Another week. ANOTHER PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING MILESTONE!
Like . Comment . Share . 6 Hours ago
FIFTY-ONE TDS THIS SEASON! THE ALL TIME SINGLE SEASON MARK!
6 Hours ago . Like
I TELL YA, I BUST THROUGH RECORDS LIKE BERNARD POLLARD PLOWS THROUGH A PACK OF PATRIOTS! HAHAHA
DRINK A GALLON OF CHLORINE EGGNOG, MANNING.
Just remember: I set that record during a season when I wasn’t thrashed by a studly QB named Tom Brady. Can YOU make the same claim?
Excuse me, Mr. Manning, sir?
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, LUCK? IMPORTANT QBS ARE TRYING TO TALK HERE.
I’m sorry to interrupt, sir. But I want to congratulate you on your historic achievement.
And, since I drew your name in our “Secret Santa” exchange, I’ve just had your present delivered to your front door.
It’s a gigantic oil painting. Of me.
Actually sir, it’s hundreds of small paintings composing one enormous image of you.
I painted 487 miniature portraits of you. One for each touchdown in your illustrious career
It took weeks of painstaking, miniature brushstrokes. But it was all worth it to capture your essence. I call it “Victory.” I hope you like it.
You made my head too big. I just burned it for firewood
Totally understandable. I hope it gave you a few moments of warmth, sir.
Oh, and by the way Luck, I was your Secret Santa too. Look in your mailbox for your present.
It’s a torn out coupon from the newspaper.
“50 cent discount when ordering 10 or more extra large Papa Johns pizzas at any of two local participating Denver area stores.”
“Expires November, 2012.”
Oh well. Looks like you’re paying full price then.
Mr. Manning, I will have this coupon framed, mounted, and I will treasure it forever because it came from you, my idol. Happy holidays, sir.
What the hell? You guys are doing a Secret Santa exchange? How come I wasn’t invited?
BECAUSE YOU SUCK MANNING, THAT’S WHY.
Yo Bro. What Brady means is that we only included QBs who are in, or are still eligible for the playoffs. So we had to exclude you.
Because of how much you suck.
Hey Joe Flacco: did you get the gift I sent you at Ravens headquarters?
Yeah, I’m opening it now, it’s… it’s… Oh my god.
It’s an enormous, diamond studded, 24 karat pendant that reads, “Congratulations. You Are Finally Elite.”
I’m speechless, Aaron. This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I… I don’t know what to say.
Just say you’ll give it to Andy Dalton when you play against him next week. I’m his Secret Santa.
This is for DALTON?
Hey, he’s earned it. After all, he’s taken his team to the playoffs in each of his first three seasons.
I’VE TAKEN THE RAVENS TO THE PLAYOFFS IN EACH OF MY FIRST FIVE SEASONS. AND UNLIKE THAT GINGERBUST MAN, I’VE ACTUALLY ** WON ** PLAYOFF GAMES!
Oh quit your boo-hooing, Flacco. I was your Secret Santa. My gift to you is in your locker.
It’s a wad of aluminum foil that you shaped to look roughly like an imitation Super Bowl ring, upon which you wrote my name in black magic marker.
You like it? I figured since you’re never going to win a real Super Bowl ring, I’d get you a fake one instead.
I HAVE A SUPER BOWL RING, DAMMIT!!!!
Aww. Look how excited he is over his present.
Yo, Sam Bradford. I was your Secret Santa.
5 hours ago . Like
What a coincidence. I was yours.
Wait, how come BRADFORD gets to be in this stupid Santa exchange? He’s not in the playoffs.
Yeah, but he has experience at this type of thing. Apparently he plays Santa Claus all year long.
Actually what I said was that I’ve been cumming down chimneys since March.
Anyway, I got you something I know you’re going to like.
An enormous library filled with thousands of wine racks?
To house your extensive collection of industrial strength dildos!
I LOVE IT!
