SNORE. What a boring day in the NFL yesterday.
Like . Comment . Share . 6 hours ago
Boring? You thought yesterday was boring? What are you, HIGH?
6 hours ago . Like
A little, yeah. But still. Those games were a total snoozefest.
Nothing but crappy teams with crappy QBs bumbling around in crappy weather.
Then you clearly missed the AVALANCHE of AWESOME I unleashed against the Minnesota Ice Queens.
FIVE TOUCHDOWNS SCORED IN THE LAST TWO MINUTES OF THE GAME. I CALL THAT PRETTY EPIC.
Eli Manning calls that “a good month.”
HE’S NOT VERY GOOD THIS SEASON.
Well I could NOT be happier.
After getting my kick return TD STOLEN by Mike Tomlin last week, the karma gods repaid me with a 77 yard kick return THIS week!
“Repaid,” hell. Our opponent in fantasy was starting the Vikings defense. We did what we had to do.
You twatknobs have to admit: That was pretty damn elite the way I led my team to that comeback victory.
You also threw three interceptions.
Eli Manning calls that, “an average quarter”
Settle down Flacco. You squeaked by Matt Cassel and the Vikings. You can’t brag about mounting a comeback to barely beat a backup QB on a 9-loss team.
‘Guess what everyone? I MOUNTED A MASSIVE COMEBACK TO BARELY BEAT JASON CAMPBELL AND THE BROWNS!
Oh great. Looks like there’s a front of hot air moving in
“Hot air,” my ass. I’m more of what you’d call a “cumming storm.”
BLOW ME, BRADY. YOU KNOW THAT PASS INTEREFERENCE CALL AT THE END OF OUR GAME WAS BULLSHIT!
Oh I don’t think there was anything wrong with that penalty at all.
In fact, I’ve always believed that NFL referees make their best calls on cold, snowy days.
GET FROSTBITE ON YOUR TAINT, BRADY!
WE SHOULD HAVE WON THAT GAME! WE HAD A SIX POINT LEAD WITH ONLY A MINUTE LEFT!
Well there’s your mistake, needledick.
What were you thinking, leaving me an entire 60 seconds? Don’t you know I could probably score TWICE in that time?
Yeah, that’s probably what your wife thinks… no wait. I mean, a minute is probably how long to takes you to get your wife, twice, so…
DAMMIT. I know there’s a “wife” joke in here somewhere.
SHUT YOUR STUTTERHOLE, FLACCO. Only I can come up with quality “wife” jokes.
For example, picture your wife having hot, steamy sex with her favorite guy.
Where's the joke?
Wherever you go until they’re finished.
This loss to the Patriots was YOUR fault, Billy Cundiff! If your last second field goal try hadn’t fallen short, we would have won!
You can’t blame me! That was a 58-yard kick! NO ONE could make a kick that far!
HEY EVERYONE. I HIT A 64-YARD KICK YESTERDAY!
Holy crap, how many kickers are we going to have in this convo?
Well so far we have Billy Cundiff and Matt Prater. So that’s one.
GO GET LIQUORED UP, ALL YOU IDIOT KICKERS. The real story is how PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING CONTINUES HIS ASSAULT THROUGH THE AFC.
Yet again, I hung up FIFTY FAT POINTS on a helpless defense. SUCK IT, TITANS.
NO DEFENSE CAN WEATHER MY TOUCHDOWN TYPHOON.
THAT’S ANOTHER WEATHER TERM.
What happened? Did we win? I took a 40 minute shower, and missed the 2nd half of the game. Because I kept vomiting and shitting my pants.
You got a concussion. Welker. Your second in four weeks.
That’s not surprising. Wes Welker gets concussed when he brushes his teeth too vigorously.
WES WELKER’S FREQUENT CONCUSSIONS CAN’T STOP ME.
NOR CAN THE TITANS DEFENSE, OR THAT INEPT NEW ASSISTANT OF MINE ON THE SIDELINES
You have an “inept new assistant?”
