys want to know what I did this summer?
I spent most of my time fishing.
WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, BRADFORD
Clearly “fishing” is some kind of pervo-code for “inserting a honey-covered dildo into your Grandma’s foaming vagina to catch venomous pinworms,” right?
Or “dipping your dick in red pepper and chili hot sauce, then shoving it down the throat of a still breathing halibut,” maybe?
Geez, you guys just really think of me as some one-dimensional sexual deviant, don’t you?
I’ll have you know I was LITERALLY fishing with a LITERAL fishing pole down at the LITERAL lake near my house, okay? Sheesh.
Okay, okay. We’re sorry Bradford.
Oh, and did you guys know that peeled anal scabs marinated in period blood make really good bait?
MY EYES JUST EXPLODED READING THAT!
THAT MENTAL IMAGE IS SO DISGUSTING, ROGER GOODELL JUST SUSPENDED IT FOR THREE GAMES!
Impossible. Roger Goodell has a policy of not suspending disgusting things any longer than two games.
3 hours ago . Like .
RAY RICE likes this
Well, I spent my summer trying to help those poor souls in society who are less fortunate than myself.
2 hours ago . Like
That's why in June, I baked several dozen poison-berry pies to deliver to various homeless shelters.
Don’t you mean boysenberry pies?
HAHAHA. ANDREW LUCK MURDERED A BUNCH OF HOBOS
No wonder Vince Young never showed up to defend his title.
You guys, I’m getting really worried about my turtle Sammy.
He looks depressed and sad, and he can't seem to stop choking
Ooh, ooh. “Things Cowboys fans say when they’re watching Tony Romo?”
No, seriously. He’s acting really sick, and I found a weird tube in his pen with some greenish ooze inside of it.
SURPRISE! HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY KOLLEN!
What the hell did you do Ben?
I FED A VIAL OF RADIOACTIVE WASTE TO KOLLEN CAPERNIK’S TURTLE
JESUS CHRIST, YOU DID WHAT?!?!? WHY?!?!?!
SO HE'LL DEVELOP SUPER CRIME FIGHTING POWERS JUST LIKE THOSE “TEENAGE MUCOUS NANCY TURTLES” THAT YOU LOVE!
GODDAMMIT, ROETHLISBERGER! YOU MIGHT HAVE KILLED SAMMY! HE JUST PUKED UP A DISGUSTING GREENISH-BLUE PUDDLE OF BLOOD, PHLEGM AND SNOT!
I hear that’s exactly how the Seattle Seahawks designed their home uniforms.
You know, it dawns on me that we didn’t talk very much about, you know, football stuff in this convo.
Well, there’s not much for us to talk about, since we didn’t watch any real football this week.
Ooh, ohh. “Things Cleveland Browns fans say every week during the NFL season?”
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September 3, 2014 at 2:13 pm
As a Ranger’s fan, fuk u romo >_>
August 27, 2014 at 6:55 am
Come to think of it, Tony Romo also called me to wish me good luck at my last job. And wished me good luck on my current job search.
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August 9, 2014 at 10:48 pm
Can I fill in for Vince Young? we can have VH1 film it as well.
August 9, 2014 at 10:29 pm
Man this summer was fun in the joint hanging out with all the he-she’s
August 8, 2014 at 11:40 am
Its funny because Lebron James needs a bunch of all stars to help him win championships you see!
August 8, 2014 at 2:36 am
Romo should win it all this year.
August 8, 2014 at 1:12 am
I root for the Dallas Cowboys myself. The problem isn’t Tony, the problem is he doesn’t have any good players around him.
Now if that crappy owner of that team could just get him Calvin Johnson, AJ Green, Jimmy Graham, Adrian Peterson, a bunch of OL as well, then Tony would be able to carry that team offensively. Like I carry my crappy teammates all the time.
Why just yesterday I managed to get another scrub traded to Cleveland who I will carry to the Finals, but he will hold me back probably and I’ll lose again. I just need Kevin Durant, CP3, and maybe one other guy though and I’ll be good to go.
August 6, 2014 at 11:34 am
and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT’S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Love me some NFL QB’s on Facebook!
Worlds biggest fan of the word Moist
August 6, 2014 at 5:16 am
This article makes me moist
People Who Go On Message Boards For TV Shows When They're NOT Caught Up
August 5, 2014 at 2:06 pm
DAMNIT!! WOULD IT KILL ANYONE TO PUT “SPOILERS” BEFORE YOU COMMENT?
August 5, 2014 at 2:04 pm
Upon Closer Inspection, Wide Right.
August 5, 2014 at 12:19 pm
THE LACES WERE IN!!! THEY WERE IN!!!!
1990 NFL Season
August 5, 2014 at 12:14 pm
I’m the last time the Bengals won a playoff game. Andy Dalton was likely a toddler, the Berlin Wall was still standing, the Cowboys and Bills were relevant, and Scott Norwood had the respect of Bill fans.
August 5, 2014 at 11:29 am
CUZ ANDY DALTON ALWAYS GETS ELIMINATED IN THE FIRST PLAYOFF GAMES EVERY YEAR YOU SEE
August 5, 2014 at 9:33 am
It means that the Bengals won’t win a playoff game for at least the next six seasons!!
August 5, 2014 at 9:32 am
How is that good news?
August 5, 2014 at 9:31 am
Wow, that IS good news!
Did you guys hear the news? The Bengals gave me a contract extension! SIX YEARS FOR $118 MILLION MOTHERFUCKERS!!