Merry Christmas, buddy.
But… the thing is, I sold my dildo collection to pay for your present.
I got you a set of custom-made turtle sex toys. Including a pair of solid gold turtle nipple clamps, furry turtle bondage cuffs, and a teeny tiny turtle cock ring.
It’s all from Frederick of Hollywood’s “Shell Bent For Leather” collection.
Whoa. That is so nice of you Bradford. Seriously, I’m touched. Thank you.
But I don’t have my turtle anymore. I sold it to pay for your custom dildo-vault.
Awww. This is just like that classic Christmas story.
All this holiday warmth is NOT going to distract us from the important discussion of HAHAHAHA RUSSELL WILSON LOST AT HOME YESTERDAY TO THE CARDINALS! LOLOLOLOL!
THANK GOD. We needed that win desperately to stay alive in the playoff chase.
Merry Christmas from your secret Santa.
Oh BULLSHIT, Wilson. Don’t try to claim that you lost on purpose as a gift to Palmer. I know your devious little heart better than that.
You would NEVER lose unless you had some sort of evil trolling scheme in mind.
Well, his loss did prevent my Niners from clinching a playoff spot.
My Saints too.
Ho Ho Ho.
WILSON, I WILL PISS IN YOUR CUP AND TELL YOU IT’S SPICED APPLE CIDER!
JAM A SHARPENED ICICLE UP YOUR URETHRA, WILSON!
Oh hey Wilson, that reminds me. I’m your Secret Santa.
And since you’re going to be at home during the playoffs, I left you a gift in your locker that is absolutely essential for any postseason game played in Seattle.
A jar of stickum?
That’s awfully thoughtful, Romo. I hope you like MY Secret Santa gift: A BOX OF KLEENEX TO DRY YOUR TEARS AFTER WE JINGLE-BOUNCE YOU RIGHT OUTTA THE PLAYOFFS THIS SUNDAY!
YOU MEAN LIKE MY TEARS OF LAUGHTER WHEN WE CANDY CANED YOUR ASS IN PHILLY JUST TWO MONTHS AGO?
THAT WAS A GIFT, ROMO! YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET TWO LUCKY WINS OVER US IN ONE SEASON!
WHY NOT? AFTER ALL YOU’VE ALREADY HAD NINE LUCKY WINS SO FAR THIS SEASON!
YOU NEEDED A HUGE COMEBACK JUST TO SQUEAK BY THE 3-12 REDSKINS!
YOU ACTUALLY LOST TO THE NEW YORK GIANTS! AT FOOTBALL!
Wow, that’s gonna be a heck of a game. The red hot Eagles offense versus the unstoppable Cowboys defense.
How is the Cowboys defense “unstoppable?”
They don’t get any stops. Duh.
Hey Nick Foles. I got you a very special Secret Santa Gift.
4 hours ago . Like
It’s a custom made plaque that reads, “Congratulations on your record setting performance this season.”
“Of all the QBs who have thrown 7 TDs in one game during 2013, you are definitely the most recent, the youngest, and the most normal-shaped-headed of them all.”
GET FUCKED, ALEX SMITH!
Yo, Smith, I hope you like the Secret Santa gift I left you. I think it truly reflects your status as the Chiefs QB.
How does a police sergeant’s hat reflect my status as the Chiefs QB?
No, it’s a bus driver’s cap.
BECAUSE MEDIOCRE QBs WHOSE MAIN PURPOSE IS TO HAND OFF, THROW SHORT, AND NOT LOSE GAMES ARE CALLED BUS DRIVERS.
Palmer, you’re awfully mouthy for a QB who threw FOUR interceptions yesterday. In fact, I think I’m gona start calling you “Saint Pickalus.”
Because during Christmas week, you deliver turnovers to all the good little DB’s in the league. Not to mention the bad ones too.
AT LEAST I WON MY GAME, UNLIKE YOU!