He means me.
397 YARDS! FOUR TOUCHDOWNS! WHAT A GAME I HAD!
WHO SAYS PEYTON MANNING CAN’T PERFORM IN COLD WEATHER?
Your wife, during a vacation to Alaska?
BOOM. That’s how it’s done, Flacco!
Well I’ll tell you who CAN perform in cold weather. NICK FOLES, FUCKERS!
5 hours ago . Like
Even those loser Lions and a freezing Philadelphia snowstorm can’t cool off my BLAZING HOT HEAT WAVE.
“Blazing hot heat wave” is a redundant term.
So is “Loser Lions”
Man, that Philly blizzard looked nasty. There was so much white stuff. White, everywhere!
5 hours ago . Like .
RILEY COOPER likes this
Did someone say, “White stuff?”
Poor Matt Stafford. You and those tiny bitch hands of yours fumbled FIVE times in that blunderstorm.
BUT IT WAS SO COLD! My cheeks started to swell up in the second half.
How could you tell?
You know Stafford, your coach could’ve made a snowman on the sideline, slapped a helmet on his head, and it would have been a better QB than you.
WELL THERE WAS CERTAINLY A HOT BREES BLOWING IN N’AWLINS LAST NIGHT!
‘CAUSE I WAS RAINING DOWN ENOUGH TOUCHDOWNS TO MAKE THE PANTHERS DEFENSE FOLD LIKE A CHEAP UMBRELLA.
You know what? I think that’s enough weather references now.
What? I’m just saying that Cam Newton’s performance yesterday was A FAILSTORM HAILSTORM
A TOUCHDOWN DROUGHT
A TSUNAMI OF TSUCK
But my performance, on the other hand, was what you’d call a DREW BREES SCORE-NADO.
Also known as “SCAR-MAGEDDON”
Aw Newton. Still bitter that I put up more points before halftime than you did all game?
Man, you guys really need to work on your first half defense.
BEFORE LAST NIGHT’S GAME. WE’D ONLY ALLOWED 2 FIRST HALF TD’s ALL SEASON
Well, before last night’s game, I hadn’t anally raped a Panthers defense all year.
So I guess two streaks got snapped yesterday, eh?
CHOKE ON A SNOW CONE, BREES!
HAHAHAHA. I threw for 4 TD’s, AND I passed 50,000 career yards passing!
To put that into perspective, it would take Matt Schaub about three decades to throw for 50,000 yards.
Or two seasons, if you include INT returns.
HE THROWS A LOT OF PICK-6s
Well the weather was pretty bad out in San Francisco yesterday. Because the air was so thick with PLUCKED SEAHAWKS FEATHERS LOLOLOLOL.
Ha, ha. Very funny. Say Kaepernick, how’s the weather way down there where you are?
I’m taller than you, dumbass.
I meant in the standings.
WILSON, I WILL YANK OUT YOUR SPLEEN AND…, wait, what’s going on?
You’re actually talking? You normally only get one line in these convos, and it’s usually to do some stupid joke about that “Fail Mary” game last year.
DID SOMEONE SAY, “DO A LINE?”
Yeah, well, I occasionally contribute some extra dialogue into these convos.
For example, on weeks when I lose to an opponent I truly respect and admire, I make exactly five comments.
But so far you’re only had four.
WILSON, I WILL DROWN YOU IN A TIDAL WAVE OF TOUCHDOWNS DURING THE INEVITABLE RUBBER MATCH WE’RE GOING TO HAVE IN THE PLAYOFFS.
I had a rubber match once.
The security guard at the Ringling Brothers circus found a used condom next to the dancing bear cage that was an exact match to the one I was wearing just five minutes earlier.
Wait, you raped a circus bear?
Well, you should have seen how it was dressed.
Beast mode, motherfuckers. Sigh.
Beast mode experiencing contrasting emotions.
Beast mode feels strong sense of personal pride for passing 1,000 yards, which juxtaposes sharply with melancholy Beast Mode has over losing to puny 49ers.