TYPICAL EAGLES FAN!
August 4, 2014 at 11:54 pm
FOLES IF WE LOSE TO SEATTLE THIS YEAR YOU BETTER NOT GET TROLLED OR ILL HAVE MARK SANCHEZ HAVE A STEAK KNIFE STRAPED TO HIM TO SPEAR YOU WITH IT!
Another PFM fan
August 4, 2014 at 10:35 pm
^Spot on man! I’m glad Luck vs Romo is not a Monday night game cuz I’m looking forward to that exchange as well. The rematches of Wilson vs Rogers and Manning are two others that should be good. Roethlisberger could actually explain the meaning behind the trolling without knowing he’s being trolled and who knows it could piss Wilson off.
An Actual PFM Reader
August 4, 2014 at 8:23 pm
I am actually looking forward to Romo vs. Luck this year. No matter the result, it will be interesting to see how that exchange pans out on PFM. Also, Wilson and RGIII will be interesting, Alex Smith vs Kaepernick, Matt Schaub vs the Texans, Brady vs Rodgers, Cutler, Stafford.. Manziel vs Brees (or any of the QBs he faces should be win the starting job), Cam Newton vs Roethlisberger should be interesting too, because Cam often corrects Ben when he says something wrong. Also, Brees vs all of the AFC North QBs. I just wish Roethlisberger and Wilson faced each other this year. It would be funny to see Roethlisberger’s response to being trolled.
August 4, 2014 at 8:13 pm
BECAUSE ALEX SMITH IS A BUS DRIVER
August 4, 2014 at 8:12 pm
WILSON I WILL FORGET TO STOP MY BUS WHEN I SEE YOU CROSSING THE STREET!!
August 4, 2014 at 8:10 pm
I am also 1-0 in Super Bowls.
I am 1-0 against Wilson, about to make it 2-0 this year!! He can’t troll me!!
August 4, 2014 at 6:11 pm
Check me out, everyone, as I make multiple appearances this season on the hit new show “Orange Is The New Blackmon”.
Giants Jersey Forsalecheep
August 4, 2014 at 5:49 pm
Eli, put the phone down and go practice throwing completions. If I wanted a team to disappoint me this often I would be a Jets fan
August 4, 2014 at 3:06 pm
Russell Wilson has trolled and got threatened by the following:
Andrew Luck (Free Agency or Draft of last year, not after a game)
Jay-Z (only non-FB player to do so)
He has been trolled by and threatened both in the 2012 season:
Ryan Tannehill (yes they both have Ryan in their names)
All that being said, who would you like to see him troll next or get trolled by in the event of a loss? He plays the AFC West and NFC East this year in addition to Green Bay and Carolina
August 4, 2014 at 3:00 pm
August 4, 2014 at 2:22 pm
Tyrion Lannister!! Awesome
August 4, 2014 at 12:46 pm
Thank god actual convos are back. Now maybe the fake commenter will finally stop.
August 4, 2014 at 12:43 pm
Andrew Luck killing hobos with poison berry pies, lol, great reference to Aaron Roger’s time traveling saga last season.
August 4, 2014 at 12:37 pm
The pee hole papercut comment was one of the most disturbing things I have ever heard. Roger Goodell should suspend it for a maximum of 2 games.
August 4, 2014 at 12:15 pm
Angry Steve Smith is going to be my absolute favorite participant for this entire season.
August 4, 2014 at 10:44 am
Yes it is back! I almost died twice laughing!
August 4, 2014 at 10:25 am
we’ll choke again… and again… and agin
August 4, 2014 at 10:02 am
“BEAST MODE PLANS TO TAKE SHINY JEWELRY TO LOCAL PAWN SHOP. SELL WHOLE LOT FOR THIRTY BUCKS OR BEST OFFER” OMG! Dying!!
August 4, 2014 at 9:00 am
WOOO!!! GO DOLPHINS!!
August 4, 2014 at 8:56 am
Um… Actually, the Dolphins are playing Atlanta.
He’s right about them not knowing what hit them, though.
August 4, 2014 at 8:55 am
What are you talking about? My team isn’t playing until Friday. AND ATLANTA WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT ‘EM, BABY!!!
August 4, 2014 at 8:54 am
Hey Kaepernick, I hope you and your team are ready for a royal ass-whoppin’ this Thursday!
Guy Who Whispers "Penis"
August 4, 2014 at 8:34 am
August 4, 2014 at 8:16 am
Eli’s 2 >anyone else’s 1. yuck it up turd boys, yuck it up.
August 4, 2014 at 7:51 am
Loved the reference to Romo being a jinx especially the Tyrion Lannister line.
Guy with a Keyboard
August 4, 2014 at 7:29 am
“FOLES, I HOPE MARK SANCHEZ RUNS INTO YOUR ASS WITH A STRAP-ON STEAK KNIFE ATTACHED TO HIS FACE”
LMFAO that was brilliant!
August 4, 2014 at 3:55 am
“Impossible. Roger Goodell has a policy of not suspending disgusting things any longer than two games.” XD
Also, thumbs up to “I’ve been waiting all summer to get back on the field now that I’ve finally shed that rickety hunk of junk that held me back last year…Mike Shanahan.”
August 4, 2014 at 2:08 am
I didn’t get enough attention… but my poor turtle …. I certainly want to go see that new TMNT movie… but I’m such a choke artist..I just can’t help myself
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