AT LEAST I’VE ALREADY QUALIFIED FOR THE PLAYOFFS, UNLIKE YOU!
AT LEAST UNLIKE YOU, I’M NOT A GOOFY LOOKING FORMER #1 OVERALL DRAFT PICK WHOSE ORIGINAL TEAM TRADED ME AWAY IN FAVOR OF A YOUNGER, MORE SUCCESSFUL BACKUP!
YOU ARE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
WRONG! I’M REASONABLY HANDSOME!
Speaking of changing the subject, hey Drew Brees, check your inbox. I’m emailing you your Secret Santa gift right now.
It’s a zip file.
Yep. A zip file with a couple hundred attached photos of me getting freaky with a very naughty, very naked little sex kitten.
The hell? THESE ARE PICTURES OF YOU AND MY WIFE IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE A VAT OF LIME-GREEN JELLO!
Exactly. She told me she never does any of this kinky shit with you. So I figured you’d enjoy getting a peek at what you’re missing.
Don’t tell her I showed you these. She doesn’t like me showing pics of her to just anyone.
I WILL DESTROY YOU BRADY!
Nah, I’ll just dress up like a Saints receiver in the Panthers secondary. That way you’ll never hit me. ROFL
If you enjoy that, Brady, then you’ll really like the gift I left for you.
It’s a DVD box set of ”Gilmore Girls: Season 6” and a “Now That’s What I Call Music 2005” CD?
Yep. So you can reminisce back to the days when you were still a championship caliber QB.
YOU’VE NEVER EVEN WON A TITLE, YOU ENGORGED CAMELTOE!
WRONG. I WON THE TITLE OF “OFFICIAL TOM BRADY NUT CRACKER” JUST FIVE SHORT WEEKS AGO HAHAHAHAHA!
HI CAME NEWTOWN. DID YOU GET THE SECRET SANTA GIFT I LEFT FOR YOU?
I HAD A HUGE SYMBOL OF THAT GUY YOU LIKE SO MUCH INSTALLED AT YOUR HOUSE TODAY
Wait, you mean that enormous twelve-foot tall SWASTIKA that I found bolted to the roof of my house today was from you?
DO YOU LIKE IT? IT’S ‘CAUSE YOU ALWAYS WEAR SOUP NAZI SHIRTS UNDER YOUR JERSEY!
No, I wear SUPERMAN shirts under my jersey, Ben.
You mean that guy who invaded Poland? Wow, that’s not cool dude.
Ben, this is probably a good time for you to open my gift.
“The Golden Treasury Book Of 500 First Jokes For Children?”
That should keep you busy for a while. You can explain-rape these jokes for days, buddy.
“Why did the football coach go to the bank? Because he wanted his quarter-back.”
3 hours ago . Like
I don’t get it.
MAYBE IT’S MEANT TO BE IRONIC POLITICAL SATIRE.
Hey Ryan Tannehill. I left your Secret Santa gift in your locker for you.
This $15 gift card for Starbucks?
Yeah. I figured you could, you know, get yourself a couple of lattes, or whatever. On me.
Okay. Thanks, I guess.
FLACCO, THAT IS THE MOST BORING SECRET SANTA GIFT EVER.
WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? APART FROM HAVING A HOT WIFE AND LOOKING LIKE DANIEL TOSH, RYAN TANNEHILL HAS NO UNIQUE “THING” TO EXPLOIT.
HE’S THE MOST BORING QB IN OUR CONVOS!
Wow. Joe Flacco is calling Ryan Tannehill boring? That’s like Flacco making fun of Tannehill for not having a Super Bowl ring.
BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF THEM HAS A RING, YOU SEE
YES I DO, DAMMIT. I HAVE A SUPER BOWL RING!
Again, you’re welcome.
NO, I WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL RING IN THE ACTUAL SUPER BOWL JUST 11 MONTHS AGO.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU IDIOTS? HOW DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THAT?