GORE MODE MOTHERFUCKERS
4 hours ago . Like
Gore Mode made Beast Mode his BITCH by gaining 38 more yards on 3 less carries.
You know what Gore Mode calls a good day? When Gore Mode runs for 51 yards late in the game to put the freeze on the Shithawks’ winning streak.
You know what Trent Richardson calls 51 yards? “A good two-week total.”
Guess that’s why Trent Richardson couldn’t stop Andrew Luck from getting buried in in my BENGAL BLIZZARD!
We used “blizzard” already.
That’s okay. We can use it again and again and again.
Just like Matt Schaub’s wife. BOOM.
So Andy Dalton played Andrew Luck? I guess that’s a battle of “The Redhead” versus “The Bedhead”
The ”Carrot Top” versus “The Caveman”
“No Arm” versus “No Soul”
Well, even though my Colts lost, I’m still proud that we clinched the AFC South division title.
What? Andrew Luck won his division even though he lost the game?
By that logic, you’d think Eli Manning would have won the NFC East three or four times by now.
BECAUSE HE LOSES A LOT.
Did all you crotchwipers see my Dolphins WHIP THE STEELERS IN THEIR OWN SNOWY STADIUM?!
You can call this cold fish, “a winner!”
I usually call a cold fish, “Mrs. Flacco.”
BOOM. Oh, I am just KILLING IT.
GAHHHHH. WE WOULDA PULLED OFF A MIRACLE KICK RETURN FOR THE WIN, IF ANTONIO BROWN DIDN’T STEP OUT OF BOUNDS AT THE 13 YARD LINE!
HAHAHAHA. TOUGH TINSEL, TOMLIN.
Remember last week when you blatantly cheated by stepping over me onto the field?
THE KARMA GODS USED ME TO SHOVE SOME HOT IRONY UP YOUR ASS!
Wait, so the karma gods punish cheating coaches? How come Bill Belichick hasn’t felt their wrath?
‘Cause as a demon spawned hell beast, he’s technically higher on the deity flow chart than they are.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go before Michael Irvin tries to snort me.
4 hours ago . Like .
YES, WE PUT MICHAEL IRVIN IN THE CONVO EARLIER just to make this joke
HOW DID WE LOSE THAT GAME? I THREW FOR 3 YARDS AND 349 TOUCHDOWNS!
Um, I think you want to reverse that. Mr. Roethlisberger.
TOUCHDOWNS 349 AND YARDS 3 FOR THREW I. ME BLAME CAN’T YOU!
LIKES THIS, Yoda does
Well, he doesn’t make any less sense that way.
Hey, you know what DOES make sense? MY CHARGERS, BEATING THE GIANTS BY 23 POINTS!
3 hours ago . Like
GODDAMMIT. That loss knocked us out of the playoffs!
Well, look at it this way Manning:
Even though you lost the game and are tied for the league lead in INTs, I am currently having what may very well be my finest season!
How is that supposed to make me feel better?
It’s not. I just wanted you to look at it that way. HAHAHAHAHA.
I HOPE YOUR FACE GETS FROZEN LIKE THAT, RIVERS!
And while your Giants will be home for the new year, I’m positioning my Chargers for a possible wild card berth in the AFC!
(immediately begins orchestrating trade for Eli back to Chargers)
Did everyone enjoy watching that RGIII shitstorm in Washington as much as I did? HAHAHA
SIT ON AN ICICLE, SLEET-FOR-BRAINS!
Hey Griffin, you know why we beat you so badly yesterday? Because our “Chiefs” nickname honors Native Americans. But “Redskins” is just a racist slur.
So the karma gods punished you by giving us a 35-point victory.
While they’re at it, could the karma gods also give us back all the land white people stole from us?
Sorry. You guys gotta stay on the reservations. We need our cheap smokes.
MIKE SHANAHAN, YOU INSUBORDINATE HAS-BEEN COCKBISCUIT!
How DARE you disrespect me publicly like you did yesterday? You are so fired. You and your entire family of filthy orangeskins!
You can’t fire me! I quit a year ago. I just never told you or anyone else until now.
YOU’VE RUINED THE MAGNIFICENT FRANCHISE I’VE WORKED SO HARD TO BUILD!
Does Dan Snyder have some other NFL franchise I'm not aware of?
We don't even have a first round draft pick next year. We gave it up as part of the trade for RGIII!
Too bad. You could’ve used that pick to address your glaring need at quarterback.
Hey! I AM A PREMIER YOUNG NFL QB!
SO AM I!
THAT’S RIGHT! WE STILL HAVE TWO OUTSTANDING YOUNG QBs ON OUR ROSTER!
With a total of three good knees.
See? Like I said, nothing interesting happened in the NFL yesterday.
But TONIGHT, the forecast calls for partly crushed Cowboys, and scattered Tony Romo turnovers.
Cutler, I’ll have you know that my rating in the month of December is the highest of ANY QB during the last 4 seasons.
You know what they say, Romo. There are 3 kinds of lies:
Lies, damn lies, and lies that claim that Tony Romo DOESN’T suck in December.
Those are the worst kind.
YOU CAN'T TALK SHIT TO ME, CUTLER. YOU’RE NOT EVEN PLAYING TONIGHT!
So? Just because I’m injured doesn’t mean I can’t kick a little ass in the convo.
THEN HOW COME I HAD LESS LINES IN THIS STUPID CONVO THAN RUSSELL WILSON?
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November 4, 2014 at 7:00 pm
Wilson only had four lines.
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December 16, 2013 at 11:10 pm
loved the yoda shit
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December 16, 2013 at 11:52 am
December 16, 2013 at 11:34 am
faster faster you fools you fools!
December 16, 2013 at 11:15 am
Of course once it IS published, a lot of people will complain about it….
December 16, 2013 at 11:09 am
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz HURRY UP
December 16, 2013 at 11:08 am
Where is my precious
December 16, 2013 at 11:06 am
I’m with you all. My Mondays are not complete without a QB Facebook convo. I used to want them on Tuesdays to include MNF but I’m used to it now.
December 16, 2013 at 11:05 am
Please get the new one in!!!
December 16, 2013 at 10:39 am
It must be taking them some time to work in Eli’s 5 picks, Romo’s latest December fail-fest and everything else.
December 16, 2013 at 10:11 am
No kidding. WE WANT WEEK 15! Between the Mannings and Brady losing, Romo being Romo in December, and my Saints playing like crap on the road I can’t wait to read this one.
December 16, 2013 at 10:06 am
WHERE IS IT???
December 16, 2013 at 9:11 am
They’re usually up at 12 EST. I don’t recall ever seeing one before 11am and I’ve been reading them since the beginning.
December 16, 2013 at 9:03 am
Interesting that these are always up at 9 – 10 am EST and yet this weeks hasn’t been put up yet. I guess Tommy Boy getting beat by the Dolphins hurts the PFM guys and they don’t want there golden boy to feel bad.
December 15, 2013 at 11:13 pm
I cannot wait for the one in the morning. Romo is going to get crapped on worse than ever before!
December 15, 2013 at 4:56 pm
Romo actually avoided being crapped on today…according to the game I just watched, that ain’t gonna last.
December 12, 2013 at 9:23 pm
If the pats lose, lauren tannehill will jump in and claim brady’s wife! “uhhh… can I watch” “me too”…
December 12, 2013 at 10:11 am
December 12, 2013 at 9:34 am
FYI, the Pats were down by five. not six. They missed the 2-point try.
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December 12, 2013 at 6:09 am
@Ebad careful, Joe Flacco might ragequit.
December 11, 2013 at 2:51 pm
So if the Dolphins beat New England this week, does that mean that Ryan Tannehill gets Brady’s wife?