Never mind Tannehill. Turns out, Flacco’s WAY more boring than you.
That’s right. Because I actually put thought and effort into my Secret Santa present.
I asked myself, “What can I give Jay Cutler that he needs more than anything else in the whole wide world?”
So, merry Christmas, Cutler. My gift to you is, “a fuck.”
Yes. Now you finally have one to give!
Aaand it’s gone.
No, I’ll tell you what’s gone. THE PACKERS, FROM THE POSTSEASON, AFTER MY BEARS FA-LA-LA-LA-FISTFUCK THEM THIS WEEKEND!
WRONG AGAIN, CLUSTERFUCK. I WILL BE BACK IN THE LINEUP COME SUNDAY. WHICH MEANS YOU WILL BE OUT OF THE PLAYOFF PICTURE, COME MONDAY.
Wait, what? I’m going to be benched again?
After the way you fumbled away our victory against the Steelers in the 4th quarter yesterday? You’re now officially 9th on our QB depth chart, right behind B.J. Raji.
Hey Matt Flynn. Times Square called. It wants you to come drop the ball on New Year’s Eve.
Well I still have to hand out MY Secret Santa gift.
Philip Rivers? Ruggedly handsome Chargers QB with a rifle for an arm and a cannon for a cock?
That's right. Now quit with the jIbber jabber and make with the presents.
Rivers, does that stupid self-intro mean that you drew yourself as your Secret Santa?
I did. And let me tell you, it was not easy to keep me from finding where I hid my gift.
But since my Chargers need the Ravens, Dolphins and Chiefs to all lose next week in order to make the playoffs, I bought myself 3 voodoo dolls in the images of Joe Flacco, Ryan Tannehill, and Alex Smith.
A trio of well-placed pins should help me ensure the proper outcome.
Rivers your moron. Voodoo dolls don’t work.
OW, MY SCROTUM!
OW, MY UPPER THIGH!
Sorry, I missed.
Hey guys? Look, I know these convos are filled with arguing and yelling and screaming and cursing and saying mean, nasty horrid things to each other.
2 hours ago . Like
And that’s just Aaron Rodgers.
But since it is Christmas and all, could we maybe end this convo on a positive, upbeat note?
True dat. Let’s take a moment to put aside our differences and appreciate the most wonderful part of this joyous season.
That the Giants aren’t in the playoffs to fuck everyone’s shit up?
Amen to that.
I STILL WANT A SECRET SANTA GIFT!
December 23, 2013 at 11:06 am
Lol this one was nice. I never really noticed that Tannehill kinda looks like Tosh lol
December 23, 2013 at 11:22 am
lol @ Big Ben saying CAME NEWTON
December 23, 2013 at 11:26 am
lol Russell Wilson. You could really convince me that was his plan.
Ben cracked me up too.
I really liked this one. I read all of them but I thought this one might have been the best of the year.
December 23, 2013 at 11:28 am
December 23, 2013 at 11:29 am
didnt think this one was all that funny. had some that made me laugh but kinda boring compared to all the others
December 23, 2013 at 11:30 am
Bradford makes me laugh. Saw him on the sidelines for the Bucs-Rams game yesterday and laughed for all I see now is him being sick as hell because of these LOL!
Good read this week, but I can’t wait until next week, because if Romo blows it again in Week 17…
December 23, 2013 at 11:35 am
First one to make me actually laugh out loud in a while… Thanks!
December 23, 2013 at 11:36 am
Russell Wilson is great in every one of these.
December 23, 2013 at 11:38 am
LOL!! While NFL QB’s on FB has admittedly been somewhat hit-and-miss this season, this week’s is pure comedy gold. Well done!
At least Eli is doing better than RG Knee, Chad Heene, Matt Ryan, Case Keenum. Maybe the teams that didn’t qualify can get signed pictures of Eli’s Super Bowl rings and vouchers for vials of Peyton Mannings future December tears of ineptitude and failure. Seriously though,what kind of a shitty quarterback do you have to be that you consistently fuck up if someone leaves the refrigerator door open?