December 11, 2013 at 8:32 am
Die hard Pats fan here, and love how you categorize Bill as a higher demon than karma! Brady wife jokes are the best….keep it up
December 11, 2013 at 7:04 am
When Mike Tomlin Complains.
Shouldn’t it be a lateral, not a kick return?
December 11, 2013 at 6:40 am
Would like to see some more Jags in this considering they have the longest winning streak in the AFC and are still not out of the playoff hunt, surprisingly.
December 10, 2013 at 2:11 pm
Took me about 5 minutes to finally get the Russel Wilson joke. BAHAHAHA!
December 10, 2013 at 2:06 pm
I was wondering when Wes Welker was going to make a reference to his Old Spice commercials. Well done.
December 10, 2013 at 11:09 am
In the last two weeks there should,have been,something about jones-drew or ace sanders td
December 10, 2013 at 10:30 am
you guys should wait till after monday nights game to post these, seeing romo get slammed after that performance would have bee great.. love when romo get crapped on.lol
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December 9, 2013 at 9:00 pm
Gore Mode! LOL. I’m a Hawk fan but I was on the floor laughing when I read that!
December 9, 2013 at 8:44 pm
A couple Schaub mentions but no lines for him after he finally was pushed back on the field to help his team lose more completely?
December 9, 2013 at 8:23 pm
This was the funniest one yet. The Mike Glennon picture and comments are hilarious. And Beast Mode pops up when I least expect it. Love it!
December 9, 2013 at 8:20 pm
Amazed at all the Tannehill love in the comments. I, too, want to see moar!
Was hoping for Rivers exposition when Tomlin appeared. Enjoyed it overall, though.
Tannehill’s character ideas… Already partially established as a bit of a straight-laced guy. Weird seeing him introduce himself arrogantly in this one! Would be kind of interesting to see him continue to be overshadowed by his wife.
December 9, 2013 at 7:50 pm
I didn’t understand Rodgers line
December 9, 2013 at 7:47 pm
I love how Carson Palmer seems to have instantly earned respect on the convos even though he really has not done anything yet
December 9, 2013 at 7:38 pm
Love having tannehill, keep him in it, hes turning into an elite qb
December 9, 2013 at 6:04 pm
I wish people would understand 4 things about this feature:
#1- RB and Coaches aren’t usually part of the convo (except Beast Mode), unless making a point. So no 217 yd Shady McCoy love.
#2- It’s a parody, not real. #facepalm
#3- Ben Roethlisberger is the funniest QB.
#4- Laugh at it.
December 9, 2013 at 5:46 pm
i love how insanely thin mike glennon’s head is
December 9, 2013 at 5:40 pm
I just still cant determine what kind of person Tannehill is in these convos… Any suggestions?
Amy Zonin Dalton
December 9, 2013 at 4:06 pm
Glad to see my boy Tanny a little more! These are the highlight of the day, thanks for the LOLs!
December 9, 2013 at 3:50 pm
MISTAKE: Antonio Brown stepped out on the 12-yard line. Not the 13
December 9, 2013 at 2:18 pm
Nothing about McCoy putting up 217 yards? Sigh…
December 9, 2013 at 1:59 pm
LOL at the sideline and yoda likes. also:
WILSON:For example, on weeks when I lose to an opponent I truly respect and admire, I make exactly five comments.
KAEPERNICK: But you’ve only said four lines
KAEPERNICK: WILSON, I WILL DROWN YOU IN A TIDAL WAVE OF TOUCHDOWNS DURING THE INEVITABLE RUBBER MATCH WE’RE GOING TO HAVE IN THE PLAYOFFS.
December 9, 2013 at 1:36 pm
Kudos for digging up Michael Irvin’s ‘White Line Fever’.
December 9, 2013 at 1:31 pm
I’m surprised that there wasn’t a mention about how Peyton Manning not only managed to win and clinch a playoff spot for his team but for his former team too, by being the ones to beat the Titans. Otherwise, hilarious. Brady and his jokes were my favorite part. And Wilson’s trollish ways are always entertaining.
December 9, 2013 at 1:14 pm
Love that Foles is getting in more. Go Eagles!
December 9, 2013 at 12:27 pm
That’s because he’s so funny!
December 9, 2013 at 12:00 pm
Roethlisberger is so hilarious
December 9, 2013 at 11:53 am
Sam Bradford continues to be my favorite character! The bear rape line was… wow!
I actually like the Tannehill use. Sure, I would like to see the QB of my team get more time, but I like how you use him as something of a straight man who gets a sarcastic quip in.
December 9, 2013 at 11:51 am
Personally, I couldn’t care “less” how he uses the word “less”. You understand what he means by it, right? So, what’s the problem? It’s not like he is publishing this in a major newspaper or journal. There is no rule that dick jokes need to be told in the Queen’s English. Moreover, he is mimicking the way most people speak and write on facebook. If every character strictly adhered to text-book English linguistic norms, it would make this whole thing much more dull.
December 9, 2013 at 11:09 am
Can you please learn when to use the word “less?” You should use the word less fewer times. See what I did there?
December 9, 2013 at 11:06 am
should of had something about the jaguars sweeping the Texans
December 9, 2013 at 11:03 am
Nothing about the irony of Billy Cundiff giving up a game with a last minute field goal????
December 9, 2013 at 10:57 am
“TOUCHDOWNS 349 AND YARDS 3 FOR THREW I. ME BLAME CAN’T YOU!” Effing hilarious. Well done PFM!
December 9, 2013 at 10:48 am
This is a good one. I don’t care for Rodger’s line at the end though. Seems really forced and kind of breaking the fourth wall.
December 9, 2013 at 10:44 am
Lynch’s first line says “Best mode” instead of “Beast mode”.
Unless that was intentional, but I doubt it.
December 9, 2013 at 10:27 am
Poor, poor Beast Mode.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go before Michael Irvin tries to snort me.
4 hours ago . Like .YES, WE PUT MICHAEL IRVIN IN THE CONVO EARLIER just to make this joke
December 9, 2013 at 10:20 am
Peyton and his liquored up idiot kicker…beautiful.
December 9, 2013 at 10:09 am
Russell Wilson is the best – I wonder how the convo after a Denver vs Seattle Super Bowl will look like, if it comes to that? Russell Wilson will probably have to say a lot more in the playoff convos.
December 9, 2013 at 10:04 am
This one was definitely one of the best all year. Also a ravens fan, and also love big ben. Brady was my favorite in this one. “Your wife during a vacation to alaska? BOOM. Thats how it’s done Flacco!” Glorious.
December 9, 2013 at 10:01 am
Lol the Irving joke. Does he really do crack?
December 9, 2013 at 9:58 am
This was pretty funny. Bradford, Big Ben, and Russell killed it as usual. Wasn’t sure if i’d like the Micheal Irvin bit but it panned out imo. And less rivers being a dick and more captain exposition!
December 9, 2013 at 9:48 am
BECAUSE I’M SO SMART YOU SEE!!!
December 9, 2013 at 9:44 am
TSUNAMI OF TSUCK!
December 9, 2013 at 9:37 am
More Tannehill! He’s earned his respect
December 9, 2013 at 9:36 am
“Wait, you raped a circus bear?” “Well, you should have seen how it was dressed.”
December 9, 2013 at 9:32 am
This was the funniest Russell Wilson bit yet.
And I can’t believe I’m saying this since I’m a Ravens fan, but Roethlisburger is my favorite character in this segment.
Vincent Tobiaz (@vincenttobiaz)
December 9, 2013 at 9:30 am
Uhm the karma gods already got BB back, 18-1. and the second gnats loss in sb? and gronk? and like no SB since then? ENOUGH
December 9, 2013 at 9:25 am
Nothing about Kubiak getting fired? Really?
December 9, 2013 at 9:14 am
Still bitter that* I put up more points before halftime than you did all game?
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