December 23, 2013 at 11:42 am
Brilliant as always but could do with Ben explaining his superman is a nazi part. In his own words ‘I don’t get it’. Soup Nazi?
I think we need a kids joke each week from his book.
December 23, 2013 at 11:48 am
Eh. They could’ve done more w/ Cutler since he got crushed yesterday.
December 23, 2013 at 11:55 am
lol. The authors’ frustrations at trying to give Ryan Tannehill a niche pour out in the form of a Flacco rant. Nice!
December 23, 2013 at 12:03 pm
Another very good one! I was hoping Rodgers and Wilson would be each other’s secret santa, but I love how Wilson is pissing off Kaepernick and Brees too.
December 23, 2013 at 12:04 pm
Ben : HI CAME NEWTOWN. DID YOU GET THE SECRET SANTA GIFT I LEFT FOR YOU?
I HAD A HUGE SYMBOL OF THAT GUY YOU LIKE SO MUCH INSTALLED AT YOUR HOUSE TODAY
Cam:Wait, you mean that enormous twelve-foot tall SWASTIKA that I found bolted to the roof of my house today was from you?
4 hours ago . Like
BEN: DO YOU LIKE IT? IT’S ‘CAUSE YOU ALWAYS WEAR SOUP NAZI SHIRTS UNDER YOUR JERSEY!
CAM NEWTON : No, I wear SUPERMAN shirts under my jersey, Ben.
BEN: You mean that guy who invaded Poland? Wow, that’s not cool dude.
Big Ben Rapistburger
December 23, 2013 at 12:13 pm
Big Ben – “Why did the football coach go to the Bank?, Because he wanted his quarter-back”
“I don’t get it”
This convo is the first one to make me cry laughing in a while. Keep it up!!
December 23, 2013 at 12:52 pm
Funny! kinda awkward gifts with kaepernick and Bradford! Wow Wilson you troll ! -.- I liked Jay cutlers part! (: oh and lets beat the falcons at candlestick!!!!!!
December 23, 2013 at 1:30 pm
my fave was Alex Smith gift to Foles and the normal shaped head remark LOL
December 23, 2013 at 1:37 pm
The “Joe Flacco’s not elite” bit never gets old. And Russell Wilson never fails to make me laugh.
Go Pack Go!
December 23, 2013 at 1:50 pm
I think Cutler should have got a little more crap for the ass pounding they received yesterday…but being a packers fan makes it all worth while!
December 23, 2013 at 2:05 pm
Romo is out for the season. Edits maybe?
Annoymous T. Person
December 23, 2013 at 2:09 pm
@James… Someone is super defensive of Eli. Almost like you two are in a relationship. Its just a fake comedy convo. Also the reason why Matt moore, Case Keenum, RGIII and Chad Henne aren’t included in the convo(made fun of) are because they haven’t consistently been in the playoffs, unlike Eli, who usually IS in the playoffs. Anyway, great job on the convo this week, I laughed several time at the ben, eli, brady, and flacco stuff.
December 23, 2013 at 2:23 pm
Romo wins a game in the final minute in December and no mention?
December 23, 2013 at 2:32 pm
“Joe Flacco: OW, MY SCROTUM!
Ryan Tannehill: OW, MY SCROTUM!
Alex Smith: OW, MY UPPER THIGH!
Philip Rivers: Sorry, I missed.
Alex Smith: OW, MY SCROTUM!”
This made my day, even though I’m a Chiefs fan and would prefer not to see Rivers’ dreams come true.
December 23, 2013 at 2:33 pm
I was hoping Rivers would stab Flacco and RGIII in the knee
December 23, 2013 at 4:44 pm
BECAUSE NEITHER OF THEIR KNEES CAN TAKE MUCH MORE ABUSE YOU SEE
December 23, 2013 at 5:04 pm
Oh my god, Wilson is killing me this week. I love these!
December 23, 2013 at 5:45 pm
Newton could’ve given Brady a high five. He badly wants one.
December 23, 2013 at 6:39 pm
Oh, man. I discovered these last week and have made my way through this entire season (on my way to last season), and I entertained myself through the games yesterday thinking how each one would explain themselves (or be straight ripped) for all their flubs. This is priceless.
And Cutler’s gift from Tannehill was perfect. JUST what he needed. Too bad he spent it so fast.
December 23, 2013 at 7:07 pm
This is my favorite part of the week
December 23, 2013 at 7:26 pm
Just thought I’d correct you on something. The Chiefs winning or losing means nothing to the Chargers. They just need the Ravens and Dolphins to lose.
December 23, 2013 at 8:24 pm
What was Romos gift to Wilson
December 23, 2013 at 8:25 pm
This one was really weak.
December 23, 2013 at 9:13 pm
Kenny the Chargers need the Chiefs to lose because they are playing the Chiefs. Looks like somebody had a Roethlisberger moment.
December 23, 2013 at 10:18 pm
as a bars fan the “a fuck” was perfect lol
December 23, 2013 at 10:52 pm
@Kenny well actually they need KC to lose cause they play KC in the last game and obviously need a win.
December 23, 2013 at 11:11 pm
I actually thought it was respectful of Eli. A whole bunch of QBs from top teams scared shitless of having to play Eli and the Giants in the playoffs, because they know they will just lose. Although I don’t know why Romo is involved in that, I don’t think he’s ever played the Giants in the playoffs because he never gets to the playoffs to begin with, and when he does he loses to someone else.
December 24, 2013 at 12:51 am
best line in this convo
December 24, 2013 at 1:05 am
Romo did lose to Eli in the playoffs. In 2007. In true Romo fashion too… throwing a pick in the end zone at the end of the 4th quarter to end the game.
December 24, 2013 at 8:03 am
“Just say you’ll give it to Andy Dalton when you play against him next week. I’m his secret santa.” First laugh out loud of many in this weeks convo. Flacco not being elite is priceless and never gets old. Another great one this week!
December 24, 2013 at 9:37 am
“Ryan Tannehill: Aaand it’s gone.”
Can’t read these while eating lunch anymore. Almost spit food everywhere laughing at that whole exchange.
December 24, 2013 at 10:18 am
Peyton throwing lucks gift in the fire made me laugh out loud.
December 24, 2013 at 1:07 pm
I wonder who Geno Smith’s secret santa was and what his gift was.
December 25, 2013 at 12:17 am
Geno isnt in playoff contention. The jets cannot get in no matter what. Jets beat Miami they are 8-8, they lost h2h to Baltimore, didnt play SD and Baltimore has conference tiebreak. They are eliminated either way. This was about contenders getting gifts and Bradford.
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December 25, 2013 at 5:37 am
The Flacco bit is getting old
December 25, 2013 at 9:49 am
@Anonymous The Flacco bit is always funny. I just wish they wouldn’t have killed my Twitter bit.
December 26, 2013 at 9:39 am
Romo – Oh hey Wilson, that reminds me. I’m your Secret Santa. And since you’re going to be at home during the playoffs, I left you a gift in your locker that is absolutely essential for any postseason game played in Seattle.
Wilson – A jar of stickum?
Romo – Trust me.
December 26, 2013 at 8:21 pm
I was wondering about the stickum… then I watched this:
December 29, 2013 at 4:43 pm
Holy crap, Philip Rivers’ voodoo dolls actually worked?!
December 29, 2013 at 6:01 pm
“And that’s just Aaron Rodgers” OMG, that is good!
December 30, 2013 at 9:52 am
@Cygnia, yes, as a Dolfan, they unfortunately worked *cries in a corner*